Today's cell went well. But all glory to God. Too caught up preparing for my interview I didn't get to prepare for cell. And on the train ride back was thinking what I could do for cell. Didn't do a too good job last week, cos my head was in a mess.
Nearing bedok was getting worried about the lack of inspiration til finally got a brain blast. The topic was supposed to be on the motives of the heart. And came the idea of playing charades of bible characters.
The gestures used for to depict the characters often was something significant that represented them. And so at the end of the game, we ought to ask ourselves too, if our life were to be acted out, what would it be like? As men and women of God, what would be our story of faith be as it is told to the next generation?
In an analogy, a verse came to mind, Psalms 1 about the righteous, and had it to capture each of our current state.
Mine used to be one that stood tall and strong, a tree that provided shade and protection for the smaller trees around. And in its time, suddenly grew weak. withered leaves, dried out trunk, shriveled branches. And it just feels weird that I'm the weak one now, knowing there are other trees around me still.
However through it all, I can feel and know that God's working through me, tearing everything that's weak down to the roots, to be able to make place for a new one to grow, stronger, mightier and more powerful. I know I'll get through this.
Each night is getting more difficult, more lost in this empty world.
Every night I curl up wishing there'll be people around, someone to have the company with. Yet at the same I don't know how.
Things are becoming really hard. I'm not sure why, or how I got here. Fallen into a ditch. It's cold, lonely and sad down here. I'm thinking about myself, I'm thinking about people, it feels like I've lost everything suddenly.
I don't like this feeling at all. I wish I can stop holding on and fall into safe arms. Being too strong for way too long, I forgot what's it like to not be.
and I realize. I feel uncomfortable when people pursue me. And when I know they're serious and gonna invest in me I fear even more. Everything's cool till they start inching towards me, and then I get paranoid.
I feel like a bomb, something that'll hurt people the closer they are. And inside me, I run each time they try to come near. My inside cries out "Don't come near me."
I'd want to be normal like others, I wanna have friends. but no, I'm something that poses a danger, someone that will bring pain. And so I need to flee, so no one will get hurt. Sorry to the people I keep rejecting
I wish I can find someone safe from my harm, someone I can feel secured in. And that that he/she will take my hand and love me,
It was the second read it that stopped me in my tracks.
And I'm asking myself, has it reached to such an extent. Of hatred, of malice. Its cruel. Not sure if I should be angry or be sorry. The anger tempts me to play my better half of the game, but nothing good's gonna work out if I did that.I assure you if you intended for it, it will be there, but not because you made me feel this way, but because I chose to face my failures.
Do I even have a right to be angry in the first place. After all it is me that have caused you these much hurts. The constant neglect and other missing puzzles. Taking you for granted as the better man. Forgetting you when times are better, making you less of a priority. The pain would be beyond tolerance.
But no, not a toy. Never were a toy, whatever it was. You should know how much she means to me, yet I am unable to make her feel so. And similarly, i probably wont be able to make you feel it either. It doesn't help that my pathetic life cant prove your values to me. Nothing I do helps and I don't know what else to do. It seems that my efforts are trivial, definitely means no more in my eyes yours are than mine is to you. Sorry I'm too pathetic, I cant even make a simple friendship work out for you no matter how I try. I'll just do what I can, somehow.
You shouldn't expect anything out of me, cause there's nothing inside. Sometimes, I cant face you because I know I wont be able to fulfill what you want it to be. You don't deserve some like me anyway, someone unable to reciprocate your friendship. Guess i'm not cut out for it. It's your call. Pull the chute if you cant go on. I wont blame you.
Just a thin line away from losing all the trust,
but I'll keep it there just for the benefit of doubt.
Today was surely a platter of emotions of all waves.
