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Little things that make big differences
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Here's a wonderful and inspirational video. I really wanna do things like this. Attentiveness to the needs of others with the boldness to act on it. Somehow, it's the little things that make big differences. Labels: thoughts Left or Right?
Friday, January 6, 2012
I think, let it be. From my position, this isn't the first time I'm left in an either-or decision. Either choice, I'm gonna be feeling like I owe the losing end. But then again, that's life. Sometimes you can only pick one out of so many choices. Besides, I ask myself one thing. Do I trust God? Or why else am I trying to control and make things perfect and ideal. If I do what's right and accountable to Him, He'll take care of whatever's needed. I think there's where faith lies, that God can make miracles out of impossible situations. Like letting go of a glass cup in mid air and trusting God to hold it. Faith. One thing I realize from all these burdens I'm carrying, is that I'm not the saviour of the world. I cant rescue everyone, or in fact anyone. It's by God's work and grace it happens. Me trying to be the hero and acting according to my own idea of what's best for everyone isn't gonna do much. My perceptions are flawed. And, I'm not responsible for everyone and everything they do. I'm primarily and ultimately responsible for my own attitudes and actions, and as one abides in love, the path will unfold into God's perfect plan. Labels: God, thoughts Unintentional Mistakes
Woke up late for work today 3rd time this year. Again. Argh, I've been consecutively late for work for weeks le. Though it makes me wonder, for this 3 days, i really wanted to change, and to wake up on time. Just that I genuinely unintentionally wake up late due to circumstances. Should I still be punished likewise? My phone alarm resets when my phone is off, or sorts so I sometimes dun realize it's not set right First day - didn't know alarm reseted itself Second day - snooze setting were reset too, to 1 time snooze at middle volume. Third day - realize I've been swiping the wrong direction (left = snooze, right = off) And now I wonder if I'll be on time tomorrow. Mistakes be mistakes, I know I'm responsible for my mistake, but should one who have no intention to commit a wrong be punished? Punishment and consequences are different matters. One is an extra penalty meted out, other is an inevitable chain reaction that follows, though from certain perspectives, set penalties fall under expected consequences. I'm learning to fix small yet important details, though slowly. But we all take different paces right? Some a longer journey than others. At the end of the day, if results are the only thing that matters, then whatever we do wouldn't be important. But the process is just as important, it's what makes us get there. Lol. actually I dun have a clue what I'm talking about. I just think we should all give more grace to each other. I didn't get punish by the way. Just walked into office with a sheepish guilty smile... Labels: thoughts Drama script
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
It's supposed to be a occasion for joy, yet it's been only fear and worry. The thing I've been hoping for since everything begun. But now it's like a cancer slowly spreading across my life. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it selfish? The negativity seems so prevalent everywhere, it's become so unhealthy. Feels like I've been in this long bad dream, gotten so used to it. Life's taken such a dramatic twist, I'm both slightly amused yet depressingly melancholic. It'd make a good drama script I swear. Makes me think twice when I watch dramas now. Really want to wake up from this dream.
So many people telling me to let go. Next person to tell me that, I will.
