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Crossed The Line
Sunday, January 2, 2011

Tried something stupid and stupid it was.

Was much disappointed by the reply, finding no answers to what I wanted. A voided response. Was looking out for something personal, but all I got was nothing.

Felt like a fool after that. A real one.

Out of my own selfishness, I crossed the line, failing you, and in a bigger blow, failing myself and the standards I've set for myself.

Pretty much disappointed at myself for succumbing to a moment of folly and selfishness, causing myself only to be ashamed of what I've done. Took an adventure out only to fall into trouble, knowing full well the dangers.

Haven't been guarding myself well lately. Hard lesson to learn. Mourning for my wrong as I cried out in despair, why, why have I allowed myself to fail.

It's something sensitive for me. Something I hold high in moral standards. I feel dam lousy making that mistake. Don't think anyone would understand much, a mistake of forsaken selflessness. Nothing much to the world, but a grave offence I've incurred.

You know, I don't want to make that kind of mistake ever again. And so, I don't want to ever put myself in that position. It's an unstable area, with desires flaring up often.

And dealing with you isnt easy striking that perfect balance. It's either too much overdone, or too little under-do. I cant set my mind straight without getting influenced by my affections. Either restraint or indulgence.

I'll admit this mistake has made me feared once again, but I rather err on the side of caution. I'm promising myself, that this topic will never ever come to light again, whether to you, myself or any other. I don't want to risk those mistakes again. I don't want to entertain such things again.

As for now, I purpose to cut of all affections in relations to you. My purpose and priority to you should be just of a friend, pure selfless relation. Nothing more than any selfish desires.

The problem is you're a girl, and it isn't possible for me to lay aside every brick without all these stirring. An I don't want to put myself and you in risk either. I guess I wont be able to be 100% genuine then, having that constant motive checks to keep me in place.

As for now, I guess I'll need a slight break. Gotta take a step back and relook the whole picture and that I can regulate my feelings properly once again. Since I dont think I can reach that state of entire removal of my wall, we'll just have to make do with lesser.

I wish we could all just restart from the beginning, and pretend this never happened. But things wont be that way. I wanna restart this friendship, keeping the experience, discarding the past influence. Owells. Was never an easy journey and never will be. With half a year left, it's up to you how ya want it ba.

Friends for now, and till then.

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