I walked home alone, tears in my eyes, but coupled with a smile.
I'm immensely grateful, and gratified for even a chance to live out the scenes of my daydreams; the ones of my everyday secrets. The painful feelings, that touch of humanity in me, it hurts more that it's real now, but I'm more than content that I actually got to experience it, feel it, live it.
Brings me back a decade, the elation, jumping and kicking from the excitement. I had friends for company, and everyone was contributing a part. I didn't need to be on the lookout for giving. Being able to relax, enjoy the moment as natural as I could. The interactions, the play, the exchanged smiles. The comfort I found in your presence. A happy kid, as easily amused as a game of tag at the neighbourhood playground.
Morning came and I expected the end. Until I casually asked if I could have you both over. You agreed. I was deliriously happy inside, as though it was my first time having friends over. Together on the couch, and I couldn't imagine how blessed I was, having two whom I could hold as friends, sitting snugly together. The tussles we had, resisting and stubbornly not giving despite being overpowered completely. Falling asleep together from fatigue. The htht we had, taking turns to cry.
And when time drew to a close, I couldn't bear to let go. All I wished if I could, was to return back to where we started, living the dream endlessly, even if it was only for a day. Everything felt so unreal, having both of you, together in embrace. When it was time to part, my heart bitterly fought against falling out of reality. My heart broke, as I watched the two of you slowly departed, like the ascension of angels.
I walked home alone, tears in my eyes, but coupled with a smile. It was time to wake up.
But I know in my heart, when I close my eyes and start to dream, there, I will find you waiting, and so shall we meet again.
Studied overnight at airport with hq and zx hahax, enjoyed the time. Spent almost 3/4 of a full day straight in the cushy seats of macs o.O read 4 chaps though. =)
Came back and got knocked out, woke later at 9pm to the sounds of the gates which I thought was my mom going out to work in the morning. Super disorientated and like my thursday just disappeared.
Anyway, some thoughts on my mind for quite some time...
I think I'm too prideful for myself. Judgmental as well. Hais, I pride myself greatly too much in my own knowledge that I become way too subjective, in my words, actions, and attitude. I wanna wish but wishing is useless, need to keep myself in check.
Though sometimes I think it the repercussions of such crappy attitude and way of handling things that causes my standing towards people, I'm just not worth it I guess. But owells, used to it, it's only just a dream. Til then, I'll keep on this fantasy.
I finally found you back. After all this while, when this problem arised, I felt I lost that part of you in my heart.
Finally, we've cleared out everything, finding the relationship between us, now strengthened by experiences and knowledge.
This year, you wanted to cherish me, all with good intents, gave me your all, finding someone strong enough to do it; the selfless side of you. You left me, and replaced yourself with someone else, your compassionate masked hero. Maybe that's when I started feeling distanced. I didn't need all the added concern, it made me feel like I lost touch of you. I couldn't feel you anymore. Me being the typical lousy friend, slowly lost consciousness of you, and no longer feeling you, wandered off, lost and alone.
Right now, I'm so grateful that my heart is restored with everything I had for you. I missed you so terribly bad.
Zhixiong, I don't need you to be some strong person for me. I just need you to be who you are, weak, flaws, passion, dreams, fears, anything and everything you have not allowed yourself to be since who knows when. Zhixiong, this friendship is to be a home for us, where we return to reside, where we relax and chill out together. We look out for each other, maybe have a little tussle every now and then to spice things up. Zhi Xiong, you're my family, and all I ever need from you, is you truly.
For now, that I've finally experienced and understood the feelings of home, I don't want it just to be begin me and you. I want it to be for everyone else as well. People, with genuine relationships, bonded together. We may not be our best, we at the very least, we are who we are. And how I wish, that I will be able to share these bonds with everyone, together, in a love community.
Once again those issues resurface. I shalln't emo about it, but it's still the same matters from every friendship. I find that while people are my friends, I'm dont find myself being their friend.
I don't think I'm the friend material. It's always aout me forming relationships, only for it to break down sometime after. And if I were to put in effort it'll only amount to an occasional on/off moments where I appear in and out of the friendship.
