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Rejection at it's closest
Sunday, April 24, 2011

It’s weird sometimes. I find that I have a bunch of friends, who have certain degree of similarity. And for I strongly detest, is that seem to have difficulties managing themselves well. Not the way they behave or anything, but just the way they treat themselves as a person. It brings me a great deal of stress, every time I have to break down their response, only to find it isn’t for good purposes, but just to “keep safe”. And I especially hate how I cant relax when talking to them, having to keep a subconscious filter of what’s genuine and ignoring what’s of self-defeating purposes. Sometimes, I just get so tired of having to keep my guard up.

I’m tired really. You, you and you. Looking back, it’s you that have given me the most, and also done me the biggest damage. I’m not sure what to feel, but right now, all I know is I feel worthless. Hais.

On my side, I realized how much I feel rejected in the way I try and give to them as a friend. I made a gift with my heart, a first. It was returned. I offer to talk to you, you tell me to talk to others. When I think of something nice to do, you tell me not to bother. I know it’s not a lot, but why, why can’t you give me face. If you don’t like the gift, you can always accept it, and then throw it away later when I’m not aware. Yet when I choose to give you out from my heart, all I get is, “No need”, “Don’t want” and you reject me right there and then.

When I don’t feel like I’m a friend, it’s you who encourage me to be the friend. And when I believe in myself and try to be a friend, it’s you who make me feel like I’ve failed as a friend. Friends who push me to be a better friend for another, yet never allow me to be that friend for you. Asking me to give to one another, but when I take a bit of what I have and give it to you, you tell me you don’t want it. All I desire is to be a good friend to you all. Why is it the people who lifts me up, gives me support and hope are the same ones who crushes them. Like you're mockingly playing with me.

It isn’t to say you absolutely cannot refuse anything. I find that there are 3 different degrees of refusal. The first is really not wanting it, getting something you genuinely find no need for, or feel it isn’t appropriate to receive. The second is not feeling to accept it. Some naturally feel bad, others have find a difficulty in receiving, and its only human weaknesses. The final is the refusal by cause of defense, to reject based on anxiety. Especially when you need it yet you deprive yourself of it. I find that refusal of the first two categories is of understandable nature, and by it comes reciprocal acceptance of the giver. But of the last, it comes from and unnecessary self-neglect out of a bid to protect one’s anxiety. It’s once again of human’s coping mechanism, but its over focus on protecting the self causes hurts to parties who care.

All these rejection hurts a hell lot. Does this mean my gift is not good enough for you? We humans naturally take what we like or desire, and by this, does this indicate I’m not of enough worth for your acceptance. So I guess you only take what you want, and reject the rest of what I offer. Maybe I’m not the kind of friend for you. I know I’m not the best nor can I give the best, so in a way, my best isn’t good enough for you. In another way, your problems are bigger than my value as a friend. Sure it’s natural you have other priorities, why would I be of anything more important than that. I’m not so big or important anyway. People tell me I don’t need to be perfect for them, yet their response says otherwise.

All these years, while I’ve been thinking I was rejected by others, I’ve been trying to find the emotional charges to my unvalidated thoughts of people rejecting me. It’s heartbreaking to find that the rejection comes from the closest around me. You who make me believe in myself. You whom I try give me heart for. You whom I end up feeling not good enough for, coupled with a whole bunch of esteem issues. And since I’m not worth much to the people closest to me, why would I dare think I’m of any good and worth to the people outside. Afterwards you tell me how people are going to accept me if I reject myself to begin with. But then, for the moments I do, the core people of my life are my first wave of rejection.

Now I’ve realized. True, I always felt I was never good enough for the world. That was because you people were my world. I’ve always wonder why I felt this way. All these esteem issues, and never being good enough for anyone. You people have your own lives. There’s no need for me to complain about this. Since you all are my friends, it’s something I have to accept. I have my own failures too.

At least now, I feel liberated. After so many years of being tied down unknowingly to a constant realm of rejections, I finally know why. It hurts, but at least now I know, and able to tackle and work against all the issues and lies it has bound me with. I’ve found the knowledge of understanding myself more. My hope has died with your rejection, but new hope arises with this freedom I’ve found.

I feel more confident now. At least now I know that I feel rejected because of your defenses, and have generalized the emotional charges to everyone. But somewhat, others will be less likely to have such defenses in play. So ironically, it’ll be easier to give others than to give you. Now I know I wont have to fear so much when I approach others.

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