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Goodbye All.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ok, I didn't think of it this way, and I'm not diffusing the blame, but its just that wow. it's my fault again.

This time when I said they left, I thought pretty sure It wasn't me who left this time. Guess what, now it's me who chased them away. Bummer.

Really. To all of you who said I'm a good friend, complimented me on the person I am, told me that I was good. Were you all sure you know who you were saying those words to? All of you. Everyone. Telling me, I'm good, I'm a friend. That failing is nothing. Sure. I understand your intentions. And i'm grateful.

But from now on. Stop telling me I'm a friend. I gave it up once, and you ppl gave me that hope, and right now again, I failed. Clearly it shows I don't deserve the status as a friend. And for all those that thinks im some great person, you just havent seen me enough, or know me better.

This has been going on and on like since forever. Each time I continue to try, I only fail again, and end up hurting people. Edison failed 1000 times before he got the lightbulb yes, but that's only because he finally invented the lighbulb. Imagine if he never did came around it, imagine if he stopped at 999 or 1999, or that thru his whole life, he never got it working. Would he be as recognised and know for the bulb as if he succeeded. These people are known only because they succeeded. No one tells you stories of people trying over and over and over again but never worked anything out. Most of them are known as fools. Like me.

You keep telling me, I’ve my good. But so what, I’ve done harm as well, and more. You say you wanna get people to say out my good, why don’t you try getting them to point out my bad, and we see which amounts to more. Even if you can get a high score of the list of good, it only proves one thing; all the more I should stay around from others. Because it’s always the people that’s closer that gets hurt by me.

I don't want to keep hurting people. Thus far, everyone that has gotten close enough to me has bled already, and hence I keep majority of the people at a distance. Even the nicest & most loving person I've ever met, the one who reached deepest into my heart, is still hurting nonetheless. It's always them giving in to me. Making do with the way I am. Yet I'm never strong enough for any of them. It isn't fair for them. Some many good people, getting some kind of shithead like me, they don't deserve it really.

I want to change. I really want to. I don't know how to. And those which I know, I somehow cant. I've caused more pain to those I love than joy. You know. I had enough of this. I had enough of me hurting people. I had enough of me thinking I'm good in any way. I had enough of false hopes thinking I can do it. Just forget everything ok. Forget me.

At least, by keeping everyone at a safe distance, they get my good parts and not any of my bad. If I only learn how to kill myself from inside, then no one will be hurt by me. I'll only have to die, and there wont be any more pain. No one else will have to hurt if they never know me. Then I can just be a shadow, doing things for others. All without the pain.

I'm sorry for whatever wrong I did that chased you all away. Maybe it's a good thing. Don't come back and you wont have to be hurt. Yea, go away, everyone of you. Just leave me be.

God, maybe this would seem like an insult to you, but why, why am I someone that brings so much trouble and hurts to the people around me. Why cant I just be someone good, decent, someone that will bless others. Or if not, why cant I just stop being me, become purely selfless, and have no focus on me. I don't mind being a robot if it's for blessing others. But, why, why must I be a human?

And to all those who cared and gave me chances. Thanks for being my friends. Thanks for giving me that privilege of friendship, thanks for accepting me. Thanks for believing in me. Thanks for allowing me the sweet bliss of friendship. Sorry for not appreciating you, sorry for not remembering you, sorry for not reciprocating, sorry for giving you trouble.

I appreciate your intentions, but... Stop. Stop telling all those nice words, they don't mean a thing if you haven't seen the whole of me. I'm not worth it either. I'm not fit to be anyone's friend.

Goodbye all.

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My First Love
Monday, March 28, 2011

Certainly didn't expect this. But well, it has always been a reoccurring phenomenon.

This time it didn't hurt so much. Maybe I'l become stronger, able to look less of myself, but maybe it's all the more why I'm easier to trample on. Of course, it still hurts because I'm selfish. I write all these not to whine and seek attention, especially from you.

When you walked away, I prayed inside for you to come back. But no one did, just as always. Well, with the choice to walk away already, why would anyone choose to come back, much less for me. Never mind.

You asked for us to stop. I'm wasn't sure what to do. I could just give up everything and play along, telling you to go as well, or... to fight on and tell you I wont let go. I could always choose the easier path, to tell you everything's gone, maybe to spite you, maybe to make you feel sorry, maybe so that you'll come back.

