Today spent a great deal of time alone. A good break from everyone and everything. A sad thought came to me though. Maybe the reason why I can never genuinely cherish the closeness of others was because I never felt that way too. Truthfully, I cant see my worth in peoples eyes too. Have always think of myself as a passing person to everyone too.

Objectively, I think I should be of some importance to others. He said it, she did as well. Yet, somehow, I cant never understand those feelings, only the literal meaning of the words. Hence, I don't know how to reciprocate it. Sometimes I cause even more pain for that matter.

I know I'm selfish. I only think of myself, and I don't really look out for others, I dont truly understand people around me. I wish I could really. I hate the way I am, forever looking out for myself only. Growing up alone, I've gotten so used to fend for myself it comes as a natural instinct. I only talk about myself, think about myself, focus on myself.

I love knowing that I made a difference for someone. It gives me a really warm happy feeling, that I meant something to someone, though temporarily.

I dont know what I truly am to people. It's a question I ask myself everyday. A question I dare not think an answer to. Sometimes I feel like people are around me cos I'm fun, or nice. Honestly, I wonder if im just someone people want something from. Friendship, love, help. What if its not me they want. What if I stopped being nice, stop trying that hard to make myself work, would there still be people for me?

But to be fair, I shall believe that maybe I'm genuinely something to someone. Lol. I just realized I used "something" and not "somebody/someone". Guess being a "thing" is honourable enough for me. Owells, just dunno how to open my heart to receive. It's a vicious cycle of not appreciating those who truly do, hurting them unnecessarily. And my closeness probably causing others to be the same towards me as well

Hate having to write about myself. Hais, just a way to have someone stand up for me, even if that someone is myself. Emo day heh. Guess whatever it is, I'll still keep pushing on.







Maybe for once this doesnt have to be my fault...? Inside, I'm always blaming myself for anything that happens. for making mistakes, for not doing things I should, ... For being not good enough,

I don't know. I really wish it doesn't have to be me now. I know I tried my best, I really did. After all endless repetition of rejection despite trying sincerely. Maybe I didn't do enough still.

When can I ever be good enough for someone. When can I stop improving such so people will accept me. When I can I stop trying so hard to be perfect.

Guess it wont end. So just save the explanation and stick with it.

Labels: EMO, heart, qq, thoughts

Today spent a great deal of time alone. A good break from everyone and everything. A sad thought came to me though. Maybe the reason why I can never genuinely cherish the closeness of others was because I never felt that way too. Truthfully, I cant see my worth in peoples eyes too. Have always think of myself as a passing person to everyone too.

Objectively, I think I should be of some importance to others. He said it, she did as well. Yet, somehow, I cant never understand those feelings, only the literal meaning of the words. Hence, I don't know how to reciprocate it. Sometimes I cause even more pain for that matter.

I know I'm selfish. I only think of myself, and I don't really look out for others, I dont truly understand people around me. I wish I could really. I hate the way I am, forever looking out for myself only. Growing up alone, I've gotten so used to fend for myself it comes as a natural instinct. I only talk about myself, think about myself, focus on myself.

I love knowing that I made a difference for someone. It gives me a really warm happy feeling, that I meant something to someone, though temporarily.

I dont know what I truly am to people. It's a question I ask myself everyday. A question I dare not think an answer to. Sometimes I feel like people are around me cos I'm fun, or nice. Honestly, I wonder if im just someone people want something from. Friendship, love, help. What if its not me they want. What if I stopped being nice, stop trying that hard to make myself work, would there still be people for me?

But to be fair, I shall believe that maybe I'm genuinely something to someone. Lol. I just realized I used "something" and not "somebody/someone". Guess being a "thing" is honourable enough for me. Owells, just dunno how to open my heart to receive. It's a vicious cycle of not appreciating those who truly do, hurting them unnecessarily. And my closeness probably causing others to be the same towards me as well

Hate having to write about myself. Hais, just a way to have someone stand up for me, even if that someone is myself. Emo day heh. Guess whatever it is, I'll still keep pushing on.







Maybe for once this doesnt have to be my fault...? Inside, I'm always blaming myself for anything that happens. for making mistakes, for not doing things I should, ... For being not good enough,

I don't know. I really wish it doesn't have to be me now. I know I tried my best, I really did. After all endless repetition of rejection despite trying sincerely. Maybe I didn't do enough still.

When can I ever be good enough for someone. When can I stop improving such so people will accept me. When I can I stop trying so hard to be perfect.

Guess it wont end. So just save the explanation and stick with it.

Labels: EMO, heart, qq, thoughts