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Selfish Nobility; A Preclosure to Reclusivity
Monday, July 12, 2010
omg. I think I just screw up again. Shit I didn't mean it really. *bangs head* argh crap. shit. I think, I really ought to stay away from people. Why is this issue suddenly haunting me so badly. Woots... in a somehow co-incidental flow of my post. all 3 posts in a row are related, one with and example of each point concerning my doing with friendship.Before this was on the issue of me closing up due to the fear of intimacy and hurt. Now's its on closing up due to not wanting to hurt others. I aint doing a good enough job.So it happens always. After the birth of a new frenship, things get a little chirpy, and soon after they die. It always reaches a level before it stagnates and die.But, I know it, and that's why I haven't any intentions of making new friends. That's the whole issue about me closing up for the 2nd reason. Things always follow the same pattern, and kinda, people getting hurt by me.I just wanna avoid people so that I wont hurt them with all my stupid antics and defense mechanism. Cos I have no idea how to fix myself, I need to keep away from people then. There's gonna be a shitload of people shooting me for negative thinking of me thinking of myself as a sucky fren but yeaaaa, I cant help but feel so every time I see someone fall becos of me. Seeing people feel bad about things partially due to how I cant keep up the frenship.Heh, but every once in a while, a certain somebody crosses my path to open me up in a small way. And I hop on to that to try find my way out of this mess I'm in, maybe that I can find some resolution? I mean it as a platform where I can try learn how to be a friend, without any malice of manipulation. Heh, but after one screw up after another, I think I need to just stop trying? I dun understand. for both reasons I choose to close up, things continue to reinforce this instinct to close up to people, even when I am trying my best to not do things wrongly or try believing. Hais. And yes, once again, I have proven myself to be complete social failure. -----------------------------------------
Heh you. I haven't the intentions of hurting you. I had to admit, I first started out the friendship in a selfish manner. Just extracting out of you what I needed. But after one of the early incidents, I realized I shudn't be doing it, and I really change my perspective of this new budding friendship. I did things as a friend and not for myself. But I really didn't know how to go about doing things, I really have no idea about all this friendship thing. I mean, I have never called you a friend, I was afraid that of the possibility that if I let you get too close to me, you might be another victim of my failed friendships. I always had that pending thought of doom that you might become one of the rest, someone I nv talk to anymore after the friendship stagnate. But I really was hoping that maybe, with such a conducive environment, I had a higher chance of having a successful friendship being made. I tried being more confident in myself. Initiating more conversations, trying to not let my fear bog me down. It was good, things progressed a bit. And I really enjoyed my time with ya, having our random moments and knowing that at least you're smiling over some weird shit I say (which I still dunno why its funny). And that maybe I could leave some positive impact on you. But of cos, I was still afraid that things might fail somehow. It always had... But yups, my fault.And then the bomb came. I had a friend came to talk to me about some stuff I've been doing wrongly. I realized my folly and decided to change. I realized how selfish I was. To all my friends. And to you as well. I questioned every action I did for you. Was it out of selfishness or with a sincere intention of being a friend. I admit once again, I started out mostly for my own benefits, of having that company to talk to, but like I said, after a certain incident, I knew my wrong and changed my ways. But on the safe side, I shall under estimate my rights, and consider most of my ways selfish. But I was kinda happy that at least in comparison, you were more on the higher end of me being not selfish. In fact, while writing my post about realizing the wrong way i've been treating friendship, I wrote one portion with you in mind. - "But I'd like to credit myself that, for the times I'm being a good or nice fella, I really am doing things out of a good heart"- I wanted to let you know through that paragraph, that yes, I have been a sucker as a friend, but much of what has been between us, was really genuine and of no malice.
On the night I found out, I wanted to approach you. I wanted to ask you, what would you see of me being such a fren? What if our friendship was built on the chance that I was using you. However, you were kinda asleep by then (with your terrible sleeping habits).
But I guess it's too late? Things have screwed up once again. Emotions riled, and disappointments sets in again. You, maybe for having trusted in me, and myself, for being such a complete failure at friendship.
