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Emotional Fillers
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Hahaha wheee. Bare Your Sole (BYS) was quite fun and painful. The activity met its objectives I think. First 2km wasn't too bad, the next 3 km was ouuuuch. One of my toe was hurting like shit but yea, it's a nice experience to be able to be barefooted for 5km =) My slippers never felt so good in all of the 2+ years I've been wearing it. Oh and it rained/drizzled halfway haha, fun to walk in the rain and getting a little soaked =) My feets hurts now even when walking about the house =(Wheee, time to reflect again. =PSince the past few weeks, I have been finding myself in a emotional relapse again. I don't really know when it started, but it's getting more severe =/ I find myself more and more dependent on the presence of others and with some seriously annoying intrusive thoughts that has been bugging me when I'm with certain people. The dam urge to just grab hold someone tight O.O bleh. Sucks totally.And it kinda sucks that I'm using people as emotional fillers. It's so wrong man... But heh sometimes I'm at a loss as well. I dun find anyone I feel firmly secured in, as in, no friends to rely on, and some I choose not to rely on. Somehow I find myself thrown back into the lone world again. But then comes a good question to ask myself, so, what exactly do I make friends for? To fill those voids with company and good feelings? or that I really am wanting to make a difference in people's lives. Duh, I hate my unconscious drives...I'm becoming worse too. I'm consciously aware of my unconscious doing and I can see that I'm starting to manipulate the weaknesses of others for my own good. Like "making" someone do stuff for me cos I'm too lazy, and if without control, I'm afraid I'll use it to satisfy my own wants. And you, I'm supposed to be done with you, but this untimely emotional turbulence is sucking me back in again. Oh boy, please, it took me so long to escape that sinkhole, I don't wanna be there again.So... do I need a friend to stabilize myself? What is a friend to me then? Some sort of tranquilizer to my desires? Would it be selfish by desiring the company of close friends and being completely me and yet being enjoyed for who I am? And lastly, would that just be a fairytale for me...?I like this quote I found while blogsurfing friends' blog. =)
Labels: frenz, hi club, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
Emotional Fillers
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Hahaha wheee. Bare Your Sole (BYS) was quite fun and painful. The activity met its objectives I think. First 2km wasn't too bad, the next 3 km was ouuuuch. One of my toe was hurting like shit but yea, it's a nice experience to be able to be barefooted for 5km =) My slippers never felt so good in all of the 2+ years I've been wearing it. Oh and it rained/drizzled halfway haha, fun to walk in the rain and getting a little soaked =) My feets hurts now even when walking about the house =(Wheee, time to reflect again. =PSince the past few weeks, I have been finding myself in a emotional relapse again. I don't really know when it started, but it's getting more severe =/ I find myself more and more dependent on the presence of others and with some seriously annoying intrusive thoughts that has been bugging me when I'm with certain people. The dam urge to just grab hold someone tight O.O bleh. Sucks totally.And it kinda sucks that I'm using people as emotional fillers. It's so wrong man... But heh sometimes I'm at a loss as well. I dun find anyone I feel firmly secured in, as in, no friends to rely on, and some I choose not to rely on. Somehow I find myself thrown back into the lone world again. But then comes a good question to ask myself, so, what exactly do I make friends for? To fill those voids with company and good feelings? or that I really am wanting to make a difference in people's lives. Duh, I hate my unconscious drives...I'm becoming worse too. I'm consciously aware of my unconscious doing and I can see that I'm starting to manipulate the weaknesses of others for my own good. Like "making" someone do stuff for me cos I'm too lazy, and if without control, I'm afraid I'll use it to satisfy my own wants. And you, I'm supposed to be done with you, but this untimely emotional turbulence is sucking me back in again. Oh boy, please, it took me so long to escape that sinkhole, I don't wanna be there again.So... do I need a friend to stabilize myself? What is a friend to me then? Some sort of tranquilizer to my desires? Would it be selfish by desiring the company of close friends and being completely me and yet being enjoyed for who I am? And lastly, would that just be a fairytale for me...?I like this quote I found while blogsurfing friends' blog. =)
Labels: frenz, hi club, thoughts
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