Reading past chat logs reminded me how much I've changed since poly.

Oh I remember growing up as the most mischievous rascal, relying on a facade of snide remarks and mean jokes to aid my only way of interaction with people I knew. And then came the depressive period, and after much years, the light at the end of the tunnel.

But you know, even though I wouldn't be the first person you'd like to be friends with then, I always had an image of who I wanted to be. I often daydreamed of myself being someone really nice, being there to help others when they needed. Perhaps a mentor, a friend, or maybe just an one-off impact. Someone people would like, though not necessarily remember, but I always dream of being that one who if came to mind, would put a smile on someone's face.

And after 3 years, that dream has come into fruition. I'm amazed actually, by how much I've changed. Once, I used to be someone who could only fathom the idea of doing something good, and today, I well might have done quite a lot already. And I'm happy for that.

Though one thing remains that saddens me. Sometimes as much well a person some perceive me to be, a other side remains unknown to many. It feels like after 3 years, I didn't really changed, merely learnt and developed a good side of me, but for that, many issues and flaws remain, haunting me like an inner demon residing in me.

I hate that. I detest that part of me that remains extremely yet tactfully self centered. Like a corrupt fiend that seeps its evil, sowing tares amongst the wheat. It's been a cause of hurts and pain, sometimes much so for others. This demon, the malformed product of my neglected past and selfish desires. I really wish I could be just a normal good person. I don't want to be bad. I dont want to be selfish. I don't like to.

God please help me be a genuinely good person. I don't want to be a two-faced person. Transform me fully rather than me being a mere function of divided flaws. I want to feel human too, and experience the joy and magic of true relationships with people around me.

Labels: God, Me, thoughts

Reading past chat logs reminded me how much I've changed since poly.

Oh I remember growing up as the most mischievous rascal, relying on a facade of snide remarks and mean jokes to aid my only way of interaction with people I knew. And then came the depressive period, and after much years, the light at the end of the tunnel.

But you know, even though I wouldn't be the first person you'd like to be friends with then, I always had an image of who I wanted to be. I often daydreamed of myself being someone really nice, being there to help others when they needed. Perhaps a mentor, a friend, or maybe just an one-off impact. Someone people would like, though not necessarily remember, but I always dream of being that one who if came to mind, would put a smile on someone's face.

And after 3 years, that dream has come into fruition. I'm amazed actually, by how much I've changed. Once, I used to be someone who could only fathom the idea of doing something good, and today, I well might have done quite a lot already. And I'm happy for that.

Though one thing remains that saddens me. Sometimes as much well a person some perceive me to be, a other side remains unknown to many. It feels like after 3 years, I didn't really changed, merely learnt and developed a good side of me, but for that, many issues and flaws remain, haunting me like an inner demon residing in me.

I hate that. I detest that part of me that remains extremely yet tactfully self centered. Like a corrupt fiend that seeps its evil, sowing tares amongst the wheat. It's been a cause of hurts and pain, sometimes much so for others. This demon, the malformed product of my neglected past and selfish desires. I really wish I could be just a normal good person. I don't want to be bad. I dont want to be selfish. I don't like to.

God please help me be a genuinely good person. I don't want to be a two-faced person. Transform me fully rather than me being a mere function of divided flaws. I want to feel human too, and experience the joy and magic of true relationships with people around me.

Labels: God, Me, thoughts