As for now, I really don't know if I should proceed on. Maybe this one-shot blow now is good, so that at least you face only a small fraction of hurt of what might be in the future. When things turn bad, I never want to let anyone go, you in this case... but maybe I shouldn't be so selfish as to have you go through the pain of my incompetency of being a friend just because I want to have a friendship. But your disappointment, it is my duty to clear up . I cannot let you bear a grudge that ought not to have exist, even if you never wanted to speak to me ever again, it would be better off that we ended this on a better note. I really hope you understand. And I'm sorry for hurting you. I never ever wanted it this way. I hope these may clear up your wound if possible. I'm really sorry... and... perhaps...goodbye...
-----------------------------------------
Maybe Im too selfish. Maybe even my 2nd reason for closing up isn't valid. I mean, if we look at things in another view, it could also be said i'm selfishly using others to try 'learn' how to be a friend. But those who I learn with, are all victims of my failures, then it wouldn't be fair to them that I'm hurting them in the process as well?
Hais, I'm feeling like some big time sucker and a failure. JM, I hope now you can understand why I always feel myself as a shitty friend. You shudn't defend me at all. It's really my fault. I dunno what you see in me, or maybe that you do not see in me, but, after so many failed relationships, there is only one constant, ME. Where's else would the problem lie, ya tell me. (Dun spam my tagboard again pls)
This is amazing. One night before, I'm being told that I'm doing things wrongly. I acknowledge it validating my with two points, one of which I hope would been more "noble", and set myself to change. Just one day in and I'm being slapped in the face twice for both reasons to why I close up. Or maybe wrongfully open up. What is this all about? A sign to prove me I'm wrong, even for the "noble" reason of it? Does this mean, I should quit believing, or trying, and just close up for good, thus hurting none at all? I don't know, what if I'm gonna live my whole life like that, I can't go around hurting everyone around me can I? I should seriously just go die. Or at least die socially. Nothing I ever do is right, and everything ends up with some innocent party getting hurt because of my incompetence. I. should. just. be. solidarity. reclused. whatever shit. I need to be alone. I'm a bane to society... I'm not cut out for this whole friends thing, maybe I'm not meant for any, nor to be one...
and ok luh huh. For the good of everyone. I'll just give myself one more chance alrite. If somehow something crops up again, I take it as a confirmation of what I need to do. Hais, after being in touch with the social world once again, it'll be a bit difficult for me to shift back into my corner, but I hope ya all bear with me as I try my best to get there. Yups, sorries.
Labels: EMO, frenz, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Selfish Nobility; A Preclosure to Reclusivity
Monday, July 12, 2010
omg. I think I just screw up again. Shit I didn't mean it really. *bangs head* argh crap. shit. I think, I really ought to stay away from people. Why is this issue suddenly haunting me so badly. Woots... in a somehow co-incidental flow of my post. all 3 posts in a row are related, one with and example of each point concerning my doing with friendship.Before this was on the issue of me closing up due to the fear of intimacy and hurt. Now's its on closing up due to not wanting to hurt others. I aint doing a good enough job.So it happens always. After the birth of a new frenship, things get a little chirpy, and soon after they die. It always reaches a level before it stagnates and die.But, I know it, and that's why I haven't any intentions of making new friends. That's the whole issue about me closing up for the 2nd reason. Things always follow the same pattern, and kinda, people getting hurt by me.I just wanna avoid people so that I wont hurt them with all my stupid antics and defense mechanism. Cos I have no idea how to fix myself, I need to keep away from people then. There's gonna be a shitload of people shooting me for negative thinking of me thinking of myself as a sucky fren but yeaaaa, I cant help but feel so every time I see someone fall becos of me. Seeing people feel bad about things partially due to how I cant keep up the frenship.Heh, but every once in a while, a certain somebody crosses my path to open me up in a small way. And I hop on to that to try find my way out of this mess I'm in, maybe that I can find some resolution? I mean it as a platform where I can try learn how to be a friend, without any malice of manipulation. Heh, but after one screw up after another, I think I need to just stop trying? I dun understand. for both reasons I choose to close up, things continue to reinforce this instinct to close up to people, even when I am trying my best to not do things wrongly or try believing. Hais. And yes, once again, I have proven myself to be complete social failure. -----------------------------------------
