Been kinda lazy to write down my thoughts (both good and bad stuffs). But at the wee hours of the night, I thought a melancholic one suited the mood more. Been pondering over a big question for myself recently.

For starters, that question is often reversed, posing the reflection how far to oneself would go the mile for another. I think agreeably the key here is sacrifice, and obviously love begets sacrifice. So when rephrased, how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone you love?

Getting back to the question, there's two points I conclude:
1. He/she loves you more than you do.
2. You love him/her less than 'they' do.

People might wonder why I stated two obvious opposites and not sum them into one point instead. It's true that the two points are opposites but they mean different things for me. To the former, I think it's a real blessing to find people who loves you, let alone more than you would expect from them, it's great really. The implications however, come from the latter. What do you do for someone who loves you more than you'd love them?

I'll make the point to clarify that it's not possible to have love on equal grounds, one always tops the other. Additionally, one who truly loves expect no gain from it (desire perhaps).

I think another important component to bring in is whether or not you intend to love them more. Not necessarily more than them, but the conscious progression to love more. The return I'm talking about is more than the duty of reciprocity, I'm looking at the genuine birth of love out of a desire to value and cherish. If such intention is present, I believe it's reasonably justified (since there is growth in love). So what then if there is none? Are you taking advantage if you continue 'benefiting' from it? Is it fair for the other person? Are you being bad stock to the person investing their time, emotions and efforts in building a relationship of which is of lesser importance or value to you?

To give perhaps a more relevant example, imagine a situation where someone considers you his or her best friend ever, however the feeling isn't reciprocal and he/she is very much an ordinary friend to you. Surely that friend would be willing to lay down a lot for the sake of his best friend, but would you place that much on the line for that same relationship?

For this reason, I harbour a lot of guilt towards people around me. Feels like I've wronged a lot of people simply based on that very first question above. Looking back on what they've done and what I've done, (or more accurately, what I haven't done) I feel terrible about myself. It's like I don't value the people around me enough, even especially towards the one closer to me. "I feel like I'm nothing to you", and honest expression of hurt from one of them. It's a generally passive attitude towards relationships, and I'm often not willing to run certain hurdles simply because "I don't feel like it". Sometimes I question myself if I'm really a selfish person at heart. Like I finally realized what drew my affections for her. I knew she cared for me a lot. It was something I'd gain from, something I could have abuse, and something I sadly did not return.

That's one of the reason why I tend to distance myself from others. I know this tendency of mine, to somewhat 'lose interest' in people after awhile, if I may crudely say. After a season of desired intimacy, I become less bothered by a certain relationship, and begin investing into another, as though I'm unconsciously seeking something. Hence distancing becomes a coping mechanism to reduce the undesired hurts I dish out due to my fleeting patterns.

There must be a flaw in my thinking somewhere since this isn't wholesome behaviour. Or am I merely unwilling to be a recipient of a love I feel I must equate for?

Labels: frenz, love, Me, thoughts

Been kinda lazy to write down my thoughts (both good and bad stuffs). But at the wee hours of the night, I thought a melancholic one suited the mood more. Been pondering over a big question for myself recently.

For starters, that question is often reversed, posing the reflection how far to oneself would go the mile for another. I think agreeably the key here is sacrifice, and obviously love begets sacrifice. So when rephrased, how much are you willing to sacrifice for someone you love?

Getting back to the question, there's two points I conclude:
1. He/she loves you more than you do.
2. You love him/her less than 'they' do.

People might wonder why I stated two obvious opposites and not sum them into one point instead. It's true that the two points are opposites but they mean different things for me. To the former, I think it's a real blessing to find people who loves you, let alone more than you would expect from them, it's great really. The implications however, come from the latter. What do you do for someone who loves you more than you'd love them?

I'll make the point to clarify that it's not possible to have love on equal grounds, one always tops the other. Additionally, one who truly loves expect no gain from it (desire perhaps).

I think another important component to bring in is whether or not you intend to love them more. Not necessarily more than them, but the conscious progression to love more. The return I'm talking about is more than the duty of reciprocity, I'm looking at the genuine birth of love out of a desire to value and cherish. If such intention is present, I believe it's reasonably justified (since there is growth in love). So what then if there is none? Are you taking advantage if you continue 'benefiting' from it? Is it fair for the other person? Are you being bad stock to the person investing their time, emotions and efforts in building a relationship of which is of lesser importance or value to you?

To give perhaps a more relevant example, imagine a situation where someone considers you his or her best friend ever, however the feeling isn't reciprocal and he/she is very much an ordinary friend to you. Surely that friend would be willing to lay down a lot for the sake of his best friend, but would you place that much on the line for that same relationship?

For this reason, I harbour a lot of guilt towards people around me. Feels like I've wronged a lot of people simply based on that very first question above. Looking back on what they've done and what I've done, (or more accurately, what I haven't done) I feel terrible about myself. It's like I don't value the people around me enough, even especially towards the one closer to me. "I feel like I'm nothing to you", and honest expression of hurt from one of them. It's a generally passive attitude towards relationships, and I'm often not willing to run certain hurdles simply because "I don't feel like it". Sometimes I question myself if I'm really a selfish person at heart. Like I finally realized what drew my affections for her. I knew she cared for me a lot. It was something I'd gain from, something I could have abuse, and something I sadly did not return.

That's one of the reason why I tend to distance myself from others. I know this tendency of mine, to somewhat 'lose interest' in people after awhile, if I may crudely say. After a season of desired intimacy, I become less bothered by a certain relationship, and begin investing into another, as though I'm unconsciously seeking something. Hence distancing becomes a coping mechanism to reduce the undesired hurts I dish out due to my fleeting patterns.

There must be a flaw in my thinking somewhere since this isn't wholesome behaviour. Or am I merely unwilling to be a recipient of a love I feel I must equate for?

Labels: frenz, love, Me, thoughts