I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
One of my bunk mates challenged me to see how long it'd take for army to break my spirit. Too bad for him, it's only been getting better for me ever since. I love the discipline and things we get to learn. Yet there is one great consideration on my mind. The people. Unexpectedly, it's what would be most likely to break me.
Disappointed to say, but I find it a challenge being with many of the people in my platoon. Seeing their attitudes of selfcenteredness and immaturity, it really disgusts me to see the kind of people this generation is bringing up. I find it hard to understand why people would only think of themselves in everything, disregarding authority and responsibility for their own faults. Sometimes I feel envious when I hear of other companies being enthusiastic and having high standards.
I briefly told my mom my feelings about the people I've met in camp, and she gave quite a thought provoking reply. "And isn't it amazing how God still loves us? I wonder what's so good about us that He loves us so." Really made me think, if God could love everyone, including the worse scums of the earth, why couldn't I. Maybe it'd be something I have to learn this week, and to correct my self-righteous attitude :/
Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.
You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.
Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.
Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?
Spent my days out rewatching an old anime, Toradora. Pretty cute show but filled with deep concepts throughout. Watching it again made me I could understand more of the hidden storyline between the characters. Guess I have quite a few learning points I could take back from it too though. Shall let it linger on my mind a few days more.
Lord, I thank you for everything that has happen in my life, both the good and the bad. Thank you for the person I am today. BMT has been going well for me. It's been a good experience, and I have been growing in body and mind. I pray that You help me develop good spirit too, that I may continue to grow in likeness of you. Help me to put aside anger, and give me a heart of patience and compassion towards those who I dislike. Parts of my life feels uncertain now; friendships and people that I do not know what to do about. I feel worried sometimes too. Father, may my soul find rest and peace in Your arms, and that my security be found daily in your unchanging ways. Fill the emptiness in me with Your great and sweet unconditional love. May I hold on to your hand as You hold on to mine, in helping me navigate through this time of uncertainty. Take care and bless those near to my heart, and you fill our hearts with Your indescribable joy, grant us added mercy and grace in all that we do. Amen.
Second bookout concluding my 3rd week in BMT. Still enjoying tons so far.
Had two days of my weekend though, coming out only on Sunday morning as compared to the rest out on friday. Thank God for a long weekend, I still have a day to stay home.
Decided to help my buddy do his guard duty shift. First off, most people would say I'm mad for even doing so, all the more after they realize the conditions on which I took it on. My buddy told me he had something really important to do that weekend and pleaded with me to help him out. Well, I obviously being too nice cant help but consider his request.
But of course that's not why I did so. I spent the night before and morning pretty stressed over my decision. I could do it, but I don't want to, yet I felt I should, for few reasons. One, it would suck either way, having something important and having guard duty ruin everything. Two, no one would take it whatever the reason. Three, I'm way more adaptable to the current army life than anyone in bunk.
I guess I did it in good faith. Not mentioning I had interpretation duties that Saturday and I really wanted to do it. But nonetheless, I figured, if I had to be so stressed over it, it must be my conscious bugging me to make the right choice.
I think part of me did it more for myself than him, so it didn't really matter if my buddy was really in need of merely finding excuses to avoid duty. I wanted to make the choice to sacrifice for people in need, for the people I should care for, a little something more out than my own comfort zone. I came to learn to, that sometimes, you gotta do what's right even if it isn't necessary of you to do so. Yea.
I think I made the right choice and I'm happy for that. The more people tell me no one in their right mind would do such a thing, the more I feel affirmed in my decision, but it's the kind of love God has, that what no one would do, He would. And of course, I'm happy that people did praise me too, hehe. But more so, I'm glad I did it with a price, or those praises wouldn't have been worth an act without sacrifice.
First weekend back from camp. Two weeks passed by quickly and I'm feeling pretty good about camp actually. Enjoy the PT trainings and the disciplinary regiments. My section's pretty awesome and hilarious too. Overall, I'm adapting quite quickly compared to many of them. On the bad side, my platoon's pretty ill-discipline so I hope things get better in the weeks to come.
me and mom~
I miss people, but I don't know who exactly I'm missing actually. Just hope army doesn't pull me too far away from the people I have around me now.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who
have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and
have found their way out of the depths. These people have an
appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills
them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful
people do not just happen."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Am I considered "beautiful"? Does what I've been through in life qualify? Do I fit the bill, or am I only finding a way to lift my esteem? Is this another bout of self pity?
