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Made in HiClub
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The curtains closed, the music stops, the lights turn on.Another sem of hiclub is over. It's another sem, with a new set of cherished memories.Class 2A, Hear me out, experiences with the main comm, pushing song signing.Class 2a first, really enjoyed my time teaching them, especially the later few weeks when I really let loose myself into my naturally lame self. HAHA. Kinda glad that the student got entertained and class was more fun for them, and at least they were more responsive to my previous class, they laugh together at my lameness.The final time togther during the closing ceremony was my most memorable, never been so close to my class before, finally felt together with them. Though little in number but ti really warmed my heart to see them talking. Would love to teach them again. I'm looking forward to teaching intermediate next sem hahax.Closing comm wise, I was part of entertainment team. Things were kinda late but I think we pulled off, a, seriously, imba, nice show. Together with the help of Jesca, Kenji, Glenda, Tim, & Joyo. Had a lot of fun =P and I think we did really great. Loved the roar of applause throughout the performance and the final ovation.As for performances, heh, guess I've deproved... screwed up both my performances, its embarassing, but I also felt my standard dropped. Got sihui as my partner though :D Song choice was nice.that would be to the closing ceremony per se but I guess my takeback would be the graduation of the seniors. Next it'll be our turn. I wonder what 3rd year is like. We wont have any seniors, we will be them. Not sure, but I dont really dare look into my residing fade off from hiclub, but well, will see as we go. Hi Club has been such a big part of my life, it feels weird thinking of letting go. Made some new friends as well, touched some, impacted few, learn from their perspectives, taught many.I guess to me, hiclub was more than just a cca, it was my passion, my life, my family, my heart, my people, my home. Hope, the 3rd year wouldn't be a painful one.
I love hi club, really =)
Labels: hi club, memories
Valentines 2010
Monday, February 14, 2011
heh, it's the first I celebrated.thought of giving out chocs and notes to others, but I didnt really have to guts to. Only did for a few people. had 7/16 chocs left, which I ate on my own.kinda half sad half funny thought, people would think aww so sweet, he's eating valentine's choc. but then I'm kinda just eating leftover chocs whichever mine, to begin with ._.Heh, maybe, it's my first too. For the spirit of it. Been looking towards today since last month. But yea, glad I guess. Today just added two "first"s to you. and for a side note, it may offend some people but here's a random thought..."what's with all the talk abt ok being single on valentine. Come on, if it really was ok, it wouldnt matter which day it is. Quit whining, really."Labels: memories, qq
Receiving
Sunday, February 13, 2011
hm. talked a bit about receiving to zx. and the call from hq.I'm not sure actually. I think for quite a long time, I haven't receive much, aside from zx. In fact, I think I'm giving more than receiving. but as I reconsider, not possible for me to give out more than I receive. You cant go deficit in goodwill. Had a source I never knew was there. I guess God kept me going, during the times I looked upon Him, and eve the times I forgot.Though I'm still greedy, I long to receive from humans, in the ways I need. It's been so long, I realized I dare not open my heart. You know those weird feelings when you wished for something so hard, but when it's there you run away from it. I haven't really opened my heart I guess. Whether or not those are really out there.Randomly thought about me giving someone, would they ever know. And then reflected on whether I did feel that way too:I wonder how many times we have been loved by the people around us unknowingly, and life was made better, because they were there. And all the while, here we were crying out for a love we never realized existed just outside our doors.
-- Nico But heh. You. To be honest, I've long gave up expecting anything in return from you. I could only wish, but that's as far as it gets. You gave, and I was quite awkward. But it meant a lot to me. I really, dont know if that day comes, neither do I know how to react to it. Maybe it'll be a dream come true, but I think it would be something I dare not touch.Truly, I look towards a day, where I can be a recipient of a unconditional dedicated love which would stay through all time, residing even among my understanding, my needs, but it's only a fantasy to me. It's something simple, but I guess I'm not worth anything of it. Just hope to gleam off any extras that may cross my path =) Though each tiny brush off sparks out the whole desire again.Maybe that's why I like the loft. Secret desires. Twice, both ceremonies event gave me comfort by two peeps. Guess they never knew how much that meant to me. But yea, just that simple small gesture, warms my heart to the very depths. I'd wish it'll last forever, but I'm grateful for the memories.Well, once again I'm sure the longing is rekindled, but I guess I'll learn to open my heart to all the sources as well. I cant just sit around a cry for a ideal love. As much as being loved is a human need as hunger, we cant sit around waiting to satisfy craving and that only, pushing away all other food. of course one goes hungry. Love itself, should not be expected in any form, but freely received too I guess? Gotta open my eyes and heart to learn to receive.Hahax, nonetheless, I'll be moving on. going about doing something. i've slack for quite sometime. I need to pull up my socks once again. Start giving :DLabels: God, love, thoughts
Friendless
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Suddenly I think through my daily life and stumble upon a thought I havent realized for quite some time.Friends. I don't really have any... Few maybe. To clear tings first, this wouldn't discount people treating me as friends, but me treating them as friends also.I find myself mostly doing everything alone, even when I'm with people. I rarely have a good conversation with anybody. Is it common? Maybe it is for introverts, but heh, I dont want it that way, I'd to have meaningful conversations with people.
