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My Chance For A Fairytale
Saturday, July 10, 2010

Leaning by the corner of a wall, writing about my dreams and fantasies.

I wonder what's a fairytale like? Maybe I've been watching too mane movies or reminiscing from novels I read when I was little kid. This they call, something that exists in almost every story.

Its like this something that's missing inside of me. This void I cant seem to fill, no matter how I try. I think I have the answers to it, but I don't think its meant to be. It's happened all around me. I've seen it. It's even happening now, and seeing it happen before my eyes is so heartwrenching.

When's mine I wonder. Do I get a chance at it? I wished I know the thoughts of others. I wanna know my value. No, I'm not thinking I'm lousy, it's just that I wonder, do fairytales like these exists. Surely there ought to be some basis. A lie cant exists if there is no truth to lie about.

But what are the chances? I've been through it 3 times, and none of which made into reality. 5 months after you left my memories, my heart has been wandering in the wilderness. Is there really a bliss that's exists? Or perhaps it's merely some story that's made up to bluff the world.

At times, all I see is just a world of darkness, and I'm sitting there alone, a splotligh shining down on me, and all that surrounds me is black empty space.

Every soul my path crosses has me questioning, what if? A little tingly feeling, a adrenaline rush, we been through them all. Even if I found one, how would it ever be possible for things to be that way. Everything's merely an illusion.

Everyone. All them all. I'm playing with chances, toying with lives, gambling with fantasies...

Have I been dreaming too much?

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Take a break and here we go again

Alrites man, today was a chiongster day having to finish up my WIC and Specom essay, was so dam worried. I often leave things to the last minute but I never experienced having to complete two essays in the same day but owells things were pretty good =D

Finished my wic term paper at 12.30 with 3.2k words. Record sia HAHA and optimal word count should be 2k but teacher let us have how much we want so HAHA like that lor Specom essay was just a random bomb of words, had my momentum going so yea, finished that pretty quick as well.

Anyway, more quick updates on me thoughts,
  • It's kinda cute seeing two of my friends developing a mutual liking for each other xD silly lovebirds~
  • I still wonder how the dynamics of relationships works. Love has a great power to change dynamics completely. And since I cant be in one, I have to learn from others. =l
  • Someone complimented me for being different. Made my day plenty plenty ^^ positively different also HAHA YAAAAY *high*
  • I wonder if I am actually doing things wrongly. I had been observing the dynamics of a certain someone analysing and stuff and sometimes I wonder if I'm actually making the same mistakes?
  • This week isn't gonna be any better with about 5 assignments to complete...
  • I think my condition should be stabilizing =D Havent been doing much screw ups recently ^^
  • I really need to sleep, my eyebags are majorly awesome, they look like makeup
  • Still aiming to be a better fella
  • Wondering if I'm truly as people think I am, or might it be a facade that even fools myself
  • Some of my behaviour has changed drastically for the worse, I'm disgusted at myself
  • Glad that I can at least put a smile on someone's face, sometimes, it makes a world of difference
  • Teaching my hiclub class of 31 people is no easy feat. Planning a formation makes it even tougher
  • I think I have neglected the one closest to me despite wanting to help others. Need to cherish him more.
  • I wish he could open up his world to me, sometimes I have no idea where I should probe and whether or not I ought to. =l Sorry, buddy
  • French is kinda fun but dam tough to learn. Je m'appelle Nico ^^ Et vous?
  • I friggin need a haircut, my hair is so dam long and irritating I touch it at least a hundred times each day =(

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History Maker
Thursday, July 8, 2010

I'm writing this form the middle of the night because I feel so distracted from doing my work. Wasting precious time =l


Anyways, today is the final performance of the three and boy was its nerve wrecking. We were the only performers at the HMS award ceremony and eeks, all eyes were on us to put on a good show for the closing finale. And sheesh, so many familiar faces, its darn freaky.

Well, I kinda screwed up my first part which was kinda sad, but overall I think we did a relaly really great performance. I'd like to credit myself for the effort and the whole make-up of the practice of the performance. I think at least with my perfectionism and over-high standards I really managed to push the performing standards of this show much much higher. Of cos with the help of fellow team mates and their dedication ^^

I'd like to feel that I made history. Since so long has there been a (hiclub) performance of high quality. I think our formation wasn't that too fantastic, but for synchronization, I think we really hit it =D Would be lovely to think that next time in the future, people will look back and say "Hey, remember the performance done by Darren's group, that was one of the best performance ever in Hi Club". History makers. With effort and perseverance, I've made mine.