Maybe that's why I enjoy army life. Less time to meddle with such thoughts. Am always trying to find ways to be better, to be esteemed, to be loved. Yet at other times, I feel tired, tired of responding to people as social norms of reciprocity dictates. Am I being ungrateful then, or perhaps picky. Does it then mean it's no longer a need but a selfish want? After all there's people who do pursue me no? What exactly am I searching for?
In my small pockets of time, recurring thoughts keep flashing my mind. "Who do I have to call my own?" I brushed it off as homesickness yet I knew there was an inner truth asking. Looking around, I see my mates eagerly awaiting the day they could see or call their friends and loved ones, preoccupied with their phones and laptops. I wondered to myself who was I looking forward to when I book out. The words "friends" came to mind. The sad thing however, was that I couldn't make any clear image of who the faces of these "friends" were. Surely some names came to mind, but I did consider, do they only come to mind first because I'm routinely used to be around them, or that they truly meant something to me.
What does it truly mean to love someone? Did I love anyone? Does anyone love me? Answers I couldn't see, and didn't want to see. Maybe loneliness has taken a deep bite out of me, my defense mechanism plays out a mental fantasy to block and circumvent the depth of these pains.
Maybe if I choose to see myself squarely face to face, behind the presentable make up, I see a pathetic soul clamouring to be loved, yet dares not be. Abandonment and loneliness are engraved in the wrinkles of his shriveled skin, his unsightly body half cloaked under a dim shadow. His tears bearing the physical manifestation of the dream in his yearning heart. Would anyone come to hold him in his broken state? Would anyone hold him like a prized jewel, passionately yet tenderly loved. And so he waits earnestly day by day that he might finally find that one person. And so he waits.
This item on my bucket list is a pretty significant event, it being 12 hours x 10 days long making it a full 5 days of work. It's the second time I'm working as a promoter, this time promoting toys alongside a really good friend.
I wanted a job that interacts with people to learn a more customer-centric relational approach to business. I believe dealing with many different kinds of people teaches you a great deal of things if you're teachable. So yea, here's some reflection every other day =)
Day 1
Got posted to the scooters area which is supposed to be the prime sales target, was a little hard to master it at first. Seems that the boss has been keeping a watchful eye over me, making me really stressed and pressurized.
Day 2
Begin mastering the scooter pretty well. My past experience interpreting at a customer service course seems to be refreshed. I'm more conscious of my customers and what I could do to provide better services. I want to learn how to become a customer/people orientated sales worker.
Day 3
Seeing parents spend money on their child makes me wonder how I'll bring up my kids. Would I be generous? Stingy? Strict? Or would they follow after me, caring little for material possession?
Day 4
Realize playing on the scooter generates a lot of static, enough to hear the crackling and see the flash when zapping people. Boy am I gonna have so much fun.
Day 5
It's the weekend and there's a hell lotsa people, in which I hope our sales would improved and it did! Had a total of 11 scooters sold. The crowd of kids outnumbers the scooters by more than two, it's a challenge trying to talk to parents while looking out for those crazy ones zooming into boxes, people and other scooters.
However, one really significant moment was when a customer complimented me. He said (in chinese) that I had the heart and patience to manage the children, teaching them how to skate it. I was taken aback when he came to shake my hand before he left. Right after that, felt much more motivated to ensuring the best play experience for the kids regardless of whether they were purchasing the scooters or not.
Different kind of worker.
Day 6
Sales hit record high today. Saw this two kids which made me frown. Two sisters were chasing other scooters and pressurizing other kids to get off so they could play. I said to myself, I wonder what kind of parents they had. And soon enough I knew. While talking to their father, I got grilled about why we didn't sell spare parts despite telling them we provide repairs if they needed... In a somewhat sad yet amusing sight, the kids begin pestering their father in an unsightly manner into buying them the scooter. Spoilt brats I would say, by similar parenting. But I guess what comes around goes around.