One thing about me is that I lack the initiative to pursue people. Really. Unless I actually think of you and some objective that has to be met, I find no purpose in chasing. I'm not saying this to absolve me of my failure to pursue people. Just that I find it very tedious to "catch up" with people when I find no need to.
Looking back into my past, I never was pursued by anyone. I know the only pursuit I had was for my best friend, whom didnt really did the same for me. As I grow up, I got used to that isolated state, feeling ok with it. I'm not sure, but I do believe this causes me to have little or no value in terms of pursuing people. I'm fine alone (not that it's that good for me).
Sucks though, for those who are my friends whom are left with someone who only appears when he finds a need to, and then disappears afterward. Someone inconsistently unpredictable when the next chance the friendship will be active again.
Hais. I find myself being more comfortable as a good person rather than a good friend. A friend bears the responsibility for the other friend. Whereas, me being a good person, merely have a duty of just helping ppl and then moving on. Owells. Both good and bad. if I keep helping lotsa people and everyone wants become friends then I think I'm sure to be overwhelmed.
Nonetheless, I guess there's more to life than being a good person. Shall work on being a friend now. but, I'd like to remove my label as a friend. I find that I don't really deserve it. But I will work for it, whatever little I have, God will make it great.
But I had to do what's right, for you, even if it means losing you as a friend. I did it against your wishes, broke confidentiality, and am deciding to present you before your parents.
I'm sorry.
But I love you too much to watch on and let your life go to destruction. To chose between your present unhappiness versus a lifetime of guilt, regret and who knows what else, I'll have to choose the former.
I cannot let you err in your ways any more. You have gone pass the danger zone way too far out. You're standing by the edge looking ahead, mesmerized by the illusion of selfish pleasures, blinded of the deathly fall front a step. You're no longer even able to help yourself. There was a first time and with it, a second chance, but not this time, because there is absolutely no room for a third mistake.
Doing all these to protect your life, even though you probably wont enjoy it, I have the faith you will become better out of it. I know and believe you will. And that true freedom wouldn't be anything compared to that which you desire to possess now.
It isn't easy for me. It's going to cost me as well.
People may judge me, curse me, spit on my feet, and walk away. I'll most likely be labeled as a bad guy for this, hated for all this. Maybe no one will trust me again, or be friends for that matter. I could easily lose everything I hold dear to me. It'll suck, but at least I know that I've saved yours. I might even lose the trust of another person close to my heart... I think I will.
But screw all of that. Even if I've to lose everything in my world, I'll do it for you. I love you, and you're my friend. This might be the last thing I'll ever have with you as a friend but owells. Love costs, and it's worth every drop of my blood to keep yours.
I'm sorry once again my friend, but love overcomes all. God be with you.
Psalms 23:3 He restores [your] soul. He guides [you] in the path of righteousness, for His name sake.
Sometimes, in hate lies a degree of love. This "hate" refers to the people you have in your heart. Friends, Family, People.
When we love someone, we give them our love. Something like giving them part of our hearts. And that's something you cant take back. It's not that you lose part of your heart so you should limit the giving, but that perhaps in an analogy written their names on places of your heart.
You can't take back that which was given out, you cant take back love, you only stop giving. So whatever it is, you will always have a portion of love that they own of you. It's just how small it is, or how much it is compared to other mitigating factors, say, hurts, disappointments Neither can you hate the people you once loved, family, close friends, and anyone you placed close to your heart, (including ex-s).
You loved them and always will, somewhere deep inside.
Maybe "hate" no longer is the word. It's anger. Anger for all the pains and hurts felt because you loved them. These hurts slowly build up to overshadow that love, defense mechanism kick in to cope with the pain, closing up to the agonizing feelings of that "unrequited" love.
But in the end, as much as we say we really hate someone, I believe we still have a albeit tiny spark left. If that person we hate, parent, sibling, friend, ex, were to disappear of this earth, if you would have for one second that little tingle in you, then I'll be touched to tell you, you, deep down in your heart, still love that person.
And I have faith, that love never fails, no matter how small it is.
