Kept the gifts in my bag so I wouldn't forget the next day. In the end, didn't give any.

Sometimes, certain events feels like the foreshadow of heartaches in physical forms. A small misunderstanding provoked a chain of thoughts, emo ones, reflective ones.

Managed some quick suppression when the gift was returned back to my hands. Reminded me of the almost one year before. The thumbdrive. Owells.

Bought things for two of them. Not really the gift-er sort, so I often go for more sentimental kinda stuff. Got wristbands, or friendship bands, I don't know. Picked a colour for each, hoping it'd best suit. But then, I didn't know how to give it to them, and soon enough, I wasn't so sure if I should. After all, having less of me in their lives might be the best thing now. Less reminders of hurts.

It's his birthday today, and I thought the best gift was to stay out of his way. So he wouldn't have to avoid me, thus be able to be with others. Worked a little I guess. Glad he went in to mingle a bit after I slipped out of the room. Kudos to me being fast enough today, haha shall work on it.

But honestly, I wonder if they would reject the gift, or just walk off from it. She probably would, wonder if he would too. Don't know if I'm even supposed to expect them to take it. It's confusing though, as a friend, these are the little things that take big effort for me to do. Things I do to try cherish, or for the friendship. Though it doesn't make much difference to anything. I wonder if it's cause it's too small, or too late, or too meaningless. Or maybe it's me. What if I'm not worth it? This silly little things are miniscule compared to the flaws I am, the hurts I bring.

I have like completely 0 self-worth now. Screw this. And I was trying to tell myself that there will be people, of the scrapbook they made, the special effort for me. It's lovely really. Yet the thought keeps haunting me, all the nice things they said, would it still be the same happy notes if they were closer to me, if they knew and saw the mess I was, maybe they'll avoid or hate me too. Ha, full of doubts now. Am I really good as they say, or merely a honey-coated rotten apple.

I wonder what they'd want. More of me, or probably less the better, til there's no longer an emotion to it. But it's lovely watching her talk to people, watching him smile and laugh comfortably with others. Only condition is that I must be absent. Maybe it's a good trade, 1 price for the happiness for 2. Maybe it's the last thing I can do to let them feel happy again. Afterall, I've lived like that once, I'm sure I can get adjusted back there eh.

I wonder if I'm a bane to people's lives when I get emotionally involved with them. Everything proves so to me. Being nice and helpful but emotional distant could be the lesser of two evils.

Broken.



Anyway, here's just a note to two of you saying what I wish I could tell you. You don't have to believe it. I only wish you knew.

"Hi, (belated) Happy Birthday! Here's a small gift, which I'd like to commemorate our friendship. Thank you for being a good friend to, and for me. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories and experiences of friendship you gave me. For allowing me to know the feeling of friendship. For the sacrifices and second chances you gave me. Sorry I havent been that best friend in return, rather reciprocating your kindness with much hurts. Though it's little, I just want to let you know that you mean a lot to me, even though I don't seem to live that out. Deep down somewhere, I really really love you, and value you a lot.

Moving on, I pray you'll be able to find better friends whom will share your joys and sorrows, someone whom you can rely on to be there whenever you're down, a friend who will hold you tight like precious stones, because really, you deserve so much more. A true friend to call your own.

Once again, I'm really grateful to you in my unseen ways, and your name will be written on my heart. I hope you'll get better and find your happiness soon.

Blessed year ahead,
Nico

and if they did, I'll probably find some dark corner to cry on my own. Pathetic.

Labels: EMO, frenz

Kept the gifts in my bag so I wouldn't forget the next day. In the end, didn't give any.

Sometimes, certain events feels like the foreshadow of heartaches in physical forms. A small misunderstanding provoked a chain of thoughts, emo ones, reflective ones.

Managed some quick suppression when the gift was returned back to my hands. Reminded me of the almost one year before. The thumbdrive. Owells.

Bought things for two of them. Not really the gift-er sort, so I often go for more sentimental kinda stuff. Got wristbands, or friendship bands, I don't know. Picked a colour for each, hoping it'd best suit. But then, I didn't know how to give it to them, and soon enough, I wasn't so sure if I should. After all, having less of me in their lives might be the best thing now. Less reminders of hurts.

It's his birthday today, and I thought the best gift was to stay out of his way. So he wouldn't have to avoid me, thus be able to be with others. Worked a little I guess. Glad he went in to mingle a bit after I slipped out of the room. Kudos to me being fast enough today, haha shall work on it.

But honestly, I wonder if they would reject the gift, or just walk off from it. She probably would, wonder if he would too. Don't know if I'm even supposed to expect them to take it. It's confusing though, as a friend, these are the little things that take big effort for me to do. Things I do to try cherish, or for the friendship. Though it doesn't make much difference to anything. I wonder if it's cause it's too small, or too late, or too meaningless. Or maybe it's me. What if I'm not worth it? This silly little things are miniscule compared to the flaws I am, the hurts I bring.

I have like completely 0 self-worth now. Screw this. And I was trying to tell myself that there will be people, of the scrapbook they made, the special effort for me. It's lovely really. Yet the thought keeps haunting me, all the nice things they said, would it still be the same happy notes if they were closer to me, if they knew and saw the mess I was, maybe they'll avoid or hate me too. Ha, full of doubts now. Am I really good as they say, or merely a honey-coated rotten apple.

I wonder what they'd want. More of me, or probably less the better, til there's no longer an emotion to it. But it's lovely watching her talk to people, watching him smile and laugh comfortably with others. Only condition is that I must be absent. Maybe it's a good trade, 1 price for the happiness for 2. Maybe it's the last thing I can do to let them feel happy again. Afterall, I've lived like that once, I'm sure I can get adjusted back there eh.

I wonder if I'm a bane to people's lives when I get emotionally involved with them. Everything proves so to me. Being nice and helpful but emotional distant could be the lesser of two evils.

Broken.



Anyway, here's just a note to two of you saying what I wish I could tell you. You don't have to believe it. I only wish you knew.

"Hi, (belated) Happy Birthday! Here's a small gift, which I'd like to commemorate our friendship. Thank you for being a good friend to, and for me. Thank you so much for all the wonderful memories and experiences of friendship you gave me. For allowing me to know the feeling of friendship. For the sacrifices and second chances you gave me. Sorry I havent been that best friend in return, rather reciprocating your kindness with much hurts. Though it's little, I just want to let you know that you mean a lot to me, even though I don't seem to live that out. Deep down somewhere, I really really love you, and value you a lot.

Moving on, I pray you'll be able to find better friends whom will share your joys and sorrows, someone whom you can rely on to be there whenever you're down, a friend who will hold you tight like precious stones, because really, you deserve so much more. A true friend to call your own.

Once again, I'm really grateful to you in my unseen ways, and your name will be written on my heart. I hope you'll get better and find your happiness soon.

Blessed year ahead,
Nico

and if they did, I'll probably find some dark corner to cry on my own. Pathetic.

Labels: EMO, frenz