"Please let your year be good from the start till the end. Let there be nothing to regret."

It started with a motivated smile but ended with a broken heart.

Regrets. Living this year without it was one of my resolutions. Not to hold back on anything that I was meant to do.

And then I remembered, that one night I told myself I would regret this. “If only I knew better”, they said. I did. And now the regret certainly turns my bones bitter. Every day, I reason with a maelstrom of guilt and pardon; a tumult that challenges my right to smile.

I really wish I could run away, close a blind eye and pretend all this didn't happen. I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm responsible for what you've become. But I know escaping into a false reality isn’t the way I want to live. Maybe it’s my punishment for having committed the crime. As it’s said, some mistakes aren’t meant to be made.

I want to hate you for doing this, to me and to yourself. But it quickly turns into guilt and self-blame, that without me entering your life, things would never have to be this way. By a single yield to selfishness, I lured myself deeper and deeper. And that injection of vice has cultivated cancerously.

As much as I scramble to escape its grip, every night I think of you, heart sinks into a void abyss. No amount of apologies would mend those scars, and trying to be that special person goes only as far as imagination, and promising words that sound as real as clanging metal. Torn between trying to be someone I’m not and the responsibility of repatriation. Have I any place to blame you? Of every account you did not held proper. Is your fate truly my consequences or a bad play of cards?

Regrets. Contradictory. Two of my biggest regrets came from being who I was. One, was letting people get close to me, only to cause them harm. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I took a gamble with their hearts and lost. I’d admit, I still desire to be valued, wanted, even with my imperfect undeserving side of me. But who am I, to seek my belonging at the stake of another’s peril. And Two, my dreadful yearnings I have incurred in you. And somehow in the midst of it all, I am not fully repentant. But, it’s a wrong never to be allowed on any lass ever.

Perhaps it’s a year for atonement. For hurting him, for hurting you, for hurting anyone. I probably can’t change you now, nor the pain we’re facing. But I can prevent future turmoil for more people. No one deserves this from me. Maybe I should stop holding on to people when I can't; maybe I should stop trying to hold on.

Maybe it’s time to pack up and go home.

Labels: EMO, heart

"Please let your year be good from the start till the end. Let there be nothing to regret."

It started with a motivated smile but ended with a broken heart.

Regrets. Living this year without it was one of my resolutions. Not to hold back on anything that I was meant to do.

And then I remembered, that one night I told myself I would regret this. “If only I knew better”, they said. I did. And now the regret certainly turns my bones bitter. Every day, I reason with a maelstrom of guilt and pardon; a tumult that challenges my right to smile.

I really wish I could run away, close a blind eye and pretend all this didn't happen. I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I'm responsible for what you've become. But I know escaping into a false reality isn’t the way I want to live. Maybe it’s my punishment for having committed the crime. As it’s said, some mistakes aren’t meant to be made.

I want to hate you for doing this, to me and to yourself. But it quickly turns into guilt and self-blame, that without me entering your life, things would never have to be this way. By a single yield to selfishness, I lured myself deeper and deeper. And that injection of vice has cultivated cancerously.

As much as I scramble to escape its grip, every night I think of you, heart sinks into a void abyss. No amount of apologies would mend those scars, and trying to be that special person goes only as far as imagination, and promising words that sound as real as clanging metal. Torn between trying to be someone I’m not and the responsibility of repatriation. Have I any place to blame you? Of every account you did not held proper. Is your fate truly my consequences or a bad play of cards?

Regrets. Contradictory. Two of my biggest regrets came from being who I was. One, was letting people get close to me, only to cause them harm. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I took a gamble with their hearts and lost. I’d admit, I still desire to be valued, wanted, even with my imperfect undeserving side of me. But who am I, to seek my belonging at the stake of another’s peril. And Two, my dreadful yearnings I have incurred in you. And somehow in the midst of it all, I am not fully repentant. But, it’s a wrong never to be allowed on any lass ever.

Perhaps it’s a year for atonement. For hurting him, for hurting you, for hurting anyone. I probably can’t change you now, nor the pain we’re facing. But I can prevent future turmoil for more people. No one deserves this from me. Maybe I should stop holding on to people when I can't; maybe I should stop trying to hold on.

Maybe it’s time to pack up and go home.

Labels: EMO, heart