While doing my fyp today, I suddenly remembered of the time we camped overnight at airport to study. My heart sank a little. I miss those precious times when we were still friends and smiles were common between us.

I haven't smile for you for a really long time. Every time I think of us my smile fades out, my heart sinks, and my eyes turn watery. I wished we didn't have to be in such a state, and I hate myself, I really hate myself for taking us down that road that led to all this. Taking things further when neither of us were emotionally ready for it, and now you're in this state and i'm in almost no position to help except to keep pulling things together to atone for my mistake.

I don't like blaming people, I'd prefer to look at my own faults first. Just that, it's gotten to a point when self-blame is just destroying me unnecessarily. I end up hating myself for things that I don't have to bear. I don't expect support from you, but inside I dearly wished that you would sometimes. You often say you love me and I know you have done and cared a lot for me, and how I've hurt you by leaving and dropping you one side. And it's the been the only thing I've seen you say.

I totally acknowledge that I've done many, many stupid things to hurt you. Things I shouldn't have done, and things I should have done. I in my shame admit the horrible nature of a person I am inside. But I, too seek your acceptance in the weak being I am. I don't like the idea that you pin a great deal of your hopes on me, because I jolly well know the probable outcome of anyone relying on me. Failure. That is what I am, a wreck, a complete mess inside, a weak person yearning and wishing to be loved as well.

Though sometimes, it's really heart-piercing the things you do and can be. Though on one hand you do many nice things for me, many of which I find hard to appreciate and reciprocate, from the uncomfortable feelings from my past. Sometimes you can be nice, sweet, cute, lovely, thoughtful, but on the other hand, you can be selfish, stubborn, irrational, self-defeating, and unwilling to solve problems.

And the things you do have really hurt me as well. When you hate me, you reject me, you put me down, you ignore me, you expect things of me I truly cannot give. To put it crudely, you can be a bitch as much as I bastardly as I am. Sometimes, even as I try give you the benefit of the doubt, it feels like you're not open to solving any problems between us.

You've almost never encouraged me whenever I'm troubled or worried about us. Sometimes going to you only gets me more discouraged and disheartened. When I try look for solutions or inquire or current problems, you dont provide any assistance. And as it turns out, I being the complete blockhead I am, am always thrown back by the intensity of an issue I never realized existed. I dont even understand how we can be anything more when we cant maintain a decent friendship.

I don't say this all to blame you. No use pointing fingers at each other. I only ask, that you help me. I cant see how you are, but it doesnt mean you're not, so please let me know how you're doing so that I can find ways to compliment and support you. If not so, I'd dearly ask for you to objectively try to resolve things too, if we keep trying, things will be solve in time.

It's closely reaching a point where I'm contemplating whether to hold on or not is how much you're wanting this to work out. If you see this as completely hopeless and genuinely don't want it to be, then I will let go of it and stop bothering you. But if there be a will inside you that wants it to work, I will keep trying my best to fight on for you.

I wish we could start it all over again, from friends.

Labels: life, qq, thoughts

While doing my fyp today, I suddenly remembered of the time we camped overnight at airport to study. My heart sank a little. I miss those precious times when we were still friends and smiles were common between us.

I haven't smile for you for a really long time. Every time I think of us my smile fades out, my heart sinks, and my eyes turn watery. I wished we didn't have to be in such a state, and I hate myself, I really hate myself for taking us down that road that led to all this. Taking things further when neither of us were emotionally ready for it, and now you're in this state and i'm in almost no position to help except to keep pulling things together to atone for my mistake.

I don't like blaming people, I'd prefer to look at my own faults first. Just that, it's gotten to a point when self-blame is just destroying me unnecessarily. I end up hating myself for things that I don't have to bear. I don't expect support from you, but inside I dearly wished that you would sometimes. You often say you love me and I know you have done and cared a lot for me, and how I've hurt you by leaving and dropping you one side. And it's the been the only thing I've seen you say.

I totally acknowledge that I've done many, many stupid things to hurt you. Things I shouldn't have done, and things I should have done. I in my shame admit the horrible nature of a person I am inside. But I, too seek your acceptance in the weak being I am. I don't like the idea that you pin a great deal of your hopes on me, because I jolly well know the probable outcome of anyone relying on me. Failure. That is what I am, a wreck, a complete mess inside, a weak person yearning and wishing to be loved as well.

Though sometimes, it's really heart-piercing the things you do and can be. Though on one hand you do many nice things for me, many of which I find hard to appreciate and reciprocate, from the uncomfortable feelings from my past. Sometimes you can be nice, sweet, cute, lovely, thoughtful, but on the other hand, you can be selfish, stubborn, irrational, self-defeating, and unwilling to solve problems.

And the things you do have really hurt me as well. When you hate me, you reject me, you put me down, you ignore me, you expect things of me I truly cannot give. To put it crudely, you can be a bitch as much as I bastardly as I am. Sometimes, even as I try give you the benefit of the doubt, it feels like you're not open to solving any problems between us.

You've almost never encouraged me whenever I'm troubled or worried about us. Sometimes going to you only gets me more discouraged and disheartened. When I try look for solutions or inquire or current problems, you dont provide any assistance. And as it turns out, I being the complete blockhead I am, am always thrown back by the intensity of an issue I never realized existed. I dont even understand how we can be anything more when we cant maintain a decent friendship.

I don't say this all to blame you. No use pointing fingers at each other. I only ask, that you help me. I cant see how you are, but it doesnt mean you're not, so please let me know how you're doing so that I can find ways to compliment and support you. If not so, I'd dearly ask for you to objectively try to resolve things too, if we keep trying, things will be solve in time.

It's closely reaching a point where I'm contemplating whether to hold on or not is how much you're wanting this to work out. If you see this as completely hopeless and genuinely don't want it to be, then I will let go of it and stop bothering you. But if there be a will inside you that wants it to work, I will keep trying my best to fight on for you.

I wish we could start it all over again, from friends.

Labels: life, qq, thoughts