Haha, but I secretly hope that people can affirm me >.< Feeling kinda happy for the achievement yet sad because I'm not sure if anyone appreciates it. Owells. Am surrendering those feelings. At least I know I've done my best =)

will link the vid when its up ^^



AND SIA LUH

We perform for HMS award ceremony. See everyone getting awards for best this best that. I feel so inspired to work hard so that maybe one day, I too can be amongst the top =D

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It's a Love-Hate Thing
Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Well well well, I have dawned upon some new inspiration and acceptance of myself. Me being annoying. =)

Ha, I'm sure most people that know me have at least once have gotten annoyed the shit out by me. In fact, I dun think I have ever failed to not annoy somehow. But over the time as I go about doing my whole deviance and self acceptance thing, I have come to enjoy and liked even the flawed side of my annoyingness and it being a part of me and who I am.

History first, I started off as a super seriously annoying kid doing all sorts of irritating stuff to get people pissed. It was kinda out to get attention which I lacked quite a lot. And well, being annoying isn't a very good way of recieving positive attention, but well it does work. I believe I would be one of the most difficult kids back then, a horror to caregivers and friends.

It was until I lost my best friend in the process of my misbehaviour. I mean wow, I practically annoyed the shit out of best buddy so much he had it and just broke the friendship with me. Well it wasn't really his fault, I mean I really was a terror back then and having to tolerate me and be my friend for years was something he surpassed others in. But well, I had to learn my lesson the hard way.

Since then, I always had a fear, a fear that I will annoy others so much they would leave me as well, maybe hate me. And from then I never fully opened up to others cause I didn't want them to feel unhappy. I feared the rejection that others might give and closed myself inwards, becoming quite an introvert. And that being so, I was especially sensitive to negative comments about me being irritating or a nuisance. If I ever heard something like that, I would have totally break down inside instantly.

But moving forward to the present, I have come to realized this part of who I am, not that I should stay an annoying brat always but, somehow, I feel that as I accept this now "annoying" part of me, I begin to present it in a more well... genuine way with lesser motives of pure attention seeking behaviour. And the people around me have accepted me for who I am as well.

A few things sparked off a memory from a anime show, Clannad. I find myself relating to one of the characters, Sunohara. He's kinda like some really annoying guy in this show with his randomness and weird antics. But as unlikable as he is, he is still part of the clique and group of people, and in some way, his annoying behaviour is part of the whole group together as one. He's part of them, the way he is.

As I ponder over my doings, I find that I somehow develop a somewhat love-hate relationship with many people in a away that goes "Argh I haaaate you~" with yet an affectionate feeling with it. Somehow, that which I have yet to understand, is that well, this part of me being terribly "annoying" has become a part of their lives, and thru either making them positively and laughably pissed off at me, it would be something missing if I never existed. Perhaps this "annoyingness" in me brings out a thing in them which well, I dunno, does something good for them =P If you do know, please do let me know how I have made a difference to you small or big hahax.

But yea, I think its a wonderful and meaningful lesson, coming to accept and embrace part of me which I have avoided for ever so long. It's like having part of me restored, and my esteem raised. Haha, perhaps it really is true? When one is congruous with himself, things will really be quite well and nice ^^ At least, now I no longer hate and think myself to be an annoyance to others =] Oh and thanks to the people around for accepting me for who I am, both the good and the bad, it means a lot to me, and I believe to many others around also ^^

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A Half of Memories and Future
Sunday, July 4, 2010

Hmm, I've been thinking about this recently. My life in Poly, a step into the social world again. Meeting peers of my age and study and common interest. Even share a passion with many awesome people around me.

Time is short. My time in poly has been really really awesome. From trying out new things, having psychological debates, laughing over crazy stuff, planning mind games, analyzing people, finding a best friend, helping random souls, collecting a heck lot of CCA points, meeting new people, going out with friends, doing absolutely stupid and senseless things, being retarded, creating scandals, talking lame stuff, chionging projects, emoing over others, joining in camps as a camper and GL, waking up late, making fun about teachers, and so much much more.

Shit man, just thinking of all these makes me miss the past already. I wanna go back to 1 year ago. I wanna relive all these memories. I don't want my poly years to end. I don't want all this to go. But nvm, I must learn how to cherish what I have.

1 and a half years. I still have much I can do. I wanna make more friends, and hopefully leave something meaningful in their lives. I wanna change the world. I wanna become a better person. I wanna make life more meaningful.

Haha, and suddenly I thought, what if I made my present so great that it might hurt for me to reminiscent about it later in the future. =P

But nonetheless,

Don't cry because it's over; Rejoice because it happened. ^^

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Hearts In Sync, Signing In Unity

Well well well. It's my 2nd performance for the project =D 3rd one's coming up this wednesday.

Recently, been super busy trying to head a hiclub performance team to sign "Change A Heart, Change The World" for three separate events. 2 charity events and 1 school award ceremony. woah, lucky the school award one's the last, so we have ample time to build up the momentum and standard.

Hah, it's been my goal this year to improve on song signing and really focusing more on expressions and good gesturing. So since I'm given this opportunity (which i kinda rejected at first), I decided to make dreams become reality.

