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The day I lost my heart
Thursday, February 3, 2011

Ok, after a bit of thinking. This will be my final post about you. Not that I'm forgetting you. I wont. Just that, it's the last bit of that side I'll show to you, gonna write it else where hidden. I'll just leave you with the good parts.

All the hurts. It's a game of tug and war. I don't know how it triggers, but it always ends up as a cascade of hurts. you feel hurt becos you think you hurt me, I feel hurt cos I think I hurt you. And it goes on and on. Someone has to take the initiative to stop.

I dont want to be seen as noble or better. Just that I find, I'm always the one that have to put aside my pain to come back to you, so that it stops the chain reaction. I'm not blaming you. I'm just being immature. Taking far too long to do what I need to do, whether selfless or not, when I finally do, there's already a whole lot of damage done. I need to learn to eat the humble pie. Stop dwelling on my hurts, cos it's hurting you.

I hope you would understand. This is how everything seems to me. It often starts by me sharing some difficulties about you. But it's just difficulties, I get them with everyone. It's not anyone's fault, it's just me having to learn. And I never saw you as a burden, or a hurt. You take those words, feel like you're a burden to me, and then to prevent me from getting hurt, you close up and push me away. As for me, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. The only thing I know is the hurt starts whenever you do that. and it get's excruciatingly painful the more you do it. And then I express more hurts, and then so do you.

You probably really dont want to hurt me. But it's whenever you do what you think is to "protect" me, by cutting me off so I wont be hurt, is where all the hurt begins. Maybe you think that by we being apart, I cant be hurt by you. I cant emphasize how much your actions of not hurting me is the one doing the most, and only damage.

Sometimes, it seems you don't care about me hurting at all. You only care about you getting hurt by feeling you've hurt someone. My hurts is only a trigger to your pain, and you don't want that. But you never really cared about me.

Stop saying it's not my fault. Stop trying to be nice. In this hurt game, if you're the one that starts hurting first, it means I'm the trigger. I'm at fault too. By me dwelling in my own pain, I only cause you more. But I think my biggest wrong, is making you feel like you're a burden when in reality, you're not. Despite whatever I do, if you cant understand that, then it's my fault for not communicating it well. I hardly look into your own pains as to how I might trigger them, and then think I'm expressing everything to be honest with you. But maybe honesty doesn't work at all times. I never considered how it would affect you. I gave you something beyond what you could handle.

So yea, someone has to stop this hurt game. I'll do it alright. And this is the last time I'll be honest about my pains to you, in my final hope that you'll understand what you intended. I'll do what you want. I'll stay away from you, and let you be closed. Cause I'm causing you the hurt. If I dont show anything, then you wont be hurt either. Yea, so its better if I bear the pain alone in silence. If it makes you feel better.

It seems like as though I'm playing the same game as you. Closing up to prevent the other person from hurting. I wonder if you'll be hurt like I did. I think it will, but I hope it doesnt. I'm not doing this for revenge. But I hope you'll understand, that if you truly do love me, that the pain of being pushed away is excruciatingly piercing.

I wonder if you'll ever stop. Stop, and really care about me. To understand what is really hurting me. But I guess I should stop trying to make this work. Only hurting you more. You know. if we really look at it from the bigger picture. You never were any burden to me. But maybe I was...

Just go alright. just that you know, stop saying you love me, or don't want to hurt me. Really. Because you're only concerned about yourself. You've never really seen or understand where and how I got hurt. I'm fine if you're only concerned about yourself. I only selfishly ask that, please, spare me my feelings. I don't expect you to love me in return, just that when you say all those things, it rekindles that hope in me. don't tell me you dont want me to hurt, when your actions do so.

Hais. I don't know if now what I say qualifies as loving you, now that I've stop being with you. I'm not sure if this will be the best. But I want to tell you, I never will give up on you. I never ever thought of you as a burden either. It was just me coming to understand the terms of love.

You'll probably feel all hurt again after reading this. You've not hurting because you feel you hurt me. It's because you think you're a burden, a pain, when you never were. I hope you'll realize that none of that was ever real.

And so, I guess this ends our story. I will continue it on my own, in the dark. Love costs, and this will be my biggest price, learning how to let go. I'll be waiting for you, for the day, maybe you'd love me back. Pain as it will be, I'll be watching over you, loving you, from wherever I am. I hope life gets better for you.

Love, Nico.

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