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Broken friendships playing like a broken record
Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Each night, the same feelings replay as if I was stuck in a time loop. Facing each day with a hope and resolve, and ending the nights feeling broken and like a failure. And heh, it's going again. Those missing blanks. Each time I talk to you, I'm anticipating another blank reply. Left in doubts and wild imaginations again. Hais. I really feel like quitting, quitting friendships once and for all, asking everyone to leave. I wished they'll stop liking me, taking an interest to want befriend me. I hate, I really hate, all those empty feelings I make them feel because of the way I am. Excuses it may be, I feel hell dam incompetent, trying to meet up to even basic expectations and requirements. I dont even know how to face him, being so unworthy, and now I doubt if I'll ever make it for her. Thank goodness I didn't try for him again, or not it'll just be another damaging false hope.

I'm spending more hours curled up in the toilet nowadays. Repeating a cycle of thinking for solutions, daydreaming and crying. In my fantasies, I'd love being all vulnerable again, and having people around hold me up, protect me, having the warmth of family bonds. But in reality, it feels like I'm a burden left in people's hearts, an empty promise, a false hope, toying with their gifts and trust of their hearts. And then this sharp pains pierces the heart so much, it feels like it shrivels. And then back again to thinking how I can do something to fix everything up.

During this season, the last thing I think I'd ever know is that feeling of being loved... for who I am, unconditionally accepted and embraced. But well, still trying hard to fit into what people want and hoped I'd be. It's not fully their fault I guess, even though it doesnt feel like I'm making mistakes out of bad choices, the mistake is most likely me, being incapable of fulfilling simple actions and feelings, trying to do and make things I can't, at the expense of others.. Somehow, I think I'm fighting this out for them, and not for myself anymore. There's nothing else I can have to fight for myself but just to change to something better.

And the difficult thing is, the way I am hurts them. Quitting the friendship hurts them as well, and I'm trapped in this endless pain I'm causing others. I wish it was possible, if I could wipe out every relationship and memory of me, walk into a new place, and start all over again. This time, I don't want to have to keep being strong anymore. Now it's like I just have to try my best to until either side gives up.

Emo this might be, but I have my weak sides too, vulnerabilities I have kept far too long. I'd fix this if I could. I wish I could. If there be any solution I'd like to try it. Curling up seems to be the only comfort I can find.

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