"the only thing i can think of to comfort you is; your true friends will understand when you fail. so no fear"

Sadly, like a sadistic twist to a poignant story, it is this very statement that dims the light inside my soul.

the only thing I can think that breaks the pillar in my heart is my (true?) friends hated me when I failed. So I fear.

I never had a good start inside me, as much as I dearly envied the intimacy of a close companion. Pretty clueless about how to build relationships with people and I've been trying hard to make things work, sometimes doing things beyond myself.

I admit I aint the best friend ever, a whole bunch of flaws. And often, I hurt people unintentionally. But I dont want to, I don't like to. In my own messed up world, I'm trying really. I've been so worn out by constantly trying and having no support. When I take rest, I'm seen to not be doing anything, yet when I try something, it's never enough to satisfy.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, when the greatest rejection I face are the ones closest to me. Guess it's just an exchange of hurts then, a payback. Now, I don't have the faith in relationships anymore. Every time I think of people, I get reminded how screwed up a failure I am, and and the thought of not being good enough for anyone keeps replaying in my mind. It's sad how I fear myself so much.

I know it's all faulty thinking, it's difficult to fight against the reality that is thrown in your face. I dont want to look like a victim, or to be pitied either. I just want someone to be my friend, and teach me how. I dont want "friends" to expect something out of me, because there is only little I can give. Or you'll end up with the same group that walks out on me in anger and disappointment. I just hope for someone to accept me as I am, weak, flawed, and selfish, because that's all I really am inside.

But until then, i'll have to fight off this scars, and keep trying if I dont want to. Everyday, my heart dies a little inside. Each silent disown, each selfish disapproval. I'll do my best to hold the fort and push up these cracked walls

What is love, without acceptance?

Labels: frenz, life, Me, thoughts

"the only thing i can think of to comfort you is; your true friends will understand when you fail. so no fear"

Sadly, like a sadistic twist to a poignant story, it is this very statement that dims the light inside my soul.

the only thing I can think that breaks the pillar in my heart is my (true?) friends hated me when I failed. So I fear.

I never had a good start inside me, as much as I dearly envied the intimacy of a close companion. Pretty clueless about how to build relationships with people and I've been trying hard to make things work, sometimes doing things beyond myself.

I admit I aint the best friend ever, a whole bunch of flaws. And often, I hurt people unintentionally. But I dont want to, I don't like to. In my own messed up world, I'm trying really. I've been so worn out by constantly trying and having no support. When I take rest, I'm seen to not be doing anything, yet when I try something, it's never enough to satisfy.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel, when the greatest rejection I face are the ones closest to me. Guess it's just an exchange of hurts then, a payback. Now, I don't have the faith in relationships anymore. Every time I think of people, I get reminded how screwed up a failure I am, and and the thought of not being good enough for anyone keeps replaying in my mind. It's sad how I fear myself so much.

I know it's all faulty thinking, it's difficult to fight against the reality that is thrown in your face. I dont want to look like a victim, or to be pitied either. I just want someone to be my friend, and teach me how. I dont want "friends" to expect something out of me, because there is only little I can give. Or you'll end up with the same group that walks out on me in anger and disappointment. I just hope for someone to accept me as I am, weak, flawed, and selfish, because that's all I really am inside.

But until then, i'll have to fight off this scars, and keep trying if I dont want to. Everyday, my heart dies a little inside. Each silent disown, each selfish disapproval. I'll do my best to hold the fort and push up these cracked walls

What is love, without acceptance?

Labels: frenz, life, Me, thoughts