Labels: life, qq, thoughts Mu Qin
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
"Do you need dinner?" Felt something warm in me when I asked my mom if she wanted dinner. Not sure if this is the first time I've asked her, or the heart behind asking her, but it felt nice. Havent really been the best son since coming 20 years of my life. Maybe it's time I started giving back. A start this 20th year. Learn how to love people around me. I'm sorry mommy. I hope it's not too late. Please wait for me. I want to make you the happiest most blessed mother in the world. I'll learn to.  I think this is pretty~ :)Labels: family, life, thoughts 19th songs
 Wanted to post this up for quite some time. Time has since flew by, and amazingly it's 2 weeks to my birthday again. This is a CD that was given to me for my birthday, with some people personally dedicating some tracks for me. It's been sitting in my laptop for a year now. Every time I got really bored I'll opened it and play one of them on loop. Well I aren't the music sort so frankly haha, I haven't understood some of them. I wouldn't guess either. But sentimentally, I can name a few. The Great Escape with Gracia - camp song from Forest of Discovery Hi club camp There's a place for us with Huiqi, - lol didn't realize until she told me, it was the song playing during the credits, the first movie we watched together. Lol, the memories... I'm yours with Zhi Xiong - song playing in Popeye's during our supper on my birthday when I had no one to go out with. I remember we laughing at the song and how we sang that to each other. Never had a dream come true with Timothy - ah, first song sign we learnt during camp from seniors. Big feat since we were only Basic A then~ hehex Peacock with Yvette - ah... it appears my peacock dance to the song left quite an impression. Heh. Grenade with Zi Kang - This was really once of the most epic shit ever. Singing it in totally high pitch outta tune voices. One of those moments you let yourself free to do complete stupid embarrassing things, and you'd feel freer than conforming to social norms. It's almost been a year. Many things have changed. Wonder what the 20th year of my life will be. Labels: memories Love is patient;
Monday, January 2, 2012
If you love something, ask yourself if you are willing to wait for it; for as eager as love so desires, it is also patient. Labels: love, thoughts Your smile is the reason I bleed today.
When you asked to meet me at 12.00, I sighed. Worries of what would happen next, what I needed to do so as to not spoil things, what I needed to look like to not make you upset. I didn't want to ruin things further.
But it did. I was exhausted after staying up the last few nights working on my FYP endlessly. I was tired from banging on your walls trying to get to you. I was tired having to put on the fake 'Nico' to suit what you expected of me. Guess that broke through in my face. I'd wish you'd understand, but I don't expect you to, even though I tried talking so much. Do you know, being with you makes me so fearful. Every time I'm with you, I have to be on my guard, watching my words and actions ever so cautiously, just in case I trip a wire to which must cause you to become unhappy, to cause another problem or dissatisfaction in you which guessing was the best thing I could do. From me to you, it feels like you've been building walls around you. Thick strong ones. Because you wont tell me anything, the only thing left I've resorted to was brute force. Keep pounding at your walls, tearing them down. Bashing them even if my hands bled. And when my hands could feel no more, I'd throw my body on it. Sometimes I get to see you momentarily, and inside I feel happy though shortlived before wall forms up again. Every single word and action had to be carefully thought out. Any small mistake could cost me a few layers back. I don't know what can get to you anymore. Being nice, giving you my time, being forceful, angry, even having to hurt myself, everything I tried doesn't work. And sometimes, I have to shamelessly ask others help me. A call to check where you are, maybe for someone to look out for you. After all, people always expected me to be the nice one to you. I hate it that you didn't cry. Even when I lost control and became physical. I just wanted you to be real. I wanted to see you being you, whether you had to be in tears or not. I resent deeply that you sat there the whole time without saying one damned word. I so wanted to slap you hard, just so you'd cry, and that I could be there to comfort you. I'd rather you bury your tears on my sleeves than to hide your sadness behind a fake smile. I don't want you to be strong always. I want you to be you; at times, weak.
My heart ached so much to see what you've become. Lonely, sad, and bitter with self-destructiveness. No, I don't pity you. If I did, I would be feeling sympathy rather than this tremendous twist in my heart. All I really wanted, was to see you genuinely smile and be happy again, whether there be smiles in the warm comfort after the tears, or the laughter in joyful times.
