When you asked to meet me at 12.00, I sighed. Worries of what would happen next, what I needed to do so as to not spoil things, what I needed to look like to not make you upset. I didn't want to ruin things further.

But it did. I was exhausted after staying up the last few nights working on my FYP endlessly. I was tired from banging on your walls trying to get to you. I was tired having to put on the fake 'Nico' to suit what you expected of me. Guess that broke through in my face.

I'd wish you'd understand, but I don't expect you to, even though I tried talking so much.

Do you know, being with you makes me so fearful. Every time I'm with you, I have to be on my guard, watching my words and actions ever so cautiously, just in case I trip a wire to which must cause you to become unhappy, to cause another problem or dissatisfaction in you which guessing was the best thing I could do.

From me to you, it feels like you've been building walls around you. Thick strong ones. Because you wont tell me anything, the only thing left I've resorted to was brute force. Keep pounding at your walls, tearing them down. Bashing them even if my hands bled. And when my hands could feel no more, I'd throw my body on it. Sometimes I get to see you momentarily, and inside I feel happy though shortlived before wall forms up again. Every single word and action had to be carefully thought out. Any small mistake could cost me a few layers back.

I don't know what can get to you anymore. Being nice, giving you my time, being forceful, angry, even having to hurt myself, everything I tried doesn't work. And sometimes, I have to shamelessly ask others help me. A call to check where you are, maybe for someone to look out for you. After all, people always expected me to be the nice one to you.

I hate it that you didn't cry. Even when I lost control and became physical. I just wanted you to be real. I wanted to see you being you, whether you had to be in tears or not. I resent deeply that you sat there the whole time without saying one damned word. I so wanted to slap you hard, just so you'd cry, and that I could be there to comfort you. I'd rather you bury your tears on my sleeves than to hide your sadness behind a fake smile. I don't want you to be strong always. I want you to be you; at times, weak.

My heart ached so much to see what you've become. Lonely, sad, and bitter with self-destructiveness. No, I don't pity you. If I did, I would be feeling sympathy rather than this tremendous twist in my heart. All I really wanted, was to see you genuinely smile and be happy again, whether there be smiles in the warm comfort after the tears, or the laughter in joyful times.

It's been a long time since either of us did. Every time now it feels so depressing, so much uncertainty and trepidation, so much expectations to fill; at least for me it feels that way. Every time I think of you, it's fear of what you'll do, how you're doing, what issues I had to deal next, problems I had to vigorously look out for. Yes. It's that same feeling every single time, and that's the reason why I'm so reluctant to meet you. I can't feel safe leaving you alone, yet wasn't good enough to take care of you when we're together, I didn't know what to feel or think anymore.If you'd ask me why I no longer smiled, my answer would be because you no longer did.

And honestly, I'm at the end of myself. I don't say this to make myself look better than you, but for the only reason that my sacrifice would be enough for you, perhaps inspire and encourage you, to push you to find happiness once again. I know even if you keep telling me you don't want it, or to give it to someone else instead, I'll do it for you, because deep down, I know you'd want to feel worth, to mean something to somebody. And I'm not doing all this to help you feel it, I do this because you, do mean something to me. You'd really do.

I know I'm not perfect, and I have so much flaws and bad points that's hurting to be with. But it doesn't stop me from trying to give you my best. I know there are many times I prioritize something over you, and that it hurts, but it's really that mess inside me fulfilling itself, and I'm trying to beat it. There's much that I have purposefully pushed myself to do, I dont know if you knew how much it takes of me just to do so. I remember you writing about how if you loved someone, you shouldn't have to try so hard to do things. But the thing is, I have issues. I find difficulty in loving people, in doing things for others. No one went out for me in my past. But I tried. Making the effort to sms you, reply them, talk to you, spend a bit more time with you, hold back my own sadness so it wouldn't affect you, think of jokes and silly things to do to cheer you up, connect you to more people and outings, sifting out my bad parts so I would hurt you less, telling myself not to give up whenever things got really really hard. I really tried my best to give you all I could, against my own selfishness and weakness.