Hope to glory in my weakness. Happiness from which came a chance. Gratitude for someone who came far out just for me. Sadness in coping with my failures. Anxiety from compliments indicating a possibility of good in me. Guilt in my wrongdoings. Fear from a presumed intention. Anger to beat it all back. Helplessness in not knowing what to do. Righteousness in keeping to what's right. Solitude in realizing the battle just got lonelier. Faith in the hopes of a miraculous future.
It's going to be one tough time ahead. Maybe after so long, it's time I stopped being so strong and allow myself to be weak and helped for once.
It seems there are people there, how many, how real I do not know, but I shall take the risk and jump. If I fall on hard ground, just a pity then. I'll let the future unfold by itself.
What if having friendships hurts others more than it hurts you.
I'm stuck between taking faith in believing things will be well if I pull through on the long run, on the other risk hurting them through it.
Should I continue persevering at the expense of others? Should I ask them to hold on? Or should I just abandon everything before things get worse. Hope is meant to be a secured anticipation of a definite good in due time, and I'm willing to take that pain. As much as I like to be positive, sometimes I think only in my perspective, and forget what it's like for others. Maybe others aren't as hopeful as me. Or maybe others aren't a fool like me. But then will hope pay off?
I'm trying, am I? Or is being flawed a simple excuse to escape the duties. What if, friendship was merely a game of survival for me, grabbing on to those I need and discarding those I little use of. Yet in a series of perpetual neglect that bugs every relationship. Sometimes I seriously, have no idea on what to do. But what if friendship does mean something to me, something I know I'll keep locked in my heart locked throughout everything. What if I am lacking in needs and understanding of such bonds. What ifs. It could be either or both, but would it matter?
Others. Thinking for others. I'm trying to figure out how, though 99% it ends up turning to me. This would indeed be a character flaw knowing the times I should hold my piece and yet I do it. Yet as well seemingly significant part of something I'm not doing that causes the conflicts, something which I lack understanding of what, how and why.
I don't know. This morning I smiled at a pair of best friends and thought to myself, indeed, there will always a someone for somebody, well almost, ideally. And yet daily I have been struggling if i'm deserve having friends.
As much as I'm not supposed to keep thinking about myself and the hurts of others, the difficulty comes when I've done something to someone by not doing something. Yeap. Figured the basics guidelines roughly and I'm trying in my effort to do them though it gets tiring.
Two people, I have come to love, yet forbidden to say so, and yet too disgustingly weak to carry out the token of it. In extremes, I have never done anything out of my personal self for anyone these much. Though one less than another, all these efforts... are beyond me. But maybe it comes a time where weaknesses becomes bullshit, and in the end I'm just nothing but a selfish asshole. To them, I probably dont see the picture. To me, yes indeed I don't see any picture.
What would be right, cutting it off from here so it'll be a short blow and none anymore or risking these weaknesses and asking them to wait for me more? I would keep it if i knew how, but for now I see myself unable to sustain any more relationships deeper or further than this.
For as much as so I have designed myself to be in a way that would both be beneficial yet detrimental. Seeing the tremendous flaws and issues I have hauled up through my past, didn't want to leave myself in that sorry pathetic state.
And so I've learned, to rearrange parts of me, much like a computer's defragmenter, to piece together all the good parts and place them on the outside. Compressed everything good to the surface and using it to cover up the bad parts so it doesn't affect anyone.
The only redeem I would hope for myself to be, is to be able to bless people with whatever good I have. I wouldn't mind if they come to me for help and then leave after that, I think it be my privilege to be able to use those gifts to bless others. No need for any of bad parts to pull down people. And it has indeed served me well, to be able to focus on helping many people around has been such a great joy. Though it gets troublesome when they try to make friends with me. I know the process only too well.
I've shifted my focus to fortifying the outside of me. It's wrong to call it a facade, it's everything real of me, just with the flaws filtered. Many see me as a capable, sociable, influential person, someone you might wanna be friends with. I only can make a good first impression, and then everything afterwards is downhill.