Friends, temporal? It's seems tangible, close to touch, yet I cant grasp it. Did I lose something along the way? Am I being too selfish? Fears? Incompetency?
I think I'm doing it way too technically. I cant really remember being relaxed when making friends. I dont think I know how to in the first place. Baaah. I should stop being so technical and just open up, to receive. At most just go thru the hurts again.
Maybe I'll have to learn again this semester then. It's been so long, but heh.
Labels: frenz, thoughts
Exhaustion
Friday, February 11, 2011
Going down very soon. All I need to recharge me a little is just a bit of genuine interaction between people, seeing life inspires me on somehow but yea, CNY, assignments, duties, I looked forward for loft-stay to be a heartwarming experience but heh.Being putting so much, I'm starting to feel the drain, and my sensors indicating my need for input. Yet, I dont see any source anywhere. Once again, feeling things are being unfair. Me having to keep giving out, yet having no input.Responsibilities and commitment. There's so much things I need to do. Blargh. And feeling lonelier than ever, yet covered by the will to do good for them, I've forgotten about myself. And when I do, I find myself alone, and fighting it out. Thing are tough, everyone has their own personal battles to fight in equal proportions of difficulty.
Seems no one's there for me. Everyone's got their life. One's busy with added responsibilities, one's outta contact, the last one is busier than ever, no time and space for me. And then I remembered another person who said would be there. I had the chance, I just didn't have the guts to say. And to the others, I'm probably invisible. Everyone has their own lives. The loneliness is chilling. I wonder if it's linked to my lower cold tolerance lolol. But, hais. Not that I do it very well or often, but I do try my best. Just kinda hurts, that at the end of the day, when I'm in need, no one's there. Maybe it's just bad timing, everyone's tired as well. Don't need things to be fair to do what's right. Things never will be fair. But at least within my power and abilities, that I can make things slightly fairer for another person.Owells. Lonely day today. Everyone's busy. My phone's dead. No one's around.I'll just keep giving then, even if it means taking my life. Hopefully, something might come back return...Labels: thoughts
Red or Blue Pill
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Hmm seems long since I wrote about something philosophically thought-ish that doesn't involve my life. During one of those low moments, had a friend walked past me. I didn't put on a sad face or anything, maybe a straight one. I even said hi, with a slight smile I guess? I normally avoided people. lol I really will turn around and walk another way if I saw someone I knew but didnt want to say hi to xD Minutes later she sent a text asking if I was fine. Was kinda freaky how she kinda picked me out with a few seconds. I remember another time, where someone said I didn't sound too good. Makes me wonder, either I'm showing it all, or im just wayy too readable. Or both. Kinda brings me back to those moments when I was into the whole facade concept. I think it's great. When someone asks me how I am, my mind pauses. I could either say what's going on in my life, or reply with the typical "I'm fine". Now, as much as I don't like it, I'll just say whatever that's happening. In a quick summary, or sometimes too long cause I'm that talkative sort. =PEven though it brings about so much more vulnerability and weaknesses to light, the authenticity feels good. Even if people don't like me because I seem like a whiny little emo kid, I'd rather be disliked for what I am, then be liked for who I'm not. Nobody likes being vulnerable I guess. But it's through that vulnerability that builds true relationships. You know those times when you see someone, so broken, so weak, when you let your own guard down, to be one with that person? Maybe people think that by showing all this, it's a sign of weakness. Hey, I agree. Who isn't. But it takes strength to bear the pain, and sometimes possibly shame, of showing those vulnerabilities. Cause I think, somewhere in us, we're all broken, in one way or another. And we all relate to that feelings of brokenness. Nobody likes it. It's just that the world demands a happy face, that everything needs to be okay. An intolerance to brokenness. And I believe it's bad enough that we're hurting, it doesn't add anything to tell us to shut up and be happy about it. I see facades as a protection to these hurts. It's natural to protect ourselves. Every living thing has that inbuilt instinct. But sometimes, we carry these mask for too long, we end up living alter-egos. It works as an alternative to pain, but avoiding it wont do any good for us. We may fool others, we may fool ourselves, but we can never fool pain. Once everyone is gone, the silence settles in, there, the pain stalks us from the shadows, returning to strike that painful unexplainable feeling. It's universal, that feeling. I wonder what the world will be like, if everyone was authentic. If someone walks into class, heads down, shoulders drooped , and a face then speaks of sadness, and then people around would also put off their mask of indifference. Sometimes we care, we just don't know how, and we hold back. But, if we truly care, then we should take ourselves out of the picture, and do as we can do best. Just go ahead, ask someone, if they're unwilling to say, then give them their space. But the rule is, never, ever stop trying. You never know, that one moment of might just make right everything. As for those who are teh recipient of such gestures. Fine isn't good enough. How fine is fine? Is feeling lonely fine? Troubled fine? Depressed fine? Even if things is going well, it's always nice to add on a few details to help someone understand. Maybe people aren't sincere enough, maybe it's just a simple gesture intending for nothing, but well it does represent that slight interest in someone for you, however much. Or we could take it as a platform to grumble, or express something. The other party opened that door, it's for us to use it then hahax. I think it would be nice if we could answer that question genuinely. In a certain way of course, we will be the one taking the first steps, as unnecessary to one being selfish, but really, does any of you want the whole world, to fall into a form of ritualistic, meaningless greetings that does no good in building relationships. If we really are looking for it, it'll take some work, some pain. It's the same for everything. Nothing comes free. I dunno peeps. But it's like the Matrix. Do you want to live in a stimulated world where all is rosy, or live in reality, enjoy the essence of life, all amidst the hurts and sorrow, and through it appreciate true joy and growth. We could be animals living in the zoo, living the easy life, be greeted everyday with patronizing smiles, and be free in the wild, with every moment of freedom and life, and there might come starvation, there might come pain, but at least when the day your head lays to rest, you know, in your heart that life was indeed lived meaningfully well.Labels: thoughts
