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Go Away, I Don't Want You To.
Monday, July 12, 2010

Amazing.

I just finished a chat with a friend whom I last expected would be counseling me in such a manner. I haven't had anyone talk to me in such a manner and I quite appreciate it. Finally some feedback I get after all the asking around getting "dunno"s for an answer.

There's a whole lot of points to it, but I'll take out those which I can put my mind to. First off was when she asked me why I do push people away.

Ha, I think I'll limit my first post on it. And yes, a disclaimer that I know some of it might be faulty thinking but yea, I'm just stating both sides of my mind alright. Dun come bomb the shit outta me please.

Pushing people away. That's some I knew I was doing deep inside. There was a reason why my relationships could never developed beyond a certain limit before it starts to crumble. I always held this wall against people, preventing them from reaching to me. Playing intimacy games by opening and closing my doors, or sometimes, in a weird twist, making people come through a closed door.

I have two reasons to this, but I first present a short history. I grew up as a kid, treated unfairly, and given a harsh perception of being unwanted or without use for. A constant hurt that pierced me whenever someone did something to destroy my esteem. I never know if it was just an illusion by somehow, I grew up feeling that I was never wanted. Well or it could be that I unfortunately met people who really treated me that way, or a false belief that kept me in bondage.

Back to my reasons. Primarily, I engage in all these intimacy games subconsciously. I make friends with someone, trying to develop it, only to 'run' away and block out someone. I kinda fear people? I fear the intimacy of others. I fear losing that intimacy if it was real. And I fear letting myself get hurt again.

It gets so bad that it becomes a selfish desire. I open up to people whom I feel I can gain something. Be it your attention, your time, your listening ear, your knowledge and stuff. And then I close right back up when I'm done with it. I also close up to protect myself, and to somehow see who are the ones that actually try to break thru these defenses. Maybe I'm being way too tough on everyone, demanding only the ideal being to be let through, that none can penetrate this hard shield even if they wished to.

As for my second reason, I'm fully aware of this scheme of my mind, and I know its wrong. And feeling all helpless about it, instead of trying to overcome, I take the avoidant approach. I try to apply self-containment. Closing my self up so that I wouldn't hurt people by playing intimacy games with them. For the reason why I don't want to get close to people, so that I wont be able to draw away from them, and thus, there wouldn't even be an flux of friendship interaction that way. But, yet my inner self desires that companionship and I yet open up myself to others, closing again whenever I feel afraid to hurt them.

But I'd like to credit myself that, for the times I'm being a good or nice fella, I really am doing things out of a good heart. Just that whenever the fear kicks in I go into recluse again. Thus becoming some sort of nice-ish but cold person to some. =| I hope you wont see me as either, but just some ordinary guy whom your lucky chances upon of being nice to =P

So. Point 1, I'm not actually changing. Point 2, I fear hurting myself, so protect myself in a way that indirectly hurts others. And then to cope with it, I protect myself from having to hurt others and still end up hurting others. Make frens wrong, dun make frens also wrong.

And then I'm sure they will be that bunch who's gonna judge me for what I'm writing now. But seriously, how many of you are in the same dilemma as I am. They will be that bunch that accuse me for being emo, thinking too much, being screwed up, being way too hardcore about friends, some bad shit fella. Ba... why do you all do this man.

All I want and hope is that I can stop myself from the way I'm doing things. Without all those fears, and that I can stop toying with people's friendship. Come to think of it, I'm quite a selfish guy eh? So do I have to learn how to trust others wholeheartedly? To the one that I do, there I find my doubts increasingly challenging me as to whether I ought to continue trusting. My gut instincts tell me I shouldn't, but I am. Hurting sucks.

Now I present what my friend continued:

"thats what u think... you think you are doing them a favour by pushing them away thinking you actually know whats good for them. But in reality... you are insulting them...leaving with them a feeling that nobody's ever good enough for you. you are making judgments based on what you think is right. but oh..we are sooooo blinded. how do we know whats best for people and then determine their 'fate' for them when sometimes we don't even know ourselves??"

Well, I do think I'm pushing them away as a favour (reason 2). I mean, it's better if I kept them away instead of hurting them over and over again rite? As for leaving them with a feeling that no one's good enough, I dunno if people feel that way, but I gotta admit, I think quite lowly of others, or that my expectations are way too high, cos I sincerely do feel that no one will be that special one for me. I think everyone has their own lives, why would they be nice enough to stay and wait for me to open my doors. But then again, seriously, how the hell would I ever know the feelings of others if everyone keeps it in. I'm sure there are people that are concerned for me, but if you all don't make it known, I, a really insensitive blockhead, will not feel a thing either. And then of course I'm left to my own assumptions to work things out. So how am I to differentiate those who are concern but not making it known and those people who seriously dun give a damn about me. I'll just block everyone wholesale then, wont I?

But yea, despite all this, it kinda makes me realize how selfish I am... It's as though I'm manipulating everyone around me to satisfy my own needs and pleasures. Those selfish people I detest, it turns out I'm actually one of them myself... Doing everything for my own good only actually... Heh, what have I become...

But, to all those who are my friends, or call me your friend. Would you stop befriending me if our friendship was built upon my own manipulation, using you to get from you what I wanted? If I was actually a pretty crappy guy inside? Would you wait for me, to try settle this thing inside me, for the day I can finally and wholly call you my friend as well and be a real one to ya? This is the reason why I always call myself a bad friend, because most of the times, I'm just not being one...

My mistakes are grave and great... I'm sorry to y'all =l I'll try my best to change! =]

P.S. Eh, on a random thought. Would be nice to know all those who are actually looking out for me. =P A positive self-esteem thought, I'm sure I have a few peeps out there who cares for me, yea? :D Thanks you all~

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