Thus the outer reins, perfecting everything thats required for a favourable short term touch. I never intended for people to come closer. I'm a stark contrast to what people might normally expect me to be mostly a gaping hole left of old hurts and missing needs. Needs that have concentrated to a massive bulk after awhile, needs that was meant for the family to meet, needs that shouldn't be imposed on people around.
And so here's the bad part. Having isolated this side of me, it has much been underdeveloped, often hidden and malnourished from social touch. That part of me, a broken person. Protecting people from myself also meant protecting from possible help, and I guess that's just how I grew up.
The point is, I'm only nice and shiny on the outside but all shriveled at weak deep inside. To repot all the nice flowers on the exterior and everything not nice to the back. Like these ugly editted picture haha.
Yea, it's nice and rosy as it seems, but the further you venture, the harder it gets to endure, the harshness of a barren land beats down on anyone who enters. People have trod and people have left, one after the other. Even till they hated me. Both of them. Set up safety boundaries to protect people from coming too close.
And this is why subjectively, I dont really accept fully when people praise me. I don't think they know me, or at least if it refers to the exterior, if not then it surely does not apply to my whole. Me, good? ha, I guess it only meant the outside. Only till they stepped in will they realize, I'm not the good person they think me to be.
Suddenly I cant help but fall back into those thoughts. Me being loved wholly for who I am... humans, nah. God hopefully. These be the last bonds I hold and never more, till I trust myself again.
Curled up on the floor under the shower holding what's left in me, singing the words over and over again. I never felt so desperate and helpless yet struggling to keep my faith on Him who promises.
I not sure at all. I don't want to end up thinking it'll be well, and yet otherwise, knowing I could have done more. But desperation turns me back to You and I can only hope and hold strong to this promise. Please come to my rescue. I'm losing it. Please help me.
Countless "what if's" and scenarios kept playing in my mind. Don't want to ever lose you. Somehow in the midst of all these wavering emotions and unpredictable twists and turns, a part of me inside breaks and bleeds each time I think of you. Don't know what else to do in all these weaknesses. I desire in my heart so much to see you happy once again, to see you smile from within.
Guess I've lost it. Lost myself. Lost you. Lost him. Trying hard to hold everything together, for both of you. I'm trying hard to push myself to do more for the preciousness of these bonds I treasure. In my weakness I can only acknowledge the hurts and pains I've caused, sometimes watch helplessly as everything crumbles apart, so much so that an apology sounds so disgraceful coming from me. But at the end of everything, I love you. I really do.
sometimes I just don't know how. never really understood or felt loved either...
You know the times when we talk about our secondary school experiences. The way we talk about it as the past, as though unassociated to the present. We know the present to be life, something real and tangible, yet we perceive the past as a memory, like a dream once had. What they call as seasons in life makes it feel as though life was written in chapters, with clear distinctions in between marked by a clear title head. Would the perception of life differ if we view it as a continuous flow or when compartmentalized? I wonder of the current present that feels so real at the moment, the friends and family the joy and troubles...
...how would we see it, describe it, remember it, as we move on to our next phase.
The idea that I mean something to the people around still doesn't sit well with my mind.
Those names... It feels real, yet unbelievable. For me to be loved for who I am. It feels sad, that people tell me I'm loved by many, yet I feel otherwise.
I seem somewhat blinded to this supposed fact. It is them? Or is it me? Could I be searching for something more than what I already have.
When you told me about them, a wave of disgust flooded me, the same reaction as when she did. I felt disgusted at myself for entertaining the thoughts of them being a reality. It's a pathetic scene.
But hey, I'll try to believe, take that dare to open up my inside to people around, allow myself to be weak. Never liked the idea of being weak, because no one comes.
But maybe that's why I'm feeling all these again, the re-awakening of all these emotions, locked up somewhere. My weaknesses and fears, hurts and broken dreams. A fear behind these walls of fortitude, that no one would come for me. Dont want to be seen as weak and pathetic either.