But hey, this isn't a romance film. In this world, nobody gets to see your hurts, and even if they do, nobody's coming for you. Sometimes, in this world, goodbye means forever, and not that they're returning even if it was a mistake. Or maybe so, nobody ever find out about it.

Losing you isn't gonna be easy. You were the first in my life in so many ways. Our journey was arduous but it was certainly heartfelt, many of the moments I had with you, in good and in bad, the joy and the pain. But you've asked me personally, and I'm not sure if I should let go.

I hope I will not regret this. Because you're someone so precious and I don't want to carry you as a burden in my heart. What if it's my fault for letting go, when I could have held on just a bit longer.

At the end of the day, I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of you. The difference between losing you and letting go of you is different. The pain is so unbearable, it's either I just go through it all, or I kill myself first. And I wonder if I can do that. I've gone through it once, and I don't want to go back there. I cant bring myself to stab myself in the heart again, I wish someone would do it for me.

All the pain and anguish, no one will ever understand. Sometimes, you'll walk through this journey without ever having anyone understand. But it shouldn't stop you or me from going forward. I'll keep myself alive for you. C'mon, I must be strong for you. put aside all those hurts, it isn't important. Selflessness. If Jesus could sacrifice everything for me, then all these pain should be nothing compared. There shouldn't be a focus on me, or my pains.

But surely, when you go, part of me gonna leave with you. Heh, maybe it'll go to the extent of me dying for you if I need. My heart goes with you, but my mind will stay back for the people, because they too need someone.

I've been preparing myself as well. One year. And I really want to cherish it. I haven't prepared for my death but I know I'll be able to take it. I will somehow. I always do. I'm not as good as you think, in fact, to some slight degree, I'm just like you.

Well, you're right. I can't promise you forever. But I promise you my best and all, and take faith that it'll last forever. As for that, I'll just keep giving you my best, even if I were to be rejected.

I love you, and you'll always have a place in my heart, always.

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Dreaming With You~~
Sunday, March 27, 2011

Memories are kept while dreams are forgotten. But some dreams become memories that never are forgotten.
The whole experience keeps playing out on a screen. The line blurring between reality and fantasy. It's like a dream, but unlike the typical one, it isn't vague. Every detail, every arc of the story, every start, every beginning.

Every now and then, the scenes invade my mind and I'm transported back to where we were. It brings me a sweet feeling, yet accompanied by a pain of its realness of impossibility. Every moment was so surreal, yet the touch of you kept me drawn in. To be able to experience so many things I've always longed to know and have.

Yet it pains every time I think of it. It hurts more that it's real, and not part of my imagination, but it was made like a dream; with an end, when you wake up and everything's gone.

But I have this habit, I like to laze around in bed, thinking about the dream, and perhaps continuing the story in my semi-conscious state. In fact, I've successfully done it many times. This time, I wished I could have a good ending to it. To be with you to reminisce through the dream together. It was a lovely moment for me, I wondered if it was for you. I've never shared a dream with someone before, and to know what the dream was like for you. All before I wake up from it.

I’d love to know what it was for you. That it would be something meaningful and special to you as well. Something your heart took comfort in. I wish that after all that’s been in your life, perhaps this could give you some resolve. And I don’t want you to think for me, I want you to just think of yourself as who you are and fully grasp the essence of this moment. I may never have the chance to ever see this end again. And I can only take the faith that it was something for you.

But well, maybe you didn't want to dream. And this mustn't make this only about me. It's painfully sad but everything to end abruptly like that but I should stop thinking only about myself. It's hard to let go of this dream and its ending with you. Maybe I wont ever be understood by anyone but that's just one of the price of sacrifice. But painful as it is, for you, I'll keep it as my own secrets. From you, from anyone. And this secret shall be my joy and burden, for as long before it withers.

You don't have to tell me to forget it. I'll eventually forget it somehow. Dreams like these linger on indefinitely until triggered to remembrance. Every moment spent is something dear to my heart, whatever way it was. You can't make me forget it, only time can. But for as long as destiny allows, you'll be the girl of my heart, til the day I lose every bit of you.

