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Disappear if I could
Saturday, December 31, 2011

I think I hate myself. I feel like running away from everyone now.

Right now I feel like I'm so screwed up, so much issues. I'm so tired of being strong now. Being strong for her, being strong for ppl, being strong for myself. I wish I could just close my eyes and be the one who's caught, held, loved, cherished. I don't want to be the one thr any more. I want to be loved without having to earn it, without being all good and nice, I just want to be who I am, weak, lonely, afraid, needy, helpless.

I want to let go so badly. But I'm so scared there wont be anyone there to catch me. I'm scared I'll crash and burn, back into that dark hole again. I'm scared once I hit there I'll not get out of it again.

Yet I don't want others to carry my burden. It's not fair. It wont be easy to tolerate all my shit and mess in me. It's a whole lot of hurts and fears, too heavy for anyone to bear.

I wish I could just disappear. Or that I should start getting everyone out of my proximity, before I do any major screw up on another life again.

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I will always be fighting for you.
Thursday, December 29, 2011

I shouldn't be writing this but I can't help it. And here's my version of this sentence to you.



Deep down, I never wanted to give up on you. Yea, I let go a couple of times, but I always made it a point to hold on back. Mistakes be mistakes, and I know there's no squirming out of my responsibility to correct them.

Despite your vengeful treatment to purposefully hurt me, I've still tried, making myself look like a fool, walking straight into your piercing rejections with hope that maybe it might bridge things, or repair it bit by bit. But most of them were futile attempts leaving myself feeling like shit.

Nothing special huh? I wonder what more deceit you can come up with to make yourself be the victim of all these. If you were nothing, or some fancy person I flirted with, it wouldn't have to take 2 years for everything to come to this. Why would I have bothered so many times to start a conversation with someone who saw it as fake, knowing full well I only get back echoes of my own voice. Why would I sacrificed my time to stay with you when you threw tantrums when I could spend with others who could 'entertain' me more as you so liked to compare. Why would I choose to hold on to you, even at a time when my relationship with my best friend is at the verge of ruins and I have barely enough energy to attend to it. Why would I continue to tread this arduous journey, when I have bear this mostly alone because no one else had the heart to go all out for you, and the only support you gave was demoralizing advice to give up.

If it was all for my own benefit, then it would been a foolish thing to have stuck by you. All these efforts, these pains and hurts I'm enduring, the only thing that would have made everything worth it, is to see you be happier and enjoy life a bit more. Ask yourself really, what have I tangibly gain out of this relationship, something that could gratify my desires, aside from all the hard lessons and knocks I learn in trying to get to you.

I'm sorry I did the stupid things I do. I sorry for forgetting you at times. For not remembering the important things you said. For running all over to different people. For using you. And I don't know man, when it about me to you, I think I'm more screwed than good (even though you told me otherwise but turns out was what you treated me as)

But yea. Maybe it's the irrational mind of a girl or something. Somehow over the time, it feels like you just got caught up in this contorted twist of subjective perspectives and adamant self-bias. It no longer matter how much I tried, the grudge of my mistakes always shadowed my efforts, as though there was no redemption for me in your eyes. You seemed so caught up in my mistakes and your hurts, the truth wasn't important anymore, just your feelings. When you're happy or sad, you wanted me there. When you're angry and pissed, it doesn't matter what you do to me. When you decide to stop playing spite games, you expect me to reciprocate after being tired from trying so hard. Only your judgment determine our fates. If you thought I didn't care, didn't love you, that you were nothing but mere play for me, it became a 'fact' for you.

I came to be a friend, though wasn't a too good one. But you know what, I don't owe you anything. I don't even feel I can be myself to you, always having to maintain this picture you had or wanted me to be. I cant even be genuine to you, and do you know how pathetic that feels?

People I confide in occasionally applaud me for what I'm doing. Part of me feels encouraged and affirmed, the other part feels rotten. I ask myself why the heck am I even doing all this, why do I even bother do things that doesn't even mean anything to you anymore. Yet each time when I want to give up on let go of all these, a tiny whisper tells me to hold on a little longer, that one day things will get better.

