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Difference does not always denote problems
Sunday, December 5, 2010

Heeeh, am hoping to keep my emotions under control and not let it get over me.

Owells, here goes.

The topic of me being that way with friendship kinda came up again. There's so much in my mind I don't even know where to get started

The social part first maybe.

It's kinda about my low social capacity and sociableness once again. Hais. Well, I kinda haven't been talking much to many people, or replying stuff and things. To everyone I think. Pfft. Currently at a introverted low, where I need my space to recover. And, hais. to all those talking to me and me not replying in msn or sms, kinda sorry ._. zzz I feel repulsive whenever I have to come up with a reply I'd rather forget it.


Well well well.

Say, I have a certain system in me, A certain friendship system. which I often choose to hide from ppl. Maybe that's what's the thing that's closed up which ppl see of me. But heh, it's for a purpose. Most people cant accept the truth in that secret. The truth itself is often too brutally harsh for many. And in the end, they end up feeling hurt, and well mostly affected and in the end walking away. Don't know which affects more, the false experience, or the truth which they find hard to accept.

People, will overestimate themselves, the depth and magnitude of the issue. Sometimes it isn't just about judgment, but changed perceptions. Though they may not judge me, they treat me differently afterwards.Which leads me to give up on telling people these things about me. It'll be better to create a somewhat "false" world for everyone else who knows me to stay in. True, it's a facade, but it's just so they're happier, pretty much since they cant handle the truth anyway. It beats telling everyone everything and being alone. Sometimes, I'd rather we don't be friends and save me all the trouble of explaining myself. Heh, don't get me wrong, it's just this secret dynamic in me. Not that I'm keeping everything secrets. In fact I think I'm exposing a hell lot about myself as compared to others. Just that people always think it isn't enough. Whatever.


And heh, the thing is, I don't need help, I just need acceptance. Acceptance for the way I am. Acceptance for the way things are. And with all these on replay, how am I to keep opening up only to be rejected and to face their disappointments of me. Even if I could find those with nonjudgmental acceptance, I would be constantly facing the disapproval of the people around me. I'll treat it as tact in who to tell, and who, the majority, not to tell. No point saying it all, having people applaud me for my courage, and with that nonetheless turning away. I've said it a few times, most met with hurts, and shock. Their hurts mind you. My secret doesn't just affect me, it affects others. Well, some left, a sheer minority stayed, or came back after a while, probably void of any expectations ever since knowing that side of me. After awhile, I kinda figured it requires a whole lot of trust, faith and selflessness for one to do so, which apparently many people lack.

I think I ain't quite the friendship material anyway. Though many people would vouch for me, saying I'm somewhat good, or nice, or at least I'd like to think so. "Your friends, they really like you eh". Perhaps. It's my honour, though I'm sad to say, I cannot reciprocate that much of a friendship to them that they hope out from me. There's where I mean I aint friendship material. I'm unable to cope with the mutuality of friendship for many many people. I barely initiate interactions, or to understand them more. Or that I just as well lack the social functions to interact with people easily.

Say with a complex system limited to a social capacity of about 5 people in my mind, anything beyond takes extra effort for me to do so. Yea, like starting up small conversations with random people. Don't get me wrong, it doesnt mean everyone else other than that 5 is a burden. Heh, I don't intend to be selfish to just demand people to come to me. It's required for me to step out of my comfort zone sometimes to do what's necessary, and its a good thing. However, it's those times, where I'm just responding, or having to act sociable even to the people around me, when I'm especially tired, mentally, emotionally, or socially that makes it the burden. I'm pretty sure this is gonna generate some misunderstandings with many, but hey, that's why this whole issue on the secret is a problem. People cant handle it well enough without being strongly affected, or going to an extreme.

I think it's the expectations that kill. I already have a pretty low room for 5, and everyone's vying for that space, in terms of interacting with me. Casual friends here and there, and soon in time, I'll be burnt out once again. The problem comes when people expect something out of me. No, don't give me bullshit on someone having little or none. Many people are unaware of how we actually impose expectations on others. And to me, many people ask of my time and effort for interaction, something they are unaware of how hard it is for me, especially at certain periods. And when everyone ask, I can only give so much with this limited resource, some even get none, but heh, in the end, some people feel sad, or upset about me not being enough a friend. And yes, shut up, we don't realize the amount of times we get that with others. But heh, seeing people get disappointed about me doesnt make me feel any better. And hence the minimal contact with some. You don't get hurt, I don't get hurt either. And yes, I select my friends. In a somewhat bid to protect them, and myself from all the negative shit that could possibly happen, in time.

