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I lost myself.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
In this recent spate of endless routine emoing I finally see some light.
So many things have happen recently. And I've changed because of that. I just dont know how.
As I move on to various friends, asking how I've changed, I suddenly get an answer that strikes me so hard.
"well all i can say is that idk who you are exactly right now, and i think you're too caught up with trying to prove smt or change smt"
Revelations.
I realized, mainly from YEP, was that I found so much acceptance and being able to be part of a family, that after everything was over, I'm lost.
And so, unconsciously, I begin searching. Over a span of some weeks, I actively sought hard to expand my social circle. Camps, seniors, friends' friends and more. To find that family I once had.
In YEP, everything was mutual. Affections and care was coming in and going out from everywhere. Things weren't one-sided. The acceptance, the cherished feeling, the one of being enjoyed. Through those two weeks, strangers became acquaintances, and then to friends, and then to family. And a family was what I needed.
But all good things have to come to an end. Just that, I left myself behind where the good things ended, without knowing it. And now, I'm standing here in the present, without "me". Feeling the empty void created by the absence of "myself", I sought for something to replace it.
I sought for a family, the same family I experienced, amongst the people I knew or didn't knew. I actually found one, something I thought I would never experience again, a best friend. But even with that one, for in the midst of my unconscious search, I actually lost others. Especially some that I held dear to me.
And that, has been tearing my heart to pieces. I believed I tried. But my heart is fragile and I cant a blow too many. I pushed on the best I could, despite bruised and weary. But I said, my heart is fragile. I reached out with all my heart could take, but no, I couldnt find another hand on the other side.
And of course, I'm partly to blame. I changed. Be it for better or for worse. The "me" you all knew, was left some where in Vietnam, no, with the family. I got disconnected to those I already knew, even more so to know that were closer.
And you know, I'm tired. I'm tired of all this reaching out, finding another one just like the family I had. Maybe there isn't anything like that out there. Maybe you arent even like that.
cookiemyheartisbrokenforyoubecauseIstillwantyoubackbutIcantfeelyouanymoreandyouarenthelpingmeeitherIwannatalktoyoubutIjustdontdareanymore Labels: EMO, Me, thoughts
Darren Nico Pillai
Not-so-average teen, deep thinker, perfectionist with quirky randomness. Trained in the art of sarcasm and nonsensical logic.
Overcoming the circumstances of the present, and the issues of my past,
striving in self-betterment with a moral balance with the hope of the fulfillment of the destiny to be a light for Christ in His likeness,
spreading the love of God as how He first loved us
==============================================================
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am, for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- Hosanna -
Philosophy:
I like to think about life, especially pursuing on the concept of love. Not that lovey dovey romantic kind, but the affections we have for one another
that ties us together,strangers, friends, besties, family, that's the love I wanna know about. Love is the essence of life that ties us together,
love is what we were made for and to be, love is embracing the gift of the relationship with GOD.
Find me at Facebook and Twitter
Leave a message on my tagboard or drop me some questions if any.
Collection of inspirations and reminders: Nico_thoughts@Twitter
==============================================================
I lost myself.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
In this recent spate of endless routine emoing I finally see some light.
So many things have happen recently. And I've changed because of that. I just dont know how.
As I move on to various friends, asking how I've changed, I suddenly get an answer that strikes me so hard.
"well all i can say is that idk who you are exactly right now, and i think you're too caught up with trying to prove smt or change smt"
Revelations.
I realized, mainly from YEP, was that I found so much acceptance and being able to be part of a family, that after everything was over, I'm lost.
And so, unconsciously, I begin searching. Over a span of some weeks, I actively sought hard to expand my social circle. Camps, seniors, friends' friends and more. To find that family I once had.
In YEP, everything was mutual. Affections and care was coming in and going out from everywhere. Things weren't one-sided. The acceptance, the cherished feeling, the one of being enjoyed. Through those two weeks, strangers became acquaintances, and then to friends, and then to family. And a family was what I needed.
But all good things have to come to an end. Just that, I left myself behind where the good things ended, without knowing it. And now, I'm standing here in the present, without "me". Feeling the empty void created by the absence of "myself", I sought for something to replace it.
I sought for a family, the same family I experienced, amongst the people I knew or didn't knew. I actually found one, something I thought I would never experience again, a best friend. But even with that one, for in the midst of my unconscious search, I actually lost others. Especially some that I held dear to me.
And that, has been tearing my heart to pieces. I believed I tried. But my heart is fragile and I cant a blow too many. I pushed on the best I could, despite bruised and weary. But I said, my heart is fragile. I reached out with all my heart could take, but no, I couldnt find another hand on the other side.
And of course, I'm partly to blame. I changed. Be it for better or for worse. The "me" you all knew, was left some where in Vietnam, no, with the family. I got disconnected to those I already knew, even more so to know that were closer.
And you know, I'm tired. I'm tired of all this reaching out, finding another one just like the family I had. Maybe there isn't anything like that out there. Maybe you arent even like that.
cookiemyheartisbrokenforyoubecauseIstillwantyoubackbutIcantfeelyouanymoreandyouarenthelpingmeeitherIwannatalktoyoubutIjustdontdareanymore Labels: EMO, Me, thoughts
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