You will feel the weight Of the world Raining down on your shoulders You wanna run To the shadows you know I'm gonna bring You the light At the end of the tunnel If you only let me If you could only let me
We've disagreed On the terms And the road that we're taking That doesn't mean That we can't work it through I know we can I know we can I'm on your side So understand
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And, yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be (I will always be) Fighting for you
Oooooooooh
Talk to me now Open up We can pick up the pieces I'm not about To let you fall through I know too well How you are Why you think what you're thinking I'm not gonna fade No, I'm not going away
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And, yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be Fighting for you
With everything I have Fighting for you And I'm not holding back Everything is on the line And I'm willing to try
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see (Can't you see) That no matter what (No matter what) I'm gonna be (I'm gonna be) Fighting for you
I'm gonna be Fighting for you
I'll always be Fighting for you
Credit to yvette for intro-ing the song.
These words cant mean any truer than they already are to me, for you. After all that we've been through, I ain't ever letting you go.
It's been one of the best and heartfelt experience I ever had in life, having you. Every moment, that connection, that love.
You've done for me a lot in ways you'll never see nor understand. Without you, I'll never imagine what it would ever be like, to have someone to share my heart to, to share my life with. Without you, I'll never have life this way.
But I was foolish, and I took you for granted. I never really looked out for you, the same you would for me. You came into my world; I hardly stepped into yours. You felt my pain and sorrows, you shared my joy and bliss, but, how much have I ever understood yours. My life was filled with so much selfishness, I could only think for myself.
Through this, I've come to see how much I've neglected you. You were my friend, but I wasn't one to you. How I've took everything of you for granted. You goodness, your heart, your pains. You were always there when I needed you, and perhaps that became the biggest reason why I only did.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I feel unworthy of you, ruining the heart of a fine young man. Feel like nothing I've ever done was ever for you. I'm hiding behind the remorse while presenting a smile to you. I owe you, I really do.
When you return it, it hurt my heart. I know you valued me more than it. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to accept it, I didn't wanted it to mean the end of things. At the same time, it was, the only thing I put my heart and soul into, and that I gave you. Giving it back was like telling me to take back my heart.
How could I, still desire to be selfish. I still wanted you, but I wasn't sure I could pay off for what I claimed. It wouldn't be fair for you, it never was. I almost lost one, I wasn't prepared to lose another. You had the right.
This will be our first ordeal, something I need to bear. Not as a burden, a difficulty perhaps, a need for me to become stronger. Love bears no burden nor cost, for all is counted worth, because love is far greater than the pain or anguish I may bear to find you again. The days may be tougher without you, but I'll pull through.
I wear this now, as a symbol of our friendship, the mark of a lost friend. It will remind me, a day never without you. I hope one day I can rightfully return this, when I no longer need it. It'll one day be yours, again.
I think I might forget this day. But at least I don't think I will ever forget you.
Thanks for the courage.
It was the second time, but, when I turned, I saw those arms, spreading out, and around me. Time suddenly slowed down. That scene has been burned into my mind. Like dreams unfolding into reality.
It felt unreal, that warmth. of another's body. of another's love.
The feelings quickly fade, as back when it was only a daydream. A daydream, it may have been. Sometimes it seems so real it hurts, because I dont wanna let go
Thank you.
I have never, gotten a hug, with love before, by her. I'm grateful.
After some recent events, I realized when it comes to friendship, I'm all back at one.
I haven't really know how to connect still. Friendship. Not sure who are my friends now, or whether I do have any.
I think, when people normally make friendship, through personal communication and interaction, their worlds merges. Bit by bit, two worlds come together as one. How closely merge depends on how much both are willing to let each side come in.
"Personal touch"
I've never really felt it. What it is like, neither do I think I actually possess it. I actually make friends without bringing myself into it, certain things of me is in there, but somehow never my spirit. In a sense, I think I would put it as people may be friends with me, but they don't feel me.
"Worlds"
I use to love drawing diagrams for my blog when I was younger, help me speak out what's in my head. So yea, here's a little diagram about my picture of "worlds".
The top two circle represents an individuals world. The left bottom represents what I think of proper friendship is. And the last... is my way of making friendship.