Last night, I broke into tears when suddenly I thought what if all the sacrifice meant nothing. What if the results would still be the same? What if the love I tried wouldn't be enough to help you find happiness? I cried thinking how pathetic I would be, giving up my future, tanking all the damage, suppressing all the hurts and fears to fight for your tomorrow, for a happier you. And how after things ended with you, everything will just burst out, all the pain collectively overwhelming my heart. What if I broke down afterwards, would there be anyone to catch me? Would anyone stay with me if I took a long time to recover? Would there be anyone to love the mess I'll be? I mean afterall, I would be a fool for giving so much to change nothing. The cake. I remembered it, and I know it means something to you. But I thought, what point is there, holding on to a cake when I couldn't even hold on to you. What joy could I find in a cake, when I couldn't enjoy the friendship with you. Sorry for leaving it behind, it must have hurt you a lot. I would if I could, but my heart is just so weary to do anything.

Frankly, I really am tired now. I don't have the strength to keep being tough anymore. I don't have the strength to keep up being that someone else you'd wish me to be. I don't have the strength to overcome the fear of your cold rejection, or the disapproval of not meeting up to what you want. The real me, is someone screwed up, lonely, afraid, and needy, someone you didn't like. It's understandable though; no one did. I'm sorry I made you like me, I'm sorry I used you to fulfill my needs selfishly. I regret it a lot. A lot. I've only realize how I'm not ready for it, and I'll make it a point never to get into it again until I'm ready.

I know if you could, you'd want to return me all the effort and time so I'd be happy and myself again. But honestly, it's impossible. What's given been given, and it cant be taken back; like a gift that's not refundable. The only way, if you'd really want to repay me, is for you to be happy, find your own happiness. That, would make everything, more than worthwhile, to know that you can be happy one day, it would mean so much. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be now, don't pressure yourself, so long as you keep trying. But if that be too much of an audacious request, then please ignore it, please don't feel guilty, or indebted. Really, it was ultimately my choice to invest in you, and a pity it be if I been a fool not to heed your calls of advice.

All in all, I can only say I'm sorry for my mistakes and hurting you, and the only thing I hope now is for you to be happy. At least one day you will.

Labels: life, qq, thoughts

When you asked to meet me at 12.00, I sighed. Worries of what would happen next, what I needed to do so as to not spoil things, what I needed to look like to not make you upset. I didn't want to ruin things further.

But it did. I was exhausted after staying up the last few nights working on my FYP endlessly. I was tired from banging on your walls trying to get to you. I was tired having to put on the fake 'Nico' to suit what you expected of me. Guess that broke through in my face.

I'd wish you'd understand, but I don't expect you to, even though I tried talking so much.

Do you know, being with you makes me so fearful. Every time I'm with you, I have to be on my guard, watching my words and actions ever so cautiously, just in case I trip a wire to which must cause you to become unhappy, to cause another problem or dissatisfaction in you which guessing was the best thing I could do.

From me to you, it feels like you've been building walls around you. Thick strong ones. Because you wont tell me anything, the only thing left I've resorted to was brute force. Keep pounding at your walls, tearing them down. Bashing them even if my hands bled. And when my hands could feel no more, I'd throw my body on it. Sometimes I get to see you momentarily, and inside I feel happy though shortlived before wall forms up again. Every single word and action had to be carefully thought out. Any small mistake could cost me a few layers back.

I don't know what can get to you anymore. Being nice, giving you my time, being forceful, angry, even having to hurt myself, everything I tried doesn't work. And sometimes, I have to shamelessly ask others help me. A call to check where you are, maybe for someone to look out for you. After all, people always expected me to be the nice one to you.

I hate it that you didn't cry. Even when I lost control and became physical. I just wanted you to be real. I wanted to see you being you, whether you had to be in tears or not. I resent deeply that you sat there the whole time without saying one damned word. I so wanted to slap you hard, just so you'd cry, and that I could be there to comfort you. I'd rather you bury your tears on my sleeves than to hide your sadness behind a fake smile. I don't want you to be strong always. I want you to be you; at times, weak.

My heart ached so much to see what you've become. Lonely, sad, and bitter with self-destructiveness. No, I don't pity you. If I did, I would be feeling sympathy rather than this tremendous twist in my heart. All I really wanted, was to see you genuinely smile and be happy again, whether there be smiles in the warm comfort after the tears, or the laughter in joyful times.

