People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love. But the truth is, losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you're special too, is equally painful.

Saw this quote which I kept some time back, Thought it's sounded meaningful and tried see how I could relate to it. Today, I do.

In this whole endless saga of broken friendship and failures, I've become so broken, lost myself, lost my fire (as mentioned by someone). Right now I'm just in this pathetic state, where I feel completely worthless, and bruised. Yet in some light, self-absorbed. Self-absorbed in victimizing myself from the hurts. A false nobility, perhaps.

There's this war going on in my head everyday. A whole lot of self talk. Though it often ends up in aimless late nights and a couple of tears. But gotta keep up the fight, I think I'll need three things for myself.

Be fair.
I think I'm taking on too much responsibility that isn't mine. I keep blaming myself for my mistakes, for being the cause of how they've change. Though there's always that struggle whenever I see them. But, surely even if I was the sole culprit, my responsibility can only go as far till how they respond. Whatever they decide to do, is beyond my means. Correcting my faults should be the only thing I need to do now, not to correct theirs. Of course, friendship has to be two ways, as subjective as it be, I need to remind myself I can't be the only one bearing the weight of the broken friendship. They have their mistakes too, though less seen; they've hurt me too, though less understood. I try when I can, and I try with as much as I can give. As long as I be accountable, knowing that I gave my best, whatever little, insignificant or untrustworthy it may be, I did what I was to do.

Stop self-pitying
A state I ought to know better not to fall in. I think I've been in it for quite some time without realizing, falling deeper and deeper into its allure. One thing I've been holding on to, is how I'm not accepted, and being too screwed, and shifting towards the feeling of having all fault placed on me. And for that, I've been feeling so unjust, about my sincere efforts overlooked and disregarded. From there, setting myself in this sorry state, feeling worthless. Yet as others around me showered concern, fellowship, with time, thoughtful words, and love to let me know otherwise, I remain blinded to those around, solely focused on wanting that vindication from him, from her. To hear from themselves that they had a part in this, in this chaotic mess of bruises. Yet ignoring all the rest who tells me the same. In the end, I live everyday waiting, for the apology I deserve, and it's become my only purpose. But hey, am I just gonna live everyday just for that one sorry. It'll definitely make me feel much better, yet letting it govern my thoughts, my feelings, it isn't gonna be worth it. Time to let go; time to move on.

Believe.
Man, really, the days ahead are gonna be tough. All these scars and hurt, whether trangressed or self inflicted are going to shape how I treat myself in the future. Part of my mind tells me I shouldn't let anyone else get closer less the repeat, yet another part of me is dying to believe I'm worth it, that things aren't as bad as they seem, that perhaps, I am lovable. But then again, people can do all they can, as they might be doing now, and if my heart isn't open, I'd never feel anything. Gotta learn and believe again. Second chances. Stop wasting time moping around in emo thoughts and cherish the people I have now, before I lose them over again.

Not sure how the week ahead is gonna turn out, but really really need to pull myself together. I don't promise things will be well throughout, but I'd try my best to fight off those thoughts that shouldn't be.

Labels: frenz, life, thoughts

People always think that the most painful thing is losing the one you love. But the truth is, losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much and forgetting that you're special too, is equally painful.

Saw this quote which I kept some time back, Thought it's sounded meaningful and tried see how I could relate to it. Today, I do.

In this whole endless saga of broken friendship and failures, I've become so broken, lost myself, lost my fire (as mentioned by someone). Right now I'm just in this pathetic state, where I feel completely worthless, and bruised. Yet in some light, self-absorbed. Self-absorbed in victimizing myself from the hurts. A false nobility, perhaps.

There's this war going on in my head everyday. A whole lot of self talk. Though it often ends up in aimless late nights and a couple of tears. But gotta keep up the fight, I think I'll need three things for myself.

Be fair.
I think I'm taking on too much responsibility that isn't mine. I keep blaming myself for my mistakes, for being the cause of how they've change. Though there's always that struggle whenever I see them. But, surely even if I was the sole culprit, my responsibility can only go as far till how they respond. Whatever they decide to do, is beyond my means. Correcting my faults should be the only thing I need to do now, not to correct theirs. Of course, friendship has to be two ways, as subjective as it be, I need to remind myself I can't be the only one bearing the weight of the broken friendship. They have their mistakes too, though less seen; they've hurt me too, though less understood. I try when I can, and I try with as much as I can give. As long as I be accountable, knowing that I gave my best, whatever little, insignificant or untrustworthy it may be, I did what I was to do.

Stop self-pitying
A state I ought to know better not to fall in. I think I've been in it for quite some time without realizing, falling deeper and deeper into its allure. One thing I've been holding on to, is how I'm not accepted, and being too screwed, and shifting towards the feeling of having all fault placed on me. And for that, I've been feeling so unjust, about my sincere efforts overlooked and disregarded. From there, setting myself in this sorry state, feeling worthless. Yet as others around me showered concern, fellowship, with time, thoughtful words, and love to let me know otherwise, I remain blinded to those around, solely focused on wanting that vindication from him, from her. To hear from themselves that they had a part in this, in this chaotic mess of bruises. Yet ignoring all the rest who tells me the same. In the end, I live everyday waiting, for the apology I deserve, and it's become my only purpose. But hey, am I just gonna live everyday just for that one sorry. It'll definitely make me feel much better, yet letting it govern my thoughts, my feelings, it isn't gonna be worth it. Time to let go; time to move on.

Believe.
Man, really, the days ahead are gonna be tough. All these scars and hurt, whether trangressed or self inflicted are going to shape how I treat myself in the future. Part of my mind tells me I shouldn't let anyone else get closer less the repeat, yet another part of me is dying to believe I'm worth it, that things aren't as bad as they seem, that perhaps, I am lovable. But then again, people can do all they can, as they might be doing now, and if my heart isn't open, I'd never feel anything. Gotta learn and believe again. Second chances. Stop wasting time moping around in emo thoughts and cherish the people I have now, before I lose them over again.

Not sure how the week ahead is gonna turn out, but really really need to pull myself together. I don't promise things will be well throughout, but I'd try my best to fight off those thoughts that shouldn't be.

Labels: frenz, life, thoughts