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I care, but I don't know how
Sunday, April 25, 2010

This week has been one eventful week. Tuesday til thursday having D4F, leading cell on friday, and being a GL for Hi-Club's orientation.

Found out something new about me with my capacity to tap on a limitless reserve of energy, going to a super high mode, where I will be moving every second or two. Much to the point people would like to know I'm diagnosed with ADHD. hehe But I cant help but agree though. Even when walking, climbing stairs, standing on the spot, I will be either jumping about or doing some exaggerated form of movement. But it's fun though, seems like people are getting laughs outta it :D

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Sometimes i feel quite tired of making friends. I'm tired of losing them, not only that, but I feel for the loss of a a fren someone has to face when they believe in me, only for me to disappoint them. I know well myself the dynamics of friendship, that it is not of my nature to retain people in my life. I fail to be a friend, or at best, an acquaintance. In an analogy, my nature is one of a cloud. I move on, in and out of other lives, sometimes in control, sometimes to where the wind blows me to. But this is also why I lack any deep connection to another. I cant and don't know how to bond. Perhaps this is a good thing, this way, I won't have to feel the continual loss of bonds, you can't lose what you didn't have.

Besides, my friendships with everyone seems weirdly superficial. I know people face problems. All the time. But I only get wind of problems through having to stalk, eavesdrop or work on my poor inferencing skills. But it seems for me that no one ever reveals anything to me. My friends all appear perfectly fine to me. But what's up with everyone appearing fine? Am I too untrustworthy? Not good enough? Insensitive? Or someone you'll last think about when it comes to sharing things. I really don't know.

I care, I really do. But every time I ask on how's things are going, I get a meaningless "fine" for an answer. Is it just me baring my soul to others without thinking or what, because my replies of "how's life" always comes with a tinge of some good and bad stories with it.

In fact, I'm feeling dam useless as a friend if not for aesthetic purposes. I can't think of things to talk, I'm not one who can make you laugh till your abs hurt, I'm not sensitive, I'm not entertaining, damned I'm not even knowledgeable. How? How am I able to try open windows of others' souls when I don't even get to know where they are.

I envy people who are able to know their friend's well, on be the one whom everyone likes. Not so much so because I enjoy the attention, but cause I wanna be a friend, a friend that does what a friend ought to do. But here I'm enclosed in this invisible social barrier, I assumed built upon my own incapability of handling friendships.

This is where my esteem breaks down. I know I'm good, but not good enough for any use to others. Is this a call to go solo? I'll admit, I'm no good at being a friend. To all my past, current and future friends, I'm sorry.

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