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I'm not so good afterall
Saturday, November 27, 2010

Gonna be a weird post but heh.

I'm not so good afterall.

I think it's _____ (fill in a awesomely positive adjective here) that I somewhat good inside. For every crappy shitty bit that I am, was, and might be in the future, there's this component inside that somewhat redeems me for all the suckiness I'm made off.

Maybe let's call this the "good guy". It's some what in times where I'm at my worst, this part of me surfaces. Well not exactly surfaces. Maybe hidden inside. But ever since who-knows-when, it has be harassing me much more.

Yeap, harass. Cos it's like a voice inside me, telling me to look up when I'm down, to push on when I'm tired, to face the truth when I'm in lies, to care even when I don't like it, to encourage me to do something out of my comfort zone, heeey maybe it's God :D

But argh. lol. It's times like whenever I emo, there'll be this little voice telling me all the stuff im exaggerating, or all the negatives crap I'm trying to fill my mind with, and what though may not seem present, but would be undoubtedly the truth (though still with much doubts).

Heh, it's awesome really, of course, to have someone/something keeping you on track. To be on about doing the right thing and stuff. But heh, sometimes it get's awfully tiring and maybe lonely.

True, the focus is on myself, and I know I should be thinking less about me and more on God and the people around, but out of the humanness of my flesh, I speak.

It's tough doing the right thing, fighting against the flesh. Others get to enjoy the naturally pleasurable outcome of doing something "wrong". Sometimes it even gets lonely, when I gotta stand up and do what's right, regardless of the outcome. It's painful to let go of all my own wants, and in a bid to not be selfish, forgo the things I'd liked, wished, and always wanted. It'll be as easy as another, jumping into a delusional way of taking their problems, emoing, passive aggression depression, selfish lifestyle of a heck care attitude for anyone, or maybe involving another life, perhaps possibly ruining it, feasting into all sorts of self-centered matters of living in problems. It's easy to just give up and let things be, selfishly screw up not only my life, but unavoidably affecting those around me as well. It's hard to stand up, when I'm tired, or alone. It's tiring to keep up the works when it's one-sided. It's hard to keep my past from easily negatively influencing my present. It's challenging for me to do something right/good, even though there's so much fear's holding me back against it. It's hard to not succumb the emotions that pour in when I feel troubled or melancholic. It's difficult for me to keep trying to build relationships with others, despite my crappy capacity for sociability. It's hard to do something notably nice for someone, and having to restrain it within a big smile, to avoid stealing the glory, or worse still, in moments when I'm misunderstood. It's hard to continue doing something, especially when it's not reciprocated. It's difficult to keep standing when I get more negative feedback than appreciation about doing what's right just because it's easier to complain than to affirm. It's hard facing up to the truth to all my problems, and knowing I need to do something about it because it's not doing any good for me. It's hard trying to be good.


Nah, I'm not saying like I'm a good person, or even anything towards it. I'm sure we all struggle with being and doing what's right. There's awfully lots of time where I lose the battle to myself. I know it's weird, but sometimes, I'd wished these "good" side of me, wouldn't get the better of me all the time, even though I secretly know its good for me. I sometimes wished I wouldn't be that good either. Or maybe, I wonder, how good am I really. And if I am, do people see that as part of me already there, or maybe something I confront against daily.

But it brings me back to the question, who am I doing this for? Me? So that I have some sense of significance of being in someone's life? I dreadfully hope not, or for every time it surfaces, to realign it for something true and proper. It's simply because the love of God warrants me to live my life right and in accountability to Him, and secondly to love people around me the way God does, instead of staying in where feels comfy and easy, or merely loving those who are simple. Love never intends evil, but neither does it stay neutral. It is an active force seeking out goodness in and for another. Love doesn't work passively.

That aside, it's time I return the reigns to him. Yeap ._. Despite all these, haiyoooo, it's good luh. lol, even though it's tough. And argh, it makes it harder that each time I give way to him, it gets stronger and stronger. It's kinda silly how people fight against being bad, I sometimes wage against doing good. But nonetheless trough all the sweat, tears, and blood, I'ma continue on doing what's needed. Many times I fail, maybe a small choice, others a total loss. Pfft. And for whatever mistakes I've made, for everything that I lack, I'll work on it, become better. And nah, I aint any much a good guy actually. Just someone who's tired of the selfishness of life =P

Sometimes, happiness is just one step ahead. But the only thing in it's way is ourselves.

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