I've never really entered in someone's world. I don't dare. I haven't tried for a long time, but the fear still lingers. Rejection has been a major part of my life growing up, any little bit of it, even a joke, could unleash all the pain again. I remember how a single comment of being called "irritating" got me emoing the rest of the day.
I no longer dare knock on the doors of others. I know. I always get this fearful feeling whenever building up that friendship. Questions race through my mind if I should do this, or that, or none at all. I fear, being pushed away by others. I can't handle any interaction naturally. Either consciously or at the back of my mind I'll be considering every step, guided by logic and fear. I don't want to be rejected by others.
Each time, I'm pushed away, or that I have a door closed upon, I question my worth. Guess I'm not worth it, sometimes maybe a real privacy is needed, and other times, I guess, it's just me being nothing to them. and it sucks.
And hence, I grown to protect myself from that pain. It's a balance between a withdrawal and an outward giving. I think I've done well. Remember the 4th circle? the one with red and blue. It represents my way of building friendships. It's quite effective actually, just not good at it. I don't dare knock on the door of another, or even step into their world. I don't want to be pushed out, to find myself having no place there. Hence, I create a parallel world to theirs, building it up with my own cognition I have acquired along my journey. It's mostly red to begin with, built by the things I know, or understand as fundamentals, along with some subjective perceptions, things like love, value, belonging, defense mechanism, and maybe sorts that I have deemed universal. And then slowly, whenever possible, I replace what I know with what I have found out from them; the blue parts.
This is why I tend to appear, and be judgmental. Much of my mental framework of someone is mostly built by me, and where there may be the correct parts, many times things are subjective and out of my own pride, enforced as correct. Got to learn really, to put down my pride. Really.
I don't know. I guess most people would shoot me for my pride, or judgmental self, which I'm rightfully accused for, something I cannot deny. Though, I sometimes wish, people could enter my world, and understand mine. But hey, really, why would anyone? I'm not even in theirs, why should I expect anybody to fight to come into mine.
But then again, at the end of the day, I get the best of both worlds, to protect myself, and to give, but similarly, I get both the worse. To feel alone, and that I will fail in giving my all. I'm deciding, why not, try again. It's been so long right. Maybe the world has changed, after all, the people around me are different already right.
I dunno, I think I'm going to try opening my heart once more. Step out of my world. Opening up, I'm expecting more hurts might come, but I guess I'll give it another chance, try knocking on every door, if not, it always be as I was used to, alone. It's already hurting the first few days, but well, I'll need to learn to cope with the pain right. Heh, I hope things wont hurt too badly. It's comforting actually, when I get to feel that personal side of me. gonna be another learning journey I guess.
I dont want to just be a good person, I want to be a good friend too.
----============*~*~*~*============----
And, I think, I'm quite a nice person actually. I really have that good side of me. But lol, I dont think many people know that. =P Have it hidden somehow, it only surfaces when someone needs it a lot. I just put aside everything that I am and be there for them, my raw self.
but yea, I fear that personal touch and thus, I somehow have been portraying a bad guy image. A offensive persona that pushes people away. Like by my words, act aloof, the way i be mean to others. Heh, all just a way of getting people away from me.
Sometimes, we reject ourselves first before anyone would have a chance to. Its safer knowing that we're the one, not them causing the pain.
and that's how it is for me. I'd rather play like a bad guy and feel that my rejection is justified rather than be that nice side and be pushed away. I guess I'm too selfish to open myself fully to give.
But heh, lol. It's all just for show only. There's a soft spot/backdoors to assessing me but haha, guess the defenses are working to keep people away. Well, then again, only those who genuinely want to befriend me who fight through those walls right?
The recent occasions have reminded me how much I felt uncomfortable as being seen as a good person. I cant contain the idea of seeing them think im nice, giving them chocs or writing notes. Hahax. Owells. It's funny like how I've been treating her meanly, yet behind her, I've been looking out for her. But owells. hahax. Sometimes I prefer it that way. Be a masked hero :D On the surface be a bad fella, and behind the scenes do good stuff hehex. Need to train my ninjaing skills. >=]
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
I walked home alone, tears in my eyes, but coupled with a smile.
