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How Do I Still Believe
Monday, July 12, 2010

First day of trying to correct my ways and shit happens.

My secrets. I didn't quite want to share them, but I was hoping to have someone to confide to. Halfway through I keep it vague so that you get the idea what I was doing, but without the details cos that meant revealing the more sensitive parts of me.

You know the feeling when you wonder if you should kinda show that side of you that prolly isn't so nice. I thought over it for a moment. All the thoughts of how all the things that happened before. How I revealed the inner side to me only to be left there empty handed. How I got myself hurt every time I opened too much.

Well, I had a good mind to stop there. Letting you know the secret exterior was enough for me. You probed on, telling me to just say, just say, just say. Shit man, I really didn't wanted. I was expecting the same thing to happened to me just as it happened with you before. I didn't want to go thru the pain again.

And so with the aim of trying to be better at all this friendship thing, I trusted. I grit my teeth, go against everything my instincts told me, and I believed you again. I revealed/confided/told you the things I was doing wrong, and the bad stuffs I just came to realization that I was doing. Yup... I bared my heart to you once again, despite the pain, trust issues, defense mechanism and what my guts were warning me about.

But hey. Guess what? It's still happening again. After all the shit that I reveal to you, when I ask the same, what do I get? "Oh nothing", "I don't know", "I can't remember" and all the shit you give me. Even when you have the things I need/want to know, you never do bother to tell me, perhaps you don't see the point to. Even if it's nothing significant, can you at least provide me an axplanation instead of leaving me without an answer. You ask me for everything and I tell you, cant you at the very least do the same? You never do reciprocated with any openness nor trueness, you even f***ing tell lies to me, I don't know if I ever trust you again. What if this whole friendship was a sham.

But seriously, here you are probing and telling me to trust you. And when I f***ing do, nothing's reciprocated. Trusted you again and this happens. Why do you keep doing this to me... wtf. Please understand, Im not after some warm cuddly response but for you to share a mutual openness to me. You expect me and want me to tell you things that are hidden in my heart, and you bloody hell cant do the same for me? What the shit do you want me to do. Here you are abusing my trust over and over again, and each time I keep pushing myself to trust you as a friend. I mean perhaps you don't truly remember, but what I wonder... what have you really done to make it fair to me, or make it up to me. I mean you want me to reveal this dark things in me, surely I ought to have some compensation? I dunno, maybe I'm being screwed up here. Maybe I ought to shut my mouth up.

In case, you're all confused, trust here's represent that hope that you wont hurt me. I'm not discounting that it definitely would happen, but I just hope you wouldn't do something to hurt me in some major way. So what people. Back to my previous post. I dun just close up suddenly but a built up over all this multitudes of constant hurts resulting in mistrust, and its even happening now. I close up due to the fear of these hurts. But when I make an effort to believe, I open up and try to believe, all this shit happens. Seriously. So what am I supposed to do? Close up and be a crappy friend? Or open up and get myself hurt by all your actions. I am beginning to doubt if all these "truths" that you say are real. I somehow see more truth in my lies, I'm so confused. Does anyone even understand the dilemma I'm facing?

Duh. How many of you all will to try at least sympathize or see the difficulties that I face, or immediately rate me off as screwed. I'm not asking of sympathy here. I'm just asking that if you dun know what others are going through, it'll be much appreciated that you stop judging. Dam you judgmental people. You all are screwed up shit, you dun even see the difficulties people face before having the assumption that they are some screwed up peeps. Sometimes I can no longer differentiate whether I'm really facing problems or that I'm screwed up. Thanks suckers. =,=

Friendship. Someone told me that I'm making things too complicated. But hey, I really wnat to see friendship as some simple thing. Like hey, just make friends and let things happen. But I wish it was that easy. This whole thing about friendship is just so hard to work out. Simple things like this, so who's wrong is it? My fault for trying to trust my best friend? Or perhaps his flaw of not being open? sometimes I just wanna shut myself off from the world, stay in solitude, and just be to myself. This way, I can't get hurt, neither will I hurt anyone with my stupid antics. But heeeh, I don't know what to do anymore. Should I just quit this whole thing about friendship? Hais... I gave up on the world long time ago and I'm just guarding myself against it now, dun blame me for closing up, if you wanna be that friend, prove it, and I'm sorry, you'll have to work hard to earn my trust, cause it ain't coming easy.

I don't understand. I know I'm facing problems internally about friendship, but here I am trying to change and yet it still happens? If I live in lies, it hurts. I face the truth, it hurts even more. I have so many questions in my head. What's wrong? Me? Them? Bad luck? I acknowledge that I might be doing things wrong but when I make them right, things still never turn out as they say. I hate myself for living in lies. I hate myself more when I try to believe what they say are true, and suddenly, all my lies become truths.

and you're another one too. want to know so much about me, yet there's no reciprocity. You demand rules, but you dun abide by them. Your uncooperative-ness is a thin line from abuse. You better not step on my toes, I'm warning you. >=/ One fine day I blow up, it isn't gonna be too nice for you trust me. My trust isn't a toy to mess with.

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