profile journal archives others follow+
A Step Out of Line
Friday, April 9, 2010

Haven't wrote anything for quite awhile cos Ima super busy this week, everyday also got things hahaha, never been so busy before =P

Anyway, I decided to write abt my thoughts than the experiences of the super eventful week wahahaha.

Now the biggest thing weighing on my mind is yet again the choice between cell and being an instructor in HiClub.

I've always deeply desired to be teaching sign language to my fellow peeps and with all the other stuff that comes with it, in terms of social dynamics and all the chim stuff some of ya probably won't think about, but yea, that's me.

But cell's on thurs at my place, and so is the chance for me to teach. I battled this decision one sem ago, and now it's back to test me again. I've asked around, and all the signs seems to give me the green light to it.

But I greatly fear one thing, and I'm thankful for it, that I'm so afraid, I'll step out of God's plan for me. I'm delighted over the fact that I actually do consider Him more in my decisions now, rather than just head knowledge of doing what's right or wrong, but with a heartfelt felt and reverence for Him.

This decision, I fear, might be made out of my desires of my flesh. And everyone's telling me I should do it, cos it's something I really really like/want. But that's the whole point, the more I desire of it, the greater the potential danger of doing my own will instead of God's.

It's a hard choice though, I can't say I can fully give up to chance of being an instructor for hosting the cell even with God taken out of the picture. I just want so much of it, the success, achievement, social inclusion, friends, knowledge, pride, family, and all these that just cannot define my wants.

But but but but, looook, all of these things, does any of these things glorify God? or do they only exalt myself? The latter, my heart tells me. This is why I fear. I may still be able to do a good job teaching, and maybe in the process do something godly through it, but as for now, even with the answer right before my face, I keep justify, that maybe God will use it for something good? Maybe when I become an instructor I'll still be God-honouring?

Even as I type this now, my heart trembles at the deceitfulness of itself. Should I withdraw my name from the instructorship?





And here, I'm gonna write something about me some of you haven't seen in a long time, and others for the first. But it's gonna be totally honest from my heart.

Self-esteem.

Being struggling with this for quite some time now. It's not fully the feeling of being not worth but yea, I just feel so inferior to the people around me.

To those who know me a tinge better,
I know I'm not the best friend one can have. I may not be as funny as those around, being able to make you laugh every few sentences or having the wit to make a joke outta the simplest things ever. I may not be the most friendly person, one who's able to kick up a conversation anytime anywhere, be able to make you feel at home, or just someone you'll feel ok with. I may not be the most emotional person, to be able to feel your needs, catch your hints, or even think about the right thing to do. I may not be the coolest person either, with amazing feats or esoteric skills for you to be in awe. I may not be one with courage, hesitating to take the initiative, to do what is required to be done. I may not be the smartest, lacking the tact to handle things or speaking the right words.

I'm none of all these. Rather, I'm introverted, fearful, shy, childish, annoying, lame, and all the other stuff you might have labeled me as.

But of course, I don't feel unworthy. Haha, I pride my value in my deeper intrinsic values, morals, beliefs, and my thoughts. The way my life is, the internal side of it, hardly anyone has seen, or understood, but I believe, is one of worth. I don't need to explain this, because it's only those who sees it can understand it, which most don't HAHA.

I think society doesnt have the time to think until so deep, to find all the intrinsic stuff, and thus rely on the extrinsic; beauty, wealth, fame, status. Or if they do, no one's talking about it. Or maybe, I really am thinking down a really different different path that not many take. Sure, I think I can hang out on my own, I've quite lived my life a loner much anyway. But it's just so those times which I yearn for companions, companions would look pass the extrinsic flaws and maybe understand and appreciate me for my intrinsics. Oh wells. ._.

It's sometimes through this that I feel unimportant. I always always wonder, if I were to disappear from life this moment, how many lives will be impacted or affected. It's not that I want to be indispensable, but I kinda wanna know how much of others' lives I've played a part in. I quite aspire a life, to be able to blessed others, to help them and stuff, but sometimes my emotions overrule me.

owells, haha, I wanna meet friends of similar intrinsic making as me. I haven't had a companion for quite some time now... =l

Ciaos

And wheeee~ I like this pic =P


Labels: , , , , ,