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Day 1 Year 2
Monday, April 19, 2010

First day of school was awesome. Got our groupings for Stats module done in the first day. We even get to be as social workers, with our own case study to work on, and it slowly develops over the weeks, like a game! =D so cool rite! oh, and I'm in the group as Huiqi for an epicish 5 times already.

anyway, today was filled with lotsa thoughts gonna post 3.


Had a chat with zhi xiong today, about how I've changed, primarily so my big drop in hiclub which he claims is pretty obvious. I'll admit yea, I've noticed that change too, I don't sign as much, and the way I talk about hiclub is quite different too. I now only talk about the people. anyways, I'm over it. Me losing the post, just that I do have my own effects and repercussions. I've lowered my passion because I see no need to maintaining a uber high level of passion into something I cannot (currently) do. Kinda like a waste of emotional energy.

Besides, change is inevitable. We cant expect circumstances to change, but the the world to remain. The world tags along with the repercussions of change just as how the grass bends with the direction of the wind.

Thanks for your concern. It really means a lot to me, that someone actually has an eye on me, taking a note about the difference in me. At least I know I'm not invisible. But I can no longer stand close to the main comm as I did. I absolutely detest being left hanging about and especially so that now the dynamics are forcibly different, that you 10 as a main comm will develop special and unique bonds together as compared to someone that's now out of the social circle. You hate to see a line being drawn, but no matter what you do, there will always be a line. The law of status and social inequality will always be there.

And so I take a step back, to a comfortable proximity, where I'm not to far off, neither ma I too close for comfort. The other subbies too have settle in the new adjustment. It was a blow to us, but we've settled quite well, partly because we're forced to, but you all as main comm, but too let go of us. It's impossible to hold on to everything and even so forever.

You desire us to be together as one, but it is not possible. We are different. You, now muz learn how to let go, just as we have.


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Gifts are quite a pain, I never liked them. I'm not the all creative kind, or meaningful, thoughtful or basically one's that's good with gifts. I don't even know how to properly rightfully accept gifts without breaking some rules of respect.

For you, we went out, and search shops and places for something we hope you'll like. We planned as best as we could something that might surprise you and, we did put in effort, or at least she did.

It happened quickly and we were all unprepared. There were some lapses in organizing everything, but it happened. Maybe you were surprised, maybe you were not, or maybe you were in a tired. But when it was just me and her left sitting at the table once crowded by members of a distant good memory quickly dissipated with an evanescent excitement. She was left a bit disappointed I felt, feeling the same way, but I couldn't have added on to that disheartened gentle heart. Do drop a word of thanks to her alrites? I'm sure it'll make her day =)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And finally, you. Yet again, I've been thinking about us. Was reflecting about my first year in poly and all the experiences. You were one of it. "Were". 6 months, I had you all, I had you, 6 months later, not a single one remains. Even unexpectedly so you. I know friends will come and go, but this is most quite unexpected. Because after everything, I now wonder, do we even have a chance to be friends.

There's an ignorance of either's existence even when together. Am I supposed to be befriend you unconditionally, or is this a sign for me to move on with life?

I have this urging feeling to maybe clear things up once and for all. Like find out whatever the shit is up between us that's causing this rift. I'm tired of all this pointless awkwardness between us. And woots, I hope it wont be like the previous time, "something of my imagination" cause I think that's plain lies. Something is up. Personal or interpersonal.

In case you're reading this, if ever comes the time I actually pick up the guts to even talk to you about us, and you're gonna tell me "nothing's wrong", please do come up with some good reasons, and they better be convincing. Because if that's what I'm gonna get, don't blame me if I ain't gonna talk to you, ever. Not even one damned word and I'm dead serious about it.

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