It's been a long time since either of us did. Every time now it feels so depressing, so much uncertainty and trepidation, so much expectations to fill; at least for me it feels that way. Every time I think of you, it's fear of what you'll do, how you're doing, what issues I had to deal next, problems I had to vigorously look out for. Yes. It's that same feeling every single time, and that's the reason why I'm so reluctant to meet you. I can't feel safe leaving you alone, yet wasn't good enough to take care of you when we're together, I didn't know what to feel or think anymore.If you'd ask me why I no longer smiled, my answer would be because you no longer did. And honestly, I'm at the end of myself. I don't say this to make myself look better than you, but for the only reason that my sacrifice would be enough for you, perhaps inspire and encourage you, to push you to find happiness once again. I know even if you keep telling me you don't want it, or to give it to someone else instead, I'll do it for you, because deep down, I know you'd want to feel worth, to mean something to somebody. And I'm not doing all this to help you feel it, I do this because you, do mean something to me. You'd really do. I know I'm not perfect, and I have so much flaws and bad points that's hurting to be with. But it doesn't stop me from trying to give you my best. I know there are many times I prioritize something over you, and that it hurts, but it's really that mess inside me fulfilling itself, and I'm trying to beat it. There's much that I have purposefully pushed myself to do, I dont know if you knew how much it takes of me just to do so. I remember you writing about how if you loved someone, you shouldn't have to try so hard to do things. But the thing is, I have issues. I find difficulty in loving people, in doing things for others. No one went out for me in my past. But I tried. Making the effort to sms you, reply them, talk to you, spend a bit more time with you, hold back my own sadness so it wouldn't affect you, think of jokes and silly things to do to cheer you up, connect you to more people and outings, sifting out my bad parts so I would hurt you less, telling myself not to give up whenever things got really really hard. I really tried my best to give you all I could, against my own selfishness and weakness. Last night, I broke into tears when suddenly I thought what if all the sacrifice meant nothing. What if the results would still be the same? What if the love I tried wouldn't be enough to help you find happiness? I cried thinking how pathetic I would be, giving up my future, tanking all the damage, suppressing all the hurts and fears to fight for your tomorrow, for a happier you. And how after things ended with you, everything will just burst out, all the pain collectively overwhelming my heart. What if I broke down afterwards, would there be anyone to catch me? Would anyone stay with me if I took a long time to recover? Would there be anyone to love the mess I'll be? I mean afterall, I would be a fool for giving so much to change nothing. The cake. I remembered it, and I know it means something to you. But I thought, what point is there, holding on to a cake when I couldn't even hold on to you. What joy could I find in a cake, when I couldn't enjoy the friendship with you. Sorry for leaving it behind, it must have hurt you a lot. I would if I could, but my heart is just so weary to do anything. Frankly, I really am tired now. I don't have the strength to keep being tough anymore. I don't have the strength to keep up being that someone else you'd wish me to be. I don't have the strength to overcome the fear of your cold rejection, or the disapproval of not meeting up to what you want. The real me, is someone screwed up, lonely, afraid, and needy, someone you didn't like. It's understandable though; no one did. I'm sorry I made you like me, I'm sorry I used you to fulfill my needs selfishly. I regret it a lot. A lot. I've only realize how I'm not ready for it, and I'll make it a point never to get into it again until I'm ready. I know if you could, you'd want to return me all the effort and time so I'd be happy and myself again. But honestly, it's impossible. What's given been given, and it cant be taken back; like a gift that's not refundable. The only way, if you'd really want to repay me, is for you to be happy, find your own happiness. That, would make everything, more than worthwhile, to know that you can be happy one day, it would mean so much. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be now, don't pressure yourself, so long as you keep trying. But if that be too much of an audacious request, then please ignore it, please don't feel guilty, or indebted. Really, it was ultimately my choice to invest in you, and a pity it be if I been a fool not to heed your calls of advice. All in all, I can only say I'm sorry for my mistakes and hurting you, and the only thing I hope now is for you to be happy. At least one day you will. Labels: life, qq, thoughts New Year Rush
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Yup, sadly this is how I spent 31th Dec 2011 to 1 Jan 2012  Counted, had like 115 tabs opened. took 2minutes for firefox to terminate and well, aish. Glad tomorrow's a public holiday. gonna make up for missing out with friends and people. Time for reflection, and to sort out through my half written thoughts. Labels: life What If?