Heh you. I haven't the intentions of hurting you. I had to admit, I first started out the friendship in a selfish manner. Just extracting out of you what I needed. But after one of the early incidents, I realized I shudn't be doing it, and I really change my perspective of this new budding friendship. I did things as a friend and not for myself. But I really didn't know how to go about doing things, I really have no idea about all this friendship thing. I mean, I have never called you a friend, I was afraid that of the possibility that if I let you get too close to me, you might be another victim of my failed friendships. I always had that pending thought of doom that you might become one of the rest, someone I nv talk to anymore after the friendship stagnate. But I really was hoping that maybe, with such a conducive environment, I had a higher chance of having a successful friendship being made. I tried being more confident in myself. Initiating more conversations, trying to not let my fear bog me down. It was good, things progressed a bit. And I really enjoyed my time with ya, having our random moments and knowing that at least you're smiling over some weird shit I say (which I still dunno why its funny). And that maybe I could leave some positive impact on you. But of cos, I was still afraid that things might fail somehow. It always had... But yups, my fault.And then the bomb came. I had a friend came to talk to me about some stuff I've been doing wrongly. I realized my folly and decided to change. I realized how selfish I was. To all my friends. And to you as well. I questioned every action I did for you. Was it out of selfishness or with a sincere intention of being a friend. I admit once again, I started out mostly for my own benefits, of having that company to talk to, but like I said, after a certain incident, I knew my wrong and changed my ways. But on the safe side, I shall under estimate my rights, and consider most of my ways selfish. But I was kinda happy that at least in comparison, you were more on the higher end of me being not selfish. In fact, while writing my post about realizing the wrong way i've been treating friendship, I wrote one portion with you in mind. - "But I'd like to credit myself that, for the times I'm being a good or nice fella, I really am doing things out of a good heart"- I wanted to let you know through that paragraph, that yes, I have been a sucker as a friend, but much of what has been between us, was really genuine and of no malice.
On the night I found out, I wanted to approach you. I wanted to ask you, what would you see of me being such a fren? What if our friendship was built on the chance that I was using you. However, you were kinda asleep by then (with your terrible sleeping habits).
But I guess it's too late? Things have screwed up once again. Emotions riled, and disappointments sets in again. You, maybe for having trusted in me, and myself, for being such a complete failure at friendship.
As for now, I really don't know if I should proceed on. Maybe this one-shot blow now is good, so that at least you face only a small fraction of hurt of what might be in the future. When things turn bad, I never want to let anyone go, you in this case... but maybe I shouldn't be so selfish as to have you go through the pain of my incompetency of being a friend just because I want to have a friendship. But your disappointment, it is my duty to clear up . I cannot let you bear a grudge that ought not to have exist, even if you never wanted to speak to me ever again, it would be better off that we ended this on a better note. I really hope you understand. And I'm sorry for hurting you. I never ever wanted it this way. I hope these may clear up your wound if possible. I'm really sorry... and... perhaps...goodbye...
-----------------------------------------
Maybe Im too selfish. Maybe even my 2nd reason for closing up isn't valid. I mean, if we look at things in another view, it could also be said i'm selfishly using others to try 'learn' how to be a friend. But those who I learn with, are all victims of my failures, then it wouldn't be fair to them that I'm hurting them in the process as well?
Hais, I'm feeling like some big time sucker and a failure. JM, I hope now you can understand why I always feel myself as a shitty friend. You shudn't defend me at all. It's really my fault. I dunno what you see in me, or maybe that you do not see in me, but, after so many failed relationships, there is only one constant, ME. Where's else would the problem lie, ya tell me. (Dun spam my tagboard again pls)
This is amazing. One night before, I'm being told that I'm doing things wrongly. I acknowledge it validating my with two points, one of which I hope would been more "noble", and set myself to change. Just one day in and I'm being slapped in the face twice for both reasons to why I close up. Or maybe wrongfully open up. What is this all about? A sign to prove me I'm wrong, even for the "noble" reason of it? Does this mean, I should quit believing, or trying, and just close up for good, thus hurting none at all? I don't know, what if I'm gonna live my whole life like that, I can't go around hurting everyone around me can I? I should seriously just go die. Or at least die socially. Nothing I ever do is right, and everything ends up with some innocent party getting hurt because of my incompetence. I. should. just. be. solidarity. reclused. whatever shit. I need to be alone. I'm a bane to society... I'm not cut out for this whole friends thing, maybe I'm not meant for any, nor to be one...
and ok luh huh. For the good of everyone. I'll just give myself one more chance alrite. If somehow something crops up again, I take it as a confirmation of what I need to do. Hais, after being in touch with the social world once again, it'll be a bit difficult for me to shift back into my corner, but I hope ya all bear with me as I try my best to get there. Yups, sorries.
Labels: EMO, frenz, thoughts
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