If I could fall into the sky
Do you think time would pass me by
Cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
 If I could just see you
If I could just hold you
Tonight

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When best is never good enough.
Saturday, March 26, 2011

It’s supposed to be a day of celebration, yet I’m troubled by much. Much that I wish I could express, but I got to hold in it for my people’s good. Maybe someone will know of these, maybe none. But as painful as it will be, I’ll have to make another sacrifice then… I hate it, that heart-piercing pain, when there’s a big stake pressed down on my chest. It hurts so much, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Why, ok maybe I’m being selfish by wanting to know, but I really dunno how else to support. I’m not strong enough to blindly stay there and wait. I know I suck, I’m not sensitive enough, I dun say the right words or ask the right questions. I don’t capture the right feelings and much of what I do doesn’t really mean much to you all. In fact, I don’t make a good support at all; I dunno how to. But hais, I wish none of you would do this to me. Owells, it takes a lot of effort for me to do that, but then again, perhaps you all have your own difficulties too. Who am I to complain about myself? Do what suits you. I can’t promise I’ll be there for you, but I promise to do the best my heart can give. I’ll just stay around and fight as best as I can, somehow. I’m used to it anyway. My efforts are too pathetic for the concern of any. So yea, just give me a smile to let me know when you’re better. Thanks.

Well it isn’t fair for me to say you wasn’t there for me. I believe you did what you could, whether or not I knew it or appreciated it. Guess it’s also time I learn to stop relying on you and stand on my own two feet. Like you, I found support around thankfully, and managed to pull through. Thanks for being there for me through out everything. I'll learn to hold my fort for now and stop piling on you unnecessary burdens. As for you, I’m not sure how else to support you, I’m just not capable enough, I’m sorry for being useless, and failing to live up to what I promised you. I can only leave you in her hands; I believe she’ll be the one for you. And as for whatever that wont be reaching my ears, I hope you’ll keep yourself well for doing what’s right. When you said I was going to be disappointed, I said I was used to it. Well, it was out to spite you. but yea, This is the first time we’ve been like that. I tried, a few times. I don’t know what’s going on, I wish you’d tell me, but if so, then owells. It hurts, to be honest, but I take faith that you have your reasons, maybe something more important, something I don’t and wont understand. Just hope you’ll be fine… God be with you wherever you go, whatever you face.

And you… maybe what I did was wrong. Maybe I neglected you. I’m sorry. I tried talking to you, showing concern in the best way I can, but once again. I’m just not good enough. I hope you’ll be well, and you won’t have to bear any pain, if any, let it be on me. I should be the one responsible, it was my fault anyway. I hope I can still have my friendship with you as it is.

I’m grateful you gave me a chance. I’m sorry if I wasn’t good enough, not being there for you the right way even when you opened the door. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do, I tried my best and I can only hope it helps. You’ve helped me a lot in these season, I only wish you’d have the same, but sorry for being such so weak. Sorry to be your misfortune. Thanks for all the feedback and support to improve me that has kept me going through the days. And if it be so, don’t risk opening your heart on me; I’m not worth the pain. Give the chance to someone who deserves it more.

And so here I am hurting over my incompetency once again. I can foresee people telling me not to give up, that I have my own goods and yea. But at the end of the day, when all I get is being pushed away by everyone, who am I to blame, them? I’ve tried as best as I can, really. I dunno why I face this problem everywhere. Its either them not opening or me being some loser. The latter that I can find more fault with. I tried, really. I know it’s small, meaningless & pathetic. I’ve tried as best as I can. I’ll probably make some good here and there, but yea, it still comes back down to me being a lousy friend, even though you all tell me I’m ok, I should be myself… It hurts every time I'm being pushed away, especially when because I'm not worth it. I don't know why, but it feels like suddenly, I'm alone again. As if they've left me for hiding, or to accomplish other things. Or maybe it's my fault again, some wrong I did unknowingly... Probably is, always has been.

I’m too weak to be anyone’s friend. No one deserves me. When best is never good enough. Sorry to everyone I've fail. I should stop causing others trouble...

But once again, God, please help me =/ I cant take this pain.

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Cover the World With Love

Today's the big day. After countless hours of practice and grilling, we're up on the stage and signing before many. Despite the nervousness and uncontrolled trembling, our hands move with sync, and our hearts beat as one. I believe, everything everyone has put up on that stage, together with all the efforts have make everything bit of this possible. Thanks all.