#365 The Cliff
Friday, February 4, 2011
It's my 365 post now.Never saw me coming this far. Pretty cool now that it's been going for 2 years.Anyway. hais. I dunno what I can do for this anymore. It's amazing how, we reached the highest and lowest of our friendship in a mere week. Opposite polars. It's freaky how close to the edge I got, a single word could have end it all. Everything.Did you stay, for me, or for yourself I wonder. I'm not sure which I want the answer to be.But yea, screw all this shit. Screw it all. I ain't gonna be knocked down by all this. Not by you.I swear, I'm going to give my life up for this. However hard it may be, I'm gonna fight through. By love, by wits, or by the very bare soul of myself. If you're gonna run down that cliff, then I'm running it down with you, together with my life.Gotta be stronger, need to pull through any obstacles. Grit my teeth. I'm too weak now. But I will learn strength.Bonds; Will.Let's see what would this become then.Labels: qq, thoughts
The day I lost my heart
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Ok, after a bit of thinking. This will be my final post about you. Not that I'm forgetting you. I wont. Just that, it's the last bit of that side I'll show to you, gonna write it else where hidden. I'll just leave you with the good parts.All the hurts. It's a game of tug and war. I don't know how it triggers, but it always ends up as a cascade of hurts. you feel hurt becos you think you hurt me, I feel hurt cos I think I hurt you. And it goes on and on. Someone has to take the initiative to stop.I dont want to be seen as noble or better. Just that I find, I'm always the one that have to put aside my pain to come back to you, so that it stops the chain reaction. I'm not blaming you. I'm just being immature. Taking far too long to do what I need to do, whether selfless or not, when I finally do, there's already a whole lot of damage done. I need to learn to eat the humble pie. Stop dwelling on my hurts, cos it's hurting you.I hope you would understand. This is how everything seems to me. It often starts by me sharing some difficulties about you. But it's just difficulties, I get them with everyone. It's not anyone's fault, it's just me having to learn. And I never saw you as a burden, or a hurt. You take those words, feel like you're a burden to me, and then to prevent me from getting hurt, you close up and push me away. As for me, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. The only thing I know is the hurt starts whenever you do that. and it get's excruciatingly painful the more you do it. And then I express more hurts, and then so do you.You probably really dont want to hurt me. But it's whenever you do what you think is to "protect" me, by cutting me off so I wont be hurt, is where all the hurt begins. Maybe you think that by we being apart, I cant be hurt by you. I cant emphasize how much your actions of not hurting me is the one doing the most, and only damage.
Sometimes, it seems you don't care about me hurting at all. You only care about you getting hurt by feeling you've hurt someone. My hurts is only a trigger to your pain, and you don't want that. But you never really cared about me.Stop saying it's not my fault. Stop trying to be nice. In this hurt game, if you're the one that starts hurting first, it means I'm the trigger. I'm at fault too. By me dwelling in my own pain, I only cause you more. But I think my biggest wrong, is making you feel like you're a burden when in reality, you're not. Despite whatever I do, if you cant understand that, then it's my fault for not communicating it well. I hardly look into your own pains as to how I might trigger them, and then think I'm expressing everything to be honest with you. But maybe honesty doesn't work at all times. I never considered how it would affect you. I gave you something beyond what you could handle.So yea, someone has to stop this hurt game. I'll do it alright. And this is the last time I'll be honest about my pains to you, in my final hope that you'll understand what you intended. I'll do what you want. I'll stay away from you, and let you be closed. Cause I'm causing you the hurt. If I dont show anything, then you wont be hurt either. Yea, so its better if I bear the pain alone in silence. If it makes you feel better.It seems like as though I'm playing the same game as you. Closing up to prevent the other person from hurting. I wonder if you'll be hurt like I did. I think it will, but I hope it doesnt. I'm not doing this for revenge. But I hope you'll understand, that if you truly do love me, that the pain of being pushed away is excruciatingly piercing. I wonder if you'll ever stop. Stop, and really care about me. To understand what is really hurting me. But I guess I should stop trying to make this work. Only hurting you more. You know. if we really look at it from the bigger picture. You never were any burden to me. But maybe I was...Just go alright. just that you know, stop saying you love me, or don't want to hurt me. Really. Because you're only concerned about yourself. You've never really seen or understand where and how I got hurt. I'm fine if you're only concerned about yourself. I only selfishly ask that, please, spare me my feelings. I don't expect you to love me in return, just that when you say all those things, it rekindles that hope in me. don't tell me you dont want me to hurt, when your actions do so. Hais. I don't know if now what I say qualifies as loving you, now that I've stop being with you. I'm not sure if this will be the best. But I want to tell you, I never will give up on you. I never ever thought of you as a burden either. It was just me coming to understand the terms of love.You'll probably feel all hurt again after reading this. You've not hurting because you feel you hurt me. It's because you think you're a burden, a pain, when you never were. I hope you'll realize that none of that was ever real.And so, I guess this ends our story. I will continue it on my own, in the dark. Love costs, and this will be my biggest price, learning how to let go. I'll be waiting for you, for the day, maybe you'd love me back. Pain as it will be, I'll be watching over you, loving you, from wherever I am. I hope life gets better for you.