Day 7
Rather boring Monday. Not much customers and feeling unmotivated. However, Timothy and my efforts have been recognized, our supervisor said among all the promoters she has seen, we were the best. It's something special when you make a distinct difference to the ppl around you, I'm happy. I think this is one of the first few times I've make light in the society round me.
Day 8
While teaching the people to play, I noticed that those who dared to shake more learn faster, picked it up faster, those who are afraid took longer. Another observation was that generally, time taken to learn was proportionate to age. Adults hardly mastered it, teens took slightly longer, whereas kids learn in a few rounds. As we grow old, we fear more, learn less.
Day 9
Today was a momentum breaker after the incline sales, Sales was rock bottom, hardly a crowd in sight.
Day 10
Last day, interesting how I connect to some of the kids, today a pair of sisters came back asking to take a photo with me. I had other kids greet me excitedly whenever they come by my area, certainly brightens up my day. The people-touch does make a difference hm!
Met
Vic and Yve probably for the last time before entering army soon
>< Love these two crazy peeps, whenever I'm with them, my
retardedness doubles up :D But yea, I love having them laugh at me. It
feels great being yourself and bringing laughter to people.
Ahh,
I remember them being my first friends in poly. The reason for me
having my first late night msn group chats til 4am. Sometimes I miss all
the silly jokes and htht-ing. Without them, my poly life would never
had such a great start. Thank you for embracing me as I am, my craziness
and silliness altogether, and for letting me know I'm remembered.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
I've heard many people who have lost a loved one say that in some ways, it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same.
But I would also say, that those who go through this and trust in the Lord, discover a comfort and intimacy with God that most people never experience. He doesn't promise an explanation. But He does promise to walk with us through the pain.
- Courageous (2011)
A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling. Psa 68:5
One of my bunk mates challenged me to see how long it'd take for army to break my spirit. Too bad for him, it's only been getting better for me ever since. I love the discipline and things we get to learn. Yet there is one great consideration on my mind. The people. Unexpectedly, it's what would be most likely to break me.
Disappointed to say, but I find it a challenge being with many of the people in my platoon. Seeing their attitudes of selfcenteredness and immaturity, it really disgusts me to see the kind of people this generation is bringing up. I find it hard to understand why people would only think of themselves in everything, disregarding authority and responsibility for their own faults. Sometimes I feel envious when I hear of other companies being enthusiastic and having high standards.
I briefly told my mom my feelings about the people I've met in camp, and she gave quite a thought provoking reply. "And isn't it amazing how God still loves us? I wonder what's so good about us that He loves us so." Really made me think, if God could love everyone, including the worse scums of the earth, why couldn't I. Maybe it'd be something I have to learn this week, and to correct my self-righteous attitude :/
Just need somewhere to vent it out. Twitter's too public for displaying such emotions.
You're my biggest regret. Someone I wanted to protect, yet ended up hurting the most. There's simply no price to a life that can recompense the agony I've caused. Yet part of me cries out of my own despair, the hurts and scars I've gotten from you. Maybe you think all of this has always been rosy for me, so you don't feel a need to hold back your punches. Of so many, some I retaliated, but many I purpose not to, and at rare occasions, continue to pursue.
Maybe it comes a time I should stop doing this with you in mind, stop expecting for you to understand. It hurts so much, whenever I try to do something with my best efforts and intention, only to slapped right back. Yet I can't stop giving in. I can't get myself to become heartless to you in an attempt to end this. Maybe you're just dishing out your own hurts to me, maybe you're being genuinely natural.
Should I? Should I stop replying when you ask me expectation-laced questions. Should I stop thinking that I can make things better if I continue to persevere? Should I regard you as a poisonous person in my life? Should I just leave you to sort the mess in your life and not give a damn? Should I listen to my mind telling me to go ahead?
Spent my days out rewatching an old anime, Toradora. Pretty cute show but filled with deep concepts throughout. Watching it again made me I could understand more of the hidden storyline between the characters. Guess I have quite a few learning points I could take back from it too though. Shall let it linger on my mind a few days more.
