I've come to face it, I'm ashamed of confessing my faith to God in front of others. I tell myself, the reason why I divide my thoughts between humanistic and theological is so that when I talk to people who don't believe in God, I won't be imposing my injecting the "god" stuff.
But today, in front of God, I'm ashamed at myself for being ashamed of being known with Him. It's like how Peter denied Christ 3 times, I told God, that "I am afraid of judgment from others, being ostracized as a 'holy guy'."
And amazingly I got a reply.
"I want you to be that 'holy guy'. You will be mocked and you will laughed at. But one thing for sure, you will be known, and that's when you become the light."
And that I choose to be.
32 Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. 33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.
Was thinking of what kind of person I am. I tend not to look at positive things I have done, if any (get what I mean?) So I thought why not give myself a chance.
Recently spent $80 with my free vouchers. Got treats for my family, a tub of ice cream and can of clams each, instant mee for my bro, and chocs for friends. It's was on my way home that I realized out of that much spent, I only used $6 for myself, (one tin of delicious clams, which I so quickly devoured).
So what kind of person am I? Was I selfless when I got everyone stuff and not for myself?
Been meeting up with various people too, people whom have made a significant part of my life. I don't think about others all the time, but yet I'd want to meet them at least once before I enter army. I know it's not like my life ends there, but a part of me fears that in this new season of my life, I won't be walking down the same path with some people.
Does this show I cherish and value them? That I do in some little way, love these friends around me?
I think others might laugh at me if I told them I didn't think I was someone good. Each time someone tells me something good about me, I make great efforts to contain myself. Inside, I'm all bubbling and crazily happy, wishing to hear it over and over again, but that would be plain silly wouldn't it? xD I know I'll constantly remind myself not to keep asking/talking about it. Haha.
Oh wells, I know I have a negative view of my self. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be bias towards myself and learn to see the good that I really am. But I dunno, maybe it keeps me more humble this way.
.Make an epic nutella banana sandwich (3th July) .Cook a proper meal for myself (5th July)
So here's two items on my list. One to make a epic sandwich, the other to cook my own meal. The purpose behind these two were to push myself to actually make food for myself when I'm hungry. Yes, I'm so lazy I'd rather starve then get myself food.
And yea, me being super unhealthy, spam both nutella and oil for both WAHAHAHA
The cooking part was more inspired after a camp where we had to did outdoor cooking for every meal, realize, cooking wasn't that all too hard actually. So yup, bought myself tons are deep-fryable food and viola! Another important thing I learn, control the fire, and open the dam windows when cooking. I swear the whole kitchen was shrouded in oily mist. *facepalm*
My first self-cooked meal (even though its not so splendid :P)
I'm happy :)
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways submit to him, and He will make your paths straight.
A verse from a friend which was so needed in this time of confusion.
Woke up at 6pm. Crazy but I guess that was a good thing. Every minute awake, my mind was overly-saturated with thoughts, worries, mistakes, hurts, and everything stupid. Even had a migraine just by that.
I don't know what to do or think now. One half of me feels sorry, the other smirks with glee. It's this war waging everyday inside me, battling for reins over my life. Every action I take has a consequences I rather not face.
I keep trying to avoid the reality of the situation, to avoid recognizing the gravity of my misgivings. Yet even when I know full well, I'm too afraid to hurt, to afraid to do what's needed. Somehow, I wish when my eyes close everything will be alright.
"How could you play with love."
God please help me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want anyone to hurt anymore.
Today, I decided to do my quiet time. Sadly, not because I wanted to but because I had to. Buuuuut, I just couldn't find my Bible. And like a bullet straight through my heart, I suddenly asked my self, where have I placed God in my life. My missing bible analogously reflected my spiritual state too. I couldn't find my bible, nor could I find God. Not that he isn't/wasn't there, but I had thrown him behind, laid under a pile of junk, obscured from sight.
Somehow I felt like it was needed of me to tell him that. Not sure if it made a difference to him, but things like these should never be kept hidden.
"I forgive you for hurting me that night. For when I gave you the closest thing to my heart and in my vulnerability, you responded by tossing it aside followed with the cutting words "Get over it". "
I knew in the heat of the moment you didn't mean many things you said, but it still cut me deeply. Heh, it took me awhile to get pass the anger and hatred. But I thank God for his grace in softening my heart to release the hurts and misjudgment.
While listening to covers of old songs, a wave of nostalgia hit me and suddenly I remembered the journal. When back to re-read to see what I was like back then. Could help but chuckle at myself. I really loved how I expressed my feelings and thoughts there. Simple, straightforward and kinda silly.
It's cute really, reading the entries, marking down the little things that made me smile, laugh, like being all excited/nervous when you talked to me. How I waited each night to talk to you, ready to put a smile on your face with the jokes I thought through the day. I must have worked really hard then, learning and trying all kinds of ways to strike up and maintain a conversation. Boy was I poor at social skills. And yes, my secret; exposed on numerous occasions yet I never having confront it myself. Felt contented with you around. And then came depression and separation, where my heart hurt a lil, of which I came out stronger, learning to let go of my affections and loving wholly.
It was beautiful, it was sweet, and I'm happy for such a memory.
Looking back, I've begin to see the locks I have placed on my heart along the way. No wonder it feels heavier. Hiding behind these glass walls, I've never truly allowed someone in my life for a long time. I really need to learn to open myself up to people around me, embrace life.
Here's a song to finish up that special feeling of nostalgia.
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them... the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone pray for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings? Or does He give them opportunities to love each other?"