I'm immensely grateful, and gratified for even a chance to live out the scenes of my daydreams; the ones of my everyday secrets. The painful feelings, that touch of humanity in me, it hurts more that it's real now, but I'm more than content that I actually got to experience it, feel it, live it.
Brings me back a decade, the elation, jumping and kicking from the excitement. I had friends for company, and everyone was contributing a part. I didn't need to be on the lookout for giving. Being able to relax, enjoy the moment as natural as I could. The interactions, the play, the exchanged smiles. The comfort I found in your presence. A happy kid, as easily amused as a game of tag at the neighbourhood playground.
Morning came and I expected the end. Until I casually asked if I could have you both over. You agreed. I was deliriously happy inside, as though it was my first time having friends over. Together on the couch, and I couldn't imagine how blessed I was, having two whom I could hold as friends, sitting snugly together. The tussles we had, resisting and stubbornly not giving despite being overpowered completely. Falling asleep together from fatigue. The htht we had, taking turns to cry.
And when time drew to a close, I couldn't bear to let go. All I wished if I could, was to return back to where we started, living the dream endlessly, even if it was only for a day. Everything felt so unreal, having both of you, together in embrace. When it was time to part, my heart bitterly fought against falling out of reality. My heart broke, as I watched the two of you slowly departed, like the ascension of angels.
I walked home alone, tears in my eyes, but coupled with a smile. It was time to wake up.
But I know in my heart, when I close my eyes and start to dream, there, I will find you waiting, and so shall we meet again.
Studied overnight at airport with hq and zx hahax, enjoyed the time. Spent almost 3/4 of a full day straight in the cushy seats of macs o.O read 4 chaps though. =)
Came back and got knocked out, woke later at 9pm to the sounds of the gates which I thought was my mom going out to work in the morning. Super disorientated and like my thursday just disappeared.
Anyway, some thoughts on my mind for quite some time...
I think I'm too prideful for myself. Judgmental as well. Hais, I pride myself greatly too much in my own knowledge that I become way too subjective, in my words, actions, and attitude. I wanna wish but wishing is useless, need to keep myself in check.
Though sometimes I think it the repercussions of such crappy attitude and way of handling things that causes my standing towards people, I'm just not worth it I guess. But owells, used to it, it's only just a dream. Til then, I'll keep on this fantasy.
I finally found you back. After all this while, when this problem arised, I felt I lost that part of you in my heart.
Finally, we've cleared out everything, finding the relationship between us, now strengthened by experiences and knowledge.
This year, you wanted to cherish me, all with good intents, gave me your all, finding someone strong enough to do it; the selfless side of you. You left me, and replaced yourself with someone else, your compassionate masked hero. Maybe that's when I started feeling distanced. I didn't need all the added concern, it made me feel like I lost touch of you. I couldn't feel you anymore. Me being the typical lousy friend, slowly lost consciousness of you, and no longer feeling you, wandered off, lost and alone.
Right now, I'm so grateful that my heart is restored with everything I had for you. I missed you so terribly bad.
Zhixiong, I don't need you to be some strong person for me. I just need you to be who you are, weak, flaws, passion, dreams, fears, anything and everything you have not allowed yourself to be since who knows when. Zhixiong, this friendship is to be a home for us, where we return to reside, where we relax and chill out together. We look out for each other, maybe have a little tussle every now and then to spice things up. Zhi Xiong, you're my family, and all I ever need from you, is you truly.
For now, that I've finally experienced and understood the feelings of home, I don't want it just to be begin me and you. I want it to be for everyone else as well. People, with genuine relationships, bonded together. We may not be our best, we at the very least, we are who we are. And how I wish, that I will be able to share these bonds with everyone, together, in a love community.
Once again those issues resurface. I shalln't emo about it, but it's still the same matters from every friendship. I find that while people are my friends, I'm dont find myself being their friend.
I don't think I'm the friend material. It's always aout me forming relationships, only for it to break down sometime after. And if I were to put in effort it'll only amount to an occasional on/off moments where I appear in and out of the friendship.
