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Hard-Hearted Goodbyes
Friday, October 8, 2010

I find it dam hard to be blogging this here, cos I know some people will be reading this, and I'm dead sure, bound to have either wrong perceptions or either feeling some negative feelings about it, which I don't want, argh but damn it. I'm just gonna it regardless of misunderstandings caused or whatever shit. It's my journal and its your privilege to read if you consider it one.

Feeling dam shitty now. But I'm gonna be honest here. Hope it doesnt affect anyone but yea. and please note, inasmuch as I use this whole experience as a referral and example, I'm not shooting any one direct person or the people around me. So if you feel it applies to you, yea, you're not the only lone person I'm facing this with, so if anyone's to take the blame, I'd rather it be me. I hate it that I'm always so friggin concerned of people misconceptions and stuff, but seriously, sometimes you idiots cant differentiate between the honest thoughts from inside and stuff. Dam. I'm gonna do my best anyway. Whatever happens to you is your own doing.

It's things like this, that makes me feel like a complete asshole and failure. It's a lie they say, that I'm too difficult to love, but sometimes, reality forms out of that, and its not just on baseless assumptions. I'm just in plain a dam hard friend to keep.

I feel so dam tempted to throw away this nice guy thing, and just blow every single shit out, but dam, I'm trying hard to keep my cool. Wrath only incurs more harm then already done. Pardon me for anything offensive.

Now, lie or not, I understand/perceive/believe that I'm a dam hard friend to have. I occasionally live in my own world, insensitive and sometimes, not the more reciprocal friend you could have. I know, but sometimes, it's just me.

And then I wonder if "being me" is just an excuse. But then, why then, why cant people accept me for who I am, even if I'm already so blatantly horribly hard to be friends with. Do people try to be nice to love me, or they try to not think of my bad stuff and look on the bright side? I mean, are you just genuinely accepting of me or accomodating for me to just be friends.

I dunno, I suck I know, like if I was my own friend I know I'm prolly gonna have a hard time. But ohwells anyways, just to give you an accountability in no way termed in excuses but baaa, at times, I'm gonna just quit smsing totally. People dun friggin understand my utmost displeasure for smsing. Do you guys all know how much I really find it hard to sms someone. I hate it. And secondly, I'm one of the most shittiest sms-dao-ster ever, this whole smsing thing isn't in my blood, I'm not very talkative nor much of a phone user and I'm in a camp. I'm bound to forget. I've forgotten to reply countless number of sms-es already.

And yes, this is a rant post about me being all upset and dam guilty about causing someone else to be upset. I lived in a world of hurts before and I really hate for anyone else to feel it too, especially when I'm the cause of it. Yea, feeling completely crappy, shitty, and like a utter failure, I dun even have to face to talk to you anymore.

Hoorays though. Tears. And I don't want you to feel bad about making me upset either. It's completely stupid already that you being upset and then you feeling about me not feeling good about it, cos if you are, get lost. No point having more emo shitz in chain reactions.

And you know what, it's amazing how while writing this, I've somewhat again disappointed another friend, and here he/she goes blarring everything at me, when I'm already in that some what emo state. Saddening how sometimes we people just let loose out emotions and do what ever we feel like on impulse, often without properly/rationally considering the feelings of other person ._. I hope I'm not doing such things too. Kinda sucks if I am =/ Just found out I caused some really bad misunderstanding between some friends. My fault anyway =/

Shit I'm crying again. Why must I always be causing so much hurts to others. And then I trying so hard not to let any of these stupid emo feelings out to the people I'm talking to. Don't want them feeling bad too, it's just my emoish moments anyway =/ Feel like a liar trying to put on smiles. Cant help but repeating apologies over and over and over again to everyone. Dammit, I'm such a failure sometimes.

Feeling dam afraid now. Two camps and I'm having to be GL for both, and then I'm gonna have to make friends again. I have a dreadful fear of causing someone pain again, when they don't have to feel it if they never knew me.

Anyway back to you. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I gave you hopes and then dashed them by being such a prick. I'm sorry I even tried making you trust yet unable to fulfill my side of the responsibility of your trust. I'm sorry... you had to know me and ended up being one of those many getting hurt. Since we're in such a situation, we should just end here. No point continuing in all the hurts and probably more hurts to be caused. And your goal. Thanks. I appreciate it a lot, for wanting to be my friend. Not sure why, but I dunno, well, still yea, thanks. and I think you don't have to care so much about that goal or what, but you being a friend to me during this time, yea, appreciate it a lot, even in the midst of all the cruel suanning, it's my way of expressing it ._. reaction formation ._.

Hais, but yea, you're really good luh, helped me reshape some of my flawed thinking along the way, just need to be more forgiving yea, sometimes, you never know what a small 'petty' act might cause towards others. I think maybe see it as, for every offence done to you, think of the possible offense you might have done towards others, and hopefully things will be less harsh on each other.

And dam it luh. I don't want you to be soft hearted and then later try become friends again. And yea, I'm using this emo time to be hard-hearted to us cause I'm too friggin nice to do such things when I'm 'normal'. but yea. Really, it isn't that I'm giving up on these friendship, but I cant bear to hurt you anymore, I don't want to see you unhappy or anything because of me, and I'm sure I probably will in time. So yea, treat it as I'm selfish or what, I guess we'll end it here. It's a big source of emotional troubles every time I know I fail you again and again. We're better off acquaintances, much easier for everyone, don't have to trouble anyone on having to be a friend or what, but yet still possible to have those occasional chats and stuff. Shit, I still wanna say I'm sorry =/

Sounds familiar bestacq? You'll always come to mind whenever I think of me ending friendships. Your effort to try maintain yet me being crappy and then facing the same cycle of hurts. Duh. Sorry for not replying your chats though ._. Sometimes you catch me of at bad moments, either after you read some emo posts where i'm just not wanting to talk or either if I'm kinda too busy (and then afterward forgetting to reply again =.=) I am such a sucker seriously.

Thank you all for those that were concern for me. Really appreciate it a lot. Thanks, even from those random unexpected few. sorry for not replying/talking much. Just wanting to be alone. But don't hold back your concern next time kay, do it for any other person that is feeling low, don't be afraid, your simple steps of faith and kindness does help them know they're not alone.

Going to bed with a really heavy heart, goodnites~

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