I wont write everything about us as bad though. There were the good moments. One of my favourite memories was seeing you throw those balls through the hoop. Watching you play and be free, even for that short moment. Whenever your face looks like ^-^ There were times that I found comfort with you.

And hey, you've done much for me too. I wont know how much you've done, but I can guess the extent you would go to if I ask. And I'm thankful, and guilty for that. but I really wished you'd do the same for yourself. And even so, all good actions have their intentions, maybe you should also evaluate the root of your actions as well.

But for everything, I've only myself to blame, for leading you on to things I wasn't prepared for. For that selfish desire, that led us down that path. It's dumb how I never realized I started it until you reminded me of my words. And I regret them a shit lot.

Just that now, really, it comes to a point I regrettably need to say "it's over". What you've been doing is causing a lot of destructiveness in me. You make it as though I'm the one totally at fault for leaving you and causing all this unhappiness, but I wonder if you ever saw how part of it was from your actions driving me away. I'm not sure how you trying to help this work out, or whether you even care any more. Honestly, as much as I'd like to repudiate the reasons to find some excuse and justification to continue putting my heart in this, there are some major signs that tells me that you no longer care anymore, about what's right and wrong, what's worth fighting for. I do feel disappointed in myself for making this decision to let go, after holding you so closely.

So yea, I give up trying to "help" you, and doing what's best. Because I take it that you don't care anymore. Take some time out to repair all the damages in me. But I haven't give up on you. I hope you know that I'll still be here for you as best I can. Whatever you do, whoever you become, I'll be here waiting. You don't have to believe it now, but I hope you'll remember if ever comes a time you need it.

Hais.

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Individually unique, Collectively special
Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Cell was wonderful today. I'm beginning to enjoy cell more and more than I ever expected. Finally being able to feel like one of everyone. Don't need to act so tough all the time. Be there, share my troubles. As I lay down my own mask, I'm beginning to appreciate everyone and all their unique personalities, how everyone has a joke after them, or a stereotypical trait. Hoorah, I'm the chim one that messes people's mind in this convulted links of logic and philosophy. LOL.

Feeling blessed tonight, to have this group of Christian friends. No holymoly stuff. Just a time of authentic fellowship.
And I wanna say, Dang I missed ya all! :D Really enjoyed cell and everyone's company today~ I think everyone in this cell is super unique and adds to the rojak flavour. The kids, the one's who lived past two-decades, the young-at-heart's, the hunks, the chunks, the cute, the blur, the ones who come in fun sizes, the entertaining drama-mamas, the 'celebrities', the ones you'd occasionally sigh to yourself and wonder why you're even friends, the ones who are given 5minutes to speak, the ones who are given 30 minutes to think what to say, the ones who make you question yourself why 1+1=2, the easygoingcarefrees, the jokers, the jokes, the ones with full attendance, the blue moons, the ones whose names are subjected to endless puns, the ones who like have the hilarious habit of like using the word "like" like excessively; and finally, the ones who are in this cell; Love ya all <3 I feel so blessed ^^ Thank you God for PolyITE1~


I can do all things through Christ.
I can move a mountain if You are the strength of my life
I can do all things through Christ,
when You are the strength of my life.

Whatever trials may come my way,
I will worship You always,
forever trust in Your unfailing love.
When every doubt and fear press in,
I still hear Your voice within,
forever trust in Your unfailing love.

2011's been a really tough arduous year. Be the strength of my life.

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It isn't about how much they love you, but how much you love them
Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Had a long twitter conversation after replying to someone's tweet. sorry friends >< Anyway, since I'm too lazy to reorganize this to one coherent post which I'm obviously terrible at. Was pretty challenging considering the character limit of twitter, and not wanting to throttle tweetdeck with multiple entries of our opinionated discussion. so here's it all

Just clarifications first. I don't intend to have this be a good guy-bad guy convo in any way. Just strong opinions put across. No one's right or wrong, just lessons yet to be learnt. Hope the convo pasted below does not offend anyone.