One thing about me is that I lack the initiative to pursue people. Really. Unless I actually think of you and some objective that has to be met, I find no purpose in chasing. I'm not saying this to absolve me of my failure to pursue people. Just that I find it very tedious to "catch up" with people when I find no need to.
Looking back into my past, I never was pursued by anyone. I know the only pursuit I had was for my best friend, whom didnt really did the same for me. As I grow up, I got used to that isolated state, feeling ok with it. I'm not sure, but I do believe this causes me to have little or no value in terms of pursuing people. I'm fine alone (not that it's that good for me).
Sucks though, for those who are my friends whom are left with someone who only appears when he finds a need to, and then disappears afterward. Someone inconsistently unpredictable when the next chance the friendship will be active again.
Hais. I find myself being more comfortable as a good person rather than a good friend. A friend bears the responsibility for the other friend. Whereas, me being a good person, merely have a duty of just helping ppl and then moving on. Owells. Both good and bad. if I keep helping lotsa people and everyone wants become friends then I think I'm sure to be overwhelmed.
Nonetheless, I guess there's more to life than being a good person. Shall work on being a friend now. but, I'd like to remove my label as a friend. I find that I don't really deserve it. But I will work for it, whatever little I have, God will make it great.
But I had to do what's right, for you, even if it means losing you as a friend. I did it against your wishes, broke confidentiality, and am deciding to present you before your parents.
I'm sorry.
But I love you too much to watch on and let your life go to destruction. To chose between your present unhappiness versus a lifetime of guilt, regret and who knows what else, I'll have to choose the former.
I cannot let you err in your ways any more. You have gone pass the danger zone way too far out. You're standing by the edge looking ahead, mesmerized by the illusion of selfish pleasures, blinded of the deathly fall front a step. You're no longer even able to help yourself. There was a first time and with it, a second chance, but not this time, because there is absolutely no room for a third mistake.
Doing all these to protect your life, even though you probably wont enjoy it, I have the faith you will become better out of it. I know and believe you will. And that true freedom wouldn't be anything compared to that which you desire to possess now.
It isn't easy for me. It's going to cost me as well.
People may judge me, curse me, spit on my feet, and walk away. I'll most likely be labeled as a bad guy for this, hated for all this. Maybe no one will trust me again, or be friends for that matter. I could easily lose everything I hold dear to me. It'll suck, but at least I know that I've saved yours. I might even lose the trust of another person close to my heart... I think I will.
But screw all of that. Even if I've to lose everything in my world, I'll do it for you. I love you, and you're my friend. This might be the last thing I'll ever have with you as a friend but owells. Love costs, and it's worth every drop of my blood to keep yours.
I'm sorry once again my friend, but love overcomes all. God be with you.
Psalms 23:3 He restores [your] soul. He guides [you] in the path of righteousness, for His name sake.
Sometimes, in hate lies a degree of love. This "hate" refers to the people you have in your heart. Friends, Family, People.
When we love someone, we give them our love. Something like giving them part of our hearts. And that's something you cant take back. It's not that you lose part of your heart so you should limit the giving, but that perhaps in an analogy written their names on places of your heart.
You can't take back that which was given out, you cant take back love, you only stop giving. So whatever it is, you will always have a portion of love that they own of you. It's just how small it is, or how much it is compared to other mitigating factors, say, hurts, disappointments Neither can you hate the people you once loved, family, close friends, and anyone you placed close to your heart, (including ex-s).
You loved them and always will, somewhere deep inside.
Maybe "hate" no longer is the word. It's anger. Anger for all the pains and hurts felt because you loved them. These hurts slowly build up to overshadow that love, defense mechanism kick in to cope with the pain, closing up to the agonizing feelings of that "unrequited" love.
But in the end, as much as we say we really hate someone, I believe we still have a albeit tiny spark left. If that person we hate, parent, sibling, friend, ex, were to disappear of this earth, if you would have for one second that little tingle in you, then I'll be touched to tell you, you, deep down in your heart, still love that person.
And I have faith, that love never fails, no matter how small it is.