I wonder, what if one day, everything just broke down, what will happen. Labels: thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Little things that make big differences
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Here's a wonderful and inspirational video. I really wanna do things like this. Attentiveness to the needs of others with the boldness to act on it. Somehow, it's the little things that make big differences. Labels: thoughts Left or Right?
Friday, January 6, 2012
I think, let it be. From my position, this isn't the first time I'm left in an either-or decision. Either choice, I'm gonna be feeling like I owe the losing end. But then again, that's life. Sometimes you can only pick one out of so many choices. Besides, I ask myself one thing. Do I trust God? Or why else am I trying to control and make things perfect and ideal. If I do what's right and accountable to Him, He'll take care of whatever's needed. I think there's where faith lies, that God can make miracles out of impossible situations. Like letting go of a glass cup in mid air and trusting God to hold it. Faith. One thing I realize from all these burdens I'm carrying, is that I'm not the saviour of the world. I cant rescue everyone, or in fact anyone. It's by God's work and grace it happens. Me trying to be the hero and acting according to my own idea of what's best for everyone isn't gonna do much. My perceptions are flawed. And, I'm not responsible for everyone and everything they do. I'm primarily and ultimately responsible for my own attitudes and actions, and as one abides in love, the path will unfold into God's perfect plan. Labels: God, thoughts Unintentional Mistakes
Woke up late for work today 3rd time this year. Again. Argh, I've been consecutively late for work for weeks le. Though it makes me wonder, for this 3 days, i really wanted to change, and to wake up on time. Just that I genuinely unintentionally wake up late due to circumstances. Should I still be punished likewise? My phone alarm resets when my phone is off, or sorts so I sometimes dun realize it's not set right First day - didn't know alarm reseted itself Second day - snooze setting were reset too, to 1 time snooze at middle volume. Third day - realize I've been swiping the wrong direction (left = snooze, right = off) And now I wonder if I'll be on time tomorrow. Mistakes be mistakes, I know I'm responsible for my mistake, but should one who have no intention to commit a wrong be punished? Punishment and consequences are different matters. One is an extra penalty meted out, other is an inevitable chain reaction that follows, though from certain perspectives, set penalties fall under expected consequences. I'm learning to fix small yet important details, though slowly. But we all take different paces right? Some a longer journey than others. At the end of the day, if results are the only thing that matters, then whatever we do wouldn't be important. But the process is just as important, it's what makes us get there. Lol. actually I dun have a clue what I'm talking about. I just think we should all give more grace to each other. I didn't get punish by the way. Just walked into office with a sheepish guilty smile... Labels: thoughts Drama script
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
It's supposed to be a occasion for joy, yet it's been only fear and worry. The thing I've been hoping for since everything begun. But now it's like a cancer slowly spreading across my life. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is it selfish? The negativity seems so prevalent everywhere, it's become so unhealthy. Feels like I've been in this long bad dream, gotten so used to it. Life's taken such a dramatic twist, I'm both slightly amused yet depressingly melancholic. It'd make a good drama script I swear. Makes me think twice when I watch dramas now. Really want to wake up from this dream.
So many people telling me to let go. Next person to tell me that, I will.
