#2013taughtme that my year sucked only because I allowed it to...
Been reflecting through the festive season as the year draws to an end. Looking back, I've got to admit, 2013 sucked.
I've let too many things bogged me down. Guilt, obligations, perfectionism, self-pity, and trying to make everyone happy. I've changed, and I wouldn't say for the better. I've become more mellowed, morose, anti-social and antagonistic. Every other day ends with a habitual sigh. I no longer can find the light in me.
Sadly, my arduous relationship with her played a part as well. It's been almost 2 years since the break up, and yet here we are still, hurting each other with our selfish needs. And I've been way too sentimental to enforce the stop as I rightfully should, and thus prolonging this unnecessary, if not destructive bitter mess.
I think I have an obsessive compulsion to make things right, for things to be perfect. I foolishly play the hero trying to mend every hurt and sadness, fix every wrong around me when ultimately, it's all been a displacement of rejection towards my own imperfect inner self. I couldn't accept that I am the one that needs fixing.
I sign off every email with the inspired quote, "Imperfect is perfect because perfect is imperfect", with the reminder that perfection is flawed expectation on ourselves. Perhaps so, it's time I lay down that facade of false security I build around my life, time I allowed myself to be that true wretched form.
Well, I've made a resolve for the new year, things I want to change for the better. To care less for unimportant things, and to care more for what's important. To do what's right even if it means getting hated by others. To stop living in fear of others perception of me. To chase dreams instead of leaving them be. To make a few new friends.
Ah well, ambitions are lofty decisions until acted upon. Let's see as the 2014 comes, and hope for the better, that I'll stand on my feet once again.
"You don't simply let go by opening your hands. It is done when you open your heart."
Chanced upon an old note in my facebook archives that was written for fun. It's purpose was to note down the first thing that came to mind based on the topic raised. It's nostalgic to see the perspectives I had 3 years back.
On a side note, I thought it'd be interesting to write down this note again to see how thing's have changed since then.
1. I realized that He: loves me no matter who I am, what I've done, where I've been
2. I realized that I speak: nonsense most of the time
3. I realized that I love: spending time with friends dear to me
4. I realized that I have: many wonderful ambitions and dreams that I should really get started on.
5. I realized that I lost: something inside me when I chose to go down the wrong way
6. I realized that I hate: myself whenever I do something I know I shouldn't have.
7. I realized that marriage: is a big commitment to someone you choose to love
8. I realized that somewhere: there's an opportunity for me to do something that will make significant impact to my life.
9. I realized that I will always be: that mixed personality of crazy, funny, retarded, simple, complicated, kind because it brings out the best in me.
10. I realized that I like: to be talk less and appreciate the things that goes on around me nowadays.
11. I realized that the last time I cried was: when I felt like you left me.
12. I realized that my phone is: now with data plan...
13. I realized that when I wake in the morning: I keep wishing for 5 mins more.
14. I realized that before I went to bed last night: I told myself I should have slept earlier.
15. I realized that I'm thinking of: many things constantly, things I find hard to express to people around me.
16. I realized that babies: are delicate and precious souls
17. I realized that the internet: is the best and worst invention 18. I realized that today: may just be another day gone by that I'm stuck in this mindless void 19. I realized that tonight I'm going to: wish I had sleep earlier 20. I realized that tomorrow I will: travel across half the island having to squeeze in an awfully packed and crowded train. 21. I realized that I say: many things that seems nonsensical and humourous that hides deeper meanings and thoughts
22. I realized that my favorite thing at the moment: is sleeping
23. I realized that the best time of day: is when there's no work to do
24. I realized that the school: made me grow so much 25. I realized that in ten years: I'm likely to be in a professional career, perhaps married and with kids... 26. I realized that the world: can be a better place if we made it to be
27. I realized that I cannot force: people to change
28. I realized that true friends: are precious people that are hard to come by
29. I realized that I need: to wake myself up and get out of the mess I'm in
30. I realized that I: can do great things if I wanted to
It isn't as bright and light-hearted as 3 years back. Guess entering adulthood has its own worries troubles and responsibilities.
Turned on my laptop and being greeted by my desktop. Nothing has changed since a year. Makes me wonder if my life is the same.
Though my circumstances around me have changed quite a fair bit, what about the inner self? Has it grown, have I matured, or does that same empty void of a hidden child lingers?
The place I call home are but few and far, and often I don't know where else to go. Sometimes wish I could escape into another world.
