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Barren Lands
Sunday, August 28, 2011
What if having friendships hurts others more than it hurts you.
I'm stuck between taking faith in believing things will be well if I pull through on the long run, on the other risk hurting them through it.
Should I continue persevering at the expense of others? Should I ask them to hold on? Or should I just abandon everything before things get worse. Hope is meant to be a secured anticipation of a definite good in due time, and I'm willing to take that pain. As much as I like to be positive, sometimes I think only in my perspective, and forget what it's like for others. Maybe others aren't as hopeful as me. Or maybe others aren't a fool like me. But then will hope pay off?
I'm trying, am I? Or is being flawed a simple excuse to escape the duties. What if, friendship was merely a game of survival for me, grabbing on to those I need and discarding those I little use of. Yet in a series of perpetual neglect that bugs every relationship. Sometimes I seriously, have no idea on what to do. But what if friendship does mean something to me, something I know I'll keep locked in my heart locked throughout everything. What if I am lacking in needs and understanding of such bonds. What ifs. It could be either or both, but would it matter?
Others. Thinking for others. I'm trying to figure out how, though 99% it ends up turning to me. This would indeed be a character flaw knowing the times I should hold my piece and yet I do it. Yet as well seemingly significant part of something I'm not doing that causes the conflicts, something which I lack understanding of what, how and why.
I don't know. This morning I smiled at a pair of best friends and thought to myself, indeed, there will always a someone for somebody, well almost, ideally. And yet daily I have been struggling if i'm deserve having friends.
As much as I'm not supposed to keep thinking about myself and the hurts of others, the difficulty comes when I've done something to someone by not doing something. Yeap. Figured the basics guidelines roughly and I'm trying in my effort to do them though it gets tiring.
Two people, I have come to love, yet forbidden to say so, and yet too disgustingly weak to carry out the token of it. In extremes, I have never done anything out of my personal self for anyone these much. Though one less than another, all these efforts... are beyond me. But maybe it comes a time where weaknesses becomes bullshit, and in the end I'm just nothing but a selfish asshole. To them, I probably dont see the picture. To me, yes indeed I don't see any picture.
What would be right, cutting it off from here so it'll be a short blow and none anymore or risking these weaknesses and asking them to wait for me more? I would keep it if i knew how, but for now I see myself unable to sustain any more relationships deeper or further than this.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For as much as so I have designed myself to be in a way that would both be beneficial yet detrimental. Seeing the tremendous flaws and issues I have hauled up through my past, didn't want to leave myself in that sorry pathetic state.
And so I've learned, to rearrange parts of me, much like a computer's defragmenter, to piece together all the good parts and place them on the outside. Compressed everything good to the surface and using it to cover up the bad parts so it doesn't affect anyone.
The only redeem I would hope for myself to be, is to be able to bless people with whatever good I have. I wouldn't mind if they come to me for help and then leave after that, I think it be my privilege to be able to use those gifts to bless others. No need for any of bad parts to pull down people. And it has indeed served me well, to be able to focus on helping many people around has been such a great joy. Though it gets troublesome when they try to make friends with me. I know the process only too well.
I've shifted my focus to fortifying the outside of me. It's wrong to call it a facade, it's everything real of me, just with the flaws filtered. Many see me as a capable, sociable, influential person, someone you might wanna be friends with. I only can make a good first impression, and then everything afterwards is downhill.
Thus the outer reins, perfecting everything thats required for a favourable short term touch. I never intended for people to come closer. I'm a stark contrast to what people might normally expect me to be mostly a gaping hole left of old hurts and missing needs. Needs that have concentrated to a massive bulk after awhile, needs that was meant for the family to meet, needs that shouldn't be imposed on people around.
And so here's the bad part. Having isolated this side of me, it has much been underdeveloped, often hidden and malnourished from social touch. That part of me, a broken person. Protecting people from myself also meant protecting from possible help, and I guess that's just how I grew up.
The point is, I'm only nice and shiny on the outside but all shriveled at weak deep inside. To repot all the nice flowers on the exterior and everything not nice to the back. Like these ugly editted picture haha.
Yea, it's nice and rosy as it seems, but the further you venture, the harder it gets to endure, the harshness of a barren land beats down on anyone who enters. People have trod and people have left, one after the other. Even till they hated me. Both of them. Set up safety boundaries to protect people from coming too close.
And this is why subjectively, I dont really accept fully when people praise me. I don't think they know me, or at least if it refers to the exterior, if not then it surely does not apply to my whole. Me, good? ha, I guess it only meant the outside. Only till they stepped in will they realize, I'm not the good person they think me to be.
Suddenly I cant help but fall back into those thoughts. Me being loved wholly for who I am... humans, nah. God hopefully. These be the last bonds I hold and never more, till I trust myself again.
