I shouldn't be writing this but I can't help it. And here's my version of this sentence to you.


Deep down, I never wanted to give up on you. Yea, I let go a couple of times, but I always made it a point to hold on back. Mistakes be mistakes, and I know there's no squirming out of my responsibility to correct them.

Despite your vengeful treatment to purposefully hurt me, I've still tried, making myself look like a fool, walking straight into your piercing rejections with hope that maybe it might bridge things, or repair it bit by bit. But most of them were futile attempts leaving myself feeling like shit.

Nothing special huh? I wonder what more deceit you can come up with to make yourself be the victim of all these. If you were nothing, or some fancy person I flirted with, it wouldn't have to take 2 years for everything to come to this. Why would I have bothered so many times to start a conversation with someone who saw it as fake, knowing full well I only get back echoes of my own voice. Why would I sacrificed my time to stay with you when you threw tantrums when I could spend with others who could 'entertain' me more as you so liked to compare. Why would I choose to hold on to you, even at a time when my relationship with my best friend is at the verge of ruins and I have barely enough energy to attend to it. Why would I continue to tread this arduous journey, when I have bear this mostly alone because no one else had the heart to go all out for you, and the only support you gave was demoralizing advice to give up.

If it was all for my own benefit, then it would been a foolish thing to have stuck by you. All these efforts, these pains and hurts I'm enduring, the only thing that would have made everything worth it, is to see you be happier and enjoy life a bit more. Ask yourself really, what have I tangibly gain out of this relationship, something that could gratify my desires, aside from all the hard lessons and knocks I learn in trying to get to you.

I'm sorry I did the stupid things I do. I sorry for forgetting you at times. For not remembering the important things you said. For running all over to different people. For using you. And I don't know man, when it about me to you, I think I'm more screwed than good (even though you told me otherwise but turns out was what you treated me as)

But yea. Maybe it's the irrational mind of a girl or something. Somehow over the time, it feels like you just got caught up in this contorted twist of subjective perspectives and adamant self-bias. It no longer matter how much I tried, the grudge of my mistakes always shadowed my efforts, as though there was no redemption for me in your eyes. You seemed so caught up in my mistakes and your hurts, the truth wasn't important anymore, just your feelings. When you're happy or sad, you wanted me there. When you're angry and pissed, it doesn't matter what you do to me. When you decide to stop playing spite games, you expect me to reciprocate after being tired from trying so hard. Only your judgment determine our fates. If you thought I didn't care, didn't love you, that you were nothing but mere play for me, it became a 'fact' for you.

I came to be a friend, though wasn't a too good one. But you know what, I don't owe you anything. I don't even feel I can be myself to you, always having to maintain this picture you had or wanted me to be. I cant even be genuine to you, and do you know how pathetic that feels?

People I confide in occasionally applaud me for what I'm doing. Part of me feels encouraged and affirmed, the other part feels rotten. I ask myself why the heck am I even doing all this, why do I even bother do things that doesn't even mean anything to you anymore. Yet each time when I want to give up on let go of all these, a tiny whisper tells me to hold on a little longer, that one day things will get better.

I wont write everything about us as bad though. There were the good moments. One of my favourite memories was seeing you throw those balls through the hoop. Watching you play and be free, even for that short moment. Whenever your face looks like ^-^ There were times that I found comfort with you.

And hey, you've done much for me too. I wont know how much you've done, but I can guess the extent you would go to if I ask. And I'm thankful, and guilty for that. but I really wished you'd do the same for yourself. And even so, all good actions have their intentions, maybe you should also evaluate the root of your actions as well.

But for everything, I've only myself to blame, for leading you on to things I wasn't prepared for. For that selfish desire, that led us down that path. It's dumb how I never realized I started it until you reminded me of my words. And I regret them a shit lot.

Just that now, really, it comes to a point I regrettably need to say "it's over". What you've been doing is causing a lot of destructiveness in me. You make it as though I'm the one totally at fault for leaving you and causing all this unhappiness, but I wonder if you ever saw how part of it was from your actions driving me away. I'm not sure how you trying to help this work out, or whether you even care any more. Honestly, as much as I'd like to repudiate the reasons to find some excuse and justification to continue putting my heart in this, there are some major signs that tells me that you no longer care anymore, about what's right and wrong, what's worth fighting for. I do feel disappointed in myself for making this decision to let go, after holding you so closely.

So yea, I give up trying to "help" you, and doing what's best. Because I take it that you don't care anymore. Take some time out to repair all the damages in me. But I haven't give up on you. I hope you know that I'll still be here for you as best I can. Whatever you do, whoever you become, I'll be here waiting. You don't have to believe it now, but I hope you'll remember if ever comes a time you need it.

Hais.

