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Sacrifices of the Heart
Friday, October 29, 2010
It's lunch time now and I'm sitting alone at the clusters. Shoo-ed timothy away cos I just needed some time alone, thanks though.Met the ECH peeps today at the lecture halls. Love them awesome peeps. Cheerful and nice bunch ^^ along with the awkward hugs ahaha. Thanks though =) Helping me open up also. hehex =xAnyway, lagging behind the number of things I wanna post but hey, things struck and yay, I'm full of emotional fuel and motivation to write it then yea. One of the struggles I feel I'll be facing in time to come.2 sems ago, I struggled greatly with the deal that I couldn't be an instructor because of cell. Most people wouldn't understand how much it meant to me, more than just teaching and stuff, but to be part of this family I desired. And even beyond.I struggled with my emotions throughout half the sem, wavering between envy, jealousy, bitterness, anger, and maybe passive acceptance before really coming to terms to it.Once again, it's coming, and twice the blow. Is this an ordeal God is testing me with? To surrender my rights, my desires that my life be not mine but His for His purposes? Cause it hurts. Much.Beginning with cell again clashing with the alumni classes, forfeiting my chance to be part of the community, expanding my skills, and song signing with formation and everything I wanted to do. But yup, cant go, and I probably have to give up this part of me again. Currently I'm feeling nothing towards it, but I can sense the slow tension building as the days draw near, and my aspirations take flight to a realm of nothingness. I'm afraid I'll become redundant, and lose my worth. Not that I want to put down people, but I don't think anyone would understand how much this means to me more than just being in Hi club.Well, that aside, got a new blow to me, when I found out the reshuffling of instructors. Now teaching Basic A with a new partner. I dunno. I was kinda surprised, especially when the reply was because I said I wanted Basic A. True enough, I originally wanted to teach Basic A cause I felt like I could instill the passion in them, at the same time, fearing the increase difficulty in Basic B. But as time went by and I spent more time with the new juniors, I kinda fell in love with them all, and how much they were so homely, I really wanted to see them all and teach them again. With their passion and dynamics as well, I'm sure I could engineer a really good class and impart skills to them, after my maiden attempt at Basic A.And now teaching Basic A would be about kindling flames again, without much skill to play upon or develop. Kinda feel that teaching Basic A would also kinda mean I'll be out of touch with the current juniors, while having to work on the fresh batch. Again, though it isn't much to some, baaah it just cuts the shit outta me having to go through it. Well, he too was forced to teach intermediate, but heh ._. I guess I'm being selfish here, but dang, needing to pump extra into a new batch of students, ohboyz.... But yupz ._. kinda sucked more when I didnt get an empathic reply other than a just, "too bad" and a few more tries of pitying before realizing, I shouldn't be doing it to him.Hais. God, why, why is it that my only current passion in life, that you ask so much sacrifices. I know there will be better things in stored, but the pain of having to let something good go at the moments hurts like crazy. Having to take the faith to give up something so precious and believing something greater to come, easy to say, hard to do.But I don't really have a choice rite, and I don't want to wallow in self pity and stuff. Dear God, please give me the strength to overcome this coming struggle. It's gonna break my heart more than ever. I'll only give you one day to emo and then you need to adjust. Get up and over with it. Look to the future. I'll try, God, please help me. I feel all alone in this =( And it pains like shit. Losing it all to gain something of deeper worth. Faith. Strength. Trust.Labels: God, heart, hi club, sacrifice, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
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Sacrifices of the Heart
Friday, October 29, 2010
It's lunch time now and I'm sitting alone at the clusters. Shoo-ed timothy away cos I just needed some time alone, thanks though.Met the ECH peeps today at the lecture halls. Love them awesome peeps. Cheerful and nice bunch ^^ along with the awkward hugs ahaha. Thanks though =) Helping me open up also. hehex =xAnyway, lagging behind the number of things I wanna post but hey, things struck and yay, I'm full of emotional fuel and motivation to write it then yea. One of the struggles I feel I'll be facing in time to come.2 sems ago, I struggled greatly with the deal that I couldn't be an instructor because of cell. Most people wouldn't understand how much it meant to me, more than just teaching and stuff, but to be part of this family I desired. And even beyond.I struggled with my emotions throughout half the sem, wavering between envy, jealousy, bitterness, anger, and maybe passive acceptance before really coming to terms to it.Once again, it's coming, and twice the blow. Is this an ordeal God is testing me with? To surrender my rights, my desires that my life be not mine but His for His purposes? Cause it hurts. Much.Beginning with cell again clashing with the alumni classes, forfeiting my chance to be part of the community, expanding my skills, and song signing with formation and everything I wanted to do. But yup, cant go, and I probably have to give up this part of me again. Currently I'm feeling nothing towards it, but I can sense the slow tension building as the days draw near, and my aspirations take flight to a realm of nothingness. I'm afraid I'll become redundant, and lose my worth. Not that I want to put down people, but I don't think anyone would understand how much this means to me more than just being in Hi club.Well, that aside, got a new blow to me, when I found out the reshuffling of instructors. Now teaching Basic A with a new partner. I dunno. I was kinda surprised, especially when the reply was because I said I wanted Basic A. True enough, I originally wanted to teach Basic A cause I felt like I could instill the passion in them, at the same time, fearing the increase difficulty in Basic B. But as time went by and I spent more time with the new juniors, I kinda fell in love with them all, and how much they were so homely, I really wanted to see them all and teach them again. With their passion and dynamics as well, I'm sure I could engineer a really good class and impart skills to them, after my maiden attempt at Basic A.And now teaching Basic A would be about kindling flames again, without much skill to play upon or develop. Kinda feel that teaching Basic A would also kinda mean I'll be out of touch with the current juniors, while having to work on the fresh batch. Again, though it isn't much to some, baaah it just cuts the shit outta me having to go through it. Well, he too was forced to teach intermediate, but heh ._. I guess I'm being selfish here, but dang, needing to pump extra into a new batch of students, ohboyz.... But yupz ._. kinda sucked more when I didnt get an empathic reply other than a just, "too bad" and a few more tries of pitying before realizing, I shouldn't be doing it to him.Hais. God, why, why is it that my only current passion in life, that you ask so much sacrifices. I know there will be better things in stored, but the pain of having to let something good go at the moments hurts like crazy. Having to take the faith to give up something so precious and believing something greater to come, easy to say, hard to do.But I don't really have a choice rite, and I don't want to wallow in self pity and stuff. Dear God, please give me the strength to overcome this coming struggle. It's gonna break my heart more than ever. I'll only give you one day to emo and then you need to adjust. Get up and over with it. Look to the future. I'll try, God, please help me. I feel all alone in this =( And it pains like shit. Losing it all to gain something of deeper worth. Faith. Strength. Trust.Labels: God, heart, hi club, sacrifice, thoughts
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