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The Chilly Anguish
Friday, January 7, 2011

The winds are really chilly tonight. It's like my heart growing weak and cold. Does anyone even understand the anguish that is tearing at my heart.

All my old wounds are being dug up again. I don't know. But with that single statement, you probably have stabbed me beyond my heart could take as well.

Maybe so much, that I'll lose everything I built up for the past year, in believing myself and such. Each time I ask that same question in foolish hope, only to be given the same answer. And each time, it shreds me apart.

The only thing I can perceive, is that, despite of everything I have done and thought to have done, whoever I was, whatever people commented me for, was nothing, nothing compared to your own hurts. True, your heart has it own epic share of pain, nothing compared to mine, which perhaps makes it more fair for me to take the blow then.

I dunno really, what I am to you. And I aren't sure what you are to me either. I just know, that whatever it is, you've taken a big part of my heart.

Maybe it's a one-sided thing. Maybe I'm a pest, a clingy person, just like before. Maybe, I'm actually nothing to you. It's just me being hopelessly ridiculously calling upon the name of loving someone with my heart that I'm making a clown of myself. Maybe nothing mattered to you.

Maybe that's why you can say such things so cold heartedly to me, and it doesn't matter if it'll going to kill me with every bit of my beating heart.

I'm a fool, to believe that I'm of any value to you. I'm a fool to even dare hold that thought. After all, I'm probably just a nobody. Nothing to you, nothing to anyone.

I'm not going to any more. Not gonna be some egoistic bastard to think I hold that place in anyone. I think the best credit I can assign myself, is probably someone who did make an impact, but nonetheless, nothing big enough to keep by one's side.

I'm sorry for being such an ass. Being so selfish.

You know, I just want to let you know, in the puniest of hope you'll even consider my existence, that as much as you have your hurts, I'm now in so much anguish, my heart sinks to the deepest cavity of my soul. I don't even know how to express that pain in words.

Yea, maybe I'm just doing all these to get attention, so someone would be nice to me and treat me well. An outcry to those might care. But hey, I don't ask for pity. I just want to be valued and love for who I am, and not when because I'm emoing and thus someone does it. And then, I just want to know that, even as valueless as I am towards others, it isn't truth.

Why. That the one of those few that I decide to open my heart to has to be the one who kills me the most. I cant help but think of you as selfish sometimes, being engrossed in your own self, you neglect mine. But hey, who am I to judge, I'm probably worst that what you could have done, besides, I'm nothing for anyone to give a damn about. I probably deserve it, but being such a ignorant fool into trying to "love" you in my lofty noble ideals.

And even now, it's replaying in my head. Back then it's wishing my mom would care, but no, I was alone. Now, I wishing you would care too. But no, why would you. Why would anybody. Why would anyone want to give a damn about this piece of shit. In the end, I'm still alone. Facing everything by myself, struggling till one day I find that breakthrough.

I think I understand you wanna protect yourself too. After all, I shouldn't be worth the pain. I wished you're forget me if it's going to cause you so much pain. I wish my existence will disappear and that you'll never know me hence forth.

Somehow, I keep pushing back. I just can't walk out, but I wish I could. The pain is unbearable. This suffering is wearing me. Yet each time I think of dropping everything, I know from my point of selflessness, that if I'd simply walked away, I'd be missing out on all the good things I could do for another life. Though I'm not sure if it even makes a difference to you. I'm just hoping, something good, even if it's small, will happen for you.

But you know. Maybe, if you really want to get rid of me, you should just tell me you don't want to be friends with me anymore. It's more harsher if it came from you instead. Sorry if you have to be the bad guy. But at least, it should break my heart so dam hard, I'll never recover to find you again. That works?

But I guess I'm just being selfish rite. To want to mean something, it's always about me feeling worthless... Maybe I'm just being a bloody ass and throwing everything on you.

Right now, I just want to break down and cry, but no... I'm gonna keep myself strong for you and the people around me. My tears aren't going to help anyone.

As worthless as I might be, I still am going to add value into the lives of others in whatever ways I can.

Pray that I'll find a renewed strength tomorrow. God please help me. On Your shoulders right? =(

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