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My First Love
Saturday, January 8, 2011

It's like any romance movie. We fight and we break, but we come back together after the heat's down and patch up.

I wonder if it was a good thing. Perhaps things finally got too much for you, you had to let it out. Because I finally found the answers I were looking for. To your thoughts, your feelings. About all that we've gone through.

I've found some answers of my own too. I didn't know my reason for loving you. He suggested if there was more to it, and at every angle I looked, I only saw love, somewhat. Until, I saw where it begin.

You were the first one I had opened my heart to unknowingly. Through the first season of our friendship, I guess it had been budding already. I remembered, part of what was conflicting inside me, was the fear of myself opening to you, which I felt was happening, and I didn't want so.

Opening my heart meant unlocking that inner chambers deep within. The part which stored all the love. A lost part of me since years ago. The human part of me which allowed my functioning of a real life, rather than a scripted pre-programmed one.

I guess in a way, you're my first love. Way before the guys. Someone whom I unlocked my heart to, allowing the essence of love to fill my veins again. And to you, my under-develop love slowly grew. I resisted it, but that selfless part kicked in and kept me growing.

I'm really not good at it, connecting and such, and with a really low capacity as well, but I'm trying to learn. We've been through quite a deal, both together and individually. There were moments of hurts but I still want to continue loving you no matter what, even if it's gonna be quite painful. Because I love you, and all the pain doesn't even measure up to that.

And yea, that I might learn how to receive love as well. Something which I hardly feel, and don't know how to. Not something I receive regularly, and a longing I've grown numb to.

Today, I'll say, I love you. I really do. Even though it's filled with intense feelings I don't quite understand, I know that the essence of it is there, and I take faith in believing it. I may not know how to do it right or well, but I'm still learning, and overcoming that awkward feeling in me as well. It's weird I'll say, and it makes me uneasy all the time, but I'll take that step, in fully unlocking that shelved part, and taking the faith to embrace it.

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