Lord, I thank you for everything that has happen in my life, both the good and the bad. Thank you for the person I am today. BMT has been going well for me. It's been a good experience, and I have been growing in body and mind. I pray that You help me develop good spirit too, that I may continue to grow in likeness of you. Help me to put aside anger, and give me a heart of patience and compassion towards those who I dislike. Parts of my life feels uncertain now; friendships and people that I do not know what to do about. I feel worried sometimes too. Father, may my soul find rest and peace in Your arms, and that my security be found daily in your unchanging ways. Fill the emptiness in me with Your great and sweet unconditional love. May I hold on to your hand as You hold on to mine, in helping me navigate through this time of uncertainty. Take care and bless those near to my heart, and you fill our hearts with Your indescribable joy, grant us added mercy and grace in all that we do. Amen.
Second bookout concluding my 3rd week in BMT. Still enjoying tons so far.
Had two days of my weekend though, coming out only on Sunday morning as compared to the rest out on friday. Thank God for a long weekend, I still have a day to stay home.
Decided to help my buddy do his guard duty shift. First off, most people would say I'm mad for even doing so, all the more after they realize the conditions on which I took it on. My buddy told me he had something really important to do that weekend and pleaded with me to help him out. Well, I obviously being too nice cant help but consider his request.
But of course that's not why I did so. I spent the night before and morning pretty stressed over my decision. I could do it, but I don't want to, yet I felt I should, for few reasons. One, it would suck either way, having something important and having guard duty ruin everything. Two, no one would take it whatever the reason. Three, I'm way more adaptable to the current army life than anyone in bunk.
I guess I did it in good faith. Not mentioning I had interpretation duties that Saturday and I really wanted to do it. But nonetheless, I figured, if I had to be so stressed over it, it must be my conscious bugging me to make the right choice.
I think part of me did it more for myself than him, so it didn't really matter if my buddy was really in need of merely finding excuses to avoid duty. I wanted to make the choice to sacrifice for people in need, for the people I should care for, a little something more out than my own comfort zone. I came to learn to, that sometimes, you gotta do what's right even if it isn't necessary of you to do so. Yea.
I think I made the right choice and I'm happy for that. The more people tell me no one in their right mind would do such a thing, the more I feel affirmed in my decision, but it's the kind of love God has, that what no one would do, He would. And of course, I'm happy that people did praise me too, hehe. But more so, I'm glad I did it with a price, or those praises wouldn't have been worth an act without sacrifice.
First weekend back from camp. Two weeks passed by quickly and I'm feeling pretty good about camp actually. Enjoy the PT trainings and the disciplinary regiments. My section's pretty awesome and hilarious too. Overall, I'm adapting quite quickly compared to many of them. On the bad side, my platoon's pretty ill-discipline so I hope things get better in the weeks to come.
me and mom~
I miss people, but I don't know who exactly I'm missing actually. Just hope army doesn't pull me too far away from the people I have around me now.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who
have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and
have found their way out of the depths. These people have an
appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills
them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful
people do not just happen."
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Am I considered "beautiful"? Does what I've been through in life qualify? Do I fit the bill, or am I only finding a way to lift my esteem? Is this another bout of self pity?
Maybe that's why I enjoy army life. Less time to meddle with such thoughts. Am always trying to find ways to be better, to be esteemed, to be loved. Yet at other times, I feel tired, tired of responding to people as social norms of reciprocity dictates. Am I being ungrateful then, or perhaps picky. Does it then mean it's no longer a need but a selfish want? After all there's people who do pursue me no? What exactly am I searching for?
In my small pockets of time, recurring thoughts keep flashing my mind. "Who do I have to call my own?" I brushed it off as homesickness yet I knew there was an inner truth asking. Looking around, I see my mates eagerly awaiting the day they could see or call their friends and loved ones, preoccupied with their phones and laptops. I wondered to myself who was I looking forward to when I book out. The words "friends" came to mind. The sad thing however, was that I couldn't make any clear image of who the faces of these "friends" were. Surely some names came to mind, but I did consider, do they only come to mind first because I'm routinely used to be around them, or that they truly meant something to me.
What does it truly mean to love someone? Did I love anyone? Does anyone love me? Answers I couldn't see, and didn't want to see. Maybe loneliness has taken a deep bite out of me, my defense mechanism plays out a mental fantasy to block and circumvent the depth of these pains.
