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The Curse of Her Allure
Friday, April 30, 2010

It's interesting seeing how the various shattered hearts bleed for you. Here's something I wrote quite some time back,
A simple diamond, bearing a curse on it's beholder. Perishing those who lust after its shine, dooming the lives of those who lay hands on it into further atrophy.
Yeaps. That sparkle in you amazingly bedazzles the people around you, I'm not quite sure how the science behind that works but it's a beautiful trait. But disastrous when handled without care.

I've seen many who gave their hearts for you, who experienced a period of euphoria with you, who fell into a abyss of depression and heartache without you. It's shocking. But I won't wanna blame you. Your innocence, how much true I do not know, but I mustn't make any assumptions.

I glad I'm out of that pit, with the help of divine grace. I've learned to look at you not as a diamond, but a rock, a carbon formation, but nothing more other than out of a pure form of genuine love for another being. The unconditional love written in the legends.

I survived, miraculously. And here I stand bruised but alive, guarding my path by the boundaries according to the laws of love, I think of those who perished. Their cries haunt my mind and their anguish burns my heart. But I'm at a loss, how, how do I reach out to them. I could very well leave them to their fate, but would it be fair?

I dream of myself as the hero, draped in a shadowy crimson cloak. I imagine myself as a saviour to the weak, helpless, lost. But it is a figment of imagination my willful mind can fathom. How then should I go about with my life. Walk away from the site or to attempt reaching out to them fallen souls?

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Green Grass and Last

Hey hey, Haha, it's been nice having people around encouraging me. Quite unexpected =P start on with random stuff first.

Omg, gg. The wounds from me ice skating, all the scalp tearing off but not coming off that kind. The edges all come off liao but the middle still stuck =,= zzz. Got sianed of it and decided to tear it out and ooolala, now got 2 holes on my leg. The wound is curve in one. zzz Please do not leave any ugly scar... On both legs some more.

HiClub instructing's gonna start soon. Interesting to see the power game progress. I wan me class to be awesomez stuff. Good that I have some people I know so it wont be too awkward for me myself to be talking to the peeps. Know one camper as well so can bully her hehex >=D 2 from Hi-O and some acquaintances as well. kekeke.

Been mixin around with some new peeps. Labelled as a "crazy stalker" after a prank gone bad. LOLOLOLOL. Not bad sia, first time ppl call me up to tell me i'm a crazy stalker. Was bored and then yz decided to msg her fren with my phone as well as some creepy messages and wheee, she freaked out when this "stranger" knew 101 things and with weird messages as well. HA. Not bad, got to make a new friend thru this as well ^^

Friends. Gonna try learning how to be a friend. Began talking to some friends to try maintain contact. Hard but I'ma try my best ^^

Alrities then, shall get on with my thoughts. The grass is green in my field. The grass seems greener on the other side though.

Ha. Contentment/Sastisfaction/Thanksgiving/Expectations.

Been feeling the grass is ever greener on the other side, a more enthu grp, more bonded gl's, smarter group mates, fun-ner friends, cmon, I could list a whole bunch of stuff to prove the grass is greener on the other side. Buuuut. I also did post a write up on how i should be happy with my own grass. Time to put that into application.

hmm, I'm sure to most of us, the grass always seems greener on the other side. People's situations just seem much better to be in. Why cant we have things that way too? Why can't life be like his/hers. But the problem with greener grass is that there is no 'greenest' grass. Person A covets person B's life. Person B also covets Person A's life. in the end, we're liking someone else's life while someone out there wishes for our life.

The colour green is a spectrum of shades. Every green appears greener than the previous last. I think it applies to life as well. Each of us have our own patch of green grass, with it's own unique shade for our own fulfillment. Many people would willingly give up their own grass to have a taste of others, but they suddenly feel the new grass isn't to their liking and then they move on, and in the continuous search for greener grass, lose everything they have and had.and often when they realized their folly. They're probably wondered off somewhere far away like Greenland, maybe they've got the greenest grass there. lolol stupid lousy pun. ._.