Stupid parents. Think they know everything. So what if you gave life to us; we ain't your slave.

dun be surprised we might all become like that one day. What we think we'd never be, is something what we end up being.

I know but... sometimes when I look at parents stopping their children from being who they wanna be, it's just really depressing

Have you ever wonder that by raising up children and loving them, they had to give up being who they wanted to be?

they do that because they are willing, excluding those parents who have "accidents". Who would want bearing children as a chore?
taking care of children might not be easy but it doesn't mean that you can control what you want your child to be as an adult.

Yea, but now I'd ask you, if they sacrificed their dreams willingly because they love you, how much would that mean to you?

then I think it isnt a good excuse; if you want to do something, do it willingly. Don't use it as a threat.
well, it would mean the world to me that they took time to bring me to the world but they still can't dictate our life.

Just my humble opinion, but it doesn't seem to mean much. More of just a comparison to what they've done and what you want.

I just feel they should respect the child's decision. If the child wants to be an artist, you can't force him to be a lawyer.
you can only go so far without passion. If you force yourself to do something you don't love, is it still worth it? I say no.

I agree, but if circumstances dictates, how much would you sacrifice of your own, in worth of your parents' sacrifice?

depends. I won't sacrifice everything just because they want me to. I will have to see their views if they are reasonable or not

Reason doesn't always work well with love. Ever wondered if your parents had to take a sucky job to bring in money for food?

hmmmm that's a different story. If that happens, I'll treat them with more respect and will give back more. Sacrifice more.

Why not ask them? And is your love for your parents conditional? Depending on what you've seen and know them to have done?
What if parents went, "if this kid grows up to be a good, I'll love him more. If not then maybe it's not reasonably worth it."

I know my parents and how I'm too repay them. But i'm just saying, some parents have got to cut their children some slack.
Hey, That has happened before. Ever heard of how parents treat their haywired children or probably their gay sons?

Parents are humans too. They hurt us as much as we hurt them through our ungrateful ways. Both sides have their own shit man.

Yeah but sometimes, the sides aren't fair. Like parents beating up children for no reason. To say one of them

The sides will never be fair. And assuredly some parents have done great transgression on their responsibility over us.
As human as we all are, how many times have we all unreasonably hurt someone out of our own pissed attitudes. Words, actions.
A condescending word said out of anger can hurt as much as a slap to the face. And it doesnt have to be family. Friends too.

Meh. I guess, unreasonable is one of the traits of a human being.

like the way we children unreasonably demand shit from our parents like they owed us a living just becos they birthed us. ;)

It's a cycle...

Agreed totally. So now who's gonna take the first step to break it? Or we could all wait, hurt and hate.

Well, from similar experience, I might be that controlling parent but I won't take them for granted.

Then go ahead and make right. It isn't about how much they love you, but how much you love them :)
I know I've said quite a lot. But to really try understand what parents might have done. They probably had you in their 20's to 30's. And that's the prime of adulthood. They had dreams, ambitions, hobbies, and so will you. But for us children, whether or not they wanted to, they had to put aside their own desires, get a job, any kind, to bring money back to feed the family. Because they loved us.

Now as kids we'd demand our rights, our choices to do what we want, as though our parents owed us a living. but we'd never realized all the sacrifices our parents had made. After enjoying food on your table, a bed to sleep in, pocket money to buy the things you wants, all these without needing to do any work, is it that hard to understand why sometimes parents do "unreasonable" things. They gave up their life so we could live ours.

We as children could probably never reciprocate the price they paid, and yet we ask, no, demand more like its our right to live. How'd would you like if you paid for a homeless beggar's meals for one month and then he comes around to complain that the food sucks and it's making him look bad?

And heck do they even complain more than us about how unhappy or unfair life is ? It's mostly about our slipshod lives if they do. Even if we think we can survive living individually from them, we don't even know how much we're indirectly living off them. and it's seems parents are to blame for everything. For not giving enough, for being too controlling, for not being good enough. And when we're done and satisfied with what we have, we stomp all over them in a horribly disrespectful manner. Urgh.