Don't like all these feelings that I have. Don't want to be alone.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Today's cell went well. But all glory to God. Too caught up preparing for my interview I didn't get to prepare for cell. And on the train ride back was thinking what I could do for cell. Didn't do a too good job last week, cos my head was in a mess.
Nearing bedok was getting worried about the lack of inspiration til finally got a brain blast. The topic was supposed to be on the motives of the heart. And came the idea of playing charades of bible characters.
The gestures used for to depict the characters often was something significant that represented them. And so at the end of the game, we ought to ask ourselves too, if our life were to be acted out, what would it be like? As men and women of God, what would be our story of faith be as it is told to the next generation?
In an analogy, a verse came to mind, Psalms 1 about the righteous, and had it to capture each of our current state.
Mine used to be one that stood tall and strong, a tree that provided shade and protection for the smaller trees around. And in its time, suddenly grew weak. withered leaves, dried out trunk, shriveled branches. And it just feels weird that I'm the weak one now, knowing there are other trees around me still.
However through it all, I can feel and know that God's working through me, tearing everything that's weak down to the roots, to be able to make place for a new one to grow, stronger, mightier and more powerful. I know I'll get through this.
Each night is getting more difficult, more lost in this empty world.
Every night I curl up wishing there'll be people around, someone to have the company with. Yet at the same I don't know how.
Things are becoming really hard. I'm not sure why, or how I got here. Fallen into a ditch. It's cold, lonely and sad down here. I'm thinking about myself, I'm thinking about people, it feels like I've lost everything suddenly.
I don't like this feeling at all. I wish I can stop holding on and fall into safe arms. Being too strong for way too long, I forgot what's it like to not be.
and I realize. I feel uncomfortable when people pursue me. And when I know they're serious and gonna invest in me I fear even more. Everything's cool till they start inching towards me, and then I get paranoid.
I feel like a bomb, something that'll hurt people the closer they are. And inside me, I run each time they try to come near. My inside cries out "Don't come near me."
I'd want to be normal like others, I wanna have friends. but no, I'm something that poses a danger, someone that will bring pain. And so I need to flee, so no one will get hurt. Sorry to the people I keep rejecting
I wish I can find someone safe from my harm, someone I can feel secured in. And that that he/she will take my hand and love me,
It was the second read it that stopped me in my tracks.
And I'm asking myself, has it reached to such an extent. Of hatred, of malice. Its cruel. Not sure if I should be angry or be sorry. The anger tempts me to play my better half of the game, but nothing good's gonna work out if I did that.I assure you if you intended for it, it will be there, but not because you made me feel this way, but because I chose to face my failures.
Do I even have a right to be angry in the first place. After all it is me that have caused you these much hurts. The constant neglect and other missing puzzles. Taking you for granted as the better man. Forgetting you when times are better, making you less of a priority. The pain would be beyond tolerance.
But no, not a toy. Never were a toy, whatever it was. You should know how much she means to me, yet I am unable to make her feel so. And similarly, i probably wont be able to make you feel it either. It doesn't help that my pathetic life cant prove your values to me. Nothing I do helps and I don't know what else to do. It seems that my efforts are trivial, definitely means no more in my eyes yours are than mine is to you. Sorry I'm too pathetic, I cant even make a simple friendship work out for you no matter how I try. I'll just do what I can, somehow.
You shouldn't expect anything out of me, cause there's nothing inside. Sometimes, I cant face you because I know I wont be able to fulfill what you want it to be. You don't deserve some like me anyway, someone unable to reciprocate your friendship. Guess i'm not cut out for it. It's your call. Pull the chute if you cant go on. I wont blame you.
Just a thin line away from losing all the trust,
but I'll keep it there just for the benefit of doubt.
Today was surely a platter of emotions of all waves.
Hope to glory in my weakness. Happiness from which came a chance. Gratitude for someone who came far out just for me. Sadness in coping with my failures. Anxiety from compliments indicating a possibility of good in me. Guilt in my wrongdoings. Fear from a presumed intention. Anger to beat it all back. Helplessness in not knowing what to do. Righteousness in keeping to what's right. Solitude in realizing the battle just got lonelier. Faith in the hopes of a miraculous future.