But ya lor, each patch of grass is msot suited for us, and tasteless, bland, bitter, sweet or inedible as it is, it's the perfect formula to our life. One suited to help us grow, and nourish us with certain experiences to help to develop. Develop character, ideals, values and attitudes, things essential to the uniqueness of life. That's why those who patiently slug through their own difficulties with courage end up being the winners.

They say "nice guys finish last." Sure, in the world's context we'll prolly finish last, but I'm sure we've more things to gain then the first. The first loses himself to gain the world, the attention, fame and all that. But the last one comes in with perseverance, and not only gains the development and experiences but I think more importantly so, has his focus on what's right and does not lose himself in the process. Last they may be, but through time's test they will stand.

okayz, I shall end here. Dear me, please be content with the things you have, and use them for the best benefit of both the people around and the saneness of my soul. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm writing with a dead zombiefied brain from fatigue. Whoots. Nite nites peeps.


I hope I'm not the one, yet secretly I wish I am. Damn
Is it possible for someone like me?
Am I even worthy of another's heart? =x

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Short Fuse
Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Hohoho, nice receiving encouragement from the people around =) Thanks and yeaps, I know I know, I'm gonna be a friend in my own special kind of way ^^

And lolz all at you anonymous taggers with your comments =) Always wondering who's ever reading my blog but yea, keep commenting haha, me likes them =D

Anywayz, shall move on to the next learning chapter of my life. Seems recently I have been highly intolerable, I'm easily pissed off by people some how. Or maybe specifically so by certain people. But nooooote. It's not them irritating me, I'm just with short fuses around this people and I have no idea why. I'm guessing it's a restlessness within my soul of the stray away from God but interestingly so why only these few people. In fact, people I was previously nice to.

but yea, I'm taking this as another lesson to learn, one of patience, tolerance and long suffering. I'm a fairly amicable for those who know me and blowing up isn't one of my thing unless you step on certain landmines. Then you can kthxbyenoob already. bwuahaha, but yea, so i seek the understanding of those around me, if I ever blow up on you, or the kind of "RAWR CAN YOU SHUT UP AND GO AWAY" vibe, I hope you can understand it's just some sort of weirdish moment for me, so please don't take it to heart.

To all friends, I'll state my apologies here.

Sorry Huiqi, sorry for being a direct victim of my outbursts. I'll sincerely tell you, it really really really has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry if it made you feel awkward or hurt in any way, please please please understand that it's some life lesson I'm somehow going thru and I still wanna be your friend, but erms, either you try standing alone for some time (it's good for you to learn that too) or you just come find me but dun take all my RAWRish reactions to heart ._.

Sorrrrry mom, for shouting, yelling and giving that unhappy attitude. Thanks for your understanding and constant prayers for me =) I'm sure I'll become a better person through this ^^

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I care, but I don't know how
Sunday, April 25, 2010

This week has been one eventful week. Tuesday til thursday having D4F, leading cell on friday, and being a GL for Hi-Club's orientation.