Labels: heart, love, qq, thoughts

I shouldn't be writing this but I can't help it. And here's my version of this sentence to you.


Deep down, I never wanted to give up on you. Yea, I let go a couple of times, but I always made it a point to hold on back. Mistakes be mistakes, and I know there's no squirming out of my responsibility to correct them.

Despite your vengeful treatment to purposefully hurt me, I've still tried, making myself look like a fool, walking straight into your piercing rejections with hope that maybe it might bridge things, or repair it bit by bit. But most of them were futile attempts leaving myself feeling like shit.

Nothing special huh? I wonder what more deceit you can come up with to make yourself be the victim of all these. If you were nothing, or some fancy person I flirted with, it wouldn't have to take 2 years for everything to come to this. Why would I have bothered so many times to start a conversation with someone who saw it as fake, knowing full well I only get back echoes of my own voice. Why would I sacrificed my time to stay with you when you threw tantrums when I could spend with others who could 'entertain' me more as you so liked to compare. Why would I choose to hold on to you, even at a time when my relationship with my best friend is at the verge of ruins and I have barely enough energy to attend to it. Why would I continue to tread this arduous journey, when I have bear this mostly alone because no one else had the heart to go all out for you, and the only support you gave was demoralizing advice to give up.

If it was all for my own benefit, then it would been a foolish thing to have stuck by you. All these efforts, these pains and hurts I'm enduring, the only thing that would have made everything worth it, is to see you be happier and enjoy life a bit more. Ask yourself really, what have I tangibly gain out of this relationship, something that could gratify my desires, aside from all the hard lessons and knocks I learn in trying to get to you.

I'm sorry I did the stupid things I do. I sorry for forgetting you at times. For not remembering the important things you said. For running all over to different people. For using you. And I don't know man, when it about me to you, I think I'm more screwed than good (even though you told me otherwise but turns out was what you treated me as)

But yea. Maybe it's the irrational mind of a girl or something. Somehow over the time, it feels like you just got caught up in this contorted twist of subjective perspectives and adamant self-bias. It no longer matter how much I tried, the grudge of my mistakes always shadowed my efforts, as though there was no redemption for me in your eyes. You seemed so caught up in my mistakes and your hurts, the truth wasn't important anymore, just your feelings. When you're happy or sad, you wanted me there. When you're angry and pissed, it doesn't matter what you do to me. When you decide to stop playing spite games, you expect me to reciprocate after being tired from trying so hard. Only your judgment determine our fates. If you thought I didn't care, didn't love you, that you were nothing but mere play for me, it became a 'fact' for you.

I came to be a friend, though wasn't a too good one. But you know what, I don't owe you anything. I don't even feel I can be myself to you, always having to maintain this picture you had or wanted me to be. I cant even be genuine to you, and do you know how pathetic that feels?

People I confide in occasionally applaud me for what I'm doing. Part of me feels encouraged and affirmed, the other part feels rotten. I ask myself why the heck am I even doing all this, why do I even bother do things that doesn't even mean anything to you anymore. Yet each time when I want to give up on let go of all these, a tiny whisper tells me to hold on a little longer, that one day things will get better.

I wont write everything about us as bad though. There were the good moments. One of my favourite memories was seeing you throw those balls through the hoop. Watching you play and be free, even for that short moment. Whenever your face looks like ^-^ There were times that I found comfort with you.

And hey, you've done much for me too. I wont know how much you've done, but I can guess the extent you would go to if I ask. And I'm thankful, and guilty for that. but I really wished you'd do the same for yourself. And even so, all good actions have their intentions, maybe you should also evaluate the root of your actions as well.

But for everything, I've only myself to blame, for leading you on to things I wasn't prepared for. For that selfish desire, that led us down that path. It's dumb how I never realized I started it until you reminded me of my words. And I regret them a shit lot.

Just that now, really, it comes to a point I regrettably need to say "it's over". What you've been doing is causing a lot of destructiveness in me. You make it as though I'm the one totally at fault for leaving you and causing all this unhappiness, but I wonder if you ever saw how part of it was from your actions driving me away. I'm not sure how you trying to help this work out, or whether you even care any more. Honestly, as much as I'd like to repudiate the reasons to find some excuse and justification to continue putting my heart in this, there are some major signs that tells me that you no longer care anymore, about what's right and wrong, what's worth fighting for. I do feel disappointed in myself for making this decision to let go, after holding you so closely.

So yea, I give up trying to "help" you, and doing what's best. Because I take it that you don't care anymore. Take some time out to repair all the damages in me. But I haven't give up on you. I hope you know that I'll still be here for you as best I can. Whatever you do, whoever you become, I'll be here waiting. You don't have to believe it now, but I hope you'll remember if ever comes a time you need it.

Hais.

Labels: heart, love, qq, thoughts