Labels: EMO, Me, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Barren Lands
Sunday, August 28, 2011
What if having friendships hurts others more than it hurts you.
I'm stuck between taking faith in believing things will be well if I pull through on the long run, on the other risk hurting them through it.
Should I continue persevering at the expense of others? Should I ask them to hold on? Or should I just abandon everything before things get worse. Hope is meant to be a secured anticipation of a definite good in due time, and I'm willing to take that pain. As much as I like to be positive, sometimes I think only in my perspective, and forget what it's like for others. Maybe others aren't as hopeful as me. Or maybe others aren't a fool like me. But then will hope pay off?
I'm trying, am I? Or is being flawed a simple excuse to escape the duties. What if, friendship was merely a game of survival for me, grabbing on to those I need and discarding those I little use of. Yet in a series of perpetual neglect that bugs every relationship. Sometimes I seriously, have no idea on what to do. But what if friendship does mean something to me, something I know I'll keep locked in my heart locked throughout everything. What if I am lacking in needs and understanding of such bonds. What ifs. It could be either or both, but would it matter?
Others. Thinking for others. I'm trying to figure out how, though 99% it ends up turning to me. This would indeed be a character flaw knowing the times I should hold my piece and yet I do it. Yet as well seemingly significant part of something I'm not doing that causes the conflicts, something which I lack understanding of what, how and why.
I don't know. This morning I smiled at a pair of best friends and thought to myself, indeed, there will always a someone for somebody, well almost, ideally. And yet daily I have been struggling if i'm deserve having friends.
As much as I'm not supposed to keep thinking about myself and the hurts of others, the difficulty comes when I've done something to someone by not doing something. Yeap. Figured the basics guidelines roughly and I'm trying in my effort to do them though it gets tiring.
Two people, I have come to love, yet forbidden to say so, and yet too disgustingly weak to carry out the token of it. In extremes, I have never done anything out of my personal self for anyone these much. Though one less than another, all these efforts... are beyond me. But maybe it comes a time where weaknesses becomes bullshit, and in the end I'm just nothing but a selfish asshole. To them, I probably dont see the picture. To me, yes indeed I don't see any picture.
What would be right, cutting it off from here so it'll be a short blow and none anymore or risking these weaknesses and asking them to wait for me more? I would keep it if i knew how, but for now I see myself unable to sustain any more relationships deeper or further than this.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For as much as so I have designed myself to be in a way that would both be beneficial yet detrimental. Seeing the tremendous flaws and issues I have hauled up through my past, didn't want to leave myself in that sorry pathetic state.
And so I've learned, to rearrange parts of me, much like a computer's defragmenter, to piece together all the good parts and place them on the outside. Compressed everything good to the surface and using it to cover up the bad parts so it doesn't affect anyone.
The only redeem I would hope for myself to be, is to be able to bless people with whatever good I have. I wouldn't mind if they come to me for help and then leave after that, I think it be my privilege to be able to use those gifts to bless others. No need for any of bad parts to pull down people. And it has indeed served me well, to be able to focus on helping many people around has been such a great joy. Though it gets troublesome when they try to make friends with me. I know the process only too well.
I've shifted my focus to fortifying the outside of me. It's wrong to call it a facade, it's everything real of me, just with the flaws filtered. Many see me as a capable, sociable, influential person, someone you might wanna be friends with. I only can make a good first impression, and then everything afterwards is downhill.
Thus the outer reins, perfecting everything thats required for a favourable short term touch. I never intended for people to come closer. I'm a stark contrast to what people might normally expect me to be mostly a gaping hole left of old hurts and missing needs. Needs that have concentrated to a massive bulk after awhile, needs that was meant for the family to meet, needs that shouldn't be imposed on people around.
And so here's the bad part. Having isolated this side of me, it has much been underdeveloped, often hidden and malnourished from social touch. That part of me, a broken person. Protecting people from myself also meant protecting from possible help, and I guess that's just how I grew up.
The point is, I'm only nice and shiny on the outside but all shriveled at weak deep inside. To repot all the nice flowers on the exterior and everything not nice to the back. Like these ugly editted picture haha.
Yea, it's nice and rosy as it seems, but the further you venture, the harder it gets to endure, the harshness of a barren land beats down on anyone who enters. People have trod and people have left, one after the other. Even till they hated me. Both of them. Set up safety boundaries to protect people from coming too close.
And this is why subjectively, I dont really accept fully when people praise me. I don't think they know me, or at least if it refers to the exterior, if not then it surely does not apply to my whole. Me, good? ha, I guess it only meant the outside. Only till they stepped in will they realize, I'm not the good person they think me to be.
Suddenly I cant help but fall back into those thoughts. Me being loved wholly for who I am... humans, nah. God hopefully. These be the last bonds I hold and never more, till I trust myself again.
Labels: EMO, Me, thoughts
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