The Comissioned Officers!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Commissioned Officers! =D
Happy for you Zhi Xiong. I'm pretty sure you'll make a difference to all those entrusted under you.
You know, I kinda miss my brother. It seems so ironic however, given living under the same room, that we haven't a single word to each other for more than year now. Really, not even a passing gestures. And when we pass by, we're beyond strangers, not even managing the slightest glance of curiosity.
Well, I miss the times we spoke actually. I miss the stupid thing we would say to one another. The fantasies we'd create by our bedsides, fabricating the wildest of dreams from games, anime and life itself. I miss the taunts I'd give him, sparking in him the will to surpass me, and seeing as he surpassed me by sheer determination.
But it all ended that fateful night. Where an over-spirited noble demand cross swords with unguided rage fueled by an unjust past. The ultimatum laid clear, and neither compromised our stand.
I sometimes comfort myself thinking it'd be for the better. After all, I wasn't worthy of that position. Now, I dare not make amends, least I disappoint any last bit of expectations. At some point in time, apologies mean nothing when accompanied by repeated failures.
I wonder what he'd think of me now. Likely not in a good light. Right now, the best I can do is to give him space, stay away without causing anymore negative influence. I only hope he'd understand that I'm sorry for the past, and that right now, I truly am undeserving of any title.
Still, it's rewarding seeing him grow from strength to strength. From the rascal he used to be, into the maturing young man, accomplished and successful. May God bless him double fold for everything and be the light unto his path, to be what I've failed to do; a brother.
are often the people you least expect to be friends with.
I'm come to learn that every time I try to form a picture of what an ideal friendship would be like, I become even more distant from the reality of even making true friendships. On the contrary, it's in the moments when neither of us cared about anything, and simply let things be as they are; without fear, expectations, reservation and restraint. Then do two or more individuals open the door to vulnerability and genuineness, allow a connection to form as the persons they are.
Love that quenches
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Love is like water. Drinking it our whole life, we become so familiar with its taste that it becomes tasteless to us. And when we get thirsty, we rather get flavoured drinks. But what our bodies really need is plain water.
It's very much the same with love. We grow up, receiving love from family and friends around us, but with time, that love slowly loses in value in our eyes. Sometimes, we become apathetic towards it and move on to seek other kinds of love to fill up that thirst in our heart. Impetuous romances, fleeting friendships, many of which that never truly satisfies. But when everything is stripped away, all we truly need is that simple, imperfect yet pure love from the people around us.
For once in months I've felt this surge of life back in me.
Was appointed PT IC for my wing, and seems that having the charge of others vested upon me again, somewhat gave me a purpose and direction to do something right for them. Stayed up three nights consecutively, trying to work out a perfect plan to the benefit of all. And they told me previous IC's didnt take that much pride in their work. Ha. =P
But everything aside, I'm grateful for this inject. It's great feeling this spark of life, to smile with the twitches at the corners, to greet others without shifting my eyes away. And well for now, I do miss some friends, and making a quick effort to take a wave at them.
Can't tell if it'd be evanescent, but I cherish whatever time I'll have at this. Hopefully it'd be the breaking point out of this valley.
For anyone that wonders what has happened to me, it's been a down and out season for me ever since I could last remember.
I know I haven't been talking to anyone at all. Somehow there this urge in me to avoid everyone, hiding into this reclusive isolation. Wonder if it's me falling back into the mire of self pity or the reemergence of my past struggles.
I wish they'd know and understand, but it'd always end up with an erased message, and a reminder to myself its better off not being a burden to them. I'd explain myself but after repetitively hurting others, it becomes meaningless and pointless.
I wonder if I've done enough. Tried, given and sacrificed enough. Enough to make up for their worth in my life, enough to repay what they've done for me. I know I feel something for each and everyone that played a part in my life, yet I can't find the heart within myself to truly cherish and make them feel valued. Worse still, at this juncture of my life, I'm indifferent to the loss of people in my life, to the degree of even my family.
People reading this might ask, what exactly is it that I want. I ask myself that too, but I dun really know. Maybe to understand love, to feel that sense of excitement and anticipation while waiting to see a loved one. Maybe for someone to pull me out of this emotional abyss.
It's hard though, living with constant struggle between repression and facing my anxieties. I deeply desire companionship, yet fear the possibility of upsetting others, leading to their disapproval or even departure.
Maybe all I need is for someone to grab hold of me and slap reality back into me. Or maybe there's already ppl there, only that I'm blinded by the idealistic expectations I impose on myself and unknowingly those around too.
