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Birthday Bash
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Hmm. This year's birthday has been interesting. Fading in between both the good and bad, but ultimately good =)14th Jan,Overslept for school, and accidentally made zx wait at the train station for nothing because of some miscommunication. dang. Mm, class celebrated my birthday in lecture, getting me uneccesary attention from Mr seong patty~ xD Got qutie a few gifts from everyone. Afterwards had lunch with the T01 guys. At night hanged out with the juniors and finally went out with zx, leaving the school at 9+To be honest, it was a hurting disappointment. I felt it was stupid to raise my hopes despite past experiences. Well, I don't really hold any meaning to my birthday, aside for the slight possibility that people would somewhat do something special for me on that day. In a certain way, I kinda hoped I can be made special by people around me. Maybe that in a desire for to have a focus on me, but not because it was my birthday, but a wanted focus on me, for me, in a partial selfish sense. And in my works of learning how to receive, I tried to have hope again. And it hurt, like shit.To be fair, I felt that, at least people did made an effort to do something, maybe in terms of celebration. But despite everything, I felt like in the end, no one was really there for me. It felt more like a ritual. Even with all my plans I had, there wasn't anyone to spend it with. Maybe it was kinda like last year, where everyone was busy? That loneliness...Out of all this, had to struggle to keep strong, by focusing on the things I could do for others. Was pretty encouraging when I sent out nice stuff to people, and they replied that I should be the one receiving and not giving, and I'm glad because I wanted that message put across. Even if one had the right to get things, it still isn't impossible to be the one giving. (Not neglecting the need for receiving of course.) Just hoped that for all the messages I sent in return, people will be impacted by it.When zx was done with meeting at 9, kinda felt sad and a bit annoyed HAHA he promised me 1.5 hours earlier, but I'm over it, and it wasn't his fault anyway. Just that looking back, I felt like my day was wasted hoping again, and now, even that I'm with him, I didn't have any time left to anything.Made it down to downtown east to snack at Popeyes's. Spend some final moments with him. Zx, I really wanna thank you. Though I didn't really get to celebrate my birthday in a non-ritualistic-heartfelt way, I felt that at least in the very end, there was someone there for me, which completed everything I needed, (the rest were all just wants lol) but yea. The day may have been a disappointment, but I'm grateful to you for the very final moment. and lol you. I emoed on your birthday and you emoed on mine, I guess that makes it fair eh ? haha...15th Jan...promised something better. Something from the hiclub people, and a possible thing for some friends.Hiclub had a video made by the juniors if Im not wrong. It wasn't very big, but heh. Felt really touched by their efforts. Haha, in a way, was hmm wow =P I didn't know I mean something to the juniors ._. But hmm, one of the really big part that touched my heart was when the final scene of the main comm people wishing me. That quite struck me. Dunno. Maybe I didn't think I felt valued by them, despite with my crazy antics and naggy complaints, but with a real sincere heart for the main comm. Whether they did it out of obligation/jumping bandwagon or because they genuinely wanted to, I just felt at the moment, it meant something to me ._.The meeting afterwards wasn't very much birthday-ish, but I guess I was used to it already, kinda stop expecting. Just something triggered when I had to choose somewhere to eat being my birthday. Felt like the birthday thing was abused because it wasn't even treated as one, neither did I wanted an obligatory celebration. Just felt like it gave me a certain false hope ._.Got pissed off at the dinner actually. Felt like nothing good was being made there, with people holding back, together with the understanding of other stuff. But it was like, I've waited for this day to come, and in a certain way, there was supposed to be an objective, set from the past, for an effort to progress the friendship. But, heh, guess we've lost that connection, like zx said. In the end, felt like I could have used my time better to be writing my messages for people, rather than sit around at a table not doing anything. Zx said I was kinda too involved with Timothy or gave the impression so, it's partially my fault too. But heh. Slightly disappointed I guess. Though to be fair, I didn't really gave anyone the proper chance to do anything, So I shouldn't judge them heh?But hey, really had a proper solid thrash talk with timothy. The best of them all. After the toilet break when the girls left and I returned early to tell Timothy the truth. From there it went waaay deep into new grounds for both of us. Though I felt pretty bad that I neglected the rest. Just felt like grabbing that rare opportunity. Besides that, I kinda feel like giving up on the group. Feel tired trying to push from my side when no one's reciprocating. I acknowledge that hey, I may not have the right methods or know-hows, and maybe some of them, but with the right heart, it takes just one to make the first step and the others to contribute into making something happen, kinda like what we did before. But heh. I dunno, I aint trying anymore anytime soon until I find the strength to do so... Feel like an idiot. Though zx finds that hope through me, I dunno. What if I was that glue? But hey, it'll be kinda like what he face heh? The painful struggles of pulling through and maybe when it reaches that breakthrough, hey ho, everyone glad and happy, but nobody really gives a damn about the pain someone has to go through it fight for this. But heh, see first luh. If anyone wants anything done, it's their turn to prompt. Oh yea, got some birthday notes from the people around and feel really touched... Heh. .__. some of them writing about my impact in their lives. Argh, that sore spot. Haha, I feel like crying now =P Thanks guys. thanks really a lot. Gonna find you all one by one, and give ya something more in return. It's my culture to. But... really. hahax. that feeling in me cant be described in words... thanks.