You will feel the weight Of the world Raining down on your shoulders You wanna run To the shadows you know I'm gonna bring You the light At the end of the tunnel If you only let me If you could only let me
We've disagreed On the terms And the road that we're taking That doesn't mean That we can't work it through I know we can I know we can I'm on your side So understand
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And, yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be (I will always be) Fighting for you
Oooooooooh
Talk to me now Open up We can pick up the pieces I'm not about To let you fall through I know too well How you are Why you think what you're thinking I'm not gonna fade No, I'm not going away
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And, yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be Fighting for you
With everything I have Fighting for you And I'm not holding back Everything is on the line And I'm willing to try
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see That no matter what I'm gonna be
You might be right The walls are high The sky is higher And yes, I know The pain is strong But love is stronger Can't you see (Can't you see) That no matter what (No matter what) I'm gonna be (I'm gonna be) Fighting for you
I'm gonna be Fighting for you
I'll always be Fighting for you
Credit to yvette for intro-ing the song.
These words cant mean any truer than they already are to me, for you. After all that we've been through, I ain't ever letting you go.
It's been one of the best and heartfelt experience I ever had in life, having you. Every moment, that connection, that love.
You've done for me a lot in ways you'll never see nor understand. Without you, I'll never imagine what it would ever be like, to have someone to share my heart to, to share my life with. Without you, I'll never have life this way.
But I was foolish, and I took you for granted. I never really looked out for you, the same you would for me. You came into my world; I hardly stepped into yours. You felt my pain and sorrows, you shared my joy and bliss, but, how much have I ever understood yours. My life was filled with so much selfishness, I could only think for myself.
Through this, I've come to see how much I've neglected you. You were my friend, but I wasn't one to you. How I've took everything of you for granted. You goodness, your heart, your pains. You were always there when I needed you, and perhaps that became the biggest reason why I only did.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I feel unworthy of you, ruining the heart of a fine young man. Feel like nothing I've ever done was ever for you. I'm hiding behind the remorse while presenting a smile to you. I owe you, I really do.
When you return it, it hurt my heart. I know you valued me more than it. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to accept it, I didn't wanted it to mean the end of things. At the same time, it was, the only thing I put my heart and soul into, and that I gave you. Giving it back was like telling me to take back my heart.
How could I, still desire to be selfish. I still wanted you, but I wasn't sure I could pay off for what I claimed. It wouldn't be fair for you, it never was. I almost lost one, I wasn't prepared to lose another. You had the right.
This will be our first ordeal, something I need to bear. Not as a burden, a difficulty perhaps, a need for me to become stronger. Love bears no burden nor cost, for all is counted worth, because love is far greater than the pain or anguish I may bear to find you again. The days may be tougher without you, but I'll pull through.
I wear this now, as a symbol of our friendship, the mark of a lost friend. It will remind me, a day never without you. I hope one day I can rightfully return this, when I no longer need it. It'll one day be yours, again.
I think I might forget this day. But at least I don't think I will ever forget you.
Thanks for the courage.
It was the second time, but, when I turned, I saw those arms, spreading out, and around me. Time suddenly slowed down. That scene has been burned into my mind. Like dreams unfolding into reality.
It felt unreal, that warmth. of another's body. of another's love.
The feelings quickly fade, as back when it was only a daydream. A daydream, it may have been. Sometimes it seems so real it hurts, because I dont wanna let go
Thank you.
I have never, gotten a hug, with love before, by her. I'm grateful.
After some recent events, I realized when it comes to friendship, I'm all back at one.
I haven't really know how to connect still. Friendship. Not sure who are my friends now, or whether I do have any.
I think, when people normally make friendship, through personal communication and interaction, their worlds merges. Bit by bit, two worlds come together as one. How closely merge depends on how much both are willing to let each side come in.
"Personal touch"
I've never really felt it. What it is like, neither do I think I actually possess it. I actually make friends without bringing myself into it, certain things of me is in there, but somehow never my spirit. In a sense, I think I would put it as people may be friends with me, but they don't feel me.
"Worlds"
I use to love drawing diagrams for my blog when I was younger, help me speak out what's in my head. So yea, here's a little diagram about my picture of "worlds".
The top two circle represents an individuals world. The left bottom represents what I think of proper friendship is. And the last... is my way of making friendship.