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
#2013taughtme that my year sucked only because I allowed it to...
Been reflecting through the festive season as the year draws to an end. Looking back, I've got to admit, 2013 sucked.
I've let too many things bogged me down. Guilt, obligations, perfectionism, self-pity, and trying to make everyone happy. I've changed, and I wouldn't say for the better. I've become more mellowed, morose, anti-social and antagonistic. Every other day ends with a habitual sigh. I no longer can find the light in me.
Sadly, my arduous relationship with her played a part as well. It's been almost 2 years since the break up, and yet here we are still, hurting each other with our selfish needs. And I've been way too sentimental to enforce the stop as I rightfully should, and thus prolonging this unnecessary, if not destructive bitter mess.
I think I have an obsessive compulsion to make things right, for things to be perfect. I foolishly play the hero trying to mend every hurt and sadness, fix every wrong around me when ultimately, it's all been a displacement of rejection towards my own imperfect inner self. I couldn't accept that I am the one that needs fixing.
I sign off every email with the inspired quote, "Imperfect is perfect because perfect is imperfect", with the reminder that perfection is flawed expectation on ourselves. Perhaps so, it's time I lay down that facade of false security I build around my life, time I allowed myself to be that true wretched form.
Well, I've made a resolve for the new year, things I want to change for the better. To care less for unimportant things, and to care more for what's important. To do what's right even if it means getting hated by others. To stop living in fear of others perception of me. To chase dreams instead of leaving them be. To make a few new friends.
Ah well, ambitions are lofty decisions until acted upon. Let's see as the 2014 comes, and hope for the better, that I'll stand on my feet once again.
"You don't simply let go by opening your hands. It is done when you open your heart."
Chanced upon an old note in my facebook archives that was written for fun. It's purpose was to note down the first thing that came to mind based on the topic raised. It's nostalgic to see the perspectives I had 3 years back.
On a side note, I thought it'd be interesting to write down this note again to see how thing's have changed since then.
1. I realized that He: loves me no matter who I am, what I've done, where I've been
2. I realized that I speak: nonsense most of the time
3. I realized that I love: spending time with friends dear to me
4. I realized that I have: many wonderful ambitions and dreams that I should really get started on.
5. I realized that I lost: something inside me when I chose to go down the wrong way
6. I realized that I hate: myself whenever I do something I know I shouldn't have.
7. I realized that marriage: is a big commitment to someone you choose to love
8. I realized that somewhere: there's an opportunity for me to do something that will make significant impact to my life.
9. I realized that I will always be: that mixed personality of crazy, funny, retarded, simple, complicated, kind because it brings out the best in me.
10. I realized that I like: to be talk less and appreciate the things that goes on around me nowadays.
11. I realized that the last time I cried was: when I felt like you left me.
12. I realized that my phone is: now with data plan...
13. I realized that when I wake in the morning: I keep wishing for 5 mins more.
14. I realized that before I went to bed last night: I told myself I should have slept earlier.
15. I realized that I'm thinking of: many things constantly, things I find hard to express to people around me.
16. I realized that babies: are delicate and precious souls
17. I realized that the internet: is the best and worst invention 18. I realized that today: may just be another day gone by that I'm stuck in this mindless void 19. I realized that tonight I'm going to: wish I had sleep earlier 20. I realized that tomorrow I will: travel across half the island having to squeeze in an awfully packed and crowded train. 21. I realized that I say: many things that seems nonsensical and humourous that hides deeper meanings and thoughts
22. I realized that my favorite thing at the moment: is sleeping
23. I realized that the best time of day: is when there's no work to do
24. I realized that the school: made me grow so much 25. I realized that in ten years: I'm likely to be in a professional career, perhaps married and with kids... 26. I realized that the world: can be a better place if we made it to be
27. I realized that I cannot force: people to change
28. I realized that true friends: are precious people that are hard to come by
29. I realized that I need: to wake myself up and get out of the mess I'm in
30. I realized that I: can do great things if I wanted to
It isn't as bright and light-hearted as 3 years back. Guess entering adulthood has its own worries troubles and responsibilities.
Turned on my laptop and being greeted by my desktop. Nothing has changed since a year. Makes me wonder if my life is the same.
Though my circumstances around me have changed quite a fair bit, what about the inner self? Has it grown, have I matured, or does that same empty void of a hidden child lingers?
The place I call home are but few and far, and often I don't know where else to go. Sometimes wish I could escape into another world.