Found out something new about me with my capacity to tap on a limitless reserve of energy, going to a super high mode, where I will be moving every second or two. Much to the point people would like to know I'm diagnosed with ADHD. hehe But I cant help but agree though. Even when walking, climbing stairs, standing on the spot, I will be either jumping about or doing some exaggerated form of movement. But it's fun though, seems like people are getting laughs outta it :D

~~~~~~~

Sometimes i feel quite tired of making friends. I'm tired of losing them, not only that, but I feel for the loss of a a fren someone has to face when they believe in me, only for me to disappoint them. I know well myself the dynamics of friendship, that it is not of my nature to retain people in my life. I fail to be a friend, or at best, an acquaintance. In an analogy, my nature is one of a cloud. I move on, in and out of other lives, sometimes in control, sometimes to where the wind blows me to. But this is also why I lack any deep connection to another. I cant and don't know how to bond. Perhaps this is a good thing, this way, I won't have to feel the continual loss of bonds, you can't lose what you didn't have.

Besides, my friendships with everyone seems weirdly superficial. I know people face problems. All the time. But I only get wind of problems through having to stalk, eavesdrop or work on my poor inferencing skills. But it seems for me that no one ever reveals anything to me. My friends all appear perfectly fine to me. But what's up with everyone appearing fine? Am I too untrustworthy? Not good enough? Insensitive? Or someone you'll last think about when it comes to sharing things. I really don't know.

I care, I really do. But every time I ask on how's things are going, I get a meaningless "fine" for an answer. Is it just me baring my soul to others without thinking or what, because my replies of "how's life" always comes with a tinge of some good and bad stories with it.

In fact, I'm feeling dam useless as a friend if not for aesthetic purposes. I can't think of things to talk, I'm not one who can make you laugh till your abs hurt, I'm not sensitive, I'm not entertaining, damned I'm not even knowledgeable. How? How am I able to try open windows of others' souls when I don't even get to know where they are.

I envy people who are able to know their friend's well, on be the one whom everyone likes. Not so much so because I enjoy the attention, but cause I wanna be a friend, a friend that does what a friend ought to do. But here I'm enclosed in this invisible social barrier, I assumed built upon my own incapability of handling friendships.

This is where my esteem breaks down. I know I'm good, but not good enough for any use to others. Is this a call to go solo? I'll admit, I'm no good at being a friend. To all my past, current and future friends, I'm sorry.

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Dance4Fun 2
Thursday, April 22, 2010

Woots, tonight was the night. Dancing for HMS, just as I did last year. HAHA, got pulled into the dance cause there was lack of male participants. Went there to support end up kena have to dance, but yups was good. Got a chance to bond with more freshies, have fun and just do more crazy things with them.

Dance4fun practices were good, meeting the same faces and laughing over mistakes and playing during the breaks. Hms jus rawks to the core.

Met up with the D4F peeps after class and haa, everyone's looking pretty darn awesome. Boys in some black shirt with 2 buttons off looking dam sexy and cool, the girls in bright colours and black leggings. since the theme was 80's, the guys styling their hair was epic. And since I'm one of them, whaaat to do. Just heck and go along with the fun then =) And yeesh, my hair looks weird but people around say quite nice and, 3 cheers for Xavier who alternatively found his calling to hair styling. He styled all our hair and mine with like 1 big slab of gel. The guys were looking even more awesome with that =D

Because of the over-plentiful gel used, my hair felt like a metal sponge, you know the ones you used to scrub your dishes? lolz, the hard so hard as though if fold it'll break o.O and yea, everyone enjoyed patting my springy hardy hair...

And yoosh! Got super nervous just before entering the stage. I managed to remember most of the dance steps, all but one HAHA siaanz, I stood there stunned looking around. I'm sure we all had a ball of fun up there though ^^

Dinner together was another epic thing. Xavier our dear hairstylist so happens to thought I kinda look like Adam Lambert with eyeliner since my hair was somewhr there already. And hooray, so happens Jeanne had her makeup pouch with her and sheesh. Without much effort of pinning me down, I turned out looking like this...



Cool huh? Had the peeps laughing their heads of at me, ppl taking photo shoots with me =P and guys being mesmerized. lol, and btw, the pic might not show much but if you were there seeing me in person, woots good luck man, no need to sleep liao. I looked super duper wuper uper gay, in an awesome way, (quotes Xavier Tan) Dunno what look people want, but cannot get kinda of thing. eeyer, who want to look like that sia

Owells, have been pretty busy with D4F practices, glad I can rest now and start focusing on assignments to come O_O









:O


Ze ahbengz




~pose of the day~

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Words of pique
Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I wanna apologize for the previous post's words and tone (now edited). Most of them were out of anger. Yups, please don't take it to heart.

Owells, it's still continues to bug me. As much as my feelings for you are now purely kept as rightful, is there no chance of being frens?

I'm still baffled at how 6 months of good friendship can be torn down in a matter for days. Close friends to less than acquaintances. How can it be? I really wanna understand and know what's up, both from a personal curiosity, and out of an unique friendship I once had. I have a right for accountability, but you have the ultimate right to choose to disclose it.

I really don't want it to be this way for the next 2 years. You're someone significant to me. And I dunno but, if it's gonna be this way, you dao-ing me every time I try, I might one day give up ever bothering to talk to you.

It's just dam weird living this way without knowing what's up. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to clear things up, continue pursuing this friendship, or just move on with life.

You have you responsibilities, I have mine. Let's just do our parts kay?

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Day 1 Year 2
Monday, April 19, 2010

First day of school was awesome. Got our groupings for Stats module done in the first day. We even get to be as social workers, with our own case study to work on, and it slowly develops over the weeks, like a game! =D so cool rite! oh, and I'm in the group as Huiqi for an epicish 5 times already.

anyway, today was filled with lotsa thoughts gonna post 3.


Had a chat with zhi xiong today, about how I've changed, primarily so my big drop in hiclub which he claims is pretty obvious. I'll admit yea, I've noticed that change too, I don't sign as much, and the way I talk about hiclub is quite different too. I now only talk about the people. anyways, I'm over it. Me losing the post, just that I do have my own effects and repercussions. I've lowered my passion because I see no need to maintaining a uber high level of passion into something I cannot (currently) do. Kinda like a waste of emotional energy.

Besides, change is inevitable. We cant expect circumstances to change, but the the world to remain. The world tags along with the repercussions of change just as how the grass bends with the direction of the wind.

Thanks for your concern. It really means a lot to me, that someone actually has an eye on me, taking a note about the difference in me. At least I know I'm not invisible. But I can no longer stand close to the main comm as I did. I absolutely detest being left hanging about and especially so that now the dynamics are forcibly different, that you 10 as a main comm will develop special and unique bonds together as compared to someone that's now out of the social circle. You hate to see a line being drawn, but no matter what you do, there will always be a line. The law of status and social inequality will always be there.

And so I take a step back, to a comfortable proximity, where I'm not to far off, neither ma I too close for comfort. The other subbies too have settle in the new adjustment. It was a blow to us, but we've settled quite well, partly because we're forced to, but you all as main comm, but too let go of us. It's impossible to hold on to everything and even so forever.

You desire us to be together as one, but it is not possible. We are different. You, now muz learn how to let go, just as we have.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Gifts are quite a pain, I never liked them. I'm not the all creative kind, or meaningful, thoughtful or basically one's that's good with gifts. I don't even know how to properly rightfully accept gifts without breaking some rules of respect.

For you, we went out, and search shops and places for something we hope you'll like. We planned as best as we could something that might surprise you and, we did put in effort, or at least she did.

It happened quickly and we were all unprepared. There were some lapses in organizing everything, but it happened. Maybe you were surprised, maybe you were not, or maybe you were in a tired. But when it was just me and her left sitting at the table once crowded by members of a distant good memory quickly dissipated with an evanescent excitement. She was left a bit disappointed I felt, feeling the same way, but I couldn't have added on to that disheartened gentle heart. Do drop a word of thanks to her alrites? I'm sure it'll make her day =)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And finally, you. Yet again, I've been thinking about us. Was reflecting about my first year in poly and all the experiences. You were one of it. "Were". 6 months, I had you all, I had you, 6 months later, not a single one remains. Even unexpectedly so you. I know friends will come and go, but this is most quite unexpected. Because after everything, I now wonder, do we even have a chance to be friends.

There's an ignorance of either's existence even when together. Am I supposed to be befriend you unconditionally, or is this a sign for me to move on with life?

I have this urging feeling to maybe clear things up once and for all. Like find out whatever the shit is up between us that's causing this rift. I'm tired of all this pointless awkwardness between us. And woots, I hope it wont be like the previous time, "something of my imagination" cause I think that's plain lies. Something is up. Personal or interpersonal.

