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Goodbye All.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ok, I didn't think of it this way, and I'm not diffusing the blame, but its just that wow. it's my fault again.

This time when I said they left, I thought pretty sure It wasn't me who left this time. Guess what, now it's me who chased them away. Bummer.

Really. To all of you who said I'm a good friend, complimented me on the person I am, told me that I was good. Were you all sure you know who you were saying those words to? All of you. Everyone. Telling me, I'm good, I'm a friend. That failing is nothing. Sure. I understand your intentions. And i'm grateful.

But from now on. Stop telling me I'm a friend. I gave it up once, and you ppl gave me that hope, and right now again, I failed. Clearly it shows I don't deserve the status as a friend. And for all those that thinks im some great person, you just havent seen me enough, or know me better.

This has been going on and on like since forever. Each time I continue to try, I only fail again, and end up hurting people. Edison failed 1000 times before he got the lightbulb yes, but that's only because he finally invented the lighbulb. Imagine if he never did came around it, imagine if he stopped at 999 or 1999, or that thru his whole life, he never got it working. Would he be as recognised and know for the bulb as if he succeeded. These people are known only because they succeeded. No one tells you stories of people trying over and over and over again but never worked anything out. Most of them are known as fools. Like me.

You keep telling me, I’ve my good. But so what, I’ve done harm as well, and more. You say you wanna get people to say out my good, why don’t you try getting them to point out my bad, and we see which amounts to more. Even if you can get a high score of the list of good, it only proves one thing; all the more I should stay around from others. Because it’s always the people that’s closer that gets hurt by me.

I don't want to keep hurting people. Thus far, everyone that has gotten close enough to me has bled already, and hence I keep majority of the people at a distance. Even the nicest & most loving person I've ever met, the one who reached deepest into my heart, is still hurting nonetheless. It's always them giving in to me. Making do with the way I am. Yet I'm never strong enough for any of them. It isn't fair for them. Some many good people, getting some kind of shithead like me, they don't deserve it really.

I want to change. I really want to. I don't know how to. And those which I know, I somehow cant. I've caused more pain to those I love than joy. You know. I had enough of this. I had enough of me hurting people. I had enough of me thinking I'm good in any way. I had enough of false hopes thinking I can do it. Just forget everything ok. Forget me.

At least, by keeping everyone at a safe distance, they get my good parts and not any of my bad. If I only learn how to kill myself from inside, then no one will be hurt by me. I'll only have to die, and there wont be any more pain. No one else will have to hurt if they never know me. Then I can just be a shadow, doing things for others. All without the pain.

I'm sorry for whatever wrong I did that chased you all away. Maybe it's a good thing. Don't come back and you wont have to be hurt. Yea, go away, everyone of you. Just leave me be.

God, maybe this would seem like an insult to you, but why, why am I someone that brings so much trouble and hurts to the people around me. Why cant I just be someone good, decent, someone that will bless others. Or if not, why cant I just stop being me, become purely selfless, and have no focus on me. I don't mind being a robot if it's for blessing others. But, why, why must I be a human?

And to all those who cared and gave me chances. Thanks for being my friends. Thanks for giving me that privilege of friendship, thanks for accepting me. Thanks for believing in me. Thanks for allowing me the sweet bliss of friendship. Sorry for not appreciating you, sorry for not remembering you, sorry for not reciprocating, sorry for giving you trouble.

I appreciate your intentions, but... Stop. Stop telling all those nice words, they don't mean a thing if you haven't seen the whole of me. I'm not worth it either. I'm not fit to be anyone's friend.

Goodbye all.

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