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Ten Plus One
Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Heh, with the recent events, old wounds have been dug up again. Main comm. Been asked numerous times about why I'm not in the leadership camp or in AGM. Maybe what makes it more painful is that they expected me to be there? =/ I often answer them with a forced smile, "oh that cause it's intended for you juniors." Whereas, some where deep down, my answer was "that's because I'm not in the main comm."

Think it's both a good and bad thing that some people see me almost equivalent to the main comm. It lightens me to know that people see me in high regard, yet at the same time, pains me whenever I feel that it's only a image. I'm just another member. Maybe a way more enthu one. Yet in the best of my heart I can manage, I make everything I do for Hiclub as best I can, though frustrated with my limited power.

I secretly watched the main comm as they had their meeting yesterday. Inside me, I felt a sense of happiness. Finally, be it only my delusions, I felt a slight inkling of connection with them, even if it meant watching from the shadows. Always felt as though I was a separate entity from them.

We all had the heart for Hiclub. Yet through the links of status, a separate community was inevitably formed, out of my inclusion. The family I grew up with, now together, yet I cant be at the same level with the rest of them. All I can is fight off the constant thought of how we, are the same, yet not the same. Same batch, same friends, same experience. Different places.

Hiding for more than 4 hours, I had plenty of time for imaginations, as I often do. It led me throught the thoughts of "what if's...?" What if, I was in the main comm, discussing all the matters with them, planning important events, charting out the future for Hi Club.

Snapped back to reality as I watch them laughed together. The thing is, I wasn't any main comm, neither did the slightest inch of possibility ever existed for it to restore. In the end, I was only an outsider, shamelessly hiding in the dark, watching, living in a mix of dashed dreams and self pity.

I wonder back to myself, how things could be different if I was in the comm. But then, I can't just see the supposed good I think I can, and neglect what someone else could have done with the same position as well.

I have various unresolved thoughts concerning me and the main comm. Why was I not chosen for it? At least in current terms, I would fit the role of a main comm well? Did I "mature" too late? Was my attitude too bad back then? Did I lack the capabilities? Even if I could replace one, who was I supposed to replace? Or that there's no role suited or left for me? Do I have the right to compare myself with any other main comm? And then begets the old question, was it a case of bias, that an injustice was done to me?

These answers I hope and know I'll have to get because I don't to move on with all these unresolved issues and answers I never get to find. I'd hunt you down, and you better not withhold what's rightfully owed to me; an explanation.

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