It's been a long time since either of us did. Every time now it feels so depressing, so much uncertainty and trepidation, so much expectations to fill; at least for me it feels that way. Every time I think of you, it's fear of what you'll do, how you're doing, what issues I had to deal next, problems I had to vigorously look out for. Yes. It's that same feeling every single time, and that's the reason why I'm so reluctant to meet you. I can't feel safe leaving you alone, yet wasn't good enough to take care of you when we're together, I didn't know what to feel or think anymore.If you'd ask me why I no longer smiled, my answer would be because you no longer did.

And honestly, I'm at the end of myself. I don't say this to make myself look better than you, but for the only reason that my sacrifice would be enough for you, perhaps inspire and encourage you, to push you to find happiness once again. I know even if you keep telling me you don't want it, or to give it to someone else instead, I'll do it for you, because deep down, I know you'd want to feel worth, to mean something to somebody. And I'm not doing all this to help you feel it, I do this because you, do mean something to me. You'd really do.

I know I'm not perfect, and I have so much flaws and bad points that's hurting to be with. But it doesn't stop me from trying to give you my best. I know there are many times I prioritize something over you, and that it hurts, but it's really that mess inside me fulfilling itself, and I'm trying to beat it. There's much that I have purposefully pushed myself to do, I dont know if you knew how much it takes of me just to do so. I remember you writing about how if you loved someone, you shouldn't have to try so hard to do things. But the thing is, I have issues. I find difficulty in loving people, in doing things for others. No one went out for me in my past. But I tried. Making the effort to sms you, reply them, talk to you, spend a bit more time with you, hold back my own sadness so it wouldn't affect you, think of jokes and silly things to do to cheer you up, connect you to more people and outings, sifting out my bad parts so I would hurt you less, telling myself not to give up whenever things got really really hard. I really tried my best to give you all I could, against my own selfishness and weakness.

Last night, I broke into tears when suddenly I thought what if all the sacrifice meant nothing. What if the results would still be the same? What if the love I tried wouldn't be enough to help you find happiness? I cried thinking how pathetic I would be, giving up my future, tanking all the damage, suppressing all the hurts and fears to fight for your tomorrow, for a happier you. And how after things ended with you, everything will just burst out, all the pain collectively overwhelming my heart. What if I broke down afterwards, would there be anyone to catch me? Would anyone stay with me if I took a long time to recover? Would there be anyone to love the mess I'll be? I mean afterall, I would be a fool for giving so much to change nothing. The cake. I remembered it, and I know it means something to you. But I thought, what point is there, holding on to a cake when I couldn't even hold on to you. What joy could I find in a cake, when I couldn't enjoy the friendship with you. Sorry for leaving it behind, it must have hurt you a lot. I would if I could, but my heart is just so weary to do anything.

Frankly, I really am tired now. I don't have the strength to keep being tough anymore. I don't have the strength to keep up being that someone else you'd wish me to be. I don't have the strength to overcome the fear of your cold rejection, or the disapproval of not meeting up to what you want. The real me, is someone screwed up, lonely, afraid, and needy, someone you didn't like. It's understandable though; no one did. I'm sorry I made you like me, I'm sorry I used you to fulfill my needs selfishly. I regret it a lot. A lot. I've only realize how I'm not ready for it, and I'll make it a point never to get into it again until I'm ready.

I know if you could, you'd want to return me all the effort and time so I'd be happy and myself again. But honestly, it's impossible. What's given been given, and it cant be taken back; like a gift that's not refundable. The only way, if you'd really want to repay me, is for you to be happy, find your own happiness. That, would make everything, more than worthwhile, to know that you can be happy one day, it would mean so much. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be now, don't pressure yourself, so long as you keep trying. But if that be too much of an audacious request, then please ignore it, please don't feel guilty, or indebted. Really, it was ultimately my choice to invest in you, and a pity it be if I been a fool not to heed your calls of advice.

All in all, I can only say I'm sorry for my mistakes and hurting you, and the only thing I hope now is for you to be happy. At least one day you will.

Labels: life, qq, thoughts