And yes and if there's anything we rightfully deserve, it's for all we ungrateful children to be slapped for our arrogant manner and kicked out of the house for freeloading. Go live our own life independently as we so desire. But they never do, despite the shit we give them, because they love us more than we'd ever see and understand.

F*** us kids really. We'd never understand the depth of a parent's love until we become one ourselves.

(not that I'm one LOL)

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Hope

Hope is the assured anticipation of something good. It's not plain wishing. You're not guessing it or trying your luck. You know and you believe in it. And that's why it's powerful.

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Inner Demon
Sunday, December 25, 2011

I hate it. The inner demon inside. Corrupt; tainting every relationship I have. I can never look at anyone through a pure mind. Why do I have to see them in such light. Why can't I just love people for who they are. Why must everything I do be so self-centric. If I could, I'd dig inside me and cut it out. All I want is just to have friends, to enjoy the essence of those bonds. No altruistic agenda, no ulterior motives.

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Self-serving bias
Saturday, December 24, 2011

Lol, got somewhat offended by people cursing at God.

This is probably a shot between believers, and non-believers. About the existence of a divine being. I understand the argument, but it becomes idiotic when people misuse context to their self-serving bias: the tendency to take credit for success and deny any responsibility for failure.

It's this conventional culture on the emphasis of our personal happiness overrides everything logical and moral in our mind. We'll backstab, play politics, hurt people, do anything just to be at the top, where all the "happy" people are.

And it's dumb. Claiming credit for any good results, and finding fault with someone else when things arent desirable. Yes! I'm so achieving now because of all the hard work I put in, my practice, my talents. True, but are those the only reasons? There's still so much that goes beyond just our own efforts. Encouragement from friends and family, support they gave that indirectly spurred you. And even so, the untold sacrifices people make for us might have been the very deciding factor that lead to our current "success" who says it's all about you only.

Flip to the other side of the coin. Dam, I'm so screwed up because of my parents, because people hurt me, nobody wants me. It suddenly becomes like the whole world owes you. Except yourself. No, why wouldn't you put in the same effort to get out of it? No you can't? it's difficult? Then yea, it's just your own part of the deal you fail to meet. There's no reason to expect people to fulfill their bargain when you yourself have yet to put any decent effort before falling into self-pity again.

Dont be an ass really. If you're a non-believer, that make your words stick to it. I hate it most when non-believers scoff at the idea of the necessity of a God, yet in bad times, they curse at how a God would have allow such things happen. If you think there's no God, then in the bad, take it like it's your own doing like you would with the good. Don't just push the blame to a God that only exists for you to push the blame for all bad things that happen. By this you contradict yourself in your acknowledgement of the presence or absence of that divine being.

Why not praise God for every good thing, and reflect on what faults you might have overlooked when there's trouble. But of course it should be both praising and reflecting during BOTH the good and bad times (this goes out to fellow Christians)

And truthfully, such attitudes are despicable. In politically correct sense for both sides, thinking in such a manner shows that you place yourself above the possibility of the universal idea of a omnipresent omnipotent being. in simple words, you think you're greater than a god, or perhaps one itself. And whether or not one believes God exist or not, a pompous attitude like that is only doomed for failure. Irresponsibility.

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All because of love; all because of love.
Thursday, December 22, 2011


Merry Christmas-to-be everyone!


Ah, Christmas is in a few days, and you know, there's always so much hype and wanting to meet up, everyone's trying to pin that special day with significant others. Friends, close friends, old friends, church, school mates, family; everyone.

I mean, I'm someone who doesn't like to book out a day way ahead in the future because I live by the principle that you'd never know when something more important might happen. Dunno, feels a bit wrong, yet feels right.

Been trying to find a good schedule and date to fit the current events, not very sure where I should go, who I should spend it with. And I get annoyed all the more when my mom presses me for a date on the 25th with some really really old church buddies we kinda grew up with. Well of course I didn't like the idea, what if my current friends had a plan too, how am I supposed to say no?

