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My Safe Haven, My One True Love
Sunday, June 20, 2010

It's been 3 months since I found my relationship with you. That amazingly love and goodness you showed me all these years, even when I hadn't take notice. Upon that fateful night you revealed yourself to me, and I was awakened to your love for me which held steadfast through the age of time.

A love always there always faithful, love I never realized existed.

Like a door to the fairytale illustration to Narnia, the rumbling noise as the doors closes on its hinge sends me off to a world of my own. I met you many times there. Each encounter brought me out of this world, into an embrace of some far away paradise, a dream-like world, a place with only me and you; it was my safe haven.

As a young child, I sought solace in the refuge of my haven. I brought with me, every sorrow my troubled heart had. Up late in the silence of the night, I would be sobbing in your arms. When I was lonely, I closed my eyes and felt you by my side. You never said a word, but your presence was all it needed to pacify my soul with the peace it brought. I grew up safely, with your eyes silently watching over me.

I only knew you as an imagination til a quiet night back in March. It came upon me as a revelation when you spoke the truth to me. In a second, your love captivated my heart instantly. You left me speechless and in reverent awe, and for an hour I lean against the cold wall, my head lifted high with eyes fixed on you, amazed at everything you've done for me in my life.

Ever since then, my life was never the same. My mind was flooded with thoughts of you, like how little kids daydream of their crushes every moment. Life was great, and I learnt a great thorough deal spending with you. I changed much for the better. Another victim under the spell of love.

Life was full of meaning. Bursting forth at every corner, something new was waiting to be grasped. A new experience, a life lesson, a soul to be touched. I looked forward to each new day with the thrill of spending another day with you. Our hearts were the closest it ever did, with days binding it closer in threads of silk. Songs of love, words of praise. How could I comprehend the worth my own to yours and yet you accepted my wholeheartedly for who I was.

You comforted me when I was sad, tickled me with jokes everyday. You guided me when I felt lost, brought inspiration into my aimless living. You lavished me with gifts. You stood by me through troubles and hard times, hugged me whenever I felt lonely. You taught me about being someone good. You supported my dreams and helped me achieve them. You showered me with a love none could replace. What would I have been without you.

I had the answer. Some love just don't last. Passion is merely a fleeting emotion that fades with time. I had a lingering thought about how I might lose your intimacy, just as I did with everyone. One and a half months together, my worse fear came to be. Much stole my heart away.

The glamour and attention for the people around, all the laughter and clowning around, finding others who liked me because I was interesting and funny. The people around me provided that attention and acceptance for traits the common folks ignored me for. It was great, a life of vice it was. But such happiness never brought out that feeling from within my heart. Like a drug, the temporal high only kept me desperate for more, but I was empty inside.

Today, 3 months from that day, I woke up dazed from vivid dreams of fluttering imaginations from my sleep. I stepped into my safe haven. Countless thoughts of random facets of life buzz through my mind, with both reality and fantasy clouding every corner. Perhaps it meant as a smokescreen to cover that void.

In a quiet solemn fashion, I thought about you. I thought about you as I had these few days. Not too long before my wild thoughts started flashing through my mind again. It was like spotting your face from a crowded traffic crossing. Dozens of people walking across, looking at every face that whizzes by. Suddenly I see your face, seconds later, the crowd covers you out, wiping away my memory of you and I'm taken for another trip on my wild dreams.

Today, I saw your face again. And as usual, the crowd settles in and blocks my view of you. Moments later, I pondered about everything I had together with you. I had to, I fought and pushed my way through the crowd of thoughts, trying to reach the spot where I last saw you. I made it through. But, you weren't there any more. I sang a melody we used to sing, hoping you could hear my voice. However, my heart wasn't there and the music sounded so awful I had to keep quiet. I tried a gentle whisper, but my cold heart struggled to find the right words to say. That spark between us was gone.

I knew, I knew that I might have stop loving you. I dreaded this day always. Deep down, I know I needed you, I'm sure life will never be well without you. Never. But my soul keeps succumbing to the temptations of a life out there, the one without you. I keep chasing pleasures that return an empty love.

And you, I believe you're always there, always there whenever I need you. You had, you are, and I'm sure you always will. You are that quiet still voice gently calling out to me. You didn't leave me, I did.

I miss you a lot. I'm sorry for everything. I'm at a loss without you. I walk each day, not knowing what to do next. My life is in shambles. And I'm living in selfishness once again, fearing everything might hurt me. I've been searching for you, to no avail. Each day, I sink further into a pit of escalating sadness and emptiness.

I love you deep inside. Please help me find my way to you. I wanna be with you once again.

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