Labels: life, qq, thoughts Mu Qin
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
"Do you need dinner?" Felt something warm in me when I asked my mom if she wanted dinner. Not sure if this is the first time I've asked her, or the heart behind asking her, but it felt nice. Havent really been the best son since coming 20 years of my life. Maybe it's time I started giving back. A start this 20th year. Learn how to love people around me. I'm sorry mommy. I hope it's not too late. Please wait for me. I want to make you the happiest most blessed mother in the world. I'll learn to. I think this is pretty~ :) Labels: family, life, thoughts 19th songs
Wanted to post this up for quite some time. Time has since flew by, and amazingly it's 2 weeks to my birthday again. This is a CD that was given to me for my birthday, with some people personally dedicating some tracks for me. It's been sitting in my laptop for a year now. Every time I got really bored I'll opened it and play one of them on loop. Well I aren't the music sort so frankly haha, I haven't understood some of them. I wouldn't guess either. But sentimentally, I can name a few. The Great Escape with Gracia - camp song from Forest of Discovery Hi club camp There's a place for us with Huiqi, - lol didn't realize until she told me, it was the song playing during the credits, the first movie we watched together. Lol, the memories... I'm yours with Zhi Xiong - song playing in Popeye's during our supper on my birthday when I had no one to go out with. I remember we laughing at the song and how we sang that to each other. Never had a dream come true with Timothy - ah, first song sign we learnt during camp from seniors. Big feat since we were only Basic A then~ hehex Peacock with Yvette - ah... it appears my peacock dance to the song left quite an impression. Heh. Grenade with Zi Kang - This was really once of the most epic shit ever. Singing it in totally high pitch outta tune voices. One of those moments you let yourself free to do complete stupid embarrassing things, and you'd feel freer than conforming to social norms. It's almost been a year. Many things have changed. Wonder what the 20th year of my life will be. Labels: memories Love is patient;
Monday, January 2, 2012
If you love something, ask yourself if you are willing to wait for it; for as eager as love so desires, it is also patient. Labels: love, thoughts Your smile is the reason I bleed today.
When you asked to meet me at 12.00, I sighed. Worries of what would happen next, what I needed to do so as to not spoil things, what I needed to look like to not make you upset. I didn't want to ruin things further.
But it did. I was exhausted after staying up the last few nights working on my FYP endlessly. I was tired from banging on your walls trying to get to you. I was tired having to put on the fake 'Nico' to suit what you expected of me. Guess that broke through in my face. I'd wish you'd understand, but I don't expect you to, even though I tried talking so much. Do you know, being with you makes me so fearful. Every time I'm with you, I have to be on my guard, watching my words and actions ever so cautiously, just in case I trip a wire to which must cause you to become unhappy, to cause another problem or dissatisfaction in you which guessing was the best thing I could do. From me to you, it feels like you've been building walls around you. Thick strong ones. Because you wont tell me anything, the only thing left I've resorted to was brute force. Keep pounding at your walls, tearing them down. Bashing them even if my hands bled. And when my hands could feel no more, I'd throw my body on it. Sometimes I get to see you momentarily, and inside I feel happy though shortlived before wall forms up again. Every single word and action had to be carefully thought out. Any small mistake could cost me a few layers back. I don't know what can get to you anymore. Being nice, giving you my time, being forceful, angry, even having to hurt myself, everything I tried doesn't work. And sometimes, I have to shamelessly ask others help me. A call to check where you are, maybe for someone to look out for you. After all, people always expected me to be the nice one to you. I hate it that you didn't cry. Even when I lost control and became physical. I just wanted you to be real. I wanted to see you being you, whether you had to be in tears or not. I resent deeply that you sat there the whole time without saying one damned word. I so wanted to slap you hard, just so you'd cry, and that I could be there to comfort you. I'd rather you bury your tears on my sleeves than to hide your sadness behind a fake smile. I don't want you to be strong always. I want you to be you; at times, weak.
My heart ached so much to see what you've become. Lonely, sad, and bitter with self-destructiveness. No, I don't pity you. If I did, I would be feeling sympathy rather than this tremendous twist in my heart. All I really wanted, was to see you genuinely smile and be happy again, whether there be smiles in the warm comfort after the tears, or the laughter in joyful times.