Labels: frenz, heart, memories, qq, zx
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Birthday Bash
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Hmm. This year's birthday has been interesting. Fading in between both the good and bad, but ultimately good =)14th Jan,Overslept for school, and accidentally made zx wait at the train station for nothing because of some miscommunication. dang. Mm, class celebrated my birthday in lecture, getting me uneccesary attention from Mr seong patty~ xD Got qutie a few gifts from everyone. Afterwards had lunch with the T01 guys. At night hanged out with the juniors and finally went out with zx, leaving the school at 9+To be honest, it was a hurting disappointment. I felt it was stupid to raise my hopes despite past experiences. Well, I don't really hold any meaning to my birthday, aside for the slight possibility that people would somewhat do something special for me on that day. In a certain way, I kinda hoped I can be made special by people around me. Maybe that in a desire for to have a focus on me, but not because it was my birthday, but a wanted focus on me, for me, in a partial selfish sense. And in my works of learning how to receive, I tried to have hope again. And it hurt, like shit.To be fair, I felt that, at least people did made an effort to do something, maybe in terms of celebration. But despite everything, I felt like in the end, no one was really there for me. It felt more like a ritual. Even with all my plans I had, there wasn't anyone to spend it with. Maybe it was kinda like last year, where everyone was busy? That loneliness...Out of all this, had to struggle to keep strong, by focusing on the things I could do for others. Was pretty encouraging when I sent out nice stuff to people, and they replied that I should be the one receiving and not giving, and I'm glad because I wanted that message put across. Even if one had the right to get things, it still isn't impossible to be the one giving. (Not neglecting the need for receiving of course.) Just hoped that for all the messages I sent in return, people will be impacted by it.When zx was done with meeting at 9, kinda felt sad and a bit annoyed HAHA he promised me 1.5 hours earlier, but I'm over it, and it wasn't his fault anyway. Just that looking back, I felt like my day was wasted hoping again, and now, even that I'm with him, I didn't have any time left to anything.Made it down to downtown east to snack at Popeyes's. Spend some final moments with him. Zx, I really wanna thank you. Though I didn't really get to celebrate my birthday in a non-ritualistic-heartfelt way, I felt that at least in the very end, there was someone there for me, which completed everything I needed, (the rest were all just wants lol) but yea. The day may have been a disappointment, but I'm grateful to you for the very final moment. and lol you. I emoed on your birthday and you emoed on mine, I guess that makes it fair eh ? haha...15th Jan...promised something better. Something from the hiclub people, and a possible thing for some friends.Hiclub had a video made by the juniors if Im not wrong. It wasn't very big, but heh. Felt really touched by their efforts. Haha, in a way, was hmm wow =P I didn't know I mean something to the juniors ._. But hmm, one of the really big part that touched my heart was when the final scene of the main comm people wishing me. That quite struck me. Dunno. Maybe I didn't think I felt valued by them, despite with my crazy antics and naggy complaints, but with a real sincere heart for the main comm. Whether they did it out of obligation/jumping bandwagon or because they genuinely wanted to, I just felt at the moment, it meant something to me ._.The meeting afterwards wasn't very much birthday-ish, but I guess I was used to it already, kinda stop expecting. Just something triggered when I had to choose somewhere to eat being my birthday. Felt like the birthday thing was abused because it wasn't even treated as one, neither did I wanted an obligatory celebration. Just felt like it gave me a certain false hope ._.Got pissed off at the dinner actually. Felt like nothing good was being made there, with people holding back, together with the understanding of other stuff. But it was like, I've waited for this day to come, and in a certain way, there was supposed to be an objective, set from the past, for an effort to progress the friendship. But, heh, guess we've lost that connection, like zx said. In the end, felt like I could have used my time better to be writing my messages for people, rather than sit around at a table not doing anything. Zx said I was kinda too involved with Timothy or gave the impression so, it's partially my fault too. But heh. Slightly disappointed I guess. Though to be fair, I didn't really gave anyone the proper chance to do anything, So I shouldn't judge them heh?But hey, really had a proper solid thrash talk with timothy. The best of them all. After the toilet break when the girls left and I returned early to tell Timothy the truth. From there it went waaay deep into new grounds for both of us. Though I felt pretty bad that I neglected the rest. Just felt like grabbing that rare opportunity. Besides that, I kinda feel like giving up on the group. Feel tired trying to push from my side when no one's reciprocating. I acknowledge that hey, I may not have the right methods or know-hows, and maybe some of them, but with the right heart, it takes just one to make the first step and the others to contribute into making something happen, kinda like what we did before. But heh. I dunno, I aint trying anymore anytime soon until I find the strength to do so... Feel like an idiot. Though zx finds that hope through me, I dunno. What if I was that glue? But hey, it'll be kinda like what he face heh? The painful struggles of pulling through and maybe when it reaches that breakthrough, hey ho, everyone glad and happy, but nobody really gives a damn about the pain someone has to go through it fight for this. But heh, see first luh. If anyone wants anything done, it's their turn to prompt. Oh yea, got some birthday notes from the people around and feel really touched... Heh. .__. some of them writing about my impact in their lives. Argh, that sore spot. Haha, I feel like crying now =P Thanks guys. thanks really a lot. Gonna find you all one by one, and give ya something more in return. It's my culture to. But... really. hahax. that feeling in me cant be described in words... thanks.
Labels: frenz, heart, memories, qq, zx
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