Love, Nico. Labels: love, memories, qq, thoughts
Misintepretation
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Heh, everyone that reads my blog thinks I'm in some sort of relationship with a girl.
First off, I want to say that, not everything that happens between a guy and a girl indicates romance. I'll jus say that between genuine love and romance, there has been much misintepretation by many ppl.
Not that I've reached the state of genuine love, but I've set my heart for it. I dun deny thr's a bit of romance essence in it, but it's all about regulating it. And if there's room for arguing, I'll end off with saying that I'm guided by my own motive checks.
Subjective, but I go by a certain strict principle of selfish/selflessness. Romance is not necessarily bad. Its natural. Just that ppl at times take it and over do it. Get all high in love with each other. and when the passion's out, poof~ But in genuine love there's a aspect of doing what's best uh. And sometimes that means keeping away from each other to avoid temptations into selfish indulgence.
Yea, genuine love also means that although thr's romantic feelings involved, it's about regulating and keeping check of each other to stay on track. As for me, undeniably there's romantic feelings, but that's not the priority. The function of genuine love as to override the passion of romance. even if it means having to go against what I feel like.
But hey ho, as for all that intimacy expressed in my blog, once again, I will say why are such reservations made only for romance. Love was meant to be freely given to everyone, family, friends, acquaintance and even enemies. We only hold back because of our own selfishness, or fears and worries.
Hey people. Stop thinking on what the world defines relationship as, but take a look at the bigger picture, even if you dun agree with me. There has to be something more to a relationship than just mutual attraction and feelings.Labels: love, thoughts
Aint gonna give you up
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I told myself I’ll bear the consequences, and I guess this is part of it.I’m not sure what’s going on, I don’t think we should be in this sudden change of state. Maybe everything’s a misunderstanding? I don’t know. I’m not even sure of what’s going on. And I’m trying hard to keep myself strong, and not to fall to those subjective thoughts. I dunno why you’re hurting. I don’t know what I did. Was it my words? Hais. And, I don’t want to let this fall. I don’t want things to back they were. But I’ve got no chance at all. The environment, the timing, the situation, and the doors I feel are shutting towards me. The irony of wanting to protect me is hurting me itself. Your walls are lined with piercing barbs. The sheer iciness breaks any touch of contact on it.
But owells, I guess it’s my own doing. It’s just something I have to bear. Sorry for all the pain I caused. Please help me, I’m not sure if you would really help me in this. Maybe I’ll have to fight alone again. But hey, I aint gonna tag this as “emo” because I’m gonna fight it as hard as I can. I'm so close to falling over the edge, but I'm holding on, by the tip of my fingers, a bit more into falling into that chasm again. Take it as my consequences I offered to bear.
But more importantly, for you, for that smile on your face once again. I cant let it slip away.
I need to stay strong dammit. cmon Darren. One step at a time. Keep. pushing. I guess i'm killing myself over nothing again. Hais.
When I choose you over other things that seemed better, it's not that I've lose out on them because of you, but that if I chose them, I would have lost you.
------
Heh, prepared a whole lot of emo stuff but argh. I guess I aint letting it out on here. Feels much better after ranting, and looking back, I know it's isn't good for it to be shown, as much as I'd like to be known. Dooesn't do anyone any good.
But hey, here's the more positive version.
Anyway, we've been through it so many times already, but I didn't expected the fall to come so fast, thought I feel it's uncalled for.
I don't understand anything though, really. I'm only aware I was talking about my fears and worries, and suddenly afterward something triggered. Maybe I didn't understand your point. I don't know really. I just don't know what happened.
And truthfully. I feel treated unjustly. Everything just happened and then all doors were shut. I feel that you at least owe me an explanation.
I'd admit, all those feelings came rushing in. Thoughts of being worthless, and why I'm doing all these again. The pain was excruciating. Really. It hurts beyond depths of anything. Im sure you know those hurts.
And just in case, since I have no idea was happening, I take a guess of you feeling like you hurt me or sorts. I'm really not sure. but I want to tell you, the only time you hurt me, are the times you cut me off like that. It pierces me to the core. But owells.
I dunno luh uh. I suddenly feel so exhausted during those moments. But hey, whatever it is, I'm still gonna fight for you. I'm not gonna let everything go. I'm weak, but I will persevere.
I love you.