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
I've come to face it, I'm ashamed of confessing my faith to God in front of others. I tell myself, the reason why I divide my thoughts between humanistic and theological is so that when I talk to people who don't believe in God, I won't be imposing my injecting the "god" stuff.
But today, in front of God, I'm ashamed at myself for being ashamed of being known with Him. It's like how Peter denied Christ 3 times, I told God, that "I am afraid of judgment from others, being ostracized as a 'holy guy'."
And amazingly I got a reply.
"I want you to be that 'holy guy'. You will be mocked and you will laughed at. But one thing for sure, you will be known, and that's when you become the light."
And that I choose to be.
32 Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. 33 But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.
Was thinking of what kind of person I am. I tend not to look at positive things I have done, if any (get what I mean?) So I thought why not give myself a chance.
Recently spent $80 with my free vouchers. Got treats for my family, a tub of ice cream and can of clams each, instant mee for my bro, and chocs for friends. It's was on my way home that I realized out of that much spent, I only used $6 for myself, (one tin of delicious clams, which I so quickly devoured).
So what kind of person am I? Was I selfless when I got everyone stuff and not for myself?
Been meeting up with various people too, people whom have made a significant part of my life. I don't think about others all the time, but yet I'd want to meet them at least once before I enter army. I know it's not like my life ends there, but a part of me fears that in this new season of my life, I won't be walking down the same path with some people.
Does this show I cherish and value them? That I do in some little way, love these friends around me?
I think others might laugh at me if I told them I didn't think I was someone good. Each time someone tells me something good about me, I make great efforts to contain myself. Inside, I'm all bubbling and crazily happy, wishing to hear it over and over again, but that would be plain silly wouldn't it? xD I know I'll constantly remind myself not to keep asking/talking about it. Haha.
Oh wells, I know I have a negative view of my self. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't be bias towards myself and learn to see the good that I really am. But I dunno, maybe it keeps me more humble this way.
.Make an epic nutella banana sandwich (3th July) .Cook a proper meal for myself (5th July)
So here's two items on my list. One to make a epic sandwich, the other to cook my own meal. The purpose behind these two were to push myself to actually make food for myself when I'm hungry. Yes, I'm so lazy I'd rather starve then get myself food.
And yea, me being super unhealthy, spam both nutella and oil for both WAHAHAHA
The cooking part was more inspired after a camp where we had to did outdoor cooking for every meal, realize, cooking wasn't that all too hard actually. So yup, bought myself tons are deep-fryable food and viola! Another important thing I learn, control the fire, and open the dam windows when cooking. I swear the whole kitchen was shrouded in oily mist. *facepalm*
My first self-cooked meal (even though its not so splendid :P)
I'm happy :)
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways submit to him, and He will make your paths straight.
A verse from a friend which was so needed in this time of confusion.
Woke up at 6pm. Crazy but I guess that was a good thing. Every minute awake, my mind was overly-saturated with thoughts, worries, mistakes, hurts, and everything stupid. Even had a migraine just by that.
I don't know what to do or think now. One half of me feels sorry, the other smirks with glee. It's this war waging everyday inside me, battling for reins over my life. Every action I take has a consequences I rather not face.
I keep trying to avoid the reality of the situation, to avoid recognizing the gravity of my misgivings. Yet even when I know full well, I'm too afraid to hurt, to afraid to do what's needed. Somehow, I wish when my eyes close everything will be alright.
"How could you play with love."
God please help me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want anyone to hurt anymore.
Today, I decided to do my quiet time. Sadly, not because I wanted to but because I had to. Buuuuut, I just couldn't find my Bible. And like a bullet straight through my heart, I suddenly asked my self, where have I placed God in my life. My missing bible analogously reflected my spiritual state too. I couldn't find my bible, nor could I find God. Not that he isn't/wasn't there, but I had thrown him behind, laid under a pile of junk, obscured from sight.
Somehow I felt like it was needed of me to tell him that. Not sure if it made a difference to him, but things like these should never be kept hidden.
"I forgive you for hurting me that night. For when I gave you the closest thing to my heart and in my vulnerability, you responded by tossing it aside followed with the cutting words "Get over it". "
I knew in the heat of the moment you didn't mean many things you said, but it still cut me deeply. Heh, it took me awhile to get pass the anger and hatred. But I thank God for his grace in softening my heart to release the hurts and misjudgment.
While listening to covers of old songs, a wave of nostalgia hit me and suddenly I remembered the journal. When back to re-read to see what I was like back then. Could help but chuckle at myself. I really loved how I expressed my feelings and thoughts there. Simple, straightforward and kinda silly.
It's cute really, reading the entries, marking down the little things that made me smile, laugh, like being all excited/nervous when you talked to me. How I waited each night to talk to you, ready to put a smile on your face with the jokes I thought through the day. I must have worked really hard then, learning and trying all kinds of ways to strike up and maintain a conversation. Boy was I poor at social skills. And yes, my secret; exposed on numerous occasions yet I never having confront it myself. Felt contented with you around. And then came depression and separation, where my heart hurt a lil, of which I came out stronger, learning to let go of my affections and loving wholly.
It was beautiful, it was sweet, and I'm happy for such a memory.
Looking back, I've begin to see the locks I have placed on my heart along the way. No wonder it feels heavier. Hiding behind these glass walls, I've never truly allowed someone in my life for a long time. I really need to learn to open myself up to people around me, embrace life.
Here's a song to finish up that special feeling of nostalgia.
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does He give them... the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does He give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone pray for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings? Or does He give them opportunities to love each other?"
Darren Nico Pillai