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My First Love
Monday, March 28, 2011

Certainly didn't expect this. But well, it has always been a reoccurring phenomenon.

This time it didn't hurt so much. Maybe I'l become stronger, able to look less of myself, but maybe it's all the more why I'm easier to trample on. Of course, it still hurts because I'm selfish. I write all these not to whine and seek attention, especially from you.

When you walked away, I prayed inside for you to come back. But no one did, just as always. Well, with the choice to walk away already, why would anyone choose to come back, much less for me. Never mind.

You asked for us to stop. I'm wasn't sure what to do. I could just give up everything and play along, telling you to go as well, or... to fight on and tell you I wont let go. I could always choose the easier path, to tell you everything's gone, maybe to spite you, maybe to make you feel sorry, maybe so that you'll come back.

But hey, this isn't a romance film. In this world, nobody gets to see your hurts, and even if they do, nobody's coming for you. Sometimes, in this world, goodbye means forever, and not that they're returning even if it was a mistake. Or maybe so, nobody ever find out about it.

Losing you isn't gonna be easy. You were the first in my life in so many ways. Our journey was arduous but it was certainly heartfelt, many of the moments I had with you, in good and in bad, the joy and the pain. But you've asked me personally, and I'm not sure if I should let go.

I hope I will not regret this. Because you're someone so precious and I don't want to carry you as a burden in my heart. What if it's my fault for letting go, when I could have held on just a bit longer.

At the end of the day, I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of you. The difference between losing you and letting go of you is different. The pain is so unbearable, it's either I just go through it all, or I kill myself first. And I wonder if I can do that. I've gone through it once, and I don't want to go back there. I cant bring myself to stab myself in the heart again, I wish someone would do it for me.

All the pain and anguish, no one will ever understand. Sometimes, you'll walk through this journey without ever having anyone understand. But it shouldn't stop you or me from going forward. I'll keep myself alive for you. C'mon, I must be strong for you. put aside all those hurts, it isn't important. Selflessness. If Jesus could sacrifice everything for me, then all these pain should be nothing compared. There shouldn't be a focus on me, or my pains.

But surely, when you go, part of me gonna leave with you. Heh, maybe it'll go to the extent of me dying for you if I need. My heart goes with you, but my mind will stay back for the people, because they too need someone.

I've been preparing myself as well. One year. And I really want to cherish it. I haven't prepared for my death but I know I'll be able to take it. I will somehow. I always do. I'm not as good as you think, in fact, to some slight degree, I'm just like you.

Well, you're right. I can't promise you forever. But I promise you my best and all, and take faith that it'll last forever. As for that, I'll just keep giving you my best, even if I were to be rejected.

I love you, and you'll always have a place in my heart, always.

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