Labels: qq, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
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Made in HiClub
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The curtains closed, the music stops, the lights turn on.Another sem of hiclub is over. It's another sem, with a new set of cherished memories.Class 2A, Hear me out, experiences with the main comm, pushing song signing.Class 2a first, really enjoyed my time teaching them, especially the later few weeks when I really let loose myself into my naturally lame self. HAHA. Kinda glad that the student got entertained and class was more fun for them, and at least they were more responsive to my previous class, they laugh together at my lameness.The final time togther during the closing ceremony was my most memorable, never been so close to my class before, finally felt together with them. Though little in number but ti really warmed my heart to see them talking. Would love to teach them again. I'm looking forward to teaching intermediate next sem hahax.Closing comm wise, I was part of entertainment team. Things were kinda late but I think we pulled off, a, seriously, imba, nice show. Together with the help of Jesca, Kenji, Glenda, Tim, & Joyo. Had a lot of fun =P and I think we did really great. Loved the roar of applause throughout the performance and the final ovation.As for performances, heh, guess I've deproved... screwed up both my performances, its embarassing, but I also felt my standard dropped. Got sihui as my partner though :D Song choice was nice.that would be to the closing ceremony per se but I guess my takeback would be the graduation of the seniors. Next it'll be our turn. I wonder what 3rd year is like. We wont have any seniors, we will be them. Not sure, but I dont really dare look into my residing fade off from hiclub, but well, will see as we go. Hi Club has been such a big part of my life, it feels weird thinking of letting go. Made some new friends as well, touched some, impacted few, learn from their perspectives, taught many.I guess to me, hiclub was more than just a cca, it was my passion, my life, my family, my heart, my people, my home. Hope, the 3rd year wouldn't be a painful one.
I love hi club, really =)
Labels: hi club, memories
Valentines 2010
Monday, February 14, 2011
heh, it's the first I celebrated.thought of giving out chocs and notes to others, but I didnt really have to guts to. Only did for a few people. had 7/16 chocs left, which I ate on my own.kinda half sad half funny thought, people would think aww so sweet, he's eating valentine's choc. but then I'm kinda just eating leftover chocs whichever mine, to begin with ._.Heh, maybe, it's my first too. For the spirit of it. Been looking towards today since last month. But yea, glad I guess. Today just added two "first"s to you. and for a side note, it may offend some people but here's a random thought..."what's with all the talk abt ok being single on valentine. Come on, if it really was ok, it wouldnt matter which day it is. Quit whining, really."Labels: memories, qq
Receiving
Sunday, February 13, 2011
hm. talked a bit about receiving to zx. and the call from hq.I'm not sure actually. I think for quite a long time, I haven't receive much, aside from zx. In fact, I think I'm giving more than receiving. but as I reconsider, not possible for me to give out more than I receive. You cant go deficit in goodwill. Had a source I never knew was there. I guess God kept me going, during the times I looked upon Him, and eve the times I forgot.Though I'm still greedy, I long to receive from humans, in the ways I need. It's been so long, I realized I dare not open my heart. You know those weird feelings when you wished for something so hard, but when it's there you run away from it. I haven't really opened my heart I guess. Whether or not those are really out there.Randomly thought about me giving someone, would they ever know. And then reflected on whether I did feel that way too:I wonder how many times we have been loved by the people around us unknowingly, and life was made better, because they were there. And all the while, here we were crying out for a love we never realized existed just outside our doors.
-- Nico But heh. You. To be honest, I've long gave up expecting anything in return from you. I could only wish, but that's as far as it gets. You gave, and I was quite awkward. But it meant a lot to me. I really, dont know if that day comes, neither do I know how to react to it. Maybe it'll be a dream come true, but I think it would be something I dare not touch.Truly, I look towards a day, where I can be a recipient of a unconditional dedicated love which would stay through all time, residing even among my understanding, my needs, but it's only a fantasy to me. It's something simple, but I guess I'm not worth anything of it. Just hope to gleam off any extras that may cross my path =) Though each tiny brush off sparks out the whole desire again.Maybe that's why I like the loft. Secret desires. Twice, both ceremonies event gave me comfort by two peeps. Guess they never knew how much that meant to me. But yea, just that simple small gesture, warms my heart to the very depths. I'd wish it'll last forever, but I'm grateful for the memories.Well, once again I'm sure the longing is rekindled, but I guess I'll learn to open my heart to all the sources as well. I cant just sit around a cry for a ideal love. As much as being loved is a human need as hunger, we cant sit around waiting to satisfy craving and that only, pushing away all other food. of course one goes hungry. Love itself, should not be expected in any form, but freely received too I guess? Gotta open my eyes and heart to learn to receive.Hahax, nonetheless, I'll be moving on. going about doing something. i've slack for quite sometime. I need to pull up my socks once again. Start giving :DLabels: God, love, thoughts
Friendless
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Suddenly I think through my daily life and stumble upon a thought I havent realized for quite some time.Friends. I don't really have any... Few maybe. To clear tings first, this wouldn't discount people treating me as friends, but me treating them as friends also.I find myself mostly doing everything alone, even when I'm with people. I rarely have a good conversation with anybody. Is it common? Maybe it is for introverts, but heh, I dont want it that way, I'd to have meaningful conversations with people.