I've never really entered in someone's world. I don't dare. I haven't tried for a long time, but the fear still lingers. Rejection has been a major part of my life growing up, any little bit of it, even a joke, could unleash all the pain again. I remember how a single comment of being called "irritating" got me emoing the rest of the day.
I no longer dare knock on the doors of others. I know. I always get this fearful feeling whenever building up that friendship. Questions race through my mind if I should do this, or that, or none at all. I fear, being pushed away by others. I can't handle any interaction naturally. Either consciously or at the back of my mind I'll be considering every step, guided by logic and fear. I don't want to be rejected by others.
Each time, I'm pushed away, or that I have a door closed upon, I question my worth. Guess I'm not worth it, sometimes maybe a real privacy is needed, and other times, I guess, it's just me being nothing to them. and it sucks.
And hence, I grown to protect myself from that pain. It's a balance between a withdrawal and an outward giving. I think I've done well. Remember the 4th circle? the one with red and blue. It represents my way of building friendships. It's quite effective actually, just not good at it. I don't dare knock on the door of another, or even step into their world. I don't want to be pushed out, to find myself having no place there. Hence, I create a parallel world to theirs, building it up with my own cognition I have acquired along my journey. It's mostly red to begin with, built by the things I know, or understand as fundamentals, along with some subjective perceptions, things like love, value, belonging, defense mechanism, and maybe sorts that I have deemed universal. And then slowly, whenever possible, I replace what I know with what I have found out from them; the blue parts.
This is why I tend to appear, and be judgmental. Much of my mental framework of someone is mostly built by me, and where there may be the correct parts, many times things are subjective and out of my own pride, enforced as correct. Got to learn really, to put down my pride. Really.
I don't know. I guess most people would shoot me for my pride, or judgmental self, which I'm rightfully accused for, something I cannot deny. Though, I sometimes wish, people could enter my world, and understand mine. But hey, really, why would anyone? I'm not even in theirs, why should I expect anybody to fight to come into mine.
But then again, at the end of the day, I get the best of both worlds, to protect myself, and to give, but similarly, I get both the worse. To feel alone, and that I will fail in giving my all. I'm deciding, why not, try again. It's been so long right. Maybe the world has changed, after all, the people around me are different already right.
I dunno, I think I'm going to try opening my heart once more. Step out of my world. Opening up, I'm expecting more hurts might come, but I guess I'll give it another chance, try knocking on every door, if not, it always be as I was used to, alone. It's already hurting the first few days, but well, I'll need to learn to cope with the pain right. Heh, I hope things wont hurt too badly. It's comforting actually, when I get to feel that personal side of me. gonna be another learning journey I guess.
I dont want to just be a good person, I want to be a good friend too.
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And, I think, I'm quite a nice person actually. I really have that good side of me. But lol, I dont think many people know that. =P Have it hidden somehow, it only surfaces when someone needs it a lot. I just put aside everything that I am and be there for them, my raw self.
but yea, I fear that personal touch and thus, I somehow have been portraying a bad guy image. A offensive persona that pushes people away. Like by my words, act aloof, the way i be mean to others. Heh, all just a way of getting people away from me.
Sometimes, we reject ourselves first before anyone would have a chance to. Its safer knowing that we're the one, not them causing the pain.
and that's how it is for me. I'd rather play like a bad guy and feel that my rejection is justified rather than be that nice side and be pushed away. I guess I'm too selfish to open myself fully to give.
But heh, lol. It's all just for show only. There's a soft spot/backdoors to assessing me but haha, guess the defenses are working to keep people away. Well, then again, only those who genuinely want to befriend me who fight through those walls right?
The recent occasions have reminded me how much I felt uncomfortable as being seen as a good person. I cant contain the idea of seeing them think im nice, giving them chocs or writing notes. Hahax. Owells. It's funny like how I've been treating her meanly, yet behind her, I've been looking out for her. But owells. hahax. Sometimes I prefer it that way. Be a masked hero :D On the surface be a bad fella, and behind the scenes do good stuff hehex. Need to train my ninjaing skills. >=]
Darren Nico Pillai