It's going to be one tough time ahead. Maybe after so long, it's time I stopped being so strong and allow myself to be weak and helped for once.
It seems there are people there, how many, how real I do not know, but I shall take the risk and jump. If I fall on hard ground, just a pity then. I'll let the future unfold by itself.
What if having friendships hurts others more than it hurts you.
I'm stuck between taking faith in believing things will be well if I pull through on the long run, on the other risk hurting them through it.
Should I continue persevering at the expense of others? Should I ask them to hold on? Or should I just abandon everything before things get worse. Hope is meant to be a secured anticipation of a definite good in due time, and I'm willing to take that pain. As much as I like to be positive, sometimes I think only in my perspective, and forget what it's like for others. Maybe others aren't as hopeful as me. Or maybe others aren't a fool like me. But then will hope pay off?
I'm trying, am I? Or is being flawed a simple excuse to escape the duties. What if, friendship was merely a game of survival for me, grabbing on to those I need and discarding those I little use of. Yet in a series of perpetual neglect that bugs every relationship. Sometimes I seriously, have no idea on what to do. But what if friendship does mean something to me, something I know I'll keep locked in my heart locked throughout everything. What if I am lacking in needs and understanding of such bonds. What ifs. It could be either or both, but would it matter?
Others. Thinking for others. I'm trying to figure out how, though 99% it ends up turning to me. This would indeed be a character flaw knowing the times I should hold my piece and yet I do it. Yet as well seemingly significant part of something I'm not doing that causes the conflicts, something which I lack understanding of what, how and why.
I don't know. This morning I smiled at a pair of best friends and thought to myself, indeed, there will always a someone for somebody, well almost, ideally. And yet daily I have been struggling if i'm deserve having friends.
As much as I'm not supposed to keep thinking about myself and the hurts of others, the difficulty comes when I've done something to someone by not doing something. Yeap. Figured the basics guidelines roughly and I'm trying in my effort to do them though it gets tiring.
Two people, I have come to love, yet forbidden to say so, and yet too disgustingly weak to carry out the token of it. In extremes, I have never done anything out of my personal self for anyone these much. Though one less than another, all these efforts... are beyond me. But maybe it comes a time where weaknesses becomes bullshit, and in the end I'm just nothing but a selfish asshole. To them, I probably dont see the picture. To me, yes indeed I don't see any picture.
What would be right, cutting it off from here so it'll be a short blow and none anymore or risking these weaknesses and asking them to wait for me more? I would keep it if i knew how, but for now I see myself unable to sustain any more relationships deeper or further than this.
For as much as so I have designed myself to be in a way that would both be beneficial yet detrimental. Seeing the tremendous flaws and issues I have hauled up through my past, didn't want to leave myself in that sorry pathetic state.
And so I've learned, to rearrange parts of me, much like a computer's defragmenter, to piece together all the good parts and place them on the outside. Compressed everything good to the surface and using it to cover up the bad parts so it doesn't affect anyone.
The only redeem I would hope for myself to be, is to be able to bless people with whatever good I have. I wouldn't mind if they come to me for help and then leave after that, I think it be my privilege to be able to use those gifts to bless others. No need for any of bad parts to pull down people. And it has indeed served me well, to be able to focus on helping many people around has been such a great joy. Though it gets troublesome when they try to make friends with me. I know the process only too well.
I've shifted my focus to fortifying the outside of me. It's wrong to call it a facade, it's everything real of me, just with the flaws filtered. Many see me as a capable, sociable, influential person, someone you might wanna be friends with. I only can make a good first impression, and then everything afterwards is downhill.