Friends, temporal? It's seems tangible, close to touch, yet I cant grasp it. Did I lose something along the way? Am I being too selfish? Fears? Incompetency?
I think I'm doing it way too technically. I cant really remember being relaxed when making friends. I dont think I know how to in the first place. Baaah. I should stop being so technical and just open up, to receive. At most just go thru the hurts again.
Maybe I'll have to learn again this semester then. It's been so long, but heh.
Labels: frenz, thoughts
Exhaustion
Friday, February 11, 2011
Going down very soon. All I need to recharge me a little is just a bit of genuine interaction between people, seeing life inspires me on somehow but yea, CNY, assignments, duties, I looked forward for loft-stay to be a heartwarming experience but heh.Being putting so much, I'm starting to feel the drain, and my sensors indicating my need for input. Yet, I dont see any source anywhere. Once again, feeling things are being unfair. Me having to keep giving out, yet having no input.Responsibilities and commitment. There's so much things I need to do. Blargh. And feeling lonelier than ever, yet covered by the will to do good for them, I've forgotten about myself. And when I do, I find myself alone, and fighting it out. Thing are tough, everyone has their own personal battles to fight in equal proportions of difficulty.
Seems no one's there for me. Everyone's got their life. One's busy with added responsibilities, one's outta contact, the last one is busier than ever, no time and space for me. And then I remembered another person who said would be there. I had the chance, I just didn't have the guts to say. And to the others, I'm probably invisible. Everyone has their own lives. The loneliness is chilling. I wonder if it's linked to my lower cold tolerance lolol. But, hais. Not that I do it very well or often, but I do try my best. Just kinda hurts, that at the end of the day, when I'm in need, no one's there. Maybe it's just bad timing, everyone's tired as well. Don't need things to be fair to do what's right. Things never will be fair. But at least within my power and abilities, that I can make things slightly fairer for another person.Owells. Lonely day today. Everyone's busy. My phone's dead. No one's around.I'll just keep giving then, even if it means taking my life. Hopefully, something might come back return...Labels: thoughts
Red or Blue Pill
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Hmm seems long since I wrote about something philosophically thought-ish that doesn't involve my life. During one of those low moments, had a friend walked past me. I didn't put on a sad face or anything, maybe a straight one. I even said hi, with a slight smile I guess? I normally avoided people. lol I really will turn around and walk another way if I saw someone I knew but didnt want to say hi to xD Minutes later she sent a text asking if I was fine. Was kinda freaky how she kinda picked me out with a few seconds. I remember another time, where someone said I didn't sound too good. Makes me wonder, either I'm showing it all, or im just wayy too readable. Or both. Kinda brings me back to those moments when I was into the whole facade concept. I think it's great. When someone asks me how I am, my mind pauses. I could either say what's going on in my life, or reply with the typical "I'm fine". Now, as much as I don't like it, I'll just say whatever that's happening. In a quick summary, or sometimes too long cause I'm that talkative sort. =PEven though it brings about so much more vulnerability and weaknesses to light, the authenticity feels good. Even if people don't like me because I seem like a whiny little emo kid, I'd rather be disliked for what I am, then be liked for who I'm not. Nobody likes being vulnerable I guess. But it's through that vulnerability that builds true relationships. You know those times when you see someone, so broken, so weak, when you let your own guard down, to be one with that person? Maybe people think that by showing all this, it's a sign of weakness. Hey, I agree. Who isn't. But it takes strength to bear the pain, and sometimes possibly shame, of showing those vulnerabilities. Cause I think, somewhere in us, we're all broken, in one way or another. And we all relate to that feelings of brokenness. Nobody likes it. It's just that the world demands a happy face, that everything needs to be okay. An intolerance to brokenness. And I believe it's bad enough that we're hurting, it doesn't add anything to tell us to shut up and be happy about it. I see facades as a protection to these hurts. It's natural to protect ourselves. Every living thing has that inbuilt instinct. But sometimes, we carry these mask for too long, we end up living alter-egos. It works as an alternative to pain, but avoiding it wont do any good for us. We may fool others, we may fool ourselves, but we can never fool pain. Once everyone is gone, the silence settles in, there, the pain stalks us from the shadows, returning to strike that painful unexplainable feeling. It's universal, that feeling. I wonder what the world will be like, if everyone was authentic. If someone walks into class, heads down, shoulders drooped , and a face then speaks of sadness, and then people around would also put off their mask of indifference. Sometimes we care, we just don't know how, and we hold back. But, if we truly care, then we should take ourselves out of the picture, and do as we can do best. Just go ahead, ask someone, if they're unwilling to say, then give them their space. But the rule is, never, ever stop trying. You never know, that one moment of might just make right everything. As for those who are teh recipient of such gestures. Fine isn't good enough. How fine is fine? Is feeling lonely fine? Troubled fine? Depressed fine? Even if things is going well, it's always nice to add on a few details to help someone understand. Maybe people aren't sincere enough, maybe it's just a simple gesture intending for nothing, but well it does represent that slight interest in someone for you, however much. Or we could take it as a platform to grumble, or express something. The other party opened that door, it's for us to use it then hahax. I think it would be nice if we could answer that question genuinely. In a certain way of course, we will be the one taking the first steps, as unnecessary to one being selfish, but really, does any of you want the whole world, to fall into a form of ritualistic, meaningless greetings that does no good in building relationships. If we really are looking for it, it'll take some work, some pain. It's the same for everything. Nothing comes free. I dunno peeps. But it's like the Matrix. Do you want to live in a stimulated world where all is rosy, or live in reality, enjoy the essence of life, all amidst the hurts and sorrow, and through it appreciate true joy and growth. We could be animals living in the zoo, living the easy life, be greeted everyday with patronizing smiles, and be free in the wild, with every moment of freedom and life, and there might come starvation, there might come pain, but at least when the day your head lays to rest, you know, in your heart that life was indeed lived meaningfully well.Labels: thoughts