Say I use the analogy of a room, with a sitting space for 5 excluding me. To everyone, I'm just another person or friend in their life. To me, they're a waiting list of people for me to attend to. A current 5 in my immediate field, and many more rippling out in circular queues. At anyone time I can only process 5 interactions at one go, and with the overwhelming people outside, I find it hard to keep up. And it's get tiring. When I need to get out of my room to respond to some of them outside. Sometimes, it's necessary, sometimes it's unneeded, or that I don't see a required need for my immediate attention. which is why I 'dao' people sometimes. I don't have that energy.

So why not prepare and say hi to the next 5 in line? Prompted by someone. My problem to that is, how much of that boundary is defined by me, and not the expectations of others. If I said my limitations was 5, plus a few more whenever I have the energy to, and now you ask of me if I could make an extra effort to those outside waiting. Valid, I guess, that I should be responsible to those who are indeed waiting for me to respond, or to be in a processing of friendship. But heh, the problem is, what about the next 5? If I make 10% extra effort to the next 5, then what about the next next 5? Won't they feel it's unfair for them that I'm not making time for them too? What seems like extra in the present often goes unappreciated and taken for granted in the future. It would be as though that extra 10% was already the norm. Why not add another 10%? It's the typical selfish nature of people to see what they can get out of something.

Heh, and to clarify with all those buffoons I can probably forsee misunderstanding these, I enjoy with my best of ability, being able to be there for another. I don't see it as a burden, or anything. In fact, it's my honour too, and pleasure. However, for those who take it for granted, it's a burden, when this effort of mine is taken for granted, and instead becomes something you think I ought to be doing for you, or sometimes for the sake of entertainment as some people think me to be, and then get all sadded and stuff when I'm being unresponsive and not as meeting up to what you thought of me, that's when it's troubles me. I enjoy what I do, even if it costs me, thought seldom, which I don't mind at all. However, all I sincerely ask for the times where I just need my own time, for quietness, to be alone, and that I get to be so. The introverted side of me, needing that recuperating period from all that giving. I just need time to recharge my depleted resource. Really, I have my moments where I need a break, and just away from everything, or at least on a lower profile basis. I don't need you people asking me to be on my fullest always.

Finally, in the focus of these 5 people in my mind. Well, they are interchangeable, meaning that they don't always have to be the same person, nor do they always have to be rotating. Often the names that first come to mind when thinking. Some of these spots are taken by good friends on a long term basis, kinda like this always reserved for them, (it's only natural), others people whom I've placed importance or interest on, and well, the rest to be mixed about with, which kinda explains there isn't much space actually. Yes, for everyone else. But heh, doesn't mean you aren't so high up my friendship scale means I don't value you. For whatever that I can do, I'll do which I can.

Well, really, for you people that are in those positions at that point of time, it kinda does honestly mean I value you more, and the value of one not necessarily stays low nor high all the time, sometimes gotta make do for some other people and stuff, but I just want to let you know, for those in it, be it long term, short term, or temporarily, it is a moment where I'm all into you, and nothing you are or can do, is in anyway, a burden nor will it cost me. I don't want people holding back just because I'm not good or reciprocating all the time, in fact, I'd rather you skip all those fears of being a burden/extra/embarrassment and things like that and just be who you are. Even in your weaknesses. I'll be there for you, nonjudgmental and accepting. It's a level of intimate depth and I really don't want you holding back on anything. Unless you feel there isn't a point because I'll probably just shift you to the less important side later on then I've nothing to say.

And next, for those "outside" the room. Please, I don't want anyone feeling like burdens or sorts. I treasure each one of you, just that I have limited sources to go. And once again, if ever needed I'll be more than pleased to be of help or service. Be it a listening ear, a place to rant at, for counsel, or just to talk to. Really, it makes me glad to be able to and I hope people wont be holding back if they wish for it to be. The one and only thing I ask, is that when I have my needs, my serenity and aloneness, I beseech that you allow me my own moments for need.

But hey, I don't want people feeling like burdens ok. It's just a pathetic excuse to blame me for your own worries and fears because I already state myself to be open and willing. Neither do I want people getting wrong ideas and holding back afterward. Objectivity. That's the key. Especially for those too absorbed by themselves to understand my point. I hope you wont be one of them.

I learnt one thing though -
Not everyone is a problem. Some are different, and it's important that we accept them the way there are without imposing what's "normal".

Some function that way. There isn't any point trying to make them normal, but to understand them, and allow them to be themselves. Hope it helps me better understand you as well.

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