In case you're reading this, if ever comes the time I actually pick up the guts to even talk to you about us, and you're gonna tell me "nothing's wrong", please do come up with some good reasons, and they better be convincing. Because if that's what I'm gonna get, don't blame me if I ain't gonna talk to you, ever. Not even one damned word and I'm dead serious about it.

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Back to School 2.0
Sunday, April 18, 2010

Alrities, tomorrow's gonna be first day of year 2. It's been a year in poly already, and I've get to experience many many awesome things in just a year. No wonder why they say poly's one of the best times of life.

all the camps, re-entering the societal world, making and losing of friends, passion for sign language, increasing activeness in club stuff and other things, exams, creative projects, presentations, being able to be GL, lead a bunch of freshies, watch as they go thru what you did last year.

shucks man. it's been a great year indeed, and I can only hope for a better year ahead. I've grown much. The new insights, the new experiences, the new world I'm placed in. It's lovely. Looking back at the past seeing how much you've changed along the way, for the better of course =)


I'm gonna start school, and I dun really want it to start, not because I dun like school, but because I dun wan it to end. On a sad side, the days are numbered, on a happier side, it's more so we need to live life to the fullest.

To live as though everyday was our last, how ppl would take extra time out for their friends and ppl they love. hehe.

owells, gonna be home-alone with bro for the first week, not too fun way to start school with me having to do all the housework haha. May the future hold something more meaningful than what life already is now =)

I want a shepherd's heart.

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The Distant Past
Saturday, April 17, 2010

It's been a long time since you crossed my mind. Til today. I would say I'm over with the past, but certain comments prompted by a friend just suddenly made me rethink everything once again. 4 times I asked, he told me, all with no reply but just a smile.

Maybe I got used to it over the time, but truthfully, I didn't get a single word in reply. Not even a hi? I hope it was just me missing out your voice.

When I mouth your name, the feeling I get is one of distant memories. Something of the past. You're no longer part of my life, now. But I guess that's just the way it is. The way we make friends, the way we handle our friendships, and the way we maintain them.

But as for me, I'm ready to let it go. Or I already did. I don't see a point investing more time into it, a friendship I dun see any future in. Friendship should be something two way. I dunno, 1 year in, and I still find you the very same mysterious person. There isn't even a sense of familiarity.

Those were good and memorable times. But a friendship built upon joy and merry only cannot and will not last when the breeze comes. Neither do I enjoy building my castles only to watch them fall.

But this isn't your fault. I for one, am bad and doing all these friends thing. I'm not as funny, witty, or am able to come out with stuff to talk about. My outlooks in life, values, and principles, doubt they are interesting topics yea? Maybe I'm made to be a loner. A soloist. Sometimes, I can't trust in friends anymore. I too, am destined to walk down a very different path either way. Having friends is just a privilege to me.

Like chocolate filled donuts.

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Nico on Ice
Friday, April 16, 2010

Hehz, went ice skating for the first time in my life. Was supposed to be a Davy Jones outing but in the end they invited random HiClubbers along =D Had a good lunch together before the girls came. Talking about camp and all the other crazy stuff that happened.

And ice skating was... zzz... but cool still. No one told me to bring long socks so I had my giant ice skates with ankle socks. Niiice. Pain like shit man, but just tahan the pain hahaha, so fun. In the end I got 3 blisters, one on each ankle, another fat bubbly one on my toe. and 2 fat abrasions, I dun think I'll be wearing shoes for some time...

But yeaps, was pretty hard to grasp the techniques, some V shape movement but I'm still doing it wrongly. I CAN MOVE THOUGH =D and hecks, i keep almost falling nonstop. Oh and best, I have problems skating with 2 feets side by side each other, like gliding without moving the feet, but but but I can do it with one feet behind the other LOL.



Then comes dinner. Another epic moment. After having to dash thru 100 metres under the heavy rain because kallang bus interchange doesnt have any clue the purpose of shelters at bus stops, we decided to crash JustAcia to eat. And woots, with the free flow ice cream and drinks as well.

And theeeen, we started the "aunty" episodes on all the cheap deals and ways to be economical. I mean heh, I didn't know that was so hilarious. hahaha we had a good time camwhoring, laughing, videoing [me...], planning Aunty Pillai episodes... wut sia

owellsss pics time =D









Guess how many fallen soulz are there. 2? haha count the number of legs xD




Scandalous worx


5 scoops of ice cream for me






Peeesaaai~




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