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When best is never good enough.
Saturday, March 26, 2011

It’s supposed to be a day of celebration, yet I’m troubled by much. Much that I wish I could express, but I got to hold in it for my people’s good. Maybe someone will know of these, maybe none. But as painful as it will be, I’ll have to make another sacrifice then… I hate it, that heart-piercing pain, when there’s a big stake pressed down on my chest. It hurts so much, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Why, ok maybe I’m being selfish by wanting to know, but I really dunno how else to support. I’m not strong enough to blindly stay there and wait. I know I suck, I’m not sensitive enough, I dun say the right words or ask the right questions. I don’t capture the right feelings and much of what I do doesn’t really mean much to you all. In fact, I don’t make a good support at all; I dunno how to. But hais, I wish none of you would do this to me. Owells, it takes a lot of effort for me to do that, but then again, perhaps you all have your own difficulties too. Who am I to complain about myself? Do what suits you. I can’t promise I’ll be there for you, but I promise to do the best my heart can give. I’ll just stay around and fight as best as I can, somehow. I’m used to it anyway. My efforts are too pathetic for the concern of any. So yea, just give me a smile to let me know when you’re better. Thanks.

Well it isn’t fair for me to say you wasn’t there for me. I believe you did what you could, whether or not I knew it or appreciated it. Guess it’s also time I learn to stop relying on you and stand on my own two feet. Like you, I found support around thankfully, and managed to pull through. Thanks for being there for me through out everything. I'll learn to hold my fort for now and stop piling on you unnecessary burdens. As for you, I’m not sure how else to support you, I’m just not capable enough, I’m sorry for being useless, and failing to live up to what I promised you. I can only leave you in her hands; I believe she’ll be the one for you. And as for whatever that wont be reaching my ears, I hope you’ll keep yourself well for doing what’s right. When you said I was going to be disappointed, I said I was used to it. Well, it was out to spite you. but yea, This is the first time we’ve been like that. I tried, a few times. I don’t know what’s going on, I wish you’d tell me, but if so, then owells. It hurts, to be honest, but I take faith that you have your reasons, maybe something more important, something I don’t and wont understand. Just hope you’ll be fine… God be with you wherever you go, whatever you face.

And you… maybe what I did was wrong. Maybe I neglected you. I’m sorry. I tried talking to you, showing concern in the best way I can, but once again. I’m just not good enough. I hope you’ll be well, and you won’t have to bear any pain, if any, let it be on me. I should be the one responsible, it was my fault anyway. I hope I can still have my friendship with you as it is.

I’m grateful you gave me a chance. I’m sorry if I wasn’t good enough, not being there for you the right way even when you opened the door. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do, I tried my best and I can only hope it helps. You’ve helped me a lot in these season, I only wish you’d have the same, but sorry for being such so weak. Sorry to be your misfortune. Thanks for all the feedback and support to improve me that has kept me going through the days. And if it be so, don’t risk opening your heart on me; I’m not worth the pain. Give the chance to someone who deserves it more.

And so here I am hurting over my incompetency once again. I can foresee people telling me not to give up, that I have my own goods and yea. But at the end of the day, when all I get is being pushed away by everyone, who am I to blame, them? I’ve tried as best as I can, really. I dunno why I face this problem everywhere. Its either them not opening or me being some loser. The latter that I can find more fault with. I tried, really. I know it’s small, meaningless & pathetic. I’ve tried as best as I can. I’ll probably make some good here and there, but yea, it still comes back down to me being a lousy friend, even though you all tell me I’m ok, I should be myself… It hurts every time I'm being pushed away, especially when because I'm not worth it. I don't know why, but it feels like suddenly, I'm alone again. As if they've left me for hiding, or to accomplish other things. Or maybe it's my fault again, some wrong I did unknowingly... Probably is, always has been.

I’m too weak to be anyone’s friend. No one deserves me. When best is never good enough. Sorry to everyone I've fail. I should stop causing others trouble...

But once again, God, please help me =/ I cant take this pain.

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