#365 The Cliff
Friday, February 4, 2011
It's my 365 post now.Never saw me coming this far. Pretty cool now that it's been going for 2 years.Anyway. hais. I dunno what I can do for this anymore. It's amazing how, we reached the highest and lowest of our friendship in a mere week. Opposite polars. It's freaky how close to the edge I got, a single word could have end it all. Everything.Did you stay, for me, or for yourself I wonder. I'm not sure which I want the answer to be.But yea, screw all this shit. Screw it all. I ain't gonna be knocked down by all this. Not by you.I swear, I'm going to give my life up for this. However hard it may be, I'm gonna fight through. By love, by wits, or by the very bare soul of myself. If you're gonna run down that cliff, then I'm running it down with you, together with my life.Gotta be stronger, need to pull through any obstacles. Grit my teeth. I'm too weak now. But I will learn strength.Bonds; Will.Let's see what would this become then.Labels: qq, thoughts
The day I lost my heart
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Ok, after a bit of thinking. This will be my final post about you. Not that I'm forgetting you. I wont. Just that, it's the last bit of that side I'll show to you, gonna write it else where hidden. I'll just leave you with the good parts.All the hurts. It's a game of tug and war. I don't know how it triggers, but it always ends up as a cascade of hurts. you feel hurt becos you think you hurt me, I feel hurt cos I think I hurt you. And it goes on and on. Someone has to take the initiative to stop.I dont want to be seen as noble or better. Just that I find, I'm always the one that have to put aside my pain to come back to you, so that it stops the chain reaction. I'm not blaming you. I'm just being immature. Taking far too long to do what I need to do, whether selfless or not, when I finally do, there's already a whole lot of damage done. I need to learn to eat the humble pie. Stop dwelling on my hurts, cos it's hurting you.I hope you would understand. This is how everything seems to me. It often starts by me sharing some difficulties about you. But it's just difficulties, I get them with everyone. It's not anyone's fault, it's just me having to learn. And I never saw you as a burden, or a hurt. You take those words, feel like you're a burden to me, and then to prevent me from getting hurt, you close up and push me away. As for me, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. The only thing I know is the hurt starts whenever you do that. and it get's excruciatingly painful the more you do it. And then I express more hurts, and then so do you.You probably really dont want to hurt me. But it's whenever you do what you think is to "protect" me, by cutting me off so I wont be hurt, is where all the hurt begins. Maybe you think that by we being apart, I cant be hurt by you. I cant emphasize how much your actions of not hurting me is the one doing the most, and only damage.
Sometimes, it seems you don't care about me hurting at all. You only care about you getting hurt by feeling you've hurt someone. My hurts is only a trigger to your pain, and you don't want that. But you never really cared about me.Stop saying it's not my fault. Stop trying to be nice. In this hurt game, if you're the one that starts hurting first, it means I'm the trigger. I'm at fault too. By me dwelling in my own pain, I only cause you more. But I think my biggest wrong, is making you feel like you're a burden when in reality, you're not. Despite whatever I do, if you cant understand that, then it's my fault for not communicating it well. I hardly look into your own pains as to how I might trigger them, and then think I'm expressing everything to be honest with you. But maybe honesty doesn't work at all times. I never considered how it would affect you. I gave you something beyond what you could handle.So yea, someone has to stop this hurt game. I'll do it alright. And this is the last time I'll be honest about my pains to you, in my final hope that you'll understand what you intended. I'll do what you want. I'll stay away from you, and let you be closed. Cause I'm causing you the hurt. If I dont show anything, then you wont be hurt either. Yea, so its better if I bear the pain alone in silence. If it makes you feel better.It seems like as though I'm playing the same game as you. Closing up to prevent the other person from hurting. I wonder if you'll be hurt like I did. I think it will, but I hope it doesnt. I'm not doing this for revenge. But I hope you'll understand, that if you truly do love me, that the pain of being pushed away is excruciatingly piercing. I wonder if you'll ever stop. Stop, and really care about me. To understand what is really hurting me. But I guess I should stop trying to make this work. Only hurting you more. You know. if we really look at it from the bigger picture. You never were any burden to me. But maybe I was...Just go alright. just that you know, stop saying you love me, or don't want to hurt me. Really. Because you're only concerned about yourself. You've never really seen or understand where and how I got hurt. I'm fine if you're only concerned about yourself. I only selfishly ask that, please, spare me my feelings. I don't expect you to love me in return, just that when you say all those things, it rekindles that hope in me. don't tell me you dont want me to hurt, when your actions do so. Hais. I don't know if now what I say qualifies as loving you, now that I've stop being with you. I'm not sure if this will be the best. But I want to tell you, I never will give up on you. I never ever thought of you as a burden either. It was just me coming to understand the terms of love.You'll probably feel all hurt again after reading this. You've not hurting because you feel you hurt me. It's because you think you're a burden, a pain, when you never were. I hope you'll realize that none of that was ever real.And so, I guess this ends our story. I will continue it on my own, in the dark. Love costs, and this will be my biggest price, learning how to let go. I'll be waiting for you, for the day, maybe you'd love me back. Pain as it will be, I'll be watching over you, loving you, from wherever I am. I hope life gets better for you.