It's been a long time since either of us did. Every time now it feels so depressing, so much uncertainty and trepidation, so much expectations to fill; at least for me it feels that way. Every time I think of you, it's fear of what you'll do, how you're doing, what issues I had to deal next, problems I had to vigorously look out for. Yes. It's that same feeling every single time, and that's the reason why I'm so reluctant to meet you. I can't feel safe leaving you alone, yet wasn't good enough to take care of you when we're together, I didn't know what to feel or think anymore.If you'd ask me why I no longer smiled, my answer would be because you no longer did. And honestly, I'm at the end of myself. I don't say this to make myself look better than you, but for the only reason that my sacrifice would be enough for you, perhaps inspire and encourage you, to push you to find happiness once again. I know even if you keep telling me you don't want it, or to give it to someone else instead, I'll do it for you, because deep down, I know you'd want to feel worth, to mean something to somebody. And I'm not doing all this to help you feel it, I do this because you, do mean something to me. You'd really do. I know I'm not perfect, and I have so much flaws and bad points that's hurting to be with. But it doesn't stop me from trying to give you my best. I know there are many times I prioritize something over you, and that it hurts, but it's really that mess inside me fulfilling itself, and I'm trying to beat it. There's much that I have purposefully pushed myself to do, I dont know if you knew how much it takes of me just to do so. I remember you writing about how if you loved someone, you shouldn't have to try so hard to do things. But the thing is, I have issues. I find difficulty in loving people, in doing things for others. No one went out for me in my past. But I tried. Making the effort to sms you, reply them, talk to you, spend a bit more time with you, hold back my own sadness so it wouldn't affect you, think of jokes and silly things to do to cheer you up, connect you to more people and outings, sifting out my bad parts so I would hurt you less, telling myself not to give up whenever things got really really hard. I really tried my best to give you all I could, against my own selfishness and weakness. Last night, I broke into tears when suddenly I thought what if all the sacrifice meant nothing. What if the results would still be the same? What if the love I tried wouldn't be enough to help you find happiness? I cried thinking how pathetic I would be, giving up my future, tanking all the damage, suppressing all the hurts and fears to fight for your tomorrow, for a happier you. And how after things ended with you, everything will just burst out, all the pain collectively overwhelming my heart. What if I broke down afterwards, would there be anyone to catch me? Would anyone stay with me if I took a long time to recover? Would there be anyone to love the mess I'll be? I mean afterall, I would be a fool for giving so much to change nothing. The cake. I remembered it, and I know it means something to you. But I thought, what point is there, holding on to a cake when I couldn't even hold on to you. What joy could I find in a cake, when I couldn't enjoy the friendship with you. Sorry for leaving it behind, it must have hurt you a lot. I would if I could, but my heart is just so weary to do anything. Frankly, I really am tired now. I don't have the strength to keep being tough anymore. I don't have the strength to keep up being that someone else you'd wish me to be. I don't have the strength to overcome the fear of your cold rejection, or the disapproval of not meeting up to what you want. The real me, is someone screwed up, lonely, afraid, and needy, someone you didn't like. It's understandable though; no one did. I'm sorry I made you like me, I'm sorry I used you to fulfill my needs selfishly. I regret it a lot. A lot. I've only realize how I'm not ready for it, and I'll make it a point never to get into it again until I'm ready. I know if you could, you'd want to return me all the effort and time so I'd be happy and myself again. But honestly, it's impossible. What's given been given, and it cant be taken back; like a gift that's not refundable. The only way, if you'd really want to repay me, is for you to be happy, find your own happiness. That, would make everything, more than worthwhile, to know that you can be happy one day, it would mean so much. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be now, don't pressure yourself, so long as you keep trying. But if that be too much of an audacious request, then please ignore it, please don't feel guilty, or indebted. Really, it was ultimately my choice to invest in you, and a pity it be if I been a fool not to heed your calls of advice. All in all, I can only say I'm sorry for my mistakes and hurting you, and the only thing I hope now is for you to be happy. At least one day you will. Labels: life, qq, thoughts New Year Rush
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Yup, sadly this is how I spent 31th Dec 2011 to 1 Jan 2012 Counted, had like 115 tabs opened. took 2minutes for firefox to terminate and well, aish. Glad tomorrow's a public holiday. gonna make up for missing out with friends and people. Time for reflection, and to sort out through my half written thoughts. Labels: life What If?
I wonder, what if one day, everything just broke down, what will happen. Labels: thoughts
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