Leading this event has helped me learnt a lot. The role of a leader is no easy feat. To have to put on a strong front, putting aside your own weaknesses and troubles and being a hope and guide to your team. A sacrifice that might leave you fighting alone, a pivot where all responsibilities falls on. Having to be one step ahead of your team yet be with them. Being not just a leader but a friend. Learning to accept all under you in a just and non-discriminatory manner. To be there for all no matter the difficulty and distance of all. To sacrifice your ownself, feelings, thoughts, comfort zone for the needs of the people. Truly, being leader is not as simple as it seems.

Definitely, my journey was riddled with failures and there's still so much I can improve on. Allowing my emotions to take the better of me, not planning before time. Being judgmental, non accepting, being too weak to lead. Even so, this time was more difficult for me as I had to stand alone, without any direct support. But nonetheless, I'm grateful for the support raised from the members of the group. The efforts and input, the initiative to find solutions, and how they stepped in when I fell down.

This whole event brings me great achievement and joy. Having the finest standard of song signing performance ever for any known history. Being crazily synchronized, even without a reflector for Nurul as she's a HI. Being able to pass on these fine and minute details of critical song signing aspects to them, and finally to be able to put on a good show.

This will indeed be one of my most memorable events ever in Hi club =)

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Where reality and fantasy meet.
Thursday, March 24, 2011

I fear that would happen since the day I saw you. Why would you?

It took one persistent call as the catalyst to begin. Now all I know is our lives will never be the same. We've left a dent in history. Dream after dream, thought after thought, slowly unfold in light. It's like fantasy melded into reality. It's crazy, boldness in the wrong place, with a waiting heart. I prepared for this, and yet my thorns failed. I'll never know the possibility a second chance may come. Your fervour lasted forever, undesired parting. Now tainted, I don't want to be filled with regrets and shame nor to avoid, I want to meet in face, and overcome it, and be able to look up without contempt. The decision was made, the price has to be paid. An empty field to begin, but I'll plow it in return, for both earth and heaven. I only hope I wont lose myself in it.

Thank you for everything.


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My mind is still constantly perplexed about it. When the line between fantasy and reality blurs til I no longer perceive it. Confused by its reality, yet impossibility. Out of now where that fulfillment of an inner secret. How, can something so impossible, first framed by vague imagination, now painted with vivid details be real? Yet it is.

Hidden places were uncovered, relics collected. The veil was removed, the maiden left vulnerable. The moment of contact and the tingling feel down the body. Both released their cupbearer for negotiations. Interconnected, it warped a space within, longing for it to be filled again. Innervating ecstatic reactions from head to toe.

How, did it come to be. What, made it possible. What if all these was only a dream.

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Sunday Christian
Sunday, March 20, 2011

I wish everyday was a sunday.

Every early morning, it'll be a drag to get myself out of bed, walking to the mrt, and then for another 15 mins walk. But each time the lights dim, the music play and the words spoken forth, I'm enjoying every bit of being in His presence. A feeling I wish would never fade off if not for my human self.

Church. I feel blessed that each sunday, I am reminded of God and how real He is. I get a mixture of joy, gratefulness, brokenness, love, strength, hope with the best part of being able to feel the reality of God. My thoughts are centered around God and I find the inspiration and passion to do so many things I know I have to. I love how my thoughts would flow without ceasing about God. This godly touch every weekend, I wish I could stay in it forever. Because I know how well, each time I walk out of that service, I'm back to 'the world.

I hate it. I hate how I always lose focus of God, feeling the lethargy to do anything. I hate how I become selfish and then weak. I guess I'm a sunday christian. 6 days of the week, I live in a bad testimony to God. Maybe I still have a good heart, but with the focus off God and reliance on human strength, I still become selfish, and fall far from what I set my morals to be. Every moment in your presence rejuvenates my soul, and without I become an empty vessel again. I wish I had a good christian community. One that holds the same standards as I do, one that will push me to do the right things, one that guide me back to God even what I don't want to. Yet again I cant wait for a community to happen, i need to build it by being it, and oh so many times I've rejected the voice to find God.

Dear God, I so dearly wish to be in Your presence. I don't just want it as something felt 3 hours every sunday and I'm left wishing for it. I don't want to be weak for the other 6 days, and gaining the strength when not many people can see that part of me. I know more than anyone else, crystal clear of how much You're real in my life, and have proven of every time I turn to You, things do work out. I wish I wont keep relying on human cognition, and bogged by my weaknesses.

But in all, I use "wish" because I know none of this can happen with me just wishing. A choice must be chosen, an effort must be made. Only then can there be a difference, no matter how small the change. God please grant me added grace for me to do all these. Let my life be a true light of You.