Firstly, me being a hardcore perfectionist. I aimed for our performance to be of really high standards. kinda like a dance performance. But haha, I doubt ours can reach that standard because song signing requires more expression and complex micro movements. But yeaps. I pushed on. Trying my best to break the boundaries. I wasn't satisfied with our normal standard.

I pressed on, being as anal as I can, nitpicking every small mistake. I felt discourage sometimes, seeing that some of them didn't seem to like the way I was doing things, but with some words of encouragement, hehe, I held on to my dreams =)

Shalln't go to much into how much turmoil and stress I gave myself during this period. I'm really really glad that thru all my pushing and perfecting of moves, we've got breakthrough and have our higher standards and quality of group song signing. We even have a blind practice where everyone closed their eyes and signed and even managed pretty good synchro :D

I hope that this song sign team will take pride of the high standards we have achieve through all the hard work and time. I'm proud of y'all. But let's not stop here. Together, we will reach for the stars!

All the best for HMS award day! Woots!

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A Wish Come True,
Thursday, July 1, 2010

Haha, I know the previous post was dam emo but yea, was just some spiral of emo thoughts. but. nonetheless. I thought about something.

I've been searching for one since eons ago. I had my ideals, I had my hopes, I had that tiny little wish for it to come true. I wasn't searching for money, fame, or attention. I was hoping deep down, for a companion. A partner, a bestie, a good friend, whichever.

Being shunned by the world time and time over again, due to my quite unlikable nature, which many have not experienced, I closed up my heart from within, being naturally open, yet never letting anyone touch even the out skirts of heart's walls.

Being fearful of the possible hurt of having one grow near to me only to leave me when he/she finds me hard to be with. I unconsciously play an intimacy game with everyone near me, testing if they were reliable and trustable for me to allow deeper.

Anyways, despite having that one and only one issue with you, which I know you have your reasons for, I never quite realized the person you are to me. It was through the times of reflection that I realized how great a friend you were.

You knew me and understood my inner self. You accepted and allowed me to be who I am, moulding me along to become someone better. You shared psychological and philosophical debates over matters like there was no tomorrow. Your proximity found me at my deep thoughts which no other could reach. You become my best friend in my eyes.

Deep inside, my heart wouldn't dare treat you as one. Not knowing my value in your eyes, I dare not bare everything to you in fear of me being a burden. I was afraid I would be a nuisance to you, just as many out there before. But over the times, our relationship grew closer. And closer.

I never once thought of me being your best friend, perhaps just some friend fun to be with. But ever since yesterday, while a tear rolled down from each eye, I thought back about many things we done together. Now, I say this with much trepidation and anxiety... What if maybe, you saw me as a best friend? or maybe a good friend? I dare not fathom the answer.

But truly, what you've done for me has been one of the greatest thing anyone has done in my life and when I look at the end of 3 years, I hope poly never ends. I don't wanna lose you as a friend. I never had any friend truer than you.

What if that which I've been searching for all along in my heart, was right here before me eyes? It's like a dream come true, or maybe, too good to be true. I'm afraid to believe that you will be a best friend (in mutual context) I dare not even hold imaginations about it.

I dunno, I really dont know, I cannot bring myself to have the slightest imagination that I would be valued by you as a best friend. The irony of having a heart's wish come true, and yet dare not believe it is really is meant to be.

Are we really meant to be friends? Good friends? Best friends? Because if we are, I promise, I'll give my all and everything to you.

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A Penny For My Dimes
Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Feel dam horrible suddenly. Thoughts after thoughts just keep streaming through my mind.

Well, I think I'm still suffering from the severe trauma upon your revelation of something. I know that you have your ability to acquire much information, and is something that I'm always hungry for. But, be it your defenses or your own doing that you might have to hide many things from me. I can try to cope with that, that you're having your own purposes for it. But each time I found out something you have been hiding, it just breaks my trust once again. After a series of events, I dunno how else to trust you anymore. Is it just all a pretense?

I know everyone has their own defenses and mechanisms to protect themselves from the world. I had mine too. You had yours. But I wonder if I believed too much, and that I became a fool.

Time after time, it bugged me whenever I felt that balance of equity was tipped off to one side. I must admit, what you give me may be of different measures, and something I ought to be grateful for, but I just cant help but feel let down every time I see you hide something from me. Perhaps its for my good, perhaps its for someone elses' good.

Someone told me "I was brave to trust and believe, cause it's not something everyone can do." But here I am questioning myself, if it was bravery, or sheer foolishness.

I bared my heart with everything I had, random thoughts, silly dreams, even my deepest darkest secrets I dare not reveal. But I did when you asked. I trusted you, I went against my own heart, my own defenses, my own instincts and continue to share whatever I had with you. I don't understand, was I merely a babbling fool. Perhaps I shudn't have opened everything? A penny for my dimes. Friendship should never be counted in cost, but at times, I just cant help but feel cheated by you.