But it suddenly dawned on me. When you keep trying so hard to make the most ideal choice, you become more and more dissatisfied at every option that doesn't meet up. That's because nothing's perfect; and sometimes the most ideal choice, is to simply let things be. Stop trying so hard for perfect and allow nature to take its course.

I don't know really, I only have two plans now. One, I'd like to have a small gathering with good friends, like we had last year. Something simple, something that captures the mood, and just a place we can all lie down and take a decent break for a moment. I'd really want that =)

Two, I just want, for once, to give priority to my family wherever and however they choose to spend the day. Sometimes, no matter where we go, whatever happens, there's always that warmth in family, no matter how little. Just how much we want to catch it, and make it grow. This year end, I'd want to make that effort. Spend time with my mom, my bro (if he's around). After all, family's forever right? =)


Here's how I'd like my Christmas morning =)


Christmas dinner!


the warmth of a fireplace can't beat the warmth of a family together


our innocent excitement as we unwrapped our gifts below the Christmas tree



A song behind the Christmas story.



Was trying to quote the best part of the lyrics that meant a lot to me, but somehow everything felt so close. And I guess I'll use this then.
"All because of love; all because of love."

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To lead, is to serve
Wednesday, December 21, 2011



18/12/11

Back from leadership camp. Dang, it's really been a blast. Getting a chance to be involved with the old comm to do something, and being able to lead in Hiclub again haha. Main objective this time was to empower the juniors with leadership skills.

Overall, the camp went pretty well, could see that the juniors took back a lot from it. Brought in a very different touch to camp this time, with a in-your-face lesson for leadership. It's kinda nice seeing how everything had a purpose behind it. The lessons, games, and even exercise. Quite encouraged hearing the positive feedback from the juniors.

This time was quite different for me though; lost my form. Wasn't the usual frontline upbeat ra-ra guy that lifts the moods up, rather more like a fool bumbling on his words. Felt like I engaged the campers poorly, and then as much as I wanted to, I didn't get any chance to sit down and interact with them as there was too much work needed to be done.

Maybe it's a lesson of humility. Kinda felt quite low during camp, not receiving the usual 'recognition' I got. Honestly, I didn't want to look bad in front of the juniors either. But then my satisfaction shouldn't be based on that; wrong motives. Thank God I had timothy and disheng to help take the fort for the learning experience of the camp.

Though haha, through it all, I do feel proud at least, for the back scene I've done. The leadership components was a last minute injection, after hearing all the problems Hiclub faced. Particularly a few people inspired me to clarify on the misconceptions and styles of leadership, especially for those unrecognized or unconfident. Hope that through it all, both generations of juniors can find some security in who they are and learn to lead from their heart.

Watching the camp reminded me of us 2 years ago. When everyone was still young and innocent.


Our 2009 leadership camp song, I love how it still fills our hearts with those lovely memories whenever we hear it. I love the sparks in our eyes, I love the beautiful natural smile that lights up on our faces. And mostly, I love the way we look at each other, almost telepathically knowing what's on each other's mind and how the perfect camp experience will always stay in our memory.

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God's Angel

On a more brighter/lovely note... (literally LOL)

Got this note from an unknown someone. Kinda quite touched hehe. Rare that I get such things, in a purposeful attempt I guess. Heh, "God's angel", a bit too high no? Wonder what I did to deserve that heh. Quite wishing to know who and what it's about, but I guess not knowing keeps me humble, don't have anything to boast about. Nonetheless, thank you so much for the note, means a lot a lot to me =) Will keep it somewhere.

Dear unknown, if you're here reading this, thank you so much for it, really. Heartmeltz lol. If I have impacted in you any way that has touch your life, I have one request, that you'll do the same for someone else =) Pass it on and touch someone's life as well ^^

And it's true isn't it, how there's always people out there loving us, and whether or not we're aware doesn't change the fact that they do =)

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