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Never Stop Believing - The Fool
Sunday, August 8, 2010

Hais, I hate it when I get this kind of feelings.

I feel like giving up, quitting the game, and forget everything. But dam, I know myself well enough that I'll probably continue on somehow, like a fool in a desert, running on knowing there's no point, yet this inner drive compels me for something different, something special, some wild fantasy made up of wishes and dreams. I don't know if being persevering fool is a strength or weakness.

I'm tired of chasing people. Chasing to forge bonds. Tired of holding on and letting go. Isn't it supposed to come naturally? Yet everything seems so unnatural, the moment I stop doing anything, everything fades. Friendships die, relationships crumble, affections fade.

I find that, I don't really know anything about anyone. Aside from my own mental schema about how some people work, I'll think I have quite little knowing of anyone? I have no idea how to even get to understand someone, and know them without the use of all these mental formulas. And yet people scold me for playing on too much assumptions. But how, I have no idea, seriously, all these relationship things are bugging me so bad. Am I to be devoid of such matters?

Yet, in hope to find a reciprocal intimacy of understanding, I try my best or perhaps even do leave myself open and vulnerable, with only the the most inner bits kept in. This hidden fortress holds all the gems of my being, the keys to unlocking myself. But everything else, everything, I do not keep hidden. Or do I? Aside from the casualness of my cryptic posts every now and then to avoid the directness of the message. After all, those who are meant to get it, will understand. Besides that, my erratic behaviour, personality and problems, I don't really hide them do I?

Attributing to my (perceived) high self-awareness and deep evaluations, I think that most wouldn't understand me. Not that I do not make myself known, but some parts of me are just unseen for the common eye. It's not me not wanting myself known, it's the difference in focus at where the depth of thoughts lie. Again I do not claim myself as better as thinking deeper, but I merely think of it as a difference in focus. Social dynamics for example. Lolz. Almost and hardly anyone even gives a damn about what I am looking at.

Back to my own difficulties. This pursuit of trying to create bonds with others. Maybe my failure comes from my very first bond being rejected at beginning, causing a ripple effect that affects me beyond time can tell. Some tell me, friendship is pretty much a casual matter, contrary to what I believe it is to be. But yet, I see no understanding in how it is a simple matter. The moment I relax and just let things be, everything fails. Yet when I turn it into a conscious thought, I'm constantly drained out by the chase of everything.

Communication, interaction, understanding, time, compassion, empathy, kindness, goodwill, presence. Whichever. Times where I try, I try to make repair a dying bond. Yet I do not meet with positive feedback. I mean, so, when I try to keep a bond going and nothing works, and I'm worn out by the constant degeneration of everything so much so I decide to stop trying and believing. Yet when I stop, I'm treated as one who leaves, someone who forgets, someone who doesn't even try.

Thus, the only thing I can do, is take on this label, false or not I do not know, to warn everyone that comes along the way, saying, "Hey, don't put your hope in me, because I'll be gone one day, and the happy days we may have will be nothing but a withered leaf descending from the heights of the treetop." Am I to be blame for my beliefs that I'm a failure at friendship?

Some will argue to me I'm not. Of course I'll like to think I'm not. But why, is it of my incompetence or your ignorance that whenever I try, no one, not even those who tell me to keep fighting, open the door to me. Even those close by my side, I meet resistance. In simple words, I do not, even know the people beside me. None? Friends I made along the way, friends that stayed, and friends that became more. I am resisting the urge to even name names, least you come to know of the agony I feel towards the friendship we all presume is working out fine, or the occasional hatred and anger I have towards your indifference of this difficult battle I fight, this endless path I walk, this life I foolishly endure.

You know, I'd wished I'd give up sometimes. I do. But, I never fail, never, to somehow pick myself up, no matter how much the unhealed wounds or scars to just take a chance to believe again. No matter how much people hurt me, disappoint me, or to reinforce all the supposedly false mindsets and defense I have, I still go on. Sometimes I hate myself for it really. I think in the aspect of the human spirit, it's is quite feat, something strong. But I hate myself for being so "strong", this compelling force that pushes me through a wall of thorns.

Baaah. I hate it, I hate how things that feels nice, the way people be nice, are things that are so... unreliable. That things never fail to prove me that thing swill never be well. But heh, here I am still walking on. Owells, I'm sorry all. Tonite, I'm taking it as a great flaw of mine.

I'll never stop believing...

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