I'd think, I'll have to trouble you. If you cannot tell me the truth, then you know, I really plead that you play the same lie all the way through. Besides, I'm giving everything I have inside, and there somehow for whichever reasons you're keeping things from me. Protection, confidentiality, lies, facades, whichever. I dunno why you even want me as a friend this way, is it just a game? Every bit of my heart, I bared it all. Yet in return, I was left out of your door. My mistake to trust? Or my foolishness to believe?

This is perhaps the second time I cried for a friend. You're the 2nd one I let deeply in my heart. Maybe it was my mistake, or maybe we really aren't as much close in status as I'd think we are. Maybe I'm just an ordinary friend in your eyes, and I was the clingy one, thinking you had me as someone close all the while. I know that I might not be the best friend to my best friend, and you already have yours, and that's why I don't dare do much to this friendship in the fear of burdening you. I know I'm not a easy person to be close with. And thus I dare not ask you to be my friend. I dare not ask you to have me as a close friend just becos I see you as mine. In short, yes, I do have the fear that I'm not valued the same way I value you.

I dunno why I'm hidden from so many things. I don't have a right to know I guess, but I fail to understand why, why must there be so many things you have to hide from me. You'd want me to share everything I have, why wouldn't you do the same? Even when I'd lose out, I still trusted you as a friend. So why?

This has been the second time in this new place I struggle with an equity balance. People knowing everything about me, and none I know abt them. Would it be my fault because I choose to give everything?

I have my own issues with trust, and it absolutely doesnt come by easier at all, but I gave everything up for you, put aside my protection and believe, maybe I could find a friend in you. Every defense mechanism that protects me from the harm of this world, are a blatant show off to people around whether they understand it. But deep down in me, lies a tender and fragile part I protect from absolutely everyone and anyone. But for you, I've let you in. I don't know if I should trust anymore.

Should I? I'll be fine after tomorrow, til another day comes.


On a fair note. You have been someone great in my life. You were there for me when everyone else shunned me. You understand me, and help me reach my dreams and potential. You accept me for who I am despite me being extremely deviant and blockedheadly insensitive. I'm sure, there are many times you did something for my benefit that I didn't know of. Thank you for everything you've done for me as a friend. I know that I'm not someone easy to be with. I believe you have your own difficulties too. Thank you for everything you've done. =)

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Dear ID,
Monday, June 28, 2010

Why cant you control yourself. Weak. Why cant you just do all that you want to be, for a better change, for a better world. Why must you be ruled by your selfish desires. Especially when you talk so much about living a life for others. Why do you have to be so annoying and irritating. Why do you have to be such an ass...

Why cant you just be someone good? Why do you have to pursue after everything that you want? Don't you realize the ass you're being? Living by selfish gratification.

I sick of you. I'm tired. I hate you. I hate myself. I feel like shit all thanks to you. I need to rediscover that passion of killing you, that I might attain true selflessness, damn you.

I think I need a break. A break from everything, a break from myself. I need to stop letting you manifest in my life. You're getting way out of hand. I need to hide somewhere and find a refuge, one where I can be still. I need to be still.

Nico. You have the potential. You need to make a change. You need to change. You can change. Life is never too late to turn around.

Dear God, please, with all that I'm crying out, save me. Save me from myself.

I need to go some place far far away from everything. I don't want to, but I need to. Anyone willing to bring me there, and maybe stay with me while I'm there? O.o =x =/

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Unspoken Praises
Saturday, June 26, 2010

"I like how strong you are and the fact that you never give up. I like how no matter what anyone says, you stay true to yourself. I like how you just accepted when I told you that you were like my "annoying older brother". I like how I can hold your arm and that we can talk about anything (like my mom). Finally, I REALLY like your dog ♥"

HAHA Thank you so much Hanisah! ^^ Really made my day, especially the first two points xD

I like the new trend in which people are actually giving each other nice letters and compliments. The world ought to be like this more. The unspoken words made known can touch hearts much more than we fear.


Haha and you know, recently through some events of deep conversation in the presence of other people, I'm happy that I've got some people reflecting as well. In the midst of all the deep and chim stuff discussed, people take time to reflect about life and stuff. It's nice seeing it happen. I'd like to lower the norm level of "deep thinking" or "profound thoughts". Thoughts should never have a limit to bind it down.

Oh oh and I'm really happy that one of my previous post "Breaking the rules" on deep thinking was well received ^^ Thank you all who gave me your feedback and to take time out to read. I really hope that you all can too develop your own need for thoughts and reflections to life, and in the course of it, rediscover the fundamentals one what's important in life and what's not, and that through your own search for answers, you'll become a better person =)

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