I pray for everything to be alright.

It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.

Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like doing that.

I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend, and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a stronger person; but the pain remains.
 
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.

My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity, manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.

Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.

Labels: heart, life, Me, tears

I pray for everything to be alright.

It was meant to be a good one week break where I try out new stuffs and catch up with friends I haven't talked to for awhile.

Honestly, I feel depressed. Really. It's been ongoing for weeks now, but a complete week away from the routine left me vulnerable to the gravity of the void inside that I've been struggling with. I need help, but I don't know who I should turn to. I need people, I have people, but it feel like I'm using them as medication to curb the relapse the volatile darkness I'm trying to contain, and afterwards when I'm done, I mentally toss them aside like candy wrappers. I don't like doing that.

I guess I'm still hung up on the past, I never really healed. I'm not okay even though I tell myself that. I tend to rationalize the things that I’ve been through growing up, being left to fend for my own emotionally, losing a close friend, and then another, because of the mess I was. I justify the wrong, that it’s unintentional, it's my fault, or that it was meant to be, or that it’s life way of making me a stronger person; but the pain remains.
 
I learn to manage with an outer facade that keeps me functioning well. Whereas I overcome the pain by repressing it, as if a mind over matter thing, that I could will the pain away if I stopped thinking about it. Maybe that’s why I try hard and being good and noble, so that it keeps me far, far away from the repressed soul that I attempt to cut out of me.

My mind is exceptionally brilliant. It develops two extreme forms of coping mechanisms, one takes form as a hero complex to mission to protect everyone from hurts, the other desires to let loose in a perverse outcry of self-pity, manipulating people for its own gratification. Both act as individual personas pitting against each other, like the angel and demon, or a veteran cop apprehending a mastermind criminal, each side scheming and outmaneuvering each other, setting up fail-safes and blockages, fighting for control over my life.

Yet neither the wit of both personas truly take the pain away, as it festers into the noxious wound it is today. I feel an indescribable sense of torment each day ravaging through my mind. I become ever more isolated and self-centered.

Labels: heart, life, Me, tears