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Broken Promises
Friday, April 22, 2011

Heh. I broke another promise again. Caused hurts. Hope you're better, the responsibility is mine.

But owells. Ironically pointless as it is, now I'm having my own damages to. Not sure how to believe in myself again. Sensitive spot for you, sensitive spot for me too ._. Hurt someone again. Despite it being such a simple thing, I failed. Well, I failed to fulfill something I said I would.

It doesnt make me feel any better knowing I failed. But of course at such a time, it's totally stupid if I were to focus on myself but ahh damn it. I'm not strong enough to look past myself sorry.

Promises. Something I terribly hate to make. Or commitments. I'm someone who often wont give a definitive yes to many things. Outings, commitment, promises. Just a "maybe, hopefully".

Promises are something important to me as well. I never like once the idea of giving false hope to anyone. I hate it that someone's hope is played out. Which is why I never like giving them my word. I know full well that I'm most likely to fail it.

I'm sure there's gonna be the statement of if its important then I should remember. Another is of as simple as making more effort to remember it. But heh. Guess what, both is very well a problem for me. Things always slip of my mind. Somehow. I have forgotten important things countless times, and for the effort of reminders and trying to remember, guess what? I forget them just as well. I make a note I forget to look at it. Yea.

And for that reason why I'm hesitant when it comes to promises. It's not that I'm insincere. Its because I'm sincere hence I don't dare put others at possible risk of hurts. Knowing full well, my flaws and being, and of how I forget things that easily. And also for that which is why I'm impatient. I want to do things now, because I'm likely to forget it soon after. Which I don't want.

And then all these sums up into being someone that doesnt give a sense of assurance or security or insincere in my ways. I'm afraid I might fail people, and hence I dont give full assurance least I raise hopes only to send them crashing further down. When when people tell me I'm not doing enough, I take a chance in believing in myself, hoping that I can succeed in these words I said I would do, sometimes a gamble. And when I fail, I end up hurting others, and appearing untrustworthy and insincere. When I want things to work out as soon as it can, im not being sincere again because I'm not bothering to wait. Either way no matter how I work round it, my failure brings me back to the same result, both in ways that I sincerely do my best and times I fail completely.

One reasons for turning myself into a half-assed friend that appears and disappears. I don't like commitment, I dont like the expectations or thoughts that I will always be there or a friend, and I very much detest the fact that I hurt others whenever I fail to deliver what I made them hoped in.

Sure enough, all these can be just excuses to cover my ass. I'm in no position to defend myself. I failed to begin with. Hais. Yet somehow, as easy as it seems I cant get myself over this stumbling block.

I really hate it. Failing is fine. Failing and hurting or affecting others is not fine to me. Hais, next time, screw all this promises. Hoping I can do it is pointless, the risk is too big. Similarly, if I'm not confident I can do it, then I'm not gonna promise it. Need to make sure I'm good enough before I give it. People may see me as someone insincere, un-assuring, and someone unreliable but I guess its just too bad for me then. It beats causing them those hurts. If only they knew though.


And for you, I wont promise not to make empty promises again, but I can only say I'll try never to. Its a sensitive spot for you and I dont want to be stirring it. Maybe you'll feel me as someone insincere, but I hope you'd understand this is as sincere as it gets, no promises, no chance for hurts. Besides, really, I'm not someone worth betting your hopes on. Sorry, you should find someone better instead.

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