|
profile
journal
archives
others
follow+
|
Too Hard For You
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Continuing from the previous post.One reason why I don't open my heart is cause I have this conception in my head that I'm not lovable, both on the fear that I'll be rejected, and that the present love is too good to be true.If I'll be utterly honest, I will just say that, I'm living in a lie that I'm too difficult for people to love. I know it's a lie. I just find it hard to come to terms with. But I'm saying this not to show ppl I'm screwed or I need help, but a message to all, you know, to just be truthful and honest with yourself. You have the answers to your problems inside you, and you know what they are. Don't run away, face them, learn and grow. It's hard but it's necessary for you to grow.Back to me anyways. A little on my history, I grew up without much love, facing lotsa family issues and wasn't socially well to do either. In a quick overall, I faced quite a lot of rejection from the people around me. In the family, I was the much disliked for my tyrant ways at home, resulting in me living a lone and defensive life throughout many years. Outside in the social environment, I was almost no better aside from being just a tad being nicer in valuing people. How ever that didn't stop being from being quite a prick and one horrible irritating jerk, so much so I had to face the ultimate lesson of losing my best friend.From that day, my life crumbled. Hurts created this vacuum inside me that sucked in every bit of love and sealed them away. Never again, had I let anyone into my life, nor my into theirs. And as the days go, while I adjusted to the circle around me, I gradually learnt to draw upon a heavily impersonalized love to relate to others, which often didn't worked, but more of a way to help them. In a way, I was kinda more concerned for their problems than them.In present times, I am still affected greatly by this thought. Always feeling that more me disliked me than otherwise. Or that I had too much burdens for others to bear. I was warned the people around me, not to expect from me, a hidden voice saying, don't trust in me, I'll only fail you. I daren't even believe nor fantasized the fact that people around would love me, not even dream that my people around me valued me in their lives. Bullshit I know, but really, I struggle against these thoughts.Even though I know its wrong, sometimes when I look back into my life, the cumulated amount of disapproval of me outweighs the level of appreciation. People always tell me, but you know, people do enjoy you and like you, true I logically think so, but how much do their actions really prove it. Ready to judge, and show contempt, but always holding back on affirmationSomething someone told me, was to forgive. I've forgiven the people that caused me those hurts, so that shouldn't be an issue. On the other hand, the biggest problem would be, I've never forgiven myself. Never forgiven myself for all the wrong I've done, the stress I've cause, the hearts I've broken. I really find it hard to pardon myself from all the hurts I've caused others, and hence keep myself impersonalized to prevent hurting others more.My current perception of myself, is that I'm way too difficult for anyone to love. I have too much burdens for anyone else to shoulder. My personality is too hard for anyone to accept, my ways of doing things are too much for anyone to adapt. I'm too much for someone to befriend. I'm too deep for someone to understand.You know, I write all these not because I'm emoing. I'm just writing this as an acknowledgment to myself. That I have this lies in my head that are working. But you know the most important thing?I'm gonna make the choice, to overcome this things, to make that difference in my life, because I know I'm made for more than just a bunch of bullshit in my head. I don't care how hard it's gonna be, the amount of awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings there will be, I am and I will be doing it. I'm already making progress; are you? ^^ Labels: heart, Me, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Too Hard For You
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Continuing from the previous post.One reason why I don't open my heart is cause I have this conception in my head that I'm not lovable, both on the fear that I'll be rejected, and that the present love is too good to be true.If I'll be utterly honest, I will just say that, I'm living in a lie that I'm too difficult for people to love. I know it's a lie. I just find it hard to come to terms with. But I'm saying this not to show ppl I'm screwed or I need help, but a message to all, you know, to just be truthful and honest with yourself. You have the answers to your problems inside you, and you know what they are. Don't run away, face them, learn and grow. It's hard but it's necessary for you to grow.Back to me anyways. A little on my history, I grew up without much love, facing lotsa family issues and wasn't socially well to do either. In a quick overall, I faced quite a lot of rejection from the people around me. In the family, I was the much disliked for my tyrant ways at home, resulting in me living a lone and defensive life throughout many years. Outside in the social environment, I was almost no better aside from being just a tad being nicer in valuing people. How ever that didn't stop being from being quite a prick and one horrible irritating jerk, so much so I had to face the ultimate lesson of losing my best friend.From that day, my life crumbled. Hurts created this vacuum inside me that sucked in every bit of love and sealed them away. Never again, had I let anyone into my life, nor my into theirs. And as the days go, while I adjusted to the circle around me, I gradually learnt to draw upon a heavily impersonalized love to relate to others, which often didn't worked, but more of a way to help them. In a way, I was kinda more concerned for their problems than them.In present times, I am still affected greatly by this thought. Always feeling that more me disliked me than otherwise. Or that I had too much burdens for others to bear. I was warned the people around me, not to expect from me, a hidden voice saying, don't trust in me, I'll only fail you. I daren't even believe nor fantasized the fact that people around would love me, not even dream that my people around me valued me in their lives. Bullshit I know, but really, I struggle against these thoughts.Even though I know its wrong, sometimes when I look back into my life, the cumulated amount of disapproval of me outweighs the level of appreciation. People always tell me, but you know, people do enjoy you and like you, true I logically think so, but how much do their actions really prove it. Ready to judge, and show contempt, but always holding back on affirmationSomething someone told me, was to forgive. I've forgiven the people that caused me those hurts, so that shouldn't be an issue. On the other hand, the biggest problem would be, I've never forgiven myself. Never forgiven myself for all the wrong I've done, the stress I've cause, the hearts I've broken. I really find it hard to pardon myself from all the hurts I've caused others, and hence keep myself impersonalized to prevent hurting others more.My current perception of myself, is that I'm way too difficult for anyone to love. I have too much burdens for anyone else to shoulder. My personality is too hard for anyone to accept, my ways of doing things are too much for anyone to adapt. I'm too much for someone to befriend. I'm too deep for someone to understand.You know, I write all these not because I'm emoing. I'm just writing this as an acknowledgment to myself. That I have this lies in my head that are working. But you know the most important thing?I'm gonna make the choice, to overcome this things, to make that difference in my life, because I know I'm made for more than just a bunch of bullshit in my head. I don't care how hard it's gonna be, the amount of awkwardness and uncomfortable feelings there will be, I am and I will be doing it. I'm already making progress; are you? ^^ Labels: heart, Me, thoughts
|