The Comissioned Officers!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Commissioned Officers! =D
Happy for you Zhi Xiong. I'm pretty sure you'll make a difference to all those entrusted under you.
You know, I kinda miss my brother. It seems so ironic however, given living under the same room, that we haven't a single word to each other for more than year now. Really, not even a passing gestures. And when we pass by, we're beyond strangers, not even managing the slightest glance of curiosity.
Well, I miss the times we spoke actually. I miss the stupid thing we would say to one another. The fantasies we'd create by our bedsides, fabricating the wildest of dreams from games, anime and life itself. I miss the taunts I'd give him, sparking in him the will to surpass me, and seeing as he surpassed me by sheer determination.
But it all ended that fateful night. Where an over-spirited noble demand cross swords with unguided rage fueled by an unjust past. The ultimatum laid clear, and neither compromised our stand.
I sometimes comfort myself thinking it'd be for the better. After all, I wasn't worthy of that position. Now, I dare not make amends, least I disappoint any last bit of expectations. At some point in time, apologies mean nothing when accompanied by repeated failures.
I wonder what he'd think of me now. Likely not in a good light. Right now, the best I can do is to give him space, stay away without causing anymore negative influence. I only hope he'd understand that I'm sorry for the past, and that right now, I truly am undeserving of any title.
Still, it's rewarding seeing him grow from strength to strength. From the rascal he used to be, into the maturing young man, accomplished and successful. May God bless him double fold for everything and be the light unto his path, to be what I've failed to do; a brother.
are often the people you least expect to be friends with.
I'm come to learn that every time I try to form a picture of what an ideal friendship would be like, I become even more distant from the reality of even making true friendships. On the contrary, it's in the moments when neither of us cared about anything, and simply let things be as they are; without fear, expectations, reservation and restraint. Then do two or more individuals open the door to vulnerability and genuineness, allow a connection to form as the persons they are.
Love that quenches
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Love is like water. Drinking it our whole life, we become so familiar with its taste that it becomes tasteless to us. And when we get thirsty, we rather get flavoured drinks. But what our bodies really need is plain water.
It's very much the same with love. We grow up, receiving love from family and friends around us, but with time, that love slowly loses in value in our eyes. Sometimes, we become apathetic towards it and move on to seek other kinds of love to fill up that thirst in our heart. Impetuous romances, fleeting friendships, many of which that never truly satisfies. But when everything is stripped away, all we truly need is that simple, imperfect yet pure love from the people around us.
For once in months I've felt this surge of life back in me.
Was appointed PT IC for my wing, and seems that having the charge of others vested upon me again, somewhat gave me a purpose and direction to do something right for them. Stayed up three nights consecutively, trying to work out a perfect plan to the benefit of all. And they told me previous IC's didnt take that much pride in their work. Ha. =P
But everything aside, I'm grateful for this inject. It's great feeling this spark of life, to smile with the twitches at the corners, to greet others without shifting my eyes away. And well for now, I do miss some friends, and making a quick effort to take a wave at them.
Can't tell if it'd be evanescent, but I cherish whatever time I'll have at this. Hopefully it'd be the breaking point out of this valley.
For anyone that wonders what has happened to me, it's been a down and out season for me ever since I could last remember.
I know I haven't been talking to anyone at all. Somehow there this urge in me to avoid everyone, hiding into this reclusive isolation. Wonder if it's me falling back into the mire of self pity or the reemergence of my past struggles.
I wish they'd know and understand, but it'd always end up with an erased message, and a reminder to myself its better off not being a burden to them. I'd explain myself but after repetitively hurting others, it becomes meaningless and pointless.
I wonder if I've done enough. Tried, given and sacrificed enough. Enough to make up for their worth in my life, enough to repay what they've done for me. I know I feel something for each and everyone that played a part in my life, yet I can't find the heart within myself to truly cherish and make them feel valued. Worse still, at this juncture of my life, I'm indifferent to the loss of people in my life, to the degree of even my family.
People reading this might ask, what exactly is it that I want. I ask myself that too, but I dun really know. Maybe to understand love, to feel that sense of excitement and anticipation while waiting to see a loved one. Maybe for someone to pull me out of this emotional abyss.
It's hard though, living with constant struggle between repression and facing my anxieties. I deeply desire companionship, yet fear the possibility of upsetting others, leading to their disapproval or even departure.
Maybe all I need is for someone to grab hold of me and slap reality back into me. Or maybe there's already ppl there, only that I'm blinded by the idealistic expectations I impose on myself and unknowingly those around too.
Darren Nico Pillai