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Take To The Sky
Saturday, March 19, 2011

So much has been happening this hol's

Heading HiClub's Grandioso-team, planning progs for camp and heading a second camp performance. Ever since camp planning started, the days have been packed consecutively.

Some random things~

cracked my laptop screen while leaning on it. Now there's a awesome black lightning bolt looking thing everybody thinks is cool but I dun have the time to repair it. Probably during camp. It's getting kinda annoying now though.

Practice for grandioso broke new grounds for synchronization. Tried with eyes closed, and without music. Haha, tedious but its a great achievement. I wish more Hi clubbers could be part of it though, I'd like to see the standard for song signing improve. Too bad my time is over.

camp planning been choppy, with problems here and there, and me being unhappy abt so many things til I've lost my heart. Argh. Gonna stop criticizing and give more constructive ideas. Pfft

Been spitting out random thoughts on twitter lately. I like.

Much has been going on in my head recently. Mostly thoughts about people, and thoughts about myself. Hopefully I'll grow through whatever experience happening now. I kinda wanna take a break from all these and just chill.

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A Step in Your Shadow
Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Thank you God for the strength.

And suddenly I find myself back to where I left. Selflessness. Oh blessedness. There’s the drive to keep myself once again.

I’m deciding to take up more responsibilities this coming camp. I want to make sure that nothing goes wrong, and that everyone will have the best. I don’t have a need to do it to such extents, in fact, I may not even capable so but for one thing I know, I’m fighting for the camp. Just as well, I’m fighting for you. I want to do what you would have wanted be done if in my place. Since you wont be around, I will take the fort for you, looking to you as my role model.

I’ve also found out an interaction between issues I didn’t realize had a bigger effect on me. I have felt inferior to you for quite long. You’ve always been more tactful, understanding, passionate, being able to reach the people, way more selfless, stronger, more known, more capable. Much of what I can do, you could as well, and make it better.
And with my loss of confidence, both from low esteem, and due to my genuine lack of skills, I have become over reliant on you. Needing the assurance from you for everything I do. Always returning to you for consultation.

I know you would want me to stand on my own and not fall on the shoulders of others, especially yours. Well, I’ve lived on with much of self-accreditation. Most of what I know comes from faith, but humanly, I’m weak and with no confidence of myself. Maybe I lack the affirmation from others. Touching a sore point brings me more negative response than positive regard, and hence I fend for myself through the times.

Nonetheless, now that I know, I shall not let myself live in inferiority. Yea, I may feel that you’re still better than me, a notion I choose to determine as fact. But I am who I am, and I will do the best of the way I am. And that will I impact lives the way I most uniquely do so.
Lol, it’s somewhat self-accreditation again, but there are people I know who are with me, people who believe in me, people who will support me.

And if they believe in me, why should I not?

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Pride comes before a fall
Sunday, March 13, 2011

I hope it'll be a virtue I'll drill into my head; humility.

This season had me face up to many painful areas of my life. Initiated by a series of emo outbursts, beating myself up, only to unacceptingly find certain truth in them. I have been living with a inflated sense of ego. Truely, pride is one of my biggest downfall.

Functioning as a self protecting mechanism as to the false self-credit given to keep my own esteem stemming from the lack of affirmation through my days. Yet, an over dependence of it has done more harm then good, as many defenses do.

I'm always wavering within the two extremes without any proper substance. On one hand I think too highly of myself, placing myself above others. On the other, I fall into self-condemnation and self-pity of being the most terrible person ever. Both of which creates this exaggerated focus on the self.

Hais. More often then not, would be the pride of superiority. Always place myself above others, that I can think better, do better, that I have high morals/values, doing more right things, being more sacrificial. But going through all these have allowed me to see the weak state I am.

I've gone past the emo stage, those the thoughts seems similar, but seeing through so many of my faults, Im not sure how else to see myself in a positive light. Maybe this is my fall, humbling me from conceitedness. I only wish I can be rid of these weaknesses and flaws.

Yet as well I'm afraid of losing this battle, that after everything goes through, I might be back to that's prideful state. I admire humble people really, ironic but yea. It's so easy to forget these people because they never do credit themselves until someones points out so. But that should be the way things are done. Not for self-glorification or build one's esteem. Need to learn to remove my "self" out of the picture. God break me if you must.

I need to learn a great deal about humility.

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