Thus the outer reins, perfecting everything thats required for a favourable short term touch. I never intended for people to come closer. I'm a stark contrast to what people might normally expect me to be mostly a gaping hole left of old hurts and missing needs. Needs that have concentrated to a massive bulk after awhile, needs that was meant for the family to meet, needs that shouldn't be imposed on people around.
And so here's the bad part. Having isolated this side of me, it has much been underdeveloped, often hidden and malnourished from social touch. That part of me, a broken person. Protecting people from myself also meant protecting from possible help, and I guess that's just how I grew up.
The point is, I'm only nice and shiny on the outside but all shriveled at weak deep inside. To repot all the nice flowers on the exterior and everything not nice to the back. Like these ugly editted picture haha.
Yea, it's nice and rosy as it seems, but the further you venture, the harder it gets to endure, the harshness of a barren land beats down on anyone who enters. People have trod and people have left, one after the other. Even till they hated me. Both of them. Set up safety boundaries to protect people from coming too close.
And this is why subjectively, I dont really accept fully when people praise me. I don't think they know me, or at least if it refers to the exterior, if not then it surely does not apply to my whole. Me, good? ha, I guess it only meant the outside. Only till they stepped in will they realize, I'm not the good person they think me to be.
Suddenly I cant help but fall back into those thoughts. Me being loved wholly for who I am... humans, nah. God hopefully. These be the last bonds I hold and never more, till I trust myself again.
Curled up on the floor under the shower holding what's left in me, singing the words over and over again. I never felt so desperate and helpless yet struggling to keep my faith on Him who promises.
I not sure at all. I don't want to end up thinking it'll be well, and yet otherwise, knowing I could have done more. But desperation turns me back to You and I can only hope and hold strong to this promise. Please come to my rescue. I'm losing it. Please help me.
Countless "what if's" and scenarios kept playing in my mind. Don't want to ever lose you. Somehow in the midst of all these wavering emotions and unpredictable twists and turns, a part of me inside breaks and bleeds each time I think of you. Don't know what else to do in all these weaknesses. I desire in my heart so much to see you happy once again, to see you smile from within.
Guess I've lost it. Lost myself. Lost you. Lost him. Trying hard to hold everything together, for both of you. I'm trying hard to push myself to do more for the preciousness of these bonds I treasure. In my weakness I can only acknowledge the hurts and pains I've caused, sometimes watch helplessly as everything crumbles apart, so much so that an apology sounds so disgraceful coming from me. But at the end of everything, I love you. I really do.
sometimes I just don't know how. never really understood or felt loved either...
You know the times when we talk about our secondary school experiences. The way we talk about it as the past, as though unassociated to the present. We know the present to be life, something real and tangible, yet we perceive the past as a memory, like a dream once had. What they call as seasons in life makes it feel as though life was written in chapters, with clear distinctions in between marked by a clear title head. Would the perception of life differ if we view it as a continuous flow or when compartmentalized? I wonder of the current present that feels so real at the moment, the friends and family the joy and troubles...
...how would we see it, describe it, remember it, as we move on to our next phase.
The idea that I mean something to the people around still doesn't sit well with my mind.
Those names... It feels real, yet unbelievable. For me to be loved for who I am. It feels sad, that people tell me I'm loved by many, yet I feel otherwise.
I seem somewhat blinded to this supposed fact. It is them? Or is it me? Could I be searching for something more than what I already have.
When you told me about them, a wave of disgust flooded me, the same reaction as when she did. I felt disgusted at myself for entertaining the thoughts of them being a reality. It's a pathetic scene.
But hey, I'll try to believe, take that dare to open up my inside to people around, allow myself to be weak. Never liked the idea of being weak, because no one comes.
But maybe that's why I'm feeling all these again, the re-awakening of all these emotions, locked up somewhere. My weaknesses and fears, hurts and broken dreams. A fear behind these walls of fortitude, that no one would come for me. Dont want to be seen as weak and pathetic either.
Don't like all these feelings that I have. Don't want to be alone.
Darren Nico Pillai