Love, Nico. Labels: love, memories, qq, thoughts
Misintepretation
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Heh, everyone that reads my blog thinks I'm in some sort of relationship with a girl.
First off, I want to say that, not everything that happens between a guy and a girl indicates romance. I'll jus say that between genuine love and romance, there has been much misintepretation by many ppl.
Not that I've reached the state of genuine love, but I've set my heart for it. I dun deny thr's a bit of romance essence in it, but it's all about regulating it. And if there's room for arguing, I'll end off with saying that I'm guided by my own motive checks.
Subjective, but I go by a certain strict principle of selfish/selflessness. Romance is not necessarily bad. Its natural. Just that ppl at times take it and over do it. Get all high in love with each other. and when the passion's out, poof~ But in genuine love there's a aspect of doing what's best uh. And sometimes that means keeping away from each other to avoid temptations into selfish indulgence.
Yea, genuine love also means that although thr's romantic feelings involved, it's about regulating and keeping check of each other to stay on track. As for me, undeniably there's romantic feelings, but that's not the priority. The function of genuine love as to override the passion of romance. even if it means having to go against what I feel like.
But hey ho, as for all that intimacy expressed in my blog, once again, I will say why are such reservations made only for romance. Love was meant to be freely given to everyone, family, friends, acquaintance and even enemies. We only hold back because of our own selfishness, or fears and worries.
Hey people. Stop thinking on what the world defines relationship as, but take a look at the bigger picture, even if you dun agree with me. There has to be something more to a relationship than just mutual attraction and feelings.Labels: love, thoughts
Aint gonna give you up
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I told myself I’ll bear the consequences, and I guess this is part of it.I’m not sure what’s going on, I don’t think we should be in this sudden change of state. Maybe everything’s a misunderstanding? I don’t know. I’m not even sure of what’s going on. And I’m trying hard to keep myself strong, and not to fall to those subjective thoughts. I dunno why you’re hurting. I don’t know what I did. Was it my words? Hais. And, I don’t want to let this fall. I don’t want things to back they were. But I’ve got no chance at all. The environment, the timing, the situation, and the doors I feel are shutting towards me. The irony of wanting to protect me is hurting me itself. Your walls are lined with piercing barbs. The sheer iciness breaks any touch of contact on it.
But owells, I guess it’s my own doing. It’s just something I have to bear. Sorry for all the pain I caused. Please help me, I’m not sure if you would really help me in this. Maybe I’ll have to fight alone again. But hey, I aint gonna tag this as “emo” because I’m gonna fight it as hard as I can. I'm so close to falling over the edge, but I'm holding on, by the tip of my fingers, a bit more into falling into that chasm again. Take it as my consequences I offered to bear.
But more importantly, for you, for that smile on your face once again. I cant let it slip away.
I need to stay strong dammit. cmon Darren. One step at a time. Keep. pushing. I guess i'm killing myself over nothing again. Hais.
When I choose you over other things that seemed better, it's not that I've lose out on them because of you, but that if I chose them, I would have lost you.
------
Heh, prepared a whole lot of emo stuff but argh. I guess I aint letting it out on here. Feels much better after ranting, and looking back, I know it's isn't good for it to be shown, as much as I'd like to be known. Dooesn't do anyone any good.
But hey, here's the more positive version.
Anyway, we've been through it so many times already, but I didn't expected the fall to come so fast, thought I feel it's uncalled for.
I don't understand anything though, really. I'm only aware I was talking about my fears and worries, and suddenly afterward something triggered. Maybe I didn't understand your point. I don't know really. I just don't know what happened.
And truthfully. I feel treated unjustly. Everything just happened and then all doors were shut. I feel that you at least owe me an explanation.
I'd admit, all those feelings came rushing in. Thoughts of being worthless, and why I'm doing all these again. The pain was excruciating. Really. It hurts beyond depths of anything. Im sure you know those hurts.
And just in case, since I have no idea was happening, I take a guess of you feeling like you hurt me or sorts. I'm really not sure. but I want to tell you, the only time you hurt me, are the times you cut me off like that. It pierces me to the core. But owells.
I dunno luh uh. I suddenly feel so exhausted during those moments. But hey, whatever it is, I'm still gonna fight for you. I'm not gonna let everything go. I'm weak, but I will persevere.
I love you.
Labels: qq, thoughts
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