Maybe if I choose to see myself squarely face to face, behind the presentable make up, I see a pathetic soul clamouring to be loved, yet dares not be. Abandonment and loneliness are engraved in the wrinkles of his shriveled skin, his unsightly body half cloaked under a dim shadow. His tears bearing the physical manifestation of the dream in his yearning heart. Would anyone come to hold him in his broken state? Would anyone hold him like a prized jewel, passionately yet tenderly loved. And so he waits earnestly day by day that he might finally find that one person. And so he waits.
This item on my bucket list is a pretty significant event, it being 12 hours x 10 days long making it a full 5 days of work. It's the second time I'm working as a promoter, this time promoting toys alongside a really good friend.
I wanted a job that interacts with people to learn a more customer-centric relational approach to business. I believe dealing with many different kinds of people teaches you a great deal of things if you're teachable. So yea, here's some reflection every other day =)
Day 1
Got posted to the scooters area which is supposed to be the prime sales target, was a little hard to master it at first. Seems that the boss has been keeping a watchful eye over me, making me really stressed and pressurized.
Day 2
Begin mastering the scooter pretty well. My past experience interpreting at a customer service course seems to be refreshed. I'm more conscious of my customers and what I could do to provide better services. I want to learn how to become a customer/people orientated sales worker.
Day 3
Seeing parents spend money on their child makes me wonder how I'll bring up my kids. Would I be generous? Stingy? Strict? Or would they follow after me, caring little for material possession?
Day 4
Realize playing on the scooter generates a lot of static, enough to hear the crackling and see the flash when zapping people. Boy am I gonna have so much fun.
Day 5
It's the weekend and there's a hell lotsa people, in which I hope our sales would improved and it did! Had a total of 11 scooters sold. The crowd of kids outnumbers the scooters by more than two, it's a challenge trying to talk to parents while looking out for those crazy ones zooming into boxes, people and other scooters.
However, one really significant moment was when a customer complimented me. He said (in chinese) that I had the heart and patience to manage the children, teaching them how to skate it. I was taken aback when he came to shake my hand before he left. Right after that, felt much more motivated to ensuring the best play experience for the kids regardless of whether they were purchasing the scooters or not.
Different kind of worker.
Day 6
Sales hit record high today. Saw this two kids which made me frown. Two sisters were chasing other scooters and pressurizing other kids to get off so they could play. I said to myself, I wonder what kind of parents they had. And soon enough I knew. While talking to their father, I got grilled about why we didn't sell spare parts despite telling them we provide repairs if they needed... In a somewhat sad yet amusing sight, the kids begin pestering their father in an unsightly manner into buying them the scooter. Spoilt brats I would say, by similar parenting. But I guess what comes around goes around.
Day 7
Rather boring Monday. Not much customers and feeling unmotivated. However, Timothy and my efforts have been recognized, our supervisor said among all the promoters she has seen, we were the best. It's something special when you make a distinct difference to the ppl around you, I'm happy. I think this is one of the first few times I've make light in the society round me.
Day 8
While teaching the people to play, I noticed that those who dared to shake more learn faster, picked it up faster, those who are afraid took longer. Another observation was that generally, time taken to learn was proportionate to age. Adults hardly mastered it, teens took slightly longer, whereas kids learn in a few rounds. As we grow old, we fear more, learn less.
Day 9
Today was a momentum breaker after the incline sales, Sales was rock bottom, hardly a crowd in sight.
Day 10
Last day, interesting how I connect to some of the kids, today a pair of sisters came back asking to take a photo with me. I had other kids greet me excitedly whenever they come by my area, certainly brightens up my day. The people-touch does make a difference hm!
Met
Vic and Yve probably for the last time before entering army soon
>< Love these two crazy peeps, whenever I'm with them, my
retardedness doubles up :D But yea, I love having them laugh at me. It
feels great being yourself and bringing laughter to people.
Ahh,
I remember them being my first friends in poly. The reason for me
having my first late night msn group chats til 4am. Sometimes I miss all
the silly jokes and htht-ing. Without them, my poly life would never
had such a great start. Thank you for embracing me as I am, my craziness
and silliness altogether